"The ground war in
Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop
a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country
to destroy the morale of Taleban zealots by proving the non-existence of
God. Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy."
- Michael Kelly, "The French finally do something Useful"
London: Urging his
nation to 'see the big picture' and not focus on one issue, British Prime
Minister Tony Blair today explained that unflinching support for President
George W. Bush is particularly necessary now if Great Britain is ever to
become the 51st U.S. state. Speaking before the House of Commons, Blair
conceded British involvement in a Middle East war was unpopular, but insisted
"what you must concede is that in order to be granted U.S. statehood, we
must be willing to defer our opinions and support our President on issues
like this. For the greater good," he went on, "you must all swallow your
pride, like I have, and someday, like I have, you too will be able to say,
'I am an American.'"
- The 51st State, "BBSpot.Com"
Paris: In a stunning
reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that
the French government will be supporting the war on terror after all. Five
hundred soldiers from the elite French Surrender Battalion of the Foreign
Legion are in the process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist
the Iraqi Republican Guard in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming
might of the American armed forces. Chirac also announced that his government
will send 3,000 advisers from the French Collaboration Force to assist
the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part
of a non-existent resistance movement.
- Email sent to Andrew Sullivan
Severe Risk of Terrorist
High Risk of Terrorist Attacks: Surrender.
Significant Risk of Terrorist Attacks: Run.
General Risk of Terrorist Attacks: Hide
Low Risk of Terrorist Attacks: General Arrogance.
- Football365 come up with a French Terror Alert System
"More reports of US troops using the term
'krauts' have hurt German feelings and inflamed anti-US sentiments across
- Bruce Payne, caption from cartoon satirising how the modern media would have viewed WW2
Dozens of French demonstrators in Nantes
celebrated the New Year - by protesting against it. Carrying banners reading
'No to 2007' and 'Now is better', the protestors marched through the streets
calling on the United Nations to stop the 'mad race' of time and 'declare
the indefinite suspension of the future.' The subject of their ire? The
uniquely French habit of protesting against absolutely anything they can
- French people in 'sense of humour' shock, "The Irish Independent"
WASHINGTON— Following Russia's controversial
military excursions into neighboring Georgia, the Bush administration made
its most direct commitment to the U.S.'s Eastern European allies to date
by "strongly advising" those countries not to border Russia under any circumstance.
"The United States stands by its allies, but will not be able to defend
our friends in the region if they continue to share geographical lines
with Russia," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said at a Monday press
conference. "We also recommend that those nations who may not border Russia
but were once a part of the USSR immediately cease and desist from having
had that history with the Soviet Union." Rice later pledged financial aid
to the victims of devastating flooding in the West African nation of Togo,
effective upon the country first meeting the stipulation of removing itself
from under water.
- The Onion
For Zarqa Nawaz, a hijab-wearing Muslim woman
living in the Canadian prairies, life in the west has always provided certain
conundrums. For example, is a woman obliged to cover herself in the presence
of a gay man? Now Islam meets sitcom in a new Canadian show called Little
Mosque on the Prairie. Little Mosque's eight episodes unroll in the Saskatchewan
town of Mercy, where life for its Muslim residents is centred on the mosque.
In one episode, an imam warns his followers against the evils of television.
"Desperate Housewives? Why should they be desperate when they're only performing
their natural womanly duties?" he asks. A young woman in a headscarf whispers
to her mother: "Did you tape last night's episode?"
- Suzanne Goldenberg's TV preview in "The Guardian"
"In an early-morning
swoop, the Competition Authority has sensationally smashed U2 singer Bono's
monopoly on self-righteousness and world pain. World pain is now believed
to be the sole property of disenfranchised, unheard of and unrecognised
starving people in Third World countries rather than that of non-tax paying
billionaires of the West."
At a United Nations
conference last week to address world poverty, dozens of leaders from the
planet's wealthiest nations concluded they were "totally in awe" of the
1.2 billion people who reportedly live on less than $1 a day.
"Lord knows I couldn't do it," U.S. President George W. Bush told a roundtable of colleagues Friday. "The mortgage on my ranch alone is $5,500 a month." Said Bush, after a momentary pause: "I'd like to propose that the world doesn't just have a billion poor people, it's got a billion heroes."
As the meeting adjourned, a spokesman for the World Development Movement announced that almost half the earth's population - 2.8 billion people - lives on less than $2 a day. The attendees stood in unison to cheer until it was explained to them that these people wanted money.
Discloses It Has Invaded U.S. 113 Times, But No One Has Noticed.
Bel Younech, Morocco
: Tensions between Spain and Morocco eased today as Morocco said it would
not reoccupy a tiny outcropping of rock the two governments began fighting
over last week in an apparent dispute over which side had the lower IQ.
- SatireWire.Com, "Spain, Morocco Fight Over, Have Same IQ As, Rock"
"People claim we don't
know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but it's so not
our fault," Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles,
told the Senate Armed Services Committee. "Back then they only had wars
in, like, Germany and England, but we're supposed to know about places
like Somalia and Massachusetts."
"Macedonia," corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.
"See?" said Beldoni.
Beldoni's frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.
- "High School Students Demand Wars In Easier-to-Find Countries" SatireWire.Com
Reports are coming
in that a group of weight-watchers have shot dead a manager at Sainsbury's
for selling Christmas puddings half price.
- The Metro imagines a news report
In a violent attack
that has shocked liberal Britain, a band of indigenous British zoo animals
launched an unprovoked attack on foreign animal enclosures in a Midlands
zoo that police and zoo keepers are convinced was racially motivated. A
mob of deer, badgers and Shetland ponies were seen pelting an enclosure
of African chimpanzees with bananas and yelling "Get back to the jungle
where you belong."
- Racism In Zoos, "HerdOfSheep.Com"
"British National Party
urges reversal of all human migration in history: Humanity to be sent back
to the Rift Valley where it belongs."
- The British National Party platform, "HerdOfSheep.Com"
"New Labour plan to
up the number of poor students in Britain's universities by making students
- British government outlines new rationale for increasing fees, "HerdOfSheep.Com"
World to end Friday;
women, minorities hardest hit.
- Suggested New York Times headline
Study shows huge difference
between individuals in tolerance for pain based on tests of those with
medical insurance, and those without.
Customer Complaint Center Jobs Moving Overseas: Number one complaint - customer complaint center jobs moving overseas.
Rocket Launched Carrying Advanced Scientific Satellite to Monitor Global Warming: It's successfully shot down in test of missile defense system.
Swedish Scientist: Lost Continent of Atlantis Was Ireland. Guinness all that remains of advanced civilization.
- Ironic Times headlines
NATO could be replaced
by CCTV claims spokesperson for UN.
Hallmark introduces 'I Demand An Apology' Greeting Cards.
US Declares Oil to be a 'Weapon of Mass Destruction' — invades Canada.
- Taglines from BBC's "Broken News"
The most stirring defense
of traditional values since Edmund Burke's "Reflections on the Revolution"
Reihan Salam, reviewing Mike Judge's "Idiocracy", "Slate Magazine"
Santa Claus today held
a press conference regarding his decision to turn away refugees from Christmas
Island. "As sympathetic as I am to their plight, I simply cannot afford
the time or resources to take care of them. I've only 3 months 'till Christmas.
It's a busy time for us", Claus stated. In answer to critics who propose
that Santa put the refugees to work, Mr. Claus rebutted, "Please. I've
already had to let 300 elves go in my high-tech division. I have to take
care of my own before I take care of others."
Claus was also critical of a plan which would see the asylum seekers filling lower wage jobs such as cooking and cleaning. "Then what would Mrs. Claus do?", responded the toy maker.
"Look," Santa added, "I know exactly who these refugees are. I also know if they've been naughty or nice. And wherever they end up, I'll be sure to put a little something extra in their stockings for their trouble."
The refugees hope to have better luck as they apply for asylum on Easter Island. The Easter Bunny could not be reached for comment.
- Santa Defends Christmas Island Decision, "Naked Tiger"
# THE DAY TODAY
The Day Today, 10.00pm
on BBC2: Surreptiously switch over during the News At Ten and see how long
it takes your foreign flatmate to realise.
- Football365.Com recommends spoof news show, "The Day Today"
The Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast.
"Scientists in Alaska
have found a gap between the horizon and the Earth. The gap, which is nine
miles across, is believed to have been caused by recent storms which tore
the horizon from its moorings. A team of civil engineers have set off to
lash the horizon down with steel."
- Rosie May, covering the environment
"The echo from the
nuclear bomb that destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again.
Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter, and will strike
Japan in 2041. It's not yet known if the city will be evacuated."
- Rosie May, covering the environment
"If we could see politics
what would it look like? A cube... but with all its corners on the inside."
- Jacques Liverot, philosopher and poet
"If democracy is a
bra, then the monarchy are breasts. And we cannot imagine a society without
- Jacques Liverot
"When I drive my car,
I am not driving. I am participating in a conspiracy called 'traffic'.
I will walk..."
- Jacques Liverot
"We're pushed for time,
can you sum it up in a word?"
"Spartacus, thank you."
- Chris Morris, interviewing Spartacus Mills
"Thank goodness, actually,
they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a
barn in Somerset about three years ago. And it was a sorry sight to see
men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed
to say I was party to that goading."
- Alan Partridge, covering boxing for "The Day Today"
# THE DAILY MASH
Britain and America
have announced a trial separation during which they will be free to see
other countries. Brazil could make us feel youngerTensions have been building
between the two since the ill-fated decision to buy and refurbish a run-down
Middle Eastern state together. What started out as a simple, cosmetic renovation,
with very little in the way of plumbing or electrical work, has become
a hellish multi-trillion dollar nightmare which threatens to destroy civilisation.
Wayne Hayes, professor of geopolitics at Dundee University, said: "The 'special-relationship' had some great times, especially that weekend in Barcelona. "But now they see us as an aircraft carrier with shops and we see them as a bunch of swivel-eyed morons. We all need a break." America has drawn up a shortlist of countries it wants to spend some time with, including Australia, Argentina and even Iran for a bit of "dirty, crazy fun". Meanwhile Britain may look to France with it's new leader and his gorgeous wife or the "unbearably cute" South Korea.
The waning of America's influence on the global stage should not affect its ability to produce high quality drama and clever sitcoms, experts said last night. The National Intelligence Council (NIC) said that by 2025 you are likely to be strapped to a chair and held at gunpoint by Algerian mercenaries while rising sea water laps around your ankles and mutant chickens eat the last of your porridge, but you will still be able to watch Prison Break on your iPod. According to the report the post-US world order will also see an increase in rogue states run by criminals including Afghanistan, Somalia, Russia and Scotland.
Tory leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection. Mr Cameron said he would act as a standard-sized bin for an average family of two adults and two children living in a modest terrace house in Hackney... The Tory leader’s wheelie bin stint follows recent moves by most councils in Britain to cease all bin collections and force householders to eat all their own rubbish.
Parents of fat children are to be sent sketches of their overweight kids after the government banned schools from describing them as obese.
Brown Vows To Create 100,000 New Labour Voters: "We give them a job and then tell them the Tories will take away the job. It's what I do," says PM.
Alastair Darling last night pleaded for his immediate dismissal, stressing he was the worst chancellor in more than 60 years: "We must remember that Britain is being affected by a series of global economic challenges that I'm making much, much worse."
Chancellor Alistair Darling has admitted sending millions of bank account details to a Nigerian doctor who contacted him earlier this week. The Chancellor told the House of Commons he had received a 'very moving email' from a Dr Kwantana in Lagos who is hoping to begin a new life in Canada. Mr Darling said: "Naturally he wanted to transfer his assets to his new home and asked for my assistance. "In keeping with our manifesto commitment of helping Africans to help themselves, I agreed to send him 25 million bank account details. "In exchange for my role in this surprisingly simple transaction he has offered a generous commission which I believe will begin to offset the £25bn I have given to Northern Rock and which - we are all now starting to realise - is never, ever going to be paid back.
Councils Invested £1BN In Tiny Volcano Surrounded By Fish: Local authorities across the UK were yesterday stunned to discover that Iceland is nothing more than a volcano surrounded by two million haddock. 'Iceland - If you're really into lava'As the volcano's banks refused to pay out, councils said they were convinced Iceland was a small, landlocked country next to Belgium with a long history of expert financial management. But after 15 minutes on the internet they confirmed it was nothing more than a slab of stinking lava populated by a handful of wilfully eccentric musicians and half a dozen heavily bearded trawler captains.
The banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts warned last night. Economists now believe the international banking industry is in the final stages of a detailed plan designed to bankrupt everyone and then kill them. Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said:
"Stage one was to engineer a credit boom and get everyone up to their nipples in debt.
"Stage two was to create some bullshit crisis and then exterminate the housing market.
"Stage three was to beg for a trillion pound bail-out and leave all the governments teetering on the edge of financial ruin.
"Now we're at stage four - refusing to pass on interest rate cuts, killing off any remaining businesses and forcing absolutely everyone into bankruptcy and death."
The 75,000 workers sacked by Citigroup are to be bought by the multi-national food conglomerate Findus, it was confirmed last night. Citigroup staff contain more protein than cattleThe frozen food giant is understood to have offered around £2.20 a kilo in a deal worth £12.5 million. Citigroup insisted the sale was an excellent result for shareholders and would help to offset redundancy payments to the workers' families. Meanwhile Findus said the wholesale purchase of such a large number of redundancies could lead to a slight change in the flavour of the company's famous minced beef Crispy Pancakes. A spokesman said: "Once the sale is finalised we will be able to process them very quickly.
"There will be nothing left that you could use for a funeral, as such, but the families can always buy a box of Crispy Pancakes and bury it in the back garden as a sort of symbolic gesture."
Excellent Day All Round Say Media, Police & Anarchists: A gathering in central London was greatly enjoyed by all who took part, the organisers have confirmed. 'Well played!'The event, in aid of a variety of causes, was judged 'an unqualified success' despite early fears of bad weather and a lack of blood-soaked violence. But by mid afternoon the sun was shining and the boisterous crowd had begun to engage in a series of good natured clashes with the police as both sides were cheered on by hundreds of jubilant reporters and cameramen. Mr William McKay, of the media, said: "Everyone was most helpful, particularly the young man who waited very kindly for the photographers to turn up before throwing a computer through the window of the Royal Bank of Scotland. I would also like to thank the police for wasting very little time in getting in amongst it."
- After the G20 riots
One hundred nations last night signed a treaty agreeing to kill people without using cluster bombs. The new treaty means the signatories will now be forced to use one of the thousands of other weapons at their disposal when wiping out entire villages of brown people. Defence analyst Dr Tom Logan said: "From now on the 'cluster bomb' button will be covered up with masking tape, forcing the pilot to use the his '50mm cannon' toggle or 'laser guided missile' switch instead. "The downside is that a missile can only take out one building and all its occupants at a time, which means the pilot has to come back over and over again, resulting in higher fuel costs and overtime. "I suspect cluster bombs may come back into fashion once oil starts heading towards $100 a barrel again."
Meanwhile, Britain has signed up to the cluster bomb treaty, but only after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled a £4 billion rescue package for the country's cluster bomb industry. Mr Darling said: "This will allow British companies to diversify into slightly less jaw-droppingly horrifying weapons such as giant machine guns and flamethrowers, that sort of stuff." Dr Logan added: "The only drawback with this treaty is that America, China and Russia have refused to sign it, thereby rendering it completely and utterly pointless. "But at least the enemies of Togo will meet fiery death in a significantly less clustered way."
AA Warns Motorists To Watch Out For Badly Driven Submarines: "What you're looking for is an enormous black metal tube, 150m long with French number plates," says spokesman.
- After British and French submarines collide in the Atlantic
The government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train. A junior Cabinet Office official has been suspended, while home secretary Jacqui Smith has been told to hand back her keys to the Tower of London. HMS Vengeance was discovered by Julian Cook, a trainee solicitor, during his 45 minute journey from Luton to Kings Cross Thames. Mr Cook immediately handed the vessel, and its 135 crew, to the BBC.
Latest government death machine looks unbelievably cool.
- As Britain's Type-45 destroyer HMS Daring begins sea trials
F22 RAPTOR Also a Camera: The new F22 Raptor stealth fighter can now store up to 25,000 songs and features a class leading 6.2 megapixel camera, built-in. Battery life on the $400 million attack aircraft has been improved to give nearly eight hours talk time and it now has Bluetooth connectivity and an easy to use QWERTY keyboard. Despite this Which? Mobile gave the Raptor just three-and-a-half stars, branding it poor value compared to the Samsung U600 or the LG Viewty.
Boris Johnson's plan to build an artificial island in the Thames and then put an airport on it has been backed by the majority of Britain's 12 year-old boys. According to Johnson's '£500 squillion' plan, the island will be surrounded by laser cannons and thousands of deadly sharks to keep out terrorists and girls. Passengers will fly through a network of big plastic tubes that will drop them directly into their seat and the runway will slope upwards at the end, just like a proper British aircraft carrier.
The Labour Party was embroiled in controversy last night after another four of its politicians did absolutely nothing wrong. As the Sunday Times published details of four labour peers accepting money to try and influence legislation, the party said it was not often British politics was confronted with a such a spectacular absence of wrongdoing... A Labour spokesman said the latest example of Labour politicians not doing anything wrong would be confirmed after a thorough investigation by the Labour Leader of the House of Lords. It is the first time this year that Labour politicians have done nothing wrong and comes after a series of money related scandals in which there was absolutely no wrongdoing.
Britain is now easier to entertain than a two month-old baby or a chimpanzee, it was confirmed last night. The country set a new threshold for boredom as 14 million people bounced up and down in their chairs at the sight of a breakdancing teenager... The BBC has now overhauled its autumn and winter schedules to consist entirely of members of the public and their pathetic attempts at tap dancing. Meanwhile those who were not watching television devoted their Saturday night to getting drunk on a dangerously crowded train.
BRITAIN NOW AT ITS MOST OUTRAGED SINCE 1747: Britain is now more appalled and outraged than at any point in the last 260 years, it has been confirmed. Bedlam hospital was eventually replaced by the Daily Mail in 1896Historians said the country now risked descending into a state of permanent outrage, accompanied by constant high-pitched screaming and nostril foam. Tom Logan, professor of the history of outrage at Reading University, said: "You really have to go back to 1747 to find British society in a more frenzied and pathetic condition.
The 22% of Britons who trust politicians should be deported, it was claimed last night. According to a recent survey more than a fifth of the adult population not only trust our political leaders but believe they are about to earn a multi-million pound commission after helping a Nigerian doctor transfer money from Andorra. Now a panel of leading academics has called for all eight million of them to be herded onto boats and shoved into the Atlantic. Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: "We will have to commandeer car ferries and mobilise the entire merchant fleet. We may even need people to volunteer their own pleasure craft, a bit like the Dunkirk evacuation, but in reverse. Of course the deportees will have to pilot and navigate the vessels themselves which will lead inevitably to some very heavy losses. How terribly sad. I imagine the remaining ships will be rejected at every port and left to wander the high seas like some Voyage of the Idiot Damned."
ALCOHOL TO BE RESTRICTED TO NICE PEOPLE WITH DEGREES: Alcohol should only be available to nice people who know which wine goes best with fish, according to MPs. White wine? With cheese? Savages.The influential Home Affairs Select Committee said police resources were being stretched because too many awful people are buying cheap wine from supermarkets and then drinking it really quickly without fully appreciating its delicate potpourri of flavours. Chairman Keith Vaz said: "Let's take this charmingly presumptious Echo Falls White Zinfandel, just £3.98 from Tesco, or £2.50 if you're lucky enough to be able to buy it from the members' bar in the House of Commons.
As a decent person I would enjoy this as an aperitif before a dinner party, or perhaps serve it with some lightly poached seabass or a pan-roasted poussin with parsnip and chorizo. I certainly wouldn't use it to wash down 20 Marlboro Lights and then have a p**s up against the front door of Greggs."
The planet Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, stressing the worst that could happen is the extinction of the human race. 'If you don't mind, I've got some orbiting to do'The Earth spoke out after a series of books, television programmes and environmental campaigns urged people to do everything in their power to 'Save the Planet'. Earth, 4,000,000,000, said last night: "I'll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but to be honest, that actually sounds quite nice. Try living through an ice age."
The March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night. Have we brought dragons on ourselves?The monthly total now stands at 240 meaning scientists, politicians, clergyman and the Daily Mail will have to have to apply for an extension or face a reduction in the April quota of terrifyingly apocalyptic, certain death scenarios. It is the first real test for the quota system, established last year so that frightened citizens do not lose track of what is going to kill them by 2030... The latest warning comes from UK government science adviser Professor Ian Beddington in a new research paper entitled Dragons! Professor Beddington said last night: "Attention, everyone. Stop what you're doing immediately and listen to me. Dragons! Dragons I tell you! The sky shall be filled with them and they shall devour our crops, befoul our cattle and drink dry our lakes and ponds..."
Professor Beddington is calling for a multi-billion pound anti-dragon gun to be paid for by increased taxes on Range Rovers and patio heaters. Julian Cook, a doomed 44 year-old from south London, said: "Based on this month's warnings if I don't spend money then civilisation will collapse resulting in my certain death. But if I do spend money then the environment will collapse - whatever that means - resulting in my certain death. "And now there's all this stuff about dragons. F**k it, I'm getting a patio heater."
Police investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs. The severed head of a goblin was left on the doorstep of the star's London home last week with a note attached saying 'You're next, Hobbit fiddler'... Two ugly fanged humanoids were seen running away from the house, and a series of abusive calls later that night were traced to a phonebox at the Black Gate of Mordor. Tolkein scholar Julian Cook said the Orcs were targeting Sir Ian in revenge for his role in defeating the armies of the Dark Lord Sauran at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.
One Woman's Week: I think this recession thing is really going to people's heads. I've been keenly following Paxman's wonderful series on the Victorians, and I can reliably inform you that they didn't have nervous breakdowns just because it was taking longer than expected to sell their flats. People these days have to get their priorities right and stop crying like a bunch of wallies... The Victorians just had to get on with it even when they smelled disgusting and were infested with rickets. British history is choc-full of economic strife, but did you ever see the Victorians getting swastika tattoos and listening to disgusting punk music while throwing pint glasses at each other?
RANGERS VIOLENCE BEGAN IN LATE 17TH CENTURY, SAYS UEFA: The violence at the Uefa Cup final began much earlier than was thought, probably in the late 17th century, officials said last night. Uefa said the ring-leaders included King William of Orange and his horseA Uefa investigation has revealed last month's violent scenes in Manchester were directly related to tensions arising from the Battle of the Boyne, which took place near the east coast of Ireland in 1690. It is now believed the conflict was sparked not by a faulty big-screen television, but by a series of marginal differences over the correct method of worshipping Jesus. Uefa said the violence then continued on and off for another 180 years until it was formalised with the establishment of Rangers Football Club in 1872. Jean-Marie Le Blanc, Uefa's head of riots, said: "The violence in Manchester has deep, complex and incredibly stupid roots. "It seems to based on an entrenched hostility towards Papal doctrine and an insatiable lust for the blood of 'fenians'." He added: "If we want to prevent this kind of violence we must establish a single, agreed method for the worship of Jesus across the continent of Europe.
'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS F*CKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS: A new species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists... The scientists, from the Institute for Studies, spotted the 'absolutely mental thing' during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains. Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge f*cking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, 'Dave, look at the size of that f*cker!' and Dave was like, 'Jesus Christ, it's a f*cking monster!' ... Dr Steven McKay added: "We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil. Dave tried to give it a fruit pastille but it wasn't interested."
BACK TO THE BROTHEL FOR PRIMARK T-SHIRT KIDS: Former Primark child workers were last night back at work in the backstreet brothels of Calcutta after being rescued from a life of t-shirt embroidery by Western campaigners. Julian Cook, a child labour activist, said the children wept with joy after being liberated from appalling conditions which saw them working at home all day with their mothers, sisters and brothers. He said: "One little girl was so happy to see us taking her mother away she pummelled her little fists into my thighs and wept all over my trousers.
"Her brother was so overjoyed he chased after the police wagon shouting as it drove his mother off. I wonder where they both are now?"
Britain's supermarkets were last night accused of stocking the products their customers want to buy. The National Consumer Council claimed the stores are deliberately selling a range of items that are not only competitively priced but tasted lovely. The NCC said that by stocking large numbers of these products, the customers are being encouraged to return to the stores, often on a weekly basis... A spokesman said: "They stock more of the things that people want and a lot less of the things that people don't want. It's cynical and possibly illegal."
A spokesman for Asda said: "The National Consumer Council seems to have confused us with something that is not a business." He added: "Coco Pops Mega Munchers - £1.87"
Headline #1: Bush gives France 30 days to speak English.
Headline #2: Goths, Vandals Invade Rome, IL.
Headline #3: Cast, Crew Of Troy Begin Disastrous 10-Year Journey Back To Hollywood.
Headline #4: Thousands Feared Born In Nigerian Population Explosion.
Washington, DC: During
a White House meeting with visiting Spanish prime minister and fellow allied-forces
leader Jose Maria Aznar, President Bush subconsciously sized up Spain for
- Bush sizes up Spain for invasion
Washington, DC: President
Bush announced Monday that his administration will permanently sever ties
with the democratically controlled United States Congress, ending a nearly
220-year-old alliance between the two governmental branches.
- Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress
"Of all the women on
this earth, you are the single most beautiful one who is willing to let
me sleep with her. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. You are beautiful,
and you will let me sleep with you.
How great is your beauty? I can describe it in a mathematical formula. Given A, the set of all women, and B, a subset of A comprising women who are willing to sleep with me, you are the most beautiful member of subset B, my darling. Oh, yes, I could chase other women, but I want no one but you. Why? Because you are more attractive than the other women I've met lately who are willing to go out with me."
- Phil Babcock, "You are the most Beautiful Woman in the World who will sleep with me"
UNITED NATIONS—In an address before the U.N. General Assembly Monday, President Bush called upon the international community to support his "U.S. Does Whatever It Wants" plan, which would permit the U.S. to take any action it wishes anywhere in the world at any time.
WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush spoke out Monday in support of a revised version of the 2001 USA Patriot Act that would make it illegal to read the USA Patriot Act. "Under current federal law, there are unreasonable obstacles to investigating and prosecuting acts of terrorism, including the public's access to information about how the federal police will investigate and prosecute acts of terrorism."
students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that
Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has seriously undermined
Americans' chances of getting laid.
- Report: "U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid"
BARABOO, WI — Sauk
County Sheriff Virgil "Butch" Steinhorst announced Tuesday that he believes
a recent rash of Baraboo-area crimes was perpetrated by the al-Qaeda terrorist
network or teenagers... The string of unsolved crimes includes the defacement
of public property, an incident of breaking-and-entering, and a string
of harassing phone calls. The latest crime—the sudden disappearance of
two yield signs from Hoxie Street—occurred Monday. .. "In this day and
age, it's important for law-enforcement officials to consider global threats
as well as local ones," Steinhorst said. "We could be dealing with an al-Qaeda
sleeper cell attempting to collect information that they could use to plan
a terrorist strike or some of those goth kids who knocked over that mailbox.
Neither group has any respect for the law... Teens regularly act without
regard for the consequences of their actions or concern for their own physical
well-being. So do terrorists."
- Local Sheriff Suspects Al-Qaeda Or Teens
In a preamble that
boded poorly for the academic future of Mahwah High School senior Kevin
Stember, guidance counselor Elvin Cross prefaced Stember's SAT scores by
downplaying the test's reliability and worth Monday. "You know, the SAT
is a flawed, inexact measure of one's abilities," a grim-faced Cross told
Stember. "It measures what you know rather than what you're capable of
doing." Cross added that there are many essential real-life skills the
SAT fails to gauge, like punching in on time and maintaining a clean uniform.
- Guidance Counselor Prefaces SAT Results By Talking About Test's Flaws
LOS ANGELES—Director James Cameron told Variety yesterday of his intentions to write and direct the Academy Award–winning Titanic's companion film, Iceberg, which will be told completely from the infamous chunk of frozen water's point of view. "Nobody ever talks about the iceberg's side of the tragic saga—how it formed millions of years ago, eventually became a glacier, then calved off the Arctic ice shelf and floated away into the Atlantic Ocean toward its rendezvous with death," said Cameron, adding that the three hour hour film will begin with the evaporation of liquid water, transition to snow falling and freezing, and include the most expensive gradual ice cap formation sequence ever filmed. "It's a nature vs. man struggle on an epic scale. The world needs to hear this story."
HAPEVILLE, GA: Uninsured 35-year-old Chris Thaney has been watching Fox's hit medical drama "House" to find out why he experiences severe headaches, an inability to urinate, sharp lower-back pains, and numbness on the left side of his body... hopes his symptoms diagnosed this week.
More than 15 millennia
of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings
of the Magdalenian Age, have culminated in See Spot Run, the hit Warner
Brothers comedy about a wacky mailman and on-the-lam pooch. "From the plays
of Sophocles to the concertos of Bach, to the modernist breakthroughs of
Martha Graham, for thousands of years, artistic expression has fed man's
soul and united the human race," said Oxford University humanities professor
Dr. Edmund Woolsey-Cooke. "See Spot Run, starring David Arquette and Leslie
Bibb, is the logical endpoint - the apogee, if you will - of this cultural
- 15,000 Years Of Human Artistic Endeavor Culminate In See Spot Run
According to a University
of California–San Diego study released Monday, sexism is rampant throughout
the natural world, particularly among the highest classes of vertebrates.
"When we first decided to examine attitudes and behaviors toward gender roles among non-humans, we were wholly unprepared for what we would find," said Jennifer Tannen, leader of the UCSD research team, a joint venture between the school's zoology and women's studies departments. "Females living in the wild routinely fall victim to everything from stereotyping to exclusion from pack activities to sexual harassment."
- Sexism Rampant In Nature
DALLAS — A western
honeybee measuring barely one-quarter of an inch in length and weighing
approximately .03 ounces triggered panic among a gathering of six fully-grown
Homo sapiens during a picnic at Davis Park on Monday, witnesses reported...
The college-educated humans, all of whom are not allergic to bee-sting
venom and possess both cerebral and muscular capacities several orders
of magnitude beyond that of the insect, proceeded to retreat in abject
fright from its half-millimeter stinger, which, when used, causes a twinge
of discomfort followed by mild irritation and kills the bee... After the
bee seemingly disappeared, the humans—members of a species that has crossed
an Ice Age land bridge from Asia to North America, domesticated the wolf,
built the pyramids, and landed a manned vehicle on the surface of the moon—walked
cautiously back to the picnic area.
- Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic
KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—In
what eyewitnesses are calling a "selfless display of true courage," moviegoer
Michael N. Kincaid, 39, rushed headlong into an empty cineplex Monday to
save four seats for the 7:35 p.m. showing of Live Free or Die Hard. Shoving
a group of teenaged girls and an elderly couple out of the way, the quick-thinking
Kincaid scattered various personal items across the four seats, then commandeered
a fifth for himself. "Mike sacrificed his own place in line at the snack
counter to save these seats for me, Diane, Shelly from work, and Diane's
boyfriend," said friend Colin Edward, who was in the men's room at the
time. "We shall not soon forget his deeds this day."
- Heroic Man Rushes Into Movie Theater, Saves 4 Seats
Marnie Powell, a seventh-grader
at Grand Junction Middle School, lied to her diary Monday, filling the
journal with several out-and-out fabrications. "I had the best time at
Jessica's party," wrote the 13-year-old honors student, recording the falsehood
in purple ink. "There were tons of cool guys, and I had so much fun dancing."
In actuality, the socially awkward, bespectacled Powell tentatively bobbed
up and down on the perimeter of the dance floor for 30 seconds before retreating
to the refreshment table for the remaining three hours of the event.
- Diary Lied To
JERSEY CITY, NJ - Kirk Herman and Deanna Greunwald surprised friends by exceeding second-quarter expectations for their relationship Monday. "Deanna has made some questionable emotional investments in the past, so when she merged with Kirk six months ago, my expectations for their futures were conservative," Greunwald's friend Doreen Miller said. "I guess Q2's explosive close proves how hard it is to predict meat-market forces." Dating activity increased 43 percent, and both parties began to generate interest in each other's hobbies and activities, resulting in marked personal growth for both.
MOSCOW, ID—Four-year-old Roy MacMillan, a frequent observer of monsters in his closet, under his bed, and behind his drapes, was reassured by his parents that the vast majority of these creatures do not exist. "You're just being a silly boy—you've seen scary monsters a hundred times lately, and I'll bet you were imagining at least half of them," Roy's mother, Tracy, told her son after he rushed into their room late Monday night. "There's only room in your closet for three or four monsters, honey. Or two very, very big ones with sharp teeth and long claws." Steven MacMillan reiterated his wife's reassurances, explaining that he would certainly protect his son from all but the very biggest, strongest, meanest monsters, although those would probably be full after killing and eating Roy's mom and dad first and wouldn't come for Roy until a few months later when he's at the orphanage.
NASHUA, NH - A TV ad
for WhaleSave sufficiently irritated local resident Nathan Mimms to cause
him to reverse his longtime anti-whaling stance. "Christ, this is annoying,"
said Mimms during a Monday airing of the spot, which features images of
majestic whales rising out of the ocean as Enya's "Fallen Embers" plays.
"Fuck the whales. I'd rather they go extinct if it means never having to
see this ad again."
- Annoying Ad Turns Man Pro-Whaling
HAVANA - In a bid to
bring its citizens greater independence, the nation of Cuba decided Tuesday
to pool its resources and purchase a car. "We know of an '82 Buick Skylark
in Haiti that we should be able to fix up and make usable," Cuban transportation
minister Alvaro Perez Morales said. "Having a car will make it easier for
our citizens to do everything from grocery shopping to commuting to work."
Use of the car will be determined by lottery, with a winner chosen daily
from the nation's pool of 11 million citizens.
- Cuba To Buy Car
recent leak revealing Santa Claus to be "your mommy and daddy" has been
linked to President Bush's senior political adviser and deputy chief of
staff Karl Rove. Rove, who stands accused of revealing the non-existence
of Santa. "If this devastating leak, which severely undermines the security
of children everywhere and has compromised parent-child relations, came
from the highest levels of the White House, that is an outrage," said former
Bush counterterrorism adviser and outspoken Bush Administration critic
- Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak
EARTH: Former vice president Al Gore — who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save — launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world... Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.
AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office... Republican front-runner Rudolph Giuliani attacked Edwards Tuesday for labeling things as bad when they may actually turn out to be good in the long run. "Is 'shooting' always a bad thing?" Giuliani said. "I think such a position would undercut not only our soldiers in Iraq, but also law enforcement officers who put their lives on the line every day, not to mention our basic Second Amendment rights." Added Giuliani: "On a personal note, I rather like cloudy days, and I don't want to live in a world where they don't exist."
NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being offensive to both herself and the American voters, the number of acceptable phrases presidential candidates can now say are officially down to four. "At the beginning of 2007 there were 38 things candidates could mention in public that wouldn't be considered damaging to their campaigns, but now they are mostly limited to 'Thank you all for coming,' and 'God bless America,'" ABC News chief Washington correspondent George Stephanopoulos said on Sunday's episode of This Week. "There would still be five phrases available to the candidates if the Obama camp hadn't accused Clinton of saying 'Glad to be here' with a little tinge of sarcasm during a stump speech in North Carolina." As of press time, the two additional phrases still considered appropriate for candidates are the often-quoted "These pancakes are great," and "Death to the infidels."
MADISON, WI—Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) fell deathly silent in the middle of a speech on education before the Wisconsin Teachers Union Tuesday, his failure of words reportedly a result of the Democratic nominee's forward-looking tendencies suddenly bringing him a harrowing glimpse of a future world shaped by madness and horror. "And that is why we must all strive to make our own tomorrow together," Obama said to resounding applause before stopping abruptly, breaking into a cold sweat, and bringing his trembling hands to his blanched face. "Oh, God, no. They're sentient. Every last one of them is sentient!" While spokespeople from the Obama camp have suggested that the candidate's recent comments about magnets being "our only hope for survival" were taken out of context, they did confirm that he has canceled all future appearances in New Mexico, especially those taking place during the month of October.
INDIANAPOLIS—Unless citizens throughout America keep him in their thoughts, say his name to themselves over and over, and otherwise believe in him with all their might, Barack Obama may cease to exist, the candidate warned supporters Thursday. "My fellow Americans, I am currently very strong and very, very real," Sen. Obama told a cheering crowd of 12,000 at the Indiana State Fairgrounds. "Even here in Hoosier country, a traditional Republican stronghold, your faith has kept me from growing faint, becoming transparent, and slowly fading from view. But please, don't stop now," Obama added. "Unless you continue to believe in me, I'll completely disappear. You have to keep me in your thoughts at all times!"
WASHINGTON, DC: Political scientists at the Cato Institute announced Monday that they have inadvertently synthesized a previously theoretical form of government known as megalocracy. "We were attempting to recreate a military junta in a controlled diplomatic setting, and we applied too much external pressure," said head researcher Dr. Adam Stogsdill, a leading expert in highly reactionary ruling systems. "The resultant government has the ruthless qualities of a dictatorship combined with the class solidarity of a plutocracy—it's quite a remarkable find."
"Of course teens are
conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls
- What do you think of: Conservative teens?
"Instead of going out
tonight, punch yourself in the nuts three times and the heart twice. This
will save you approximately $75."
- The Onion's Dating Tips
"Female college students
from across the northern U.S. celebrated the improved weather this week,
preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the
warm weather now demands. For the last several months, the students' breasts
have existed only in the imaginations and fond memories of others, obscured
by baggy sweaters, bulky ski jackets, and shapeless flannel."
- Area Students Prepare Breasts For Increased Springtime Display
LOS ANGELES: CBS executives
announced Monday that they have begun filming Antebellum Island, a new
"alternate reality" series in which 12 strangers compete for $1 million
while isolated on an island still under Confederate rule. "Set to air in
the spring of 2004, Antebellum Island gives us the unique opportunity to
play with both social dynamics and recorded history," CBS Chairman Leslie
Moonves said. "The contestants on Antebellum Island will spend 60 days
braving the elements, each other, and the unfamiliar customs and practices
of a 21st-century Confederate States of America - all for a chance to win
a cool million."
- New alternate reality series puts 12 strangers on island where south won civil war
COGDELL, GA : The Cogdell
School Board banned the teaching of the controversial "Theory Of Math"
in its schools Monday. "We are simply not confident of this mysterious
process by which numbers turn, as if by magic, into other numbers," board
member Gus Reese said. "Those mathematicians are free to believe 3 times
4 equals 12, but that dun [sic] give them the right to force it on our
children." Under the new ruling, all math textbooks will carry a disclaimer
noting that math is only one of many valid theories of number-manipulation.
- Georgia School Board Bans 'Theory Of Math'
WASHINGTON, DC : According
to a report released Tuesday by the Pentagon, Communists rank last on a
list of 238 threats to national security. "Communists may now safely be
ignored," Secretary of Defense William Cohen said. "The Red Menace has
been surpassed by militia groups, religious extremists, ecoterrorists,
cybercriminals, Hollywood producers, and angry drivers." Other groups deemed
more threatening than Communists include rap-metal bands (#96), escaped
zoo animals (#202), and Belgians (#237).
- Communists Now Least Threatening Group In U.S.
CAMBRIDGE, MA : Scientists
at MIT's Advanced Machine Cognizance Project announced Tuesday that, after
seeing the final installment of the Matrix trilogy, they will cease all
further work in the field of artificial intelligence.
- Scientists Abandon AI Project After Seeing The Matrix
UNITED NATIONS — In a bold gambit hoped to resolve dozens of conflicts around the world, the U.N. announced Monday the establishment of Ethniklashistan, a multinational haven in the West Bank that will serve as a new homeland for Irish Protestants, Hutus, Serbs, and other troubled groups. Though hopes are high for Ethniklashistan - a name created by a team of linguists who combined 17 different languages' words for "sanctuary" - the establishment of the new homeland has proven rocky. Of the more than 500,000 people relocated there so far, approximately 97 percent have responded with violent resistance, swearing oaths of eternal vengeance against U.N. volunteers conducting the forced relocations.
FRANCISTOWN, BOTSWANA — Officials and volunteers from the U.S.-based AIDS Awareness Organization began an aggressive campaign Monday to inform the citizens of Botswana that they are afflicted with AIDS. "You have AIDS," said Pittsburgh physician and keynote speaker Dr. Julia Horton to approximately 6,500 villagers who traveled from the nearby townships of Lobatse and Palapye. "Every last one of you." "And if you don't have AIDS, you almost certainly have HIV," she continued. "This will soon become AIDS."
SOUTHFIELD, MI - Gail and Milt Greenblatt, parents of soap-opera star Brett Green, are beaming with pride that their son is a doctor on ABC's All My Children. "Dr. Cord Montgomery graduated from Harvard Medical School at the top of his class," Gail told a neighbor Monday. "What's more, he's the youngest surgeon at Pine Valley's top hospital." Milt expressed relief that his son has left behind the "rough crowd" he ran with last fall as a bully on Gilmore Girls.
ACHILLE, OK — Despite
only recently gaining the ability to form complete sentences, 2-year-old
Trevor Cornett was able to present a clearheaded and persuasive argument
at the Achille County Fair Wednesday as to why one might be terrified of
riding a horse. Trevor's parents, who had encouraged their son to pet the
animal, were reportedly persuaded by their son's well-articulated line
of reasoning to the contrary. "I assumed all children love horses, but
Trevor made some interesting points about the frequency with which they
grunt and show their teeth and their scary feet," Nancy Cornett, the toddler's
mother, said. "I had never thought about it before, but, taking into account
his small, delicate frame, it is entirely possible that he could fall off
and die." Following their abrupt departure from the fair, the Cornetts
were again impressed by their son's succinct and impassioned call for ice
- Toddler Makes Convincing Case For Being Afraid Of Horse
AMES, IA - A local resident's search for a public bathroom became an epic odyssey of alienation, humiliation, and human cruelty Monday.
NEW YORK - Alarmed by the unhealthy choices they make every day, more and more Americans are calling on the government to enact legislation that will protect them from their own behavior.
Headline — LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet.
show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD
drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think:
Jeffrey Stuart, Surgeon: "These drugs help them study? Wow. Turns out drugs aren't cool after all."
Ed Wills, Driver: "Slippage in grades is a sure sign your child may not be on drugs."
A captive hammerhead
shark recently gave birth to a pup without the presence of a male. What
do you think?
"Jesus is a SHARK?!" (Lee Pryor, Radio Engineer)
"I am left in awe at the wonders of nature. No wait, not awe. Abject terror. Yes, that's it, abject terror." (Nelly Perrin, Teacher's Aide)
"Maureen Dowd will be relieved: It turns out men aren't necessary. If you are a hammerhead shark, that is." (José Manteca, Dry Cleaner)
- Shark Gives Virgin Birth, "The Onion"
# THE ONION HOROSCOPES
Capricorn : Your habit
of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering
you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
Capricorn : You have been letting physical attraction overrule intellectual appeal. What are you, human or something? You don't have to date anyone who got beat with the ugly stick, but you might want to at least rule out anyone who can't name our president.
Capricorn : You will find yourself in yet another argument over whether Murasaki's The Tale Of Genji is the world's first true novel.
Capricorn : The ghost of E.B. White will appear to you and exact revenge for every extraneous comma you've ever used.
Capricorn : You've never considered yourself a genius, which helps you avoid damaging blows to your self-image this Sunday.
Capricorn : Your religion was almost right - Those you vanquished in life are waiting for you in death, but not to serve you.
Capricorn : Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
Capricorn : Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
Capricorn : Yelling "Get it off me! Get it off me!" might not have been the best reaction when your boss' 4-year-old daughter gave you a hug.
Capricorn : Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
Capricorn : The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
Capricorn : It's time to rid yourself of the fallacious belief that kids or animals or anyone else likes you.
Capricorn : If you didn't get the raise you were expecting, it might be time to consider becoming a Democratic Presidential candidate.
Capricorn: This week you will discover that one of your favorite words doesn't mean what you think it means. You've been using it incorrectly for two years. Also, girls don't think you're funny, guys don't think you're cool, and small animals don't like you.
Capricorn: People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
Capricorn: You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
Capricorn: Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
Capricorn : Good News! When you visit the Comic Book/Sci-Fi convention this week, you will receive first prize for 'Best Costume' even though you dress that way every day.
Capricorn: Your life will take a horrible turn, due to your inability to tell how old girls are and where cameras are hidden.
Aries : Thursday will
usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Aries, which is only fair
considering what happens Friday.
Aries : Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
Aries : You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."
Aries: You've been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there's really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.
Aries : Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
Aries : You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Aries : The stars can't give you your horoscope today. They are waiting in line at the bookstore for the new Harry Potter book.
Aries : You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
Aries : There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
Aries : When all is said and done, and your time on Earth is finished, you will just barely have made it to the end of this sentence.
Aries : Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
Aries : You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.
Aries : You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
Aquarius : They will
comfort you after the accident by saying there was nothing you could have
done, leaving unsaid the fact that most people would have at least tried
hitting the brakes.
Aquarius : You will turn in one of the most heroic and selfless performances of your career next Thursday, but since you're an architect, the details are pretty boring.
Aquarius : You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
Aquarius : The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
Aquarius : You'll receive a two-hour lecture from renowned economist Milton Friedman merely for claiming that a penny saved is a penny earned.
Cancer : You will belatedly
realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves
Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
Cancer : Your natural abilities will be put to good use when you are chosen by leaders of 12 countries to head the U.N. insecurity Council.
Cancer : You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.
Cancer : You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
Cancer : Don't take next week's failures too hard. No one could have foreseen the sudden appearance of so many ax-wielding monkeys.
Cancer : We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
Cancer : Under no circumstances should you take no for an answer this week. You'll wind up in jail or hospitalized, but the stars will have fun watching.
Cancer : There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.
Cancer : Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
Cancer : It's true that they say all is fair in love and war, but be advised that some still consider the use of nerve gas barbaric in either circumstance.
Cancer: People who live in glass houses should wear robes.
Cancer: Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat its mistakes, which is why the Japanese will launch a bombing raid on you Sunday.
Cancer : A tall, dark and handsome stranger suffering in his home country of Nigerian will offer you millions this week.
Cancer : The stars are shining down on you from above. At least that's what you'll be thinking just before the impact.
Cancer: Just a few more months and you'll be able to point out historical inaccuracies in people's Halloween costumes.
Cancer : If you've ever wanted to tour the world while being held against your will in a container ship, this is your lucky week.
Cancer: In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.
Gemini : You will have
one of those disorienting "through the looking glass" moments when you
are thrown through a large looking glass.
Gemini : Although you've always wondered if this is all there is to life, it's not like you've done anywhere near all of this in the first place.
Gemini : In spite of everything, you'll manage to stay on the good side of your wife, the trained-seal woman, the trombonist, and the Las Vegas Fire Department.
Gemini : You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.
Gemini : You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
Gemini : After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
Gemini : You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
Gemini : After weeks of deliberation, you have yet to hear a compelling argument for not beating most of the people you've ever met to within an inch of their lives.
Gemini: Emphasis is on romance this weekend until an Internet outage brings your world crashing down. Be happy in your memories, any attempts to track down Pseudogirl_145 can only end in disaster.
Gemini : You'll feel faintly embarrassed about your decision to release the beast within when you see how fuzzy and cute it is.
Gemini : You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
Gemini : You will die when your Star Trek DVD collection falls off the shelf and traps you underneath it for several days.
Gemini: Your belief that God does not play dice with the universe will be tested by the discovery of a 10,000-mile-long craps table on Jupiter.
Leo : You have very
little say in your fate or what will eventually befall you, but don't let
that keep you from voting.
Leo : You're getting the feeling that your underlings are doing all the work. Maybe you shouldn't have gone with Cheney.
Leo : The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
Leo : You'd chew through piles of the dead for a smile from a pretty girl, which is fortunate.
Leo : And to think you laughed when your high-school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.
Leo : After developing a form of psychosis, you will become convinced you're Napoleon and conquer half of Europe before the British stop you next week.
Leo : It's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn't the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
Leo : It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
Leo : Your politics are tough, but fair. When you say "Put 'em all in camps," you do mean everybody.
Leo : The stars have always been a great influence on your fate. This will never be as true as it is next week, when a certain yellow G-type variable star cuts loose with a really impressive flare.
Leo : Technically, 'filibusters' can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
Libra : The stars would
love to help you realize your cosmic destiny, but they got their copy of
Grand Theft Auto - Vice City, and it's freakin' awesome.
Libra : You will be profoundly moved by your experiences in the next few days, but that could mean a whole lot of things.
Libra : Your battle with hair loss intensifies this week when hair loss brings in artillery to support the infantry positions it established near your supply routes.
Libra : Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
Libra : You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.
Libra: Your grief for your late hard drive will only increase this week when you come to grips with the cruel reality that the IT guys were kidding about "Data Heaven."
Libra: You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament.
Libra : In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
Libra : There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
Libra : Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Libra : You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
Libra : After a long review of the issues and the candidates' positions on them, you're pretty sure you won't vote this time, either.
Libra : It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
Libra : You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
Libra: You've built a reputation as someone not to fuck with, which is unfortunate, as you would really like some fucking.
Libra : You'll no longer have any reason to doubt the transcendent power of love after you see it obliterate an entire armored division in military tests.
Libra: You'll continue to be tormented by the sight of tiny symbols which, when viewed, cause you to hear words in your head.
Libra: Take heart — There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
Libra: The other guys keep telling you to get rid of that beard you've had since college, but not only are you quite fond of her, she is also the mother of your two darling daughters.
Pisces : You're in
grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the
mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.
Pisces : You will soon be unwillingly forced into a flurry of activity when you are chosen to host the 2014 Winter Olympiad.
Pisces : Remember - Sincerity is all well and good, but your suit and haircut are what the jury sees first.
Pisces : Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.
Pisces : Your natural stubbornness comes in handy when your opponent's arguments turn out to be supported by hard facts and credible evidence.
Pisces: You were assured the code you had to work on was well commented. Unfortunately, it's in a rare Ojibwean dialect.
Pisces : It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
Pisces : There's no law that tells people whom they can and can't love in this world, but you're doing everything in your power to convince legislators to change that.
Pisces: You may be worried about those strange voices in your head. Don't be. Those are your "thoughts."
Pisces : Most people are either part of the solution or part of the problem, but you're one of the red herrings thrown into the answer set to mislead test-takers.
Pisces: Religious and scientific leaders will argue for weeks about whether what happened to you was the result of divine retribution or messy, high-energy physics.
Pisces: Your exuberance at suddenly discovering you can fly is muted somewhat when the discovery happens during your tour of the White House, causing you to be blown out of the air by vigilant F-15 pilots.
Sagittarius : A soon-to-be-released
university study will show that you are less likely to refuse offers of
drugs than anyone in the known universe.
Sagittarius : You will be caught in the greatest existential dilemma of your life when you are unable to decide if a table or radial arm saw is better for your home shop.
Sagittarius : Just when your life seems to be a never-ending series of miseries, disappointments, and small disasters, it will surprise you by abruptly ending.
Sagittarius : It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
Sagittarius : You're one of the rare people who's willing to die for what you believe in, which is strange because you mostly just believe in using as many coupons as possible.
Sagittarius: After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
Sagittarius: Reading to your children before they go to bed is a great idea. Letting them watch news about SARS and reading The Stand by Stephen King is not.
Sagittarius : You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
Sagittarius : The ACLU will officially state that protected speech is all fine and good, but they're tired of jumping up every time you open your mouth.
Sagittarius : You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
Sagittarius : A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday and speaking sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some sort of good.
Sagittarius : Your sense of triumph over getting a white rhino to mate in captivity will dissipate when the disgusted biologists inform you that they wanted it to mate with another rhino.
Scorpio : Studies show
that Colombia has the highest murder rate of any place in the Americas,
except the place where you'll be standing at noon tomorrow.
Scorpio : Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
Scorpio : In spite of your complaints about how undignified it was and your repeated professions of shame, you still kind of enjoyed sleeping with the fat girl.
Scorpio : You will be bemused and bewildered to discover that you are mentioned in the creation myths of three-fourths of the world's cultures.
Scorpio : Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
Scorpio : Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
Scorpio : You'll experience a strange mix of random violence, stultifying boredom, and financial security after becoming an English Premier League soccer star.
Scorpio: Your friends are all jumping off a cliff. What are you waiting for?
Scorpio: Before you can truly grasp the principle behind of the zero-sum game, you will have lost all your money playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Scorpio : Your belief that the earth is carried on the back of a giant turtle will seem silly, until you receive panicked, late-night phone calls from NASA herpetologists.
Scorpio : Your week will be filled with intrigue and romance as you conclude your soap opera watching marathon.
Scorpio : Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
Scorpio: No one will believe that it looked like the Girl Scouts were going for their guns, but believe it - in an alternate universe, you've been filled with lead from the waist down.
Scorpio: There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
Scorpio: The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
Taurus : You've always
thought of your life as original, but it turns out to be identical to that
of the daughter of a young couple from Leinster, Ireland, in the mid-1700s.
Taurus : You aren't the kind of person who enjoys the spotlight, so it's disturbing when you discover that you actually are the center of the universe.
Taurus : An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
Taurus : All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
Taurus : This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would've all died eventually, anyway.
Taurus : It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
Taurus: The guys at the Computer Users Group aren't complimenting you when they say you've got a magnetic personality. They think you're destroying their hard drives.
Taurus: Your recent decision to adopt the warrior code of bushido to guide you through life will lead to a tragic confrontation with your inept pet groomer.
Taurus : You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
Taurus : Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
Taurus : You're technically in favor of people exacting bloody revenge, but everyone trying to do it all at once will seriously inconvenience you.
Taurus : You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
Taurus: An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
Virgo : The streets
will soon run red with blood and echo with the tortured cries of the unforgiven,
but you'll be amazed how quickly you get used to it.
Virgo : Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
Virgo : One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
Virgo : Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Virgo : People laughed at you when you told them you spent more money on your computer than on your car. The stars just want you to know that they're laughing too.
Virgo : Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
Virgo : If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
Virgo : You couldn't parallel park if your life depended on it, so it's unfortunate that, due to the alien invaders' strange emphasis on motorist competence, that's exactly what it comes down to.
(some of the above are from BBSpot.Com's Geek Horoscopes)
# DAILY MASH HOROSCOPES
Aquarius: A stare lingers
too long, someone goes out of their way to walk by your desk, a red dot
travels up your body to the centre of your forehead and then suddenly everything
Aries: Venus and Mars bring a goat to the hall. Which is fine, but why's it always you who has to kidnap the virgin
Aries: Mercury stops retreating on Saturday so be careful, he is always at his most dangerous when cornered.
Aries: Honestly? Anything could happen.
Cancer: An underground goat is a fretful creature, stroke its beard and milk it.
Cancer: Stick work on the back burner, you have parties to make, children's festivities to attend, lovers to seduce. But for the love of Christ don't get the last two mixed up like last time.
Gemini: The only thing holding you back right now is your lack of self-belief. Let it.
Gemini: I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord.
Libra: Someone may criticise the way you do things, or hold judgement over how you run your life. Her name is Harriet Harman, and you should find out where she lives.
Libra: It's time to make some major decisions over your home life and where you go from here, luckily the options are narrowed slightly by the divorce and the restraining order.
Pisces: Your ability to remain positive in the face of adversity and always express yourself with enthusiasm has never been more annoying. I may have to kill you.
Sagittarius: Look deeply into your own psyche and work out what you really want, and how much you think it's worth to have someone dress up like that and do it.
Sagittarius: Mars and Venus are now marching in step, their heavy boots stamping on your face, forever.
Scorpio: Drinking cider at eleven in the morning does not automatically mean you are an alcoholic, but it is what's known as a 'leading indicator'.
Scorpio: An old association with a friend or colleague is there to be dusted off and renewed, and past antagonisms gently set to rest in a shallow grave just off the A6.
Taurus: At this point I'd advise you to run in a zig zag motion, ocassionally dropping to the floor and rolling. Just so's you know, I'll be using a crossbow.
Taurus: Write down 15 things about yourself that are lowering your confidence. And don't just go for the really obvious ones.
Taurus: Hurry to clinch that non-aggression pact you are secretly negotiating with a large nearby state whose people and ideology you despise and then invade Poland.
Taurus: You have arrived at a point of power. Take the funny three-pronged thing attached to the plastic string and stick it in. Now can you see the ghost-people talking in the box?
Virgo: The emergence of Pisces may explain the terrible smell of fish you notice every time you enter a room. Or it may not.
# PERSONAL ADS
Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
A tall well built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested? Then please only read
lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327 “' (from The Canberra Times)
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