"Dude, Cartman, look!
Your mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!"
- Kyle Broflovski
"This is pretty f***ed
up right here."
- Stan Marsh
"I'm beginning to think
that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute
on a bull."
- Stan Marsh
"Well I'll be a teenage
girl backstage at an Aerosmith concert! It's Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria!"
"Damn, woman! I just
gave you sweet loving five minutes ago!"
"Don't do drugs kids.
There is a time and place for everything. It's called college."
"I haven't seen a Jew
run like that since Poland, 1938."
- Frank the sportscaster, as Kyle stars for the football team
"I haven't seen an
Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant."
- Frank the sportscaster
"When it comes to a
spelling bee, always bet on a Jew."
- Uncle Ned
"Hey, I get quite disturbed
when you call me that. You shouldn't make fun of foreigners. Besides, I
hate French people."
"But what if I'm trying
to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?"
"Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?"
- Tweek and Stan
"Here is a monkey with
four asses. And here of course is my four-assed ostrich and four-assed
is man's way of correcting God's hideous mistakes, like German people."
- Mr. Garrison
"You didn't make me
a woman! I'm just a man with a mutilated penis!"
- Mr\Mrs Garrison
"Oh, I'm through with
Mr. Hat. He's a two-timing whore. From now on you'll be learning from Mr.Twig."
- Mr. Garrison
"No, that's wrong,
Cartman. But don't worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people."
- Mr. Garrison
"Let's clear the air.
We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep
with that pigeon."
- Mr. Garrison
"Gay people, well,
gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump
not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes
through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes
the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?"
- Mr. Garrison
"Ok children, let's
all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first Bebe. That's
use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing."
- Mr. Garrison
"Now children, this
is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel, behave."
- Mr Garrison
"Please nurse, for
a women with a dead foetus on her head, you're not being very open minded."
- Mr Garrison, as Mr Mackey prepares to mind-meld
"Okay, that does it!
Ya'll be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!"
- Ms. Crabtree
"But that bitch won't
"What did you say!?"
"I said that rabbits eat lettuce."
- Ms. Crabtree
"It's coming right
- Uncle Jimbo, about to open fire
legal in Mexico. It's the American way."
- Uncle Jimbo
- Mr Mackey
"Okay, smoking is bad;
you shouldn't smoke. And alcohol is bad; you shouldn't drink alcohol. And
as for drugs, well, drugs are bad; you shouldn't do drugs. That's about
wraps it up."
- Mr. Mackey
"Okay, we're going
to break up into teams. Team A will consist of Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef,
Nurse Goodley, and myself. Team B will consist of Kenny."
- Hell's Pass Hospital ER doctor
"Hey! Stupid rats get
off him. He's not dead yet!"
- Cartman, watching out for Kenny
"If Chewbacca lives
on Endor, then you must acquit!"
- Johnny Cochrane
"Timmy. Timmy! Timmy?
- Timmy, displaying an amazing ability to converse with a single word
"Remember Token, in
polo it doesn't matter who wins, what matters is who wins three times in
- Token is hanging with the other rich people
"Uh Jimmy, we've told
you before. God made you the way he did for a reason!"
"Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school."
"That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son."
- Jimmy's Dad and Jimmy
"Tom, over five years
ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but
the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now
built his very own Legion of Doom!"
- A News Reporter
"In other news, a pink
eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report
is a midget wearing a bikini."
- The Newsreader
"Tolerant, but not
stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean
you have to approve of it! ...'Tolerate' means you're just putting up with
it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or,
or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off!"
- Mr. Garrison
Stan : "Why would God
let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my friend. Why can't God take someone
Chef : "Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?"
Stan : "But then, why does God give us anything to start with?"
Chef : "Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power."
Stan : "I thnk I understand."
- Chef explains death to Stan, when Kenny dies for real
Token : "You mean,
you want me around?"
Stan : "Sure, dude, you're our friend."
Token : "Yeah, I know. But you guys always rip on me for being rich."
Stan : "Dude, just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you."
Kyle : "Yeah. We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich just like we make fun of Butters for being wimpy."
Butters : "They sure do."
Stan : "Yeah, like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew."
Kyle : "Right."
Token : "That's right, huh?"
Kyle : "And Stan for being in love with Wendy."
Stan : "Yeah, I get it for that."
Kyle : "And Cartman for being fat."
Cartman : "Uh huh."
Kyle : "And Cartman for being stupid."
Cartman : "Yeah."
Kyle : "And Cartman for having a whore for a mom."
Cartman : "Hey!"
Kyle : "And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole."
Cartman : "Ey, you did me already!"
- In the Company of Men
"I am the Ghost of
Human Kindness. You have lost faith in humanity, lad. Something I cannot
bear to see happen."
"Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems that everywhere I turn, someone is out to get me."
"That is the world of the news reports. It is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with, but it is not the world as it is. Look here, Tweek. This woman is on her way to the retirement home. She doesn't get paid; she volunteers her time to talk with lonely elderly people who want nothing more than a friend. But do you hear about her on the news? No. Now, look here, boy. A car has broken down with a flat tire, and two complete strangers have stopped to help. Will their kindness be reported on the news tomorrow? I think not."
- The Ghost of Human Kindness reassures Tweek, "Child Abduction Is Not Funny"
"Why do you children
live in this town alone?"
"Because we do. It was like this yesterday, and the day before that."
"But what about before that?"
"You mean in the Before Time? In the long, long ago?"
- A visiting grownup questions Stan and Kyle
"If you don't teach
your children that Paris Hilton should be despised, how will they know?"
- Mr. Slave
"No, no! Don't become
an angry mob! Last time we did that we killed Jesus!"
- Kyle, addressing the town's Jesus community, "The Passion of the Jew"
"Oh no, people! Come
on! We're so close to completing my final solution!"
- Cartman, losing his "Passion of the Christ" inspired mob, "The Passion of the Jew"
"Everyone grab a Chinese
person and rub them on a blanket!"
- The Native Americans plot to infect the townspeople with SARS
"Kenny, we've got to
make Stan see the importance of voting 'cause he's sure to vote for our
"May the gods treat
you more kindly than we did."
- The Mayor banishes Stan
"What the hell did
they do with all the fat? There must have been enough to last an Eskimo
family for weeks!"
- Stan, after a thin 'Cartman' returns from fat camp
Phase 1: Collect underpants.
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit
- The Business Plan of the Underpants Gnomes
"Aaron, I'm standing
at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules. That is,
it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast, say, to Back
To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider
rules, which are just plain silly. Anyway, it appears that the man from
the future is here to stay."
- A Reporter at the 'time border'
"I think it's wrong
to call them goobacks because they're no different from us. They're just
humans trying to make their lives better. Look, it sucks that the immigrants'
time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come
back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too. Maybe
the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the
future better. I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward
a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants
won't need to come back here looking for work."
Yesterday's future is today.
# FROM "TWO DAYS BEFORE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW"
Reporter: "Tom, I'm
currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town
proper. We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that
the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. Beaverton has only a
population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating."
Anchor: "Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch?"
Reporter: "We're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism."
all very impressed with your wild theories, Doctor Marsh, but the fact
is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists.
Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?"
Randy: "With all due respect, cliché dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter... the day after tomorrow."
Scientist: "Global Warming is going to strike... two days before the day after tomorrow."
Stan: "Global warming
isn't happening right now. It's, it's not what caused the Beaverton flood."
Kyle: "How do you know that?"
Stan: "Because, I know what did cause the flood."
Kyle: "George Bush?"
Kyle: "Chinese radicals?"
Stan: "...sort of."
"I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys, I'm going home."
"I hate you guys."
"I love you guys."
"Yeah, I want some Cheesey Poofs."
"Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!"
"I'm not fat! I'm big boned!"
"Respect my AUTHORITHAI!"
"I would never let
a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like: hey, you get your
back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
"Be a man Stan. Say, 'Hey woman, you shut your mouth and make babies.'"
"Kenny, your family is poor!"
"Democrats really piss me off."
"My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa."
"My mom says there's a lot of black people in China."
"I know why drugs are bad. If you do drugs you're a hippie. And hippies suck."
"Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on Welfare. Look at Kenny's family. They're perfectly happy being poor and on Welfare."
(0n Dolphins) "Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise."
"Dolphins, eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap."
"Screw you, hippie."
"How are all my little friends, with their little dreams?"
"I'll roshambo you for it."
"Ten dollar! Eight dollar! You give me eight dollar, soldier boy! Sucky, sucky, five dollar!" (as Ming Lee)
"I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truly great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to. You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both. It's called 'having your cake and eating it too'."
Watch the video Eric.
Narrator: Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man.
Hitler: Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. And I menschen vergen broder. Doktor Schtella, alarm, menschen…
Cartman: Lieben est verboten, a es scriben uts, ka liederhosen, …God damnit!
Puffy the Bear: So remember kids, dressing up like Hitler in school, isn't cool.
Principal Victoria: Now, do you have any questions?
Cartman: Could I see that again, that was kewl.
"Can Eric spend the
"No, Eric is grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews last week."
- Stan and Cartman's Mom
"Shut up, you f***ing
"Eric, did you just say the F-word?"
- Mr. Garrison and Cartman
# TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE
"Hey, terrorist. Terrorize
- Lisa, blowing away a terrorist
"I hate to break this
to you, Gary, but some people out there want you dead."
"They're called terrorists, Gary. And they hate everything about you."
"Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor."
"It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for. And every single minute of every single day, the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you and everyone else who lives in a free country. The only thing standing in their way is us."
- Spottswoode, recruiting Gary Johnston
"Team America has once
again pissed off the entire world by blowing up half of Cairo."
- Peter Jennings, covering Team America on the news
"Being a dick ain't
so bad. See, there are three kinds of people: Dicks, pussies and assholes.
Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just wanna fuck all the
time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, and all
the assholes want is to shit all over everything. So pussies may get mad
at dicks once in a while because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks
also fuck assholes. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what
you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit."
- A drunk explains a theory to Gary
"Let me explain to
you how this works: you see, the corporations finance Team America, and
then Team America goes out... and the corporations sit there in their...
in their corporation buildings, and... and, and see, they're all corporation-y...
and they make money."
- Tim Robbins
"As actors, it is our
responsibility yo read the newspapers and then say what we read on television
like it's our own opinion."
- Janeane Garofolo, at the Film Actor's Guild (F.A.G.) meeting
"By following the rules
of the Film Actor's Guild, the world can become a better place; that handles
dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the F.A.G. way."
- Alec Baldwin
"What the hell happened?"
"Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel."
- Gary and Intelligence, after Michael Moore's suicide attack
"Every country will
be a Third World country. Just imagine it. All around the world, there
will be massive explosions. With nobody to guide them, the people will
break out into panic and rioting all over the earth. The true nature of
humanity is unleashed. Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone and fends
only for themselves. Global stability unravels."
- Kim Jong Il's reveals his plan in arch-villain fashion
"Your skills are fading
with age, Miss Sarandon!"
"...I could've sworn she was telling the truth."
"That's why they call it acting."
- Gary and Chris, almost falling for Susan Sarandon's trap
"If there's a world
left when this is all over, I'd like to buy you a beer."
- Chris to Gary
"I can't upstage Alec
Baldwin! He's the best actor in the world."
"The truth is that
Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just
as the enemies they fight."
"Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild
are pussies. And Kim Jong II is an asshole... Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick with some balls."
- Alec Baldwin and Gary
"What would you do
if you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom? ...Freedom isn't
free. It costs folks like you and me and if we don't all chip in, we'll
never pay that bill. Freedom isn't free. No, there's a hefty fucking fee...
And if you don't throw in your buck o'five, who will?"
- The Freedom Song
"America, fuck yeah!
Comin' again to save the motherfucking day, yeah! America, fuck yeah! Freedom
is the only way, yeah! Terrorists, your game is through, 'cause now you
have to answer to America! ...Freedom is the only way, yeah! It's the dream
that we all share. It's the hope for tomorrow."
- The America Song
"I miss you more than
Michael Bay missed the mark, when he made Pearl Harbor. I miss you more
than that movie missed the point. And that's an awful lot, girl."
- Gary's "Missing You" Song
# STRANGERS WITH CANDY
Of the 'live-action' show that shares South Park's sense of humour, the most is "Strangers With Candy", here are some quotes:
"How many of you wanna
wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you hope is your
- Jerri Blank, trying to scare students sensible, "Strangers with Candy"
"I'm not adopted and
I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling
and booze and a knack for catching syphilis."
- Jerri Blank, "Strangers with Candy: Trail of Tears"
"Listen, girls. Violence
never solves anything except conflicts."
- Geoffrey Jellineck, "Strangers with Candy"
# IT'S A SOUTH PARK WORLD
"But how can anyone
take this religion seriously except for Star Wars convention goers?"
- A South Park fan lays into Scientology
"Who would win in a
fight, Tiny Tim or Timmy from South Park?"
- one of the contests in "Battle Royale 4: The Christmas Edition"
"In a world fraught
with corruption, four young boys united by fate, torn apart by destiny...
Somewhere between love and honour, between courage and not courage, between
Kansas and Utah, there lies South Park. Kyle Broflovski. Stan Marsh. Saddam
Hussein. Kenny McCormick. Big Gay Al. And Eric Cartman. This summer all
hell breaks loose."
- voiceover from trailer to "South Park: Bigger, longer, uncut"
Kids are mad little
buggers. Anyone who works with children will tell you so, although they
may phrase it differently. Not all kids are vicious, bloodthirsty wee bastards.
Just most of them. You probably were. Maybe you don't remember it, because
you can't imagine a time before you had a conscience, any more than you
can recall a time before you could read. Kids aren't evil, just astoundingly
callous. They have next to no empathy. And whatever empathy they do have
is more likely to be reserved for pets or television than for fellow humans.
It's no wonder they grow up to be adults. What is a wonder is that no-one
thought of South Park sooner. An animated series about children who actually
behave like children. Children on American-made telly are either Sesame
Street types (happy-clappy, multicultural), Tiny Adventurers (“Let's ride
our bikes down the abandoned mineshaft!”) or Issue Of The Month fodder...
Cartman is the real prize, a fat, deluded ball of rage and greed. He has
eyes that screw up in wrath as his face turns crimson, and a voice like
a handsaw on a steel pipe. With this voice, in a series of choice phrases,
Cartman illuminates each episode with an endlesly quotable commentary that
is nothing short of masterful.
- David Bennun, commenting on the show in "Uncut Magazine"
Beavis and Butt-Head
appealed to a cult audience of jaded, pop-culture-savvy young men, and
for this reason, they're often compared to the kids on South Park (which
is clearly indebted to the earlier show, right down to the touchy-feely
teacher who likes to say, "Mmm-kay?"). But the elementary-school heroes
of South Park are smartass social critics, taking down liberal and conservative
pieties with an equal-opportunity cynicism that reflects the libertarian
beliefs of their co-creator Trey Parker. The high-school burnouts Beavis
and Butt-Head have no such ambition; they are sublimely passive losers,
both products and harbingers of the end-of-history anomie of the mid-'90s.
It's impossible to imagine a post-9/11 Beavis and Butt-Head. Not because
the show was devoid of political content but because the world it so ruthlessly
satirized, a suburban cocoon of mindless consumption and complacent self-regard,
abruptly ceased to exist at the beginning of this millennium.
- Dana Stevens, "Slate Magazine"
In their insightful
and offbeat Freakonomics Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner tell the remarkable
story of Stetson Kennedy’s important role in preventing a substantial national
revival of the Ku Klux Klan following World War II. Kennedy first infiltrated
the Klan on his own and learned its secret structure, terminology, and
passwords and then, in a stroke of genius, provided these to . . . The
Adventures of Superman radio show. The script writers made great sport
of the Klan’s goofy terminology (“Exalted Cyclopses,” “Kleagles,” “Klaverns,”
etc.) as Superman battled against them. Very soon all over the country
children were playing Superman vs. The Klan and mocking the Klan’s bizarre
and murderous thuggery. Members began to leave in droves. Kennedy’s success
demonstrates that it is much more difficult to strike fear into a society
when its children are laughing at you. Some six decades later the comic
geniuses behind South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, have on occasion
turned their attention to a different set of bizarre and murderous thugs.
In an episode shortly after 9/11, “Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants” (originally
titled “Osama bin Laden Has a Tiny Penis”) the potty-mouthed South Park
kids go to Afghanistan. Bin Laden does not come off well. Then in their
first full-length film (South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut) Parker and Stone
explore the implications of a hilariously romantic involvement between
Saddam Hussein and the Devil.
- from "National Review"
The king of anti-Christian
imagery this season was the recent episode of South Park that deliberately
depicted a particularly vile and offensive image of Jesus. Far more offensive
anything in Da Vinci or Madonna’s act. But, of the three, the most defensible.
Here’s how it worked: The episode centered around the Danish Mohammed cartoon
controversy. In the episode, there was a harmless depiction of Mohammed
purchasing a snack from a vendor. The image lasted for a couple of seconds
and was completely uninteresting. There was also a depiction of Jesus—wildly
offensive and awful. Guess which image Comedy Central refused to air? Using
diabolical double-backwards-reverse psychology, the South Park creators
made the most pro-Christian pop-cultural point of the season by forcing
the question: Why is it okay to offend every Christian on the planet earth—but
we can’t even mention Mohammed in polite company?
- Dave Konig, "National Review"
"If Israel and Iran
go to war... the United States is in a war too, you know?"
"And then Iraq and Syria get involved..."
"And we’re not paying attention to North Korea, you know?"
"Yeah, dude. South Park was talking about this stuff years ago."
- Conversation overheard on Penn State campus, seen on "National Review"
It's quite possible
that the greatest favor the United States could do for Canada is to declare
war on it. No, this isn't a tribute to South Park, the TV cartoon that
popularized a song -- "Blame Canada" -- calling for an outright invasion
of our northern neighbor. A full-scale conquest is unnecessary; all Canada
needs is to be slapped around a little bit, to be treated like a whining
kid who's got to start acting like a man. We've done it more than once,
and we've threatened it plenty of times. Thomas Jefferson told President
Madison that conquering Canada would be "a mere matter of marching." Of
course, that advice resulted in the burning of the White House in the War
of 1812, but the U.S. still came out ahead. Why would a new war be necessary?
The short answer is: to keep the Canadians from being conquered by the
United States. In effect, it would be a war to keep Canada free.
"Canada has never been able to defend itself," says Barry Cooper, a Canadian defense expert. "We've always had to rely on coalitions, be they British, French, or the Americans." The difference today, notes Cooper, is that Canada pretty much has no interest in even contributing to the coalition. Canada's military has an immensely proud tradition and by all accounts Canadian warriors remain an impressive lot, but they are ill-equipped and increasingly under-trained. Canadians have long talked about how they are a "moral superpower" and a nation of peacekeepers, not warriors. While they were never in fact a moral superpower -- when was the last time a dictator said, "We'd better not, the Canadians might admonish us"?
Naturally, America is going to defend itself with or without Canada's cooperation, but this self-Finlandization has serious consequences nonetheless. If, for example, al-Qaeda launched a September 11-style attack from Canadian soil, we would have only two choices: ask Canada to take charge, or take charge ourselves. The predictable -- and necessary -- U.S. action would spark outrage. We certainly don't need the burden of turning "the world's longest undefended border" into one of the world's longest defended ones. And that's why a little invasion is precisely what Canada needs. In the past, Canada has responded to real threats from the U.S. -- and elsewhere -- with courage and conviction (for instance, some say more Canadians went south to enlist for war in Vietnam than Americans went north to dodge it). If the U.S. were to launch a quick raid into Canada, blow up some symbolic but unoccupied structure -- Toronto's CN Tower, or perhaps an empty hockey stadium -- Canada would rearm overnight.
Indeed, Canada might even be forced to rethink many of its absurd socialist policies in order to pay for the costs involved in protecting itself from the Yankee peril. Canada's neurotic anti-Americanism would be transformed into manly resolve. The U.S. could quickly pretend to be frightened that it had messed with the wrong country, and negotiate a fragile peace with the newly ornery Canadians. In a sense, the U.S. owes it to Canada to slap it out of its shame-spiral. That's what big brothers do.
- Jonah Goldberg, "Bomb Canada: The Case for War", "National Review"
Invading Canada won't
be like invading Iraq: When we invade Canada, nobody will be able to grumble
that we didn't have a plan. The United States government does have a plan
to invade Canada. It's a 94-page document called "Joint Army and Navy Basic
War Plan -- Red," with the word SECRET stamped on the cover. It's a bold
plan, a bodacious plan, a step-by-step plan to invade, seize and annex
our neighbor to the north. It goes like this:
First, we send a joint Army-Navy overseas force to capture the port city of Halifax, cutting the Canadians off from their British allies. Then we seize Canadian power plants near Niagara Falls, so they freeze in the dark. Then the U.S. Army invades on three fronts -- marching from Vermont to take Montreal and Quebec, charging out of North Dakota to grab the railroad center at Winnipeg, and storming out of the Midwest to capture the strategic nickel mines of Ontario. Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy seizes the Great Lakes and blockades Canada's Atlantic and Pacific ports.
...It sounds like a joke but it's not. War Plan Red is real. It was drawn up and approved by the War Department in 1930, then updated in 1934 and 1935. War Plan Red was actually designed for a war with England. In the late 1920s, American military strategists developed plans for a war with Japan (code name Orange), Germany (Black), Mexico (Green) and England (Red). The Americans imagined a conflict between the United States (Blue) and England over international trade... The stakes were high: If the British and Canadians won the war, the planners predicted, Canada will demand that Alaska be awarded to her."
...The dream of invading Canada lives on in the American psyche, occasionally manifesting itself in bizarre ways. Movies, for instance. In the 1995 movie "Canadian Bacon," the U.S. president, played by Alan Alda, decides to jump-start the economy by picking a fight with Canada. His battle cry: "Surrender pronto or we'll level Toronto." In the 1999 movie "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut," Americans, angered that their kids have been corrupted by a pair of foulmouthed, flatulent Canadian comedians, go to war. Canada responds by sending its air force to bomb the Hollywood home of the Baldwin brothers -- a far more popular defensive strategy than anything Buster Brown devised. Moviegoers left theaters humming the film's theme: Blame Canada! Blame Canada!
- Peter Carlson, "The Washington Post" (Dec'05)
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