(OR How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)
Major TJ 'King' Kong : Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Roosskies... I reckon you wouldn't even be human being if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelings about nuclear combat.
Major Jack D Ripper : Your Commie has no regard for human life. Not even his own.
Major Jack D Ripper
: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?
Captain Lionel Mandrake : No, I don't think I do, sir, no.
Major Jack D Ripper : He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought.
General Buck Turgidson : Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.
Russian Ambassador : You would never have found him through his office, Mr. President. Our Premier is a man of the people, but he is also... a man, if you follow my meaning.
American President Merkin Muffley calls the Soviet Premier...
Hello? Hello, Dimitri?
Listen, I can't hear too well, do you suppose you could turn the music
down just a little? Oh, that's much better. Yes. Fine, I can hear you now,
Dimitri. Clear and plain and coming through fine. I'm coming through fine
too, eh? Good, then. Well then as you say we're both coming through fine.
Good. Well it's good that you're fine and I'm fine. I agree with you. It's
great to be fine.
Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb, Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb. Well now what happened is, one of our base commanders, he had a sort of, well he went a little funny in the head. You know. Just a little... funny. And uh, he went and did a silly thing.
Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his planes... to attack your country.
Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish, Dimitri.
Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?
Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I like to say hello. Not now, but any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened.
It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call. Listen, if it wasn't friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it. They will not reach their targets for at least another hour.
I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick.
Well I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes.
Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes, then I'd say that, uh, well, we're just going to have to help you destroy them, Dimitri.
I know they're our boys.
Alright, well, listen... who should we call?
Who should we call, Dimitri?
The people...? Sorry, you faded away there.
The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where is that, Dimitri?
In Omsk. Right. Yes.
Oh, you'll call them first, will you?
Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dimitri?
What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information. I'm sorry too, Dimitri. I'm very sorry.
Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as well. I am as sorry as you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you are more sorry than I am, because I am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're both sorry, alright?
"The doomsday machine."
"The doomsday machine? What is that?"
"A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth."
- President Merkin Muffley & Russian Ambassador
"Cobalt thorium G has
a radioactive halflife of ninety three years. If you take, say, fifty H-bombs
in the hundred megaton range and jacket them with cobalt thorium G, when
they are exploded they will produce a doomsday shroud. A lethal cloud of
radioactivity which will encircle the earth for ninety three years!"
"I'm afraid I don't understand something. Is the Premier threatening to explode this if our planes carry out their attack?"
"No sir. It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is designed to to trigger itself automatically."
- Russian Ambassador & President Merkin Muffley
"But this is absolute
madness, ambassador. Why should you build such a thing?"
"There are those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. And at the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we'd been spending on defense in a single year. But the deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap."
"This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that."
"Our source was the New York Times."
"Dr. Strangelove, do we have anything like that in the works?"
- President Merkin Muffley & Russian Ambassador
"Under the authority
granted me as director of weapons research and development, I commissioned
last year a study of this project by the Bland corporation. Based on the
findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical
deterrent, for reasons which, at this moment, must be all too obvious"
"But, how is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically, and at the same time impossible to untrigger?"
"Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the fear to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying. It's simple to understand. And completely credible, and convincing."
- Dr Strangelove & President Merkin Muffley
kind of a name is that? That ain't no kraut name, is it, Stainsy?"
"He changed it when he became a citizen. It used to be Merkwurkdigliebe."
- General Buck Turgidson & Stains
"Yes, but the whole
point of the doomsday machine is lost if you keep it a secret! Why didn't
you tell the world?"
"It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises."
- Dr Strangelove & Russian Ambassador
"Mr. President, I would
not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens. It would
be quite easy atthe bottom of some of our deeper mineshafts. The
radioactivity would never penetrate a mine some thousands of feet deep.
And in a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could
easily be provided."
"How long would you have to stay down there?"
"I would think that uh possibly one hundred years."
"You mean, people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?"
"It would not be difficult mein Fuhrer! Nuclear reactors could, heh... I'm sorry. Mr. President. Nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plantlife. Animals could be bred and slaughtered. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country. But I would guess... that ah, dwelling space for several hundred thousands of our people could easily be provided."
"Well I... I would hate to have to decide who stays up and who goes down."
"Well, that would not be necessary Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors from youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence, and a cross section of necessary skills. Of course it would be absolutely vital that our top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would bemuch time, and little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years."
- Dr Strangelove & President Merkin Muffley
"Doctor, you mentioned
the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the
abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as
far as men were concerned?"
"Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature"
- General Buck Turgidson & Dr Strangelove
"I think we should
look at this from the military point of view. I mean, supposing the Russkies
stashes away some big bomb, see. When they come out in a hundred years
they could take over... In fact, they might even try an immediate sneak
attack so they could take over our mineshaft space... I think it would
be extremely naive of us, Mr. President, to imagine that these new developments
are going to cause any change in Soviet expansionist policy. I mean, we
must be... increasingly on the alert to prevent them from taking over other
mineshaft space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do, thus,
knocking us out in superior numbers when we emerge! Mr. President, we must
not allow... a mine shaft gap!"
- General Buck Turgidson
Gentlemen, you can't
fight in here, this is the War Room!
- President Merkin Muffley
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