RED DWARF QUOTES
"Don't give me any
of that 'Star Trek' crap. It's too early in the morning."
- Dave Lister
"Boarding this vessel
is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
"All in all, 100% successful
"But sir, we lost
"All in all, 100%
- Cat & Kryten
"Come on bud, you're
not doing anything I wouldn't do!"
"What? You'd sacrifice
your life for the sake of the crew?"
"No, I'd sacrifice
your life for the sake of the crew."
- Cat & Rimmer
"I owe Mr.Lister everything
sir, if it wasn't for him, I'd be normal."
"Frankenstein was the
creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly
"Love is what separates
us from animals "
"Last time I only failed
by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"No, Lister. What
separates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our
own genitals. "
"You what? You walked
in there, wrote, "I am a fish," four hundred times, did a funny little
dance, and fainted."
"The water is only 3 feet
deep. They can wade. That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite
"Nice plan, Lister.
Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister! What about the sheep? What are
you going to do, buy them water-wings? Fit them with stilts? Better still,
you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton. Baa,
splash, baa, splash."
- Lister and Rimmer
discuss Lister’s plan to put a farm on Fiji, which is now 3ft under water
"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like
being on holiday with a group of Germans."
- Rimmer describes
death to Lister
BALANCE OF POWER
"My answer in answering
the question: "What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?" Write
bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum,
what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with
quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"
- Rimmer has another
WAITING FOR GOD
I'm not a god, I was
"After intensive investigation
(comma) of the markings on the alien pod (comma) it has become clear (comma)
to me (comma) that we are dealing (comma) with a species of awesome intellect
"Good. Perhaps they
might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation."
CONFIDENCE AND PARANOIA
There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency.
This is an emergency announcement."
"Stranger things have
"Only two come to
mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that
time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."
"Well, yeah. I am,
"Oh, then you won't
want to know about the two super-light-speed fighters that are tracking
"I'll leave you to
your bubble blowing, mate."
"No, Hol, come on,
"They're from Earth."
"Three million years
"They're from the
"The North Western
Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
"Me? Why? What for?"
"For your crimes against
"It seems when you
left Earth three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages
on a plate in your kitchen."
"You know what happens
to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
"Yeah. They go all
"Your sausages, Dave,
now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also you left seventeen
pounds, fifty pence in a bank account. Thanks to compound interest you
now own ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since you've
hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any money except for you
"Why NorWEB? "
"You left a light
on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty
"A hundred and eighty
billion pounds! You're kidding!"
"But it's not April."
"Yeah, I know, but
I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot jape like that under my belt."
- Holly The Computer
"Come on, what are you,
a man or a munchkin?"
"I'm off to see the
wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."
"As the days go by,
we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited,
hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
BETTER THAN LIFE
So great is the appeal
of "Better Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks rubber
nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd.
- A Newsreader reports
on the phenomenal success of the BTL game
Philistines. I mean how
can you re-make Cassablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter
Beardsley was definitive.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
It happens, you know,
Rimmer. You meet people, then you move on, man. When I was ten, I had a
friend called Duncan. Me best mate ever. He taught me everything. He was
the one who showed me how to put mirrors on me toecaps so I could look
up girl's skirts. Then his father had to move to Spain because of a job.
It was a bank job he pulled in Purley. Never saw him again. I still think
of him, though... every time I look at me shoes.
Don't try and explain
it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves
me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that
little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over
it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put
my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his
teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash
his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The
little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
Welcome to Xpress Lifts,
descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred
and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the
in-lift movie "Gone With the Wind". If you look to your right and to your
left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event
of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your
seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament,
and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide
Well, when it's not
serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder
I had this Geography teacher,
Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. I had
the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken
up by this really weird noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
Our biggest enemy is going
space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my
slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of
"Look at what he's given
me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.
[goes to squish the pea; it snaps away] I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it!
"He's just doing this
to destroy your morale."
"Is he? Well, I want
my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea. Where is it? I don't care
if it's on the floor all covered in fluff, if it's under the bed with my
toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it,
and I'm going to eat it no matter what!
"It flew off into your
"I'll just have the
"Lister? How did you know
about Inflatable Ingrid?"
"I've been seeing
her behind your back."
"This is crazy! Why
are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone....she'll never
leave Fred and we know it. "
R: "But that was a
barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,a shambolic drunken set-to."
L: "...which you started.
R: "I just made an
innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually
tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead. I didn't start the rumour;
I merely voiced it."
L: "...to his face
-- right to his face...when he was with his four biggest mates. And then
you do your roadrunner act and leave *ME* to face the music.
R: "Well, I could
have got hurt!"
L: "You'd have made
a brilliant general, wouldn't you?"
As far as I can
see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run
away. Who's for Two?
You either got it or you
ain't. Boys, you ain't even close.
Look, just because it's
an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber,
doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a
table, and put together a solution package : perhaps over tea and biscuits.
- Rimmer, after having
all his anger removed
Why don't we go down to
the ammunition stores, get the nuclear warheads and then strap one to my
head? I'll nut the smegger to oblivion!
I think we're all beginning
to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call
ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against
Salivating Monsters" or, my own personal preference, which is "The Committee
for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation
Into Society." One drawback with that--the abbreviation is CLITORIS.
"I just got sick and tired
of using plastic knives and forks, man, so I went to the medical unit and
nicked some gear."
"This is a scalpel!
I'm supposed to cut *my* food with a scalpel? Something that has been inside
"It's all been cleaned;
it's all been washed; it's clean."
"Something that, long
ago in history, may well have performed a certain popular Jewish operation?
*I'm* supposed to eat with *this* ?"
- Lister & Cat,
"So now Lister's got no
sense of fear..."
"What are we going
"Well, I say let's
get out there and twat it!"
"Lister, you're ill.
Just relax and leave this to us."
"I could have had
it in the sleeping quarters, but you saw it : you saw it -- it took me
"Lister, it turned
into an eight-foot-tall, armour-plated alien killing machine."
"If it wants a barney,
we'll give it one! One swift knee in the happy sacks; it'll drop like anyone
"Fine, well, we'll
bear that in mind when we're planning our strategy."
"I'm gonna rip out
its windpipe and beat it death with the tonsil end."
"Yes, yes, very good..."
- Rimmer & Lister
discuss the situation
"I am really not sure
about this. [as he pushes a trolley with Lister on it down a corridor]"
"Look, you're programmed
to obey - get on with it."
"But surely we should
ask him first?"
"I told you, he's
agreed. He's perfectly happy about the situation."
"Well then why did
you make me chloroform him and why did he struggle so?"
"Look, I'm in charge
Kryten, I'll take full responsibility."
"Oh! But sir..."
"Science lab, pronto.
And If he comes around give him another whack. "
"We could go to Dallas
in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout "Duck!" ... I'm
sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste Chip."
Pub: ah, yes, a meeting
place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence
by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
"You know, I stand here
now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is
the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in
the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with . .
. with . . . with what, I've got . . . it's you isn't it?"
It's my duty, as a total
and utter bastard
Kryten, unpack Rachel
and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm ALIVE!!!!
THE LAST DAY
"There's nothing wrong
with boxing. It's one of the great working class escapes, is boxing. It's
just sport, like any other. Two highly trained athletes at the peak of
physical perfection, trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat. In
fact, at its best, it's not a sport, it's an artform."
"Female topless boxing?"
- Lister & Kryten,
The Last Day
"Just out of interest:
Is Silicon Heaven the same place as human Heaven?"
"Human heaven? Goodness
me, humans don't go to Heaven! No, someone made that up to prevent you
all from going nuts!"
"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any
"I don't blame you.
You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind,
but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly
my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings!
Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
If we're talking about
famous firsts - my first French kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen
years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Sixteen.
Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure
about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck
down my throat. Wide awake now — I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle
Frank! He'd got the wrong room - he thought I was my mum!
"Why didn't you have a
"I was abandoned."
"Six weeks old. A
cardboad box underneath the pool table. I was just abandoned in this pub."
"How could anybody
"I don't know. I never
"Well, I'd have thought
it was obvious. Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit
liason. A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you
were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, Lister,
that there's a very real possibility that your parents were brother and
"Hey, I'm baring my
innermost here! What kind of remark is that?"
"How many toes have
"Is it just me, or is
that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called
a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship,
3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg
I got this traffic cone?"
- Kryten, Rimmer &
"Oh, I think you're
"Hey. The prospect of
making love to a complete and total stranger is just as galling to me,
y'know? We gotta be completely professional about this. Totally clinical
and unemotional. So just lie back, relax and I'll go and slip into my Spiderman
"(Astounded) Do you?
Well, thank you. No-one's ever said I was charming before. They've said,
"Rimmer, you're a total git." But never charming, no."
"And they say romance
is dead. "
It's the old, old story:
Droid meets Droid, Droid becomes Chameleon, Droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon
turns into Blob, Droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes
off with Blob, and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times
have we seen that story?
( Kryten has been changed
from a mechanoid to a human, and is discussing it with Lister )
L: Any problems?
K: Well, just one
or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then,
uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
L: No, human eyes
don't have a zoom.
K: Well then, how
do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
L: Well, you just
move your head closer to the object.
K: I see. Move your
head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about
other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion ?
L: No. We don't have
K: You don't have
them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no,
that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work.
L: Er, in what way
K: Well, uh, when
I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body
temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up
shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard
I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
L: Human nipples don't
do that, Kryten.
K: I see. Fine. Ah:
recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they
do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume
to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear
to have the standard three-pin adaptor. Now, do I have to use some kind
of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling
L: Kryten, we eat
and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
K: Hmm. Ah yes, now,
I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something
I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo
subject – not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in
L: Kryten, I'm an
enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.
K: Well, I want to
talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk
mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive
system without adolescent sniggering?
L: Yeah, of course
K: Thank you. [hands
Lister polaroid] Well?
L: `Well' what?
K: Well, what do you
L: I'm not quite with
you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
K: I want to know:
is that normal?
L: What? Taking photographs
of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
K: Well, but is it
supposed to look like that?
L: Well, yeah.
K: It's hideous! That's
the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there
were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape
we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had
one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of
those stashed in his slacks?
L: Well, yeah.
K: No wonder humans
don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this [hands Lister polaroid.
Lister rotates it several times, perplexed] and this. [hands Lister second
polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock]
Now why do you suppose that happened?
L: Wwwwwhat were you
thinking of at the time?
K: Well, nothing in
particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance
catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and
suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
L: You see, man, you're
neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts
about electrical appliances.
K: It *was* a triple-bag
easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
L: Kryten, I don't
care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double
polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back.
I just don't trust
that machine, man. Look, I know it's old- fashioned, but I'm from the school
that believes, "If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have invented Spanish
air traffic control".
"Oh, lots of people take
towels from hotels. "
"I took the bed. Winched
it out of the window to my mate outside. I was renting this flat. It was
"So you went to a
hotel and stole the bed? "
"I stole the entire
room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet. Even the fitted wardrobe.
The only thing I didn't take were the towels. "
"The question is: Can
we turn him back again?"
"The question is:
Do we want to?"
- Cat & Rimmer,
after Lister is turned into a chicken
This man is not guilty
of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his
crime. It is also his punishment.
Convict: No weapons?
Lister: No weapons.
[they advance on the gangway]
out a knife) I lied.
Lister: So did I.
(Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out
a gun) I lied twice.
Lister: (getting worried)
I hadn't thought of that...
"Well, Space Corps
Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic
crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members
"Look, I don't want any
toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants
any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive
271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "
"How 'bout a muffin?"
"Or muffins! Or muffins!
We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, noteacakes,
no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes,
no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"
"Aah, so you're a
- Lister and Talkie
"He's defective. He wants
everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something
like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's
what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving
me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "
"But there are fifty-three
doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to
"Hey, I got it! We
laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion,
Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for
the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
"Smoke me a kipper,
I'll be back for breakfast."
"Purple alert! Purple
"What's a purple alert?"
"Well, it's like not
as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve
"Rimmer, what's going
on out there? Isn't that Mahatma Gandhi? And what's he doing practising
hand to hand combat with a nun? "
"That's not a nun,
Listy, that's Lieutenant Colonel Mother Theresa. She's a soldier now. "
"Maybe we should drop
the defensive shields?"
"Binks to Enlightenment.
Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation: there is absolutely
nothing of any value or interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface
vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight
design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt out.
Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. Ah, Felix Sapiens
-- bred from the domestic house cat, and about half as smart. No value
in future study of this species. What have we here? A human being, or a
very close approximation. Chronological age: mid-20s. Physical age: 47.
Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for
the museum. Apart from that, of no value or interest."
"A superlative suggestion
sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields
and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically,
that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention
"Lister to Red Dwarf.
We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains in the anal region. Chin
absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value
"Binks to Enlightenment.
Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire
and imitation. With patient tuition could, maybe, master simple tasks."
"Lister to Red Dwarf.
Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple
threats. With careful pummelling could, possibly, be sucking tomorrow's
lunch through a straw. "
"Binks to Enlightenment.
The human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical
violence to a hologram."
"Lister to Red Dwarf.
The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy
holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced
like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat. (eats cigarette,
removes his jacket) "
"Binks to Enlightment.
Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed. Enlightment, quickly, please.
"They've taken Mr Rimmer!
Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!"
Rimmer, they're a bunch
of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you
really think you'll fit in with them? What am I saying? Bon voyage.
Sir, I beg you to reconsider.
If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications
of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled
to have sex with beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand. Now,
am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?…[pause]…apparently
"Rimmer, you said that
about King of Kings, the story of Jesus! "
"Quick! Let's get
out of here before they bring him back!"
"Well it's true! A
simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic tricks like that, and
doesn't go into show business! Do any of us believe that, even for a second?
"He was supposed to
be the son of god! "
"And when he was carrying
that cross up the hill. Any normal realistic bloke would have mule kicked
the guy on the left, clobbered the one on the right, been over that green
hill and far away before you could say 'Pontius Pilate'. "
Look, I'm not much good
at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on
with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as
friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard
you as people I met.
- Rimmer’s farewell
"This is the Inquisitor.
He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the wretched, and deletes the worthless."
"Because, like all who
stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be ... yourself."
"We're in big trouble
R: Why did no-one mention
this before? If I had been told about this at the start, that the object
was to lead a worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All
those charity telethons when I used ring in and pledge donations -- if
I had known all this, I would have given them /my/ credit card number.
K: Sir, sir, you don't
have to be a great philanthropist or a missionary worker -- you simply
have to seize the gift of life...
R: Oh god.
K: ...make a contribution...
R: Oh god.
K: ...no matter how
R: Oh god.
K: You simply have
to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self serving.
R: You're doing this
on purpose, aren't you!
K: I'm just trying
to make you feel better, sir.
R: Well, shut up,
L: "I can't think straight.
I've got a tarantula with an eye the size of a meatball setting up home
in my joy department. Help me."
C: "I'm scared "
L: "YOU'RE scared?
How d'you think I feel? "
C: "You haven't SEEN
L: "The lower half
of my body has gone numb."
C: "That's probably
for the best. "
- Lister thinks a
tarantula’s crawled up his trousers
"OK. I say get into the
jet-powered rocket pants and junior-birdman the hell out of here."
"An excellent and
inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: A) We don't have
any jet-powered rocket pants; and B) There's no such thing as jet-powered
rocket pants outside the fictional serial Robbie Rocket Pants."
"Well that's put a
crimp an otherwise damn fine plan."
My short term memory has
been erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
Starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils,
my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the
erasure of my short-term memory, has has left me a little disoriented,
There's an old android
saying which I feel is particularly relevant to this situation. It goes:
'00101010110100101101001111001010101001011011000101010' which, roughly
translated, means 'Don't stand around jabbering when your life is in dang...hey,
wait for me, you guys!
Oops. You're right. He
really isn't dead. I owe you twenty.
Kryten : "...do not
blow you nose."
Lister : "Do you mind
if I ask, Why?"
Kryten : "Well, lets
forgoe the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get to the really
gross part where always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have
to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean why?
What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps, the face
of the Madonna, an undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?"
- Being in quarantine gets to the crew
L: No one's got any
virus, and no one's smegging nuts!
R: Well that's good...
Is something the amiss?
L: Amiss? God no,
what could possibly be amiss?
R: You don't think
there's anything amiss? I'm sat here wearing a red and white gingham dress,
and army boots, you think that's un-amiss?
C: No, course not,
it's just we thought you'd gone nuts. We were trying to humour you.
R: I was doing a little
test, a little test to see if you had gone crazy. if there's one thing
I can't stand, it's crazy people.
L: Well we've passed
the test Rimmer, you can let us out.
R: I can't let you
L: Why not?
R: Because the King
of the potato people won't let me. I've begged him, I've got down on my
knees and wept. He wants to keep you here, keep you here for 10 years.
C: Can we see him?
R: See who?
C: The King.
R: Do you have a magic
L: Yeah, a little
R: So let me get this
straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the potato
people? And plead with him for your freedom? And you're telling me you're
- An insane Rimmer quarantines the rest of the crew
"Schopenhauer was right,
wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I am here
to give your lives... meaning."
- Dr. Langstrom
"Why do we never meet
"Why is it we never
meet anyone who can shoot straight?"
- Lister & Cat
DEMONS & ANGELS
BACK TO REALITY
"Don't fish swim south
for the winter?"
"Jake Bullet: Cybernautic
Detective." I like that! That sounds like the kind of hard-living flatfoot
who gets the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if
those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their
overpaid fat asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal
like pigs on a honeymoon!"
"No, that's birds,
"Birds swim south
for the winter? How do they breathe?"
"On the other hand
`Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division is in charge of traffic
control, and you just happen to have a rather silly macho name."
- Kryten discusses
his ‘real’ name with Rimmer
"I drink? and I smoke?
and I have cold curried sauce for breakfast? I sound like some barely human
grossed out slime ball. "
"Oh, it's all flooding
back is it sir? "
"What, I play the
"Do I have a head
shaped like an amusing ice cube? Does my head look like a genetically engineered
"Is there something
good you can tell me about myself? something laudable? "
"Laudable, em. You
sometimes help me with my laundry duties by turning your underpants inside-out
and extending the wear time by three weeks.
"I'm an animal. I'm
a tasteless, uncouth, mindless, tone deaf, randy, blokish, semi-literate
"Oh! Welcome back
Mr Lister sir."
- Kryten fills in
an amnesiac Lister
"Question which occurs,
if this ocean is supposed to be teaming with new lifeforms, where are they
"What are you implying
"No implication intended
"Yes there is! You're
saying there's some huge damn fish out there aren't you? Some kind of gigantic
weird prehistoric Leviathon who's porked his way through this entire ocean!
"That is one option."
"None that occur."
"These are our higher
selves, they are the people we could have become if all the negative aspects
of our characters were removed. "
"You mean hippies?
"With respect sir,
do you think Jesus was a hippy? "
"Well he was! He had
long hair, he didn't have a job, what more do you want?"
"Human remains. Wait,
angle up five degrees, across ten degrees. There, some kind of writing
on the floor, P-S-I-R-E-N-S, Psirens. "
"The poor devil must
have scrawled it in his death throes, using a combination of his own blood,
and even his own intestines. "
"Who would do that?
"Someone who badly
needed a pen. "
"What I don't understand,
is why he went to the trouble of using his Kidney as a full stop. "
"I don't think he
meant to do that, it probably just plopped out."
- Lister, Kryten,
Cat & Rimmer
"Say you're wrong?"
"Sir, I'll stake my
reputation on it."
"Kryten, you haven't
got a reputation."
"No, but I'm hoping
to acquire one from this escapade."
"Any damage? "
"Not too bad, a couple
of sensors are out, the fuel intake chambers are both flooded, and the
left pilot seat doesn't go up and down anymore. "
"We came through that
"Starbug was made
to last sir, this old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81. "
"It's what it's made
of. Back in the 22nd Century aerospace engineers discovered that after
a plane crash, the only thing that always survives intact is a cute little
doll, so they made Starbug out of the same stuff. "
"Is that a fact? "
"Cat, you're so gullible.
"How long has it been
since you made love to a woman?"
"I admit it's been
"It's been over three
million years, Dave."
"I prefer to count
it in Ice Ages: then it's just four. And if you count it in _leap_ Ice
Ages, it's hardly even one."
"That's a long time,
Dave, for a man of your drives."
"That's a long time
for a Albanian shepherd who's allergic to wool."
- Lister & a stunning
"A couple of Psirens wiped
each other out fighting over my brains ... Oh, no. It's the TV weather
girl from channel 27."
"Sir. Fight it! Don't
look at her."
"It's not that easy,
Kryten -- you can't see what she's doing with her pointy stick."
(Rimmer and Kryten are
holding Lister & a Psiren, who looks exactly like Lister…)
"Play the Guitar.
"What here? inside?
"Play it! "
(Psiren Lister plays
the Guitar- Cat and Kryten shoot the Psiren Lister)
did you know that wasn't me? "
Cat: "Cos that dude
could play! "
Lister: "He's no better
than me. "
Kryten: "That's the
way you believe you can play sir. That's why, when the Psiren read your
mind, he shared your delusion, that you are not a ten-thumbed, tone-deaf,
talentless noise polluter. "
Lister: "You're seriously
saying you think he was better than me?
( Real_Lister plays
the Guitar) So, what's the difference? "
Cat: "Little survival
tip bud, never play your Guitar in front of a man with a loaded gun."
"Ten o'clock change-over
anything to report? "
"How are we fuel wise?
"We're still lagging
behind Red Dwarf sir, almost 24 hours behind now, other than that, it's
been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours
ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow, thankfully
it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on
the radar screen."
"Unchanged for today
sir, however the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled
the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch Lager. "
"We're OK for food
aren't we? "
no. We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worst still, the only
liquorice all-sorts left are those only little black twisty ones that everybody
hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of
the corn supply. "
"So what's under the
"There is a cyberpark
in the complex. You may go to any time- period of your choosing, and indulge
any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire."
"And that's in some
way supposed to make me happy? (pause) S- sorry, run that by me one more
When I finally get round
to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accomodation
- excellent. Food - first class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate.
Psycho rating's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe.
KRYTEN (Shifting his grip
on the vase.) You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconscious using
the Ionian Nerve Grip.
RIMMER tenses up,
closes his eyes and grits his teeth. KRYTEN pinches him on the shoulder...
then smashes him over the head with the vase.
RIMMER: That's not
an Ionian Nerve Grip! That's smashing me over the head with a vase!
KRYTEN: There's no
such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you!
GUNMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
"It's too small for
a vessel, maybe some kind of missile. "
"It's impossible to
tell at this range, whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way
in advance of our own. "
"So do the Albanian
state washing machine company."
- Rimmer, Kryten &
"Step up to red alert.
"Sir, are you absolutely
sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
Open communications channels
Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages,
R: You took your time,
where've you been?
L: I was in the AR
L: What do you mean,
R: Everybody knows
you only use the AR machine to have sex.
L: That is not true!
R: Yes true, it's
pathetic watching you grind away day after day, like a dog who's missing
his master's leg. That groinal attachment's supposed to have a lifetime
guarantee, you've worn it out in nearly 3 weeks.
L: That's an outrageous,
scandalous piece of liable. I don't just play the role playing games! What
about the sporting simulations, like zero gee Kick Boxing, and Wimbledon.
R: You only play Wimbledon,
'cos you're having it off with that jail bait ball girl.
L: There's another
total lie! She's not jail bait, she's sixteen!
R: Lister, she's a
computer sprite, and surely that's the point, she's just a load of pixels!
L: Yeah, what pixels!
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying, the mouse
never wins. Not unless you believe those lying cartoons. We don't run,
we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing
they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice skating mongooses and to
dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much sense."
"Would it harm you
to have hair like mine?"
"I have got hair like
yours. Just not on my head."
"Well, I'm no stranger
to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain why it is that every
major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest hair
"Oh, surely not sir.
"Think about it, why
did the US Cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides verses
girlie Hippy locks. "
"The Cavaliers and
the Roundheads? One-nil to the Pudding basins "
"Vietnam, crew cuts
both sides, no score draw."
(Shakes head despairingly.)
"Oh, for a really world class psychiatrist."
- Rimmer discusses
his view of history with Kryten
K: It's charging us with
looting Space Corp derelicts.
L: But we don't loot
Space Corp derelicts? We just hack our way in, and swipe what we need!
R: Lister, if this
goes to trial I demand separate lawyers.
It's taken my bitterness,
and the cat's cool. He's in a hell of a shape, he's looking so geeky, I
don't think he can even get into a Science Fiction convention and Mr. Rimmer
"I suggest I take
the rap for everyone sir, you can say that I held you hostage, and forced
you at gun point to do my evil bidding. "
"For god sake Kryten,
we can't let you do that! "
"Dream on metal trash.
Get your hands in the air, and step into that search light."
- The Emohawk sucks
away the crew’s dominant emotion
Sir, this can't go on.
The Cat's looking geekier than a science fiction convention,
"That's it. I'm invoking
space corps directive 6_8_2_5_0."
" 6_8_2_5_0? But sir,
surely that's impossible without at least one live chicken and a rabbi."
"Forget it. Forget
I was ever born."
"But sir, I'm very
happy to perform the ceremony, but I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing
poultry will clear up the screen problem."
"Kryten, the Eastbourne
zimmer-frame relay team can easily outrun us. It's not about speed, it's
about wit, brains and cunning."
"Hmm, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to that, sir."
- Lister & Kryten,
"Yes sir, he says in exchange
for the oxygeneration unit he want *you* to be his daughter's mate."
"*That's* his daughter?"
"One of three. Apparently
sir *she's* the looker."
"Tell him, not if
she was the last water yeti lookalike in the world and I was the only boy."
"Oh, come on, Lister,
you've dated worse."
"Only due to very
poor disco lighting."
"There's an old Cat
saying: ‘ If you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.’ "
"Lister, we'd be fools
not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head
shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from
a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"There's an old human
saying: ‘ If you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.’ "
"At least let me and
Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life
forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg
would you know, bog-bot from hell?"
"The Greeks have been
camped outside of Troy, kapowin', zappin' and kersplattin' the Trojans
for the best part of a decade, yeah. Then they wake up one mornin' and
the Greeks have gone. And there outside the city walls they've left this
gift, this tribute to their valiant foes, a huge wooden horse.
Just large enough
to happily contain five hundred Greeks in full battle dress, and still
have adequate room for toilet facilities! Are you telling me not one Trojan
goes, 'Hang on a minute, that's a bit of a funny pressie. What's wrong
with a couple of hundred pairs of socks and some aftershave? No, they don't,
they just wheel it in, and all decide to go for an early night. People
that stupid deserve to be kapowed, zapped and kersplatted in their beds!
And do you know what
the funny thing is? From this particular phase in history derived the phrase
- Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. When it'd be much more logical to derive
the phrase - Beware of Trojans, they're complete SMEGHEADS! "
- Lister discusses
one of the famous moments of literature...
R: That's it, I'm invoking
Space Corp Directive 39436175880932/B.
All nations attending the conference are only allocated one parking space.
Is that entirely relevant sir. I mean here we are, in mortal danger and
you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
R: Can't you let just
one go, I was talking about the right of P-O-W's to non-violent constraint.
K: But that's 75880932/C,
It is our primary overriding
duty to contact other life forms, exchange information, and, wherever possible,
bring them home
By joining Space Corps,
each individual tacitly consents to give up his inalienable rights to life,
liberty, and adequate toilet facilities.
Crew members are expressly
forbidden from leaving their vessel except on production of a permit. Permits
can only be issued by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden
from issuing them except on production of a permit.
Any officer found to
have been slaughtered and replaced by a shape-changing chameleonic life
form shall forfeit all pension rights.
In an emergency situation
involving two or more officers of equal rank, seniority will be granted
to whichever officer can program a VCR.
Terraformers are expressly
forbidden from recreating Swindon.
Work done by an officer's
doppelganger in a parallel universe cannot be claimed as overtime.
During temporal disturbances,
no questions shall be raised about any crewmember whose timesheet shows
him or her clocking off 187 years before he clocked on.
No officer above the
rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go into combat with pierced nipples
To preserve morale
during long-haul missions, all male officers above the rank of First Technician
must, during panto season, be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false
The log must be kept
up to date at all times with current service records, complete mission
data, and a comprehensive and accurate list of all crew birthdays so that
senior officers may avoid bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting
in the corridor with subordinates who have not received a card.
No officer with false
teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity
Any officer caught
sniffing the saddle of the exercise bicycle in the women's gym will be
discharged without trial.
It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more
Let me fly, far away
Fun fun fun , in the
sun sun sun
I want to lie, shipwrecked
Drinking fresh mango
Goldfish shoals nibbling
at my toes
Fun fun fun in the
sun sun sun
Q: "Are there aliens
in Red Dwarf?"
A: "No. One of the
premises of the show is that life never evolved anywhere in the universe
except on Earth. All of the creatures encountered by Red Dwarf's crew -
GELFs, simulants, space weevils, polymorphs, you name it - are descended
from life forms that originated on Earth."
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