Helping people is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self-interest.

- A Fishism "I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law. The law sucks. It's boring. But it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody, cost him everything he's worked for, make his wife leave him, even cause his kids to cry? We can do that."

"Georgia, give me your shoe. Why would a grown person wear these? They are hugely uncomfortable, make it easier to fall, cause back problems, but, hey -- call it fashion. What kind of person would spend an equivalent of two years painting her face and plucking out her eyebrows, and putting silicone or saline in her chest? There is a name for this kind of person, 'woman'. Why? Because, we 'men' like it. Don't talk to me about equality. Don't tell me you aren't disabled."

"Unisex studies show it helps men and women employees breed familiarity, so long as they don't come in to just breed." - Richard, on the unisex toilets

"Having a child is a selfish thing. Couples don't walk around wanting to give life. They say, we want a child. We want, we want. It is a selfish thing, a good selfish. Selfish." - Richard, to Georgia

"Personally, I hate sexual harassment laws. The original force behind them were disgruntled lesbians who felt they were not given the same opportunities. Along with ugly women, who are jealous of pretty women who got all the breaks in the work force. My cause to action is simple, women are victims. They need special help. Look, at the evolution of these sexual harassment laws. What we are really saying is women really should qualify under the Federal Disablity Act. They are less able. They cannot cope with romance in the office. They cannot contend with having to do a job and have a man smile at them. It is too much. Look where we use to be, first quid pro quo, then hostile enviorment, and now Sienfeld episodes. Women can't take it they bruise too easily. The laws are here to protect the weak and most vulernable in society. She is woman, protect her!"

- Richard Fish, "The Playing Field" "We just love to live in a politically correct world, that is so involved. Where did we pass a law against common sense? This is a french bistro. When people go there, they go not just to eat but to dine. The ambiance of culture they want to feel elite and sophiscated. A good gay waiter can do that. They have that snobbish little entitlement thing going. People like that."
"Gays are elitist snobs?"
"The waiter kind are. First they are smarter. They grow up reading more books, probably trying to figure out the answer as to why they are homosexual. Plus, they are terrible at sports which gives them more time to study. They are smart, they want to work in the arts. They end up as waiters, way over qualified, bitter, snobby. People have com e to expect this when ordering a fruity wine." - Richard Fish & Judge, "The Inmates" "Problem is just a bleak word for challenge."

"Love is an equation, a me and a you derives a we."

"Never trust a second thought. Where there is two there is three. You will end up thinking forever."

"Personal questions don't bother me. I just lie."

"How do these things just spew out of your head like this? Couldn't you at least use your brain as a filter?"
"That remark would hurt if I had feelings."

- Ally and Richard "I appologize for Mr. Thomas's hostility. In as much as I constantly stress the need for civility, he continues to have these reactions to witch hunts, particularly when they are so blatant."

"I hate to pull ranks, but this is the kind of case where having female litigants is a plus, we owe it to Ling to extend our best efforts, not to mention this is a client with whom I'm still trying to reach sexual fruition, for once I'll ask you to think about someone other than yourselves, can you do that?"


It’s not easy to meet women. Sure I can walk into a bar and buy a lady a drink and under the pretext of a perhaps budding relationship seduce her into satisfying my sexual needs, but that goes against my grain to deceive another person no matter what the personal gratification. So I thought it more honest to solicit a prostitute.

- John, in court, "Compromising Positions" "Ally, when I was in high school, I picked up a nickname which follows me to this day. You know what they called me?
"Um, no."
"The little biscuit."
"They used to call me 'the popsicle'." - John & Ally, "Compromising Positions" "Who wants to be balanced? Balance is overrated!" - Ally, "One Hundred Tears Away" "I kept believing in Santa till I was 12 years old. I just wouldnt give it up."
"And what made you stop?"
"My mother. She told me he fondled the elves. Some therapist told her step one was to undermine my admiration for him. Next year she told me that he died. Of a heart attack. Cholesterol. I blamed myself for tempting that poor fat man with cookies and buttermilk. The thought of him struggling down that narrrow chimney..."
"And you call me odd?" - John & Ally, "Silver Bells" "You think we're all from Mars here don't you?"
"I never said which planet." - Ally & John Donnell, "The Inmates" "Imagine thinking when you go, it will have mattered that you lived. And then consider the alternative." - Bernie Gilson, "Being There" I mean with all due respect, you sort of walk around with uppity breasts...and the hair flips aren't the most subtle...and your perfume! You could be flammable! Now what if somebody shut you down as a safety hazard. How would you feel then?"
"That was with all due respect?" - Ally to Elaine "Why am I telling you this?"
"Because you can. Remember, when you are with me its the one time you aren't the strangest person in the room." - John & Ally "The truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content, 'cause then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it." - Ally

"There's just so many ways he wasn't you... right! Wasn't right." - Ally to Billy

"Sometimes I'm tempted to become a street person, cut off from society. But then I wouldn't get to wear my outfits." - Ally

"I have a great imaginary world, but sometimes I just need things to happen." - Ally

"I live my life as one big Christmas Eve, and it makes me happy, happy, happy!" - Ally


"It can't last forever, of course not. But who made up the rule that the best loves do?"

- Tracy, "The Real World" "Lonely people... they always have a look, a look that it could change any second, maybe with the next person that enters the room. Lonely people have hope, she didn't seem to. She was just sad, like she knew too much. Some people find love, permanent; some are just meant to be alone. She knew what she was." - Jason, "The Real World" "She's good, John -- this woman reminds me of me. Should we hire her?"
"It's hard for me to be objective, I'm drawn to her."
"You have no chance, does that help?" - Richard and John, on Nelle, "The Real World" "Just so we're clear -- we hate her, right?" - Elaine, on Nelle, "The Real World" "I hear that when she shakes hands, she won't stick hers out very far 'cause she wants to other person to meet her more than halfway." - Elaine, on Nelle, "The Real World" "I have certain rules about dating men I work with... but I make them up as I go along." - Nelle, "They Eat Horses Dont They" "I'm afraid if I tell you, I would win back the reputation as strangest one in the room." - John, to Ally, "They Eat Horses, Dont They?" "Men are always trying to mentally undress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all." - Ally, on her short skirts, "They Eat Horses, Dont They?" "The naked woman is here, she's disguised in clothes." - Ling, on Whipper, "Happy Trails" "Nelle, remember how you hate people talking about you behind your back?" "Yes."
"I can't do that when you are in the room." - Richard & Nelle, "Making Spirits Bright" "You've got to remember John. You're not who you are, you're only what other people think of you. Fishism." - Richard, "Making Spirits Bright" "Women, the period once a month, thats good for 3 days sub-performance. PMS, tack on another day. Add the 3.2 more hrs per month women spend in the bathroom doing either makeup, hair, who knows. And the single ones, forget it! All they want is to meet a man. Actually, Ally, maybe we should introduce you as an exhibit." - Richard, "Let's Dance" "John, If we want to connect with her on a cracker level, you get the assignment. But for common sense, I'm the one who should go. I'd send Billy but he might kiss her."
"Bygones." - Richard & Billy, "Know Him By Heart" "She's my hero! She's vicious, I disagree with almost everything she says, she treats me like dirt and somehow she's my hero."

        - Ally, after Ling's speech, "Just Looking"

"She makes eyes at me. She's either drawn to me, or I puzzle her. Could be both."

        - John, about Nelle

"You said Ling hard L, hard G. It's Ling soft L, soft G."

        - Ling advises on pronunciation of her name

"Doesn't anything nice come out of your mouth?"

        - Georgia, to Ling

"He's afraid."
"He's interested."
"Men are supposed to pounce when they're interested."
"Hel-lo! They pounce on the wrong girls. When it's the right girl, they turn into bumbling little chickens."

- Dr. Tracy and Ally That kind of frank dialogue troubles me. - John By not going down the road, it remains the road ahead which excites me. It even brings me joy. - John to Nelle JUST LOOKING

In this episode Ling, as owner of a mud-wrestling club, is being sued by MOPE (Mothers Opposed to Pornographic Entertainment), who are trying to shut the club down. Nelle is defence attorney:

Ling: The idea that it degrades women is ridiculous. Every woman wants to be thought of as desirable. Imagine, they can go home at night and say "Even in mud, I look good!"
Nelle: You have to admit this activity does objectify them?
Ling: So?
Nelle: Ling, how can it not be a little degrading, women stranding around in bathing suits ? Guys whooping?
Ling: First, the women there make nearly a hundred thousand dollars a year. How? These drunken Neanderthals hurl money at them. Go into that club. You come out with a lower opinion of men, trust me.
Nelle: That could be true, but these girls do make that money with their bodies.
Ling: They make it, by teasing men with something they'll never get their hands on. That goes to the very essence of a woman.
Nelle: Excuse me?
Ling:  Sex is a weapon. We all use it, we tease, we tantalize, we withhold it, something we do in almost every walk of life, be it marriage, business... God gave us that advantage by giving men the dumb stick.
Attorney: So as a woman you see nothing wrong with putting out naked girls in a ring, rubbing mud on their breasts for the sole purpose of titillating men?
Ling: No!
Attorney: Nothing at all ?
Ling: Suppose we put them in a ring as boxers, and cheer for one to knock the other unconscious, would that be better?
Attorney: You're comparing boxing to mud-wrestling ?
Ling: Of course not. Boxing is worse, talk about reducing people, let's pay two men to beat on each other, how rich!
Attorney: Have you ever met any women in your club ?
Ling: Why should I?
Attorney: Never bothered to check out their backgrounds, find out why it is their living is based on sexual desires?
Ling: It would be hypocritical for me to ask, it would suggest I care.
Attorney: Maybe a few of them feel like they have little choice. Perhaps for some it represents their only choice.
Ling: Well, then how lucky they are to have you to take that choice away! With feminists like you, who needs chauvinism?

Richard: Once a man hits puberty, he gets the sense he'll forever be part idiot It's debilitating, it hurts. These strip clubs, you go, you look around, you see the women, and then you see all the men, and you realize you're not alone. The room is full of idiots! It makes us feel better.
Judge: And that's important?
Richard: To be honest, yes. It's liberating. You grow up hiding in your closet with a flashlight, a copy of Playboy, trying not to get the pages sticky. You wonder if you're some kind of deviant. Fear of being a pervert, it can drive you to be isolated, perhaps anti social, you don't fit in, you go to work at the post office, you just don't belong, you're different, the insecurity festers into neurosis, all the while, you're normal and you don't know it ! You go to this club, you see normal. These places aren't just sex shops, they stand to preserve our mental health!

This external site hosts a full transcript of the episode.


"We have been together from practically the first day we met. She soon established I'd not seen a single episode of 'Ally McBeal'."
        - Harrison Ford, talking about his then girlfriend Calista Flockhart

Calista Flockhart has big-time theater credentials and has been in a handful of movies -- she was the bride-to-be in "The Birdcage" -- but TV is different. She's in millions of homes every week. If Flockhart can plead ignorance about the stares, she can't ignore the weirder side effects of TV stardom. Mainly there's the perception that Ally is real, or at least a symbolic spear carrier for all of young womanhood. Movies rarely carry this strange burden, but TV does. So Ally McBeal is admired, but also examined for missteps as she wends her way through modern love and office labor. And the character, to the credit of Flockhart and series creator David E. Kelley, is spectacularly erratic under pressure. Wonder Woman she isn't... Nor if Flockhart can help it, will Ally be stuck with the onerous label of Role Model. Thing is, Flockhart really can't help it.
        - John Carman, interviewing Calista Flockhart for "The San Francisco Chronicle"


"Oh my god! We don't know whether he's guilty or innocent. I hate that."
        - Denny Crane (William Shatner) after his client is acquitted, "Boston Legal"

"You wanna run that by me again?"
"We have a group of complaining parents. They’re suing their elementary school over
the Halloween pageant. In particular? They don’t like the witch. There are two groups of parents who
are upset? One is Christian; the other group is uh… well…"
"Did you say witches?"
"I said witches."
"Which group does the firm represent?"
"Well, actually, both."
        - Shirley Schmidt and Denise Bauer, "Boston Legal"

"I believe in evolution. Who here today, after watching the presidential debates, could deny that we evolved from monkeys?"
        - Shirley Schmidt, "Boston Legal"

"You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that, by and large, vegetarians are communists?"
"I certainly would not."
"We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat." Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?"
        - Denny and Mayor Bostwick, "Boston Legal"

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Same team. Same team!"
        - Denny, fending off a joking pass from Alan, "Boston Legal"

"It's no use. Nothing interests me anymore—"
"Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in
his home to catch burglars.... leaving  us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?"
"That case! I want that case."
        - Denny, getting his mojo back watching the local news, "Boston Legal"

"May I ask what we're pleading. It seems self-defense—"
"Don't like that kind of thinking. Defense of self. You gotta strike first. Prempt 'em. What they say in the news? Victim or vigilante? It's neither. This is Russell Blayney, hero!"
"You wanna try this case in the press?"
"Exactly. We gotta grab the public's... attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website — one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera."
        - Denise and Denny, "Boston Legal"

"I took the initiative and created a brand. Russell Blayney: American Homeowner."
        - Denny brings in a PR expert, "Boston Legal"

"There are no facts anymore. Only good and bad fiction."
        - Denny, "Boston Legal"

"I realized the truth about myself. I just love power."
"Well it seems to have a thing for you aswell."
        - Denny and Alan, "Boston Legal"

"Anybody who truly loves this country Denny, has to at least try to understand the awful truth over there."
"One of the reasons it’s happening over there is so it won’t happen here."
        - Alan Shore and Denny Crane, discussing the Iraq war, "Boston Legal"

"Most of the Democrats voted for this war. John Kerry voted for it. Hilary Clinton voted for it. And now suddenly it becomes unpopular, say what you will about Republicans, we stick to our convictions even
when we know we’re dead wrong."
"Some might say especially then."
        - Denny Crane and Alan Shore, "Boston Legal"

"Massachusetts is a Blue State. God has no place here!"
        - Denny Crane, "Boston Legal"

"Don't fall for her Alan. She's just a guest star."
        - Melissa to Alan about Chelina

"There's no way we're gonna win this, is there?"
"Legally, yes there is. As for accomplishing your goals? No."
        - Shriley and Alan, "Boston Legal", trying to suppress some compromising photos

"Do you know I even have memories of her that aren't sexual?"
        - Denny, recalling a lost love, "Boston Legal"

"What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years."
"Denny, she's asleep in all of these."
"Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?"
        - Denny and Alan, "Boston Legal"

"Oh please, if there were new guys, they would have shown up in the season premiere."
        - Denny to Jeffrey and Claire on "Boston Legal"

"If they’re regular viewers, they know by now, anything goes."
        - Alan to Denny on "Boston Legal"

"I once captained my own spaceship."
        - Denny Crane (William Shatner) to a media mob on "Boston Legal"

"I watched ‘Boston Legal’ nine times before I realized it wasn’t a new ‘Star Trek.’"
        - Tracy to Liz on "30 Rock"

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