BUFFY VS DRACULA
Xander: Nice. Look
who's got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.
Dracula: I have no interest in you. Leave us.
Xander: No, we're not going to (imitates Dracula's accent) leave you. And where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three - three victims. Mwah, ha, ha, ha!
Buffy: Xander, I'm pretty sure that's Dracula.
Xander: Wow, really? Hey, sorry, man, I was... just jokin' around
Xander: Yes, Master. No, that's not...
Dracula: You will be emissary. My eyes and ears in daylight.
Xander: Your emissary.
Dracula: Serve me well. You will be rewarded. I will make you an immortal. A child of darkness that feeds on life itself... on blood.
Xander: Blood? Yes, yes! I will serve you, your Excellent Spookiness. Or Master. I'll just stick with Master.
Dracula: You are strange and off-putting. Go now.
Spike: Well, well, you can take the boy out of the Initiative, but you can't take the initiative out of the boy.
Willow: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids. Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master. (They look at him) Bator.
Xander: See?! Buffy didn't feel it. I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince! (They look at him) Bator.
Xander: I'm supposed
to deliver you to the Master now. There's this whole deal where I get to
be immortal. You cool with that?
Buffy: Take me to him.
Xander: Master, I deliver the Slayer. She who you most desire. Sorry, whom.
Giles: Oh, good show Giles. At least you didn't get knocked out for a change.
Xander: Where is he?
Where's the creep that turned me into a spider eating man bitch?
Buffy: He's gone.
Xander: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!
Buffy: Check. No more butt monkey.
Buffy: (to Dawn) What
are you doing here?
Joyce: Buffy? If you're going out, why don't you take your sister?
Buffy and Dawn: Mom!
THE REAL ME
Dawn's Journal: Nobody knows who I am... not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No - underline, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point. No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer.
Dawn's Journal: People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks, just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff. Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world. Plus, Mom lets her get away with everything, "Your sister's saving the world." I could so save the world if someone handed me superpowers, but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even. If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does, and then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed because, like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from splinters.
Buffy: Plans? We planned
Riley: Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang." And then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy, but still a plan.
Dawn (voice-over): I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think its 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I've heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.
Giles: Just not used
to automatic transmission. I loathe this just sitting here, not contributing.
No, no, no, it's just not working out.
Buffy: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Giles: Well, it did seduce me. All red and sporty.
Buffy: Little two-door tramp.
Anya: Crap! Look at
this. Now I'm burdened with a husband, and several tiny pink children,
more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh, I'm so pleased! Can I trade in the children for more cash?
I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Suave Xander: Right, there comes a point where you have to either move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.
Lame Xander: On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real firetrucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me!
Lame Xander: But I
never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all help to save you.
Lame Xander: Wait till you have have an evil twin and see how you handle it! Willow: I handled it just fine.
Riley: Psychologically this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? (gang looks at him) Just me then.
Anya: So... um, you
Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... physical
Suave Xander: We're completely identical.
Lame Xander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over... Fingerprints!
Anya: Well, maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together, and, you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Giles: We just need
to arrange the candles. Also, we should pretend we heard none of the disturbing
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire goin' crazy if I'm not touching her, the other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content, just knows: this is the one. But she doesn't love me.
OUT OF MY MIND
Buffy: You're like my fairy godmother, and Santa Claus, and Q all wrapped up into one. Q from Bond, not Star Trek.
Graham: It's a good
thing Buffy found you when she did, because you were about to detonate
big time. Always said she's pretty impressive.
Riley: You know, she really is.
Graham: But you know you don't belong here, right? This town. I mean, you're nothing here.
Riley: Hey. What are you saying? Graham: Come on, man. You know it's true. There's nothing for you here.
Riley: There's her. Graham: Okay, right. There's her. And? You used to have a mission. Now you're what: Mission's Boyfriend? Mission's True Love? You belong with us.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
Joyce (to Dawn and Buffy): So, neither of you's pregnant, failing, or under indictment? Just checking.
Giles : There's too
many of them. People. A-a-and they all... seem to want things.
Xander: I hear ya. Stay British - you'll be okay.
Anya (to customer who
just finished her purchase): Please go.
Xander: Anya, the Shopkeepers of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "Please go" just got replaced with "Have a nice day."
Anya: But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?
Xander: No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace.
Anya: We just helped
her (Buffy) move this stuff in two days ago (sees Buffy) and it was fun.
Giles: People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs. Buffy: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping.
Giles: Well I saw myself in more of a patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. You two (Xander and Riley are wrestling), stop that! Riley: He started it!
Xander: He called me a bad name. I think it was bad. It might have been Latin. Giles: Stop it or you're going to break something.
Buffy: It's family
night. And besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging
out with someone that... short.
Riley: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud.
Sandy: This place is
such a dive.
Riley: Oh no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes and plug up your nostrils. It's fine. Sandy: We could go somewhere else. Someplace more private.
Riley: Oh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, I don't go out with vampires. They're never interested in my intellect.
FOOL FOR LOVE
Dawn : Some nail polish
experiments are doomed before they even begin.
Joyce : But you keep pushing the envelope, honey.
Dawn : Did I just pull
a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on. Who's the man?
Buffy : You are. A very short, annoying man.
Girl : Have you heard?
They call him "William the Bloody" because of his bloody awful poetry.
Guy : It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!
Darla (to Drusilla) : I think our boys are going to fight.
Buffy : So, how'd you
Spike : Funny you should ask. Lesson the first - a Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I've already got mine.
Spike : Lesson the second - ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat them? Question isn't how'd I win. The question is, why'd they lose?
Spike : Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: Is today the day I die?
Spike : Sooner or later... you're gonna want it. And the second - the second that happens, you know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson.
Spike : Come on, I
can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance.
Buffy : Say it's true. Say I do want to... it wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me.
INTO THE WOODS
Anya : We have to see the chimp playing hockey. That's hilarious. The ice is so slippery, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this!
Spike : Let's be reasonable
Riley : You may have noticed, Spike... I left reasonable about three exits back.
Spike : The girl need some monster in her man. And that's not in your nature. No matter how low you try to go.
Riley : Do you actually
think you've got a shot with her?
Spike : No, I don't. Fellow's gotta do what he can, though. Got to try.
Riley : If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real.
Spike : I had this chip out of my head, I'd have killed you long ago. Ain't love grand?
Spike : Sometimes I
envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal.
To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone, even when you're
holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you, surrounding you... the
scent. No. You got the better deal.
Riley : I'm the lucky guy. Yeah, I'm the guy
Spike : Don't kill
Riley : Why the hell not?
Riley : When this thing
started, it was just some stupid, immature game. I wanted to even the score
after you let Dracula bite you...
Buffy : I did not let him-
Riley : I know. On some level I know that. But I was still spun, and, I don't know. I wanted to know what you felt, I wanted to know why Angel and Dracula had so much power over you.
Riley : They made me feel something. Something I didn't even know I was missing.
Buffy : Tell me about
your whores. Tell me what on earth they've been giving you that I can't.
Riley : They needed me, Buffy - on some basic level it was about me. My blood. My body. When they bit me, it was beyond passion... They wanted to devour me, all of me... It wasn't real. I know. It was just physical. But the fact that I craved it, that I kept going back. Even if it was fleeting - they made me feel like they had such hunger for me.
Buffy : And I don't? Make you feel that way?
Riley : I know exactly what they feel when they bite me - because I feel it every time we're together. It's like the whole world falls away - and all there is is you.
Riley : You keep me
at a distance Buffy. You didn't even call me when your mom went into the
Buffy : I'm sorry I couldn't take care of you when I thought my mom was dying.
Riley : It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in, so you don't have to be on top of everything all the time.
Buffy : What am I supposed
to do? Beg him to stay? ...I thought Riley was dependable.
Xander : Dependable? What is he, State Farm?
Buffy : You know what I mean.
Xander : Yeah, I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to and take off when you didn't.
Xander : You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy, when he's the one who comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you - he's risked it all - and you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums?
Xander (to Anya): I've gotta say something, because I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you — powerfully, painfully. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited everytime I'm about to see. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life, like a man.
Anya : Xander, if you
ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights
and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's
a whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one
to cut, but I guess the green one and then at the last second, no, the
red one, and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left, but
then you don't leave. Like that, okay?
Xander : Check. Big bomb clock.
Willow : We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara : Hellebore. One
of my favorites.
Willow : It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work, but I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something, rubbing her paws together.
Anya : She endangered
Willow : Of course, that's what she cares about. "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."
Anya : Xander, she's pretending to be me!
Willow : There's a
troll on the loose and you're gonna crash Giles' car!
Anya : It's likely. We're going very fast.
Xander : Sometimes
I'll say something about Anya, and Willow'll get this look. This what-the-hell-do-you-see-in-her?
Spike : I know that look. A lot of people never really got Dru, you know?
Xander : Well, she was insane.
Spike : I'm not sampling,
I'll have you know. Look at all these lovely, blood-covered people. I could,
but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. I knew you wouldn't like it.
Buffy : You want credit for not feeding off bleeding disaster victims?
Spike : Well, yeah.
Anya : I know what
broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you and your lips.
Willow : No, it was not! Well, yes, it was so.
Buffy : Where did you
Anya : The land of the trolls. He'll like it there - full of trolls.
Willow : It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like, like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.
Anya : It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday, or the crazy melty land, or, you know, the world without shrimp.
Tara : Well, what's
so bad about them coming here? Aren't they good guys? I mean, Watchers.
That's just like other Gileses, right?
Buffy : Yeah! They're scary and horrible.
Giles : Essentially,
their agenda is the same as ours. They want to save the world and kill
Anya : Kill the *current* demons, right? Current demons.
Anya : They don't sound very ex-demon compatible.
Tara : Are you sure they're English? I thought English people were, uh, gentler... than normal people.
Demon monk: All you
need is the key.
Glory : Yes, and I bet Mousey the Vampire Slayer has an idea where it is.
Jinx : She's short, symmetrical, hair on top. Buffy something?
Glory : Sweet, lumpy minion. You're the only one that understands. Probably because I haven't sucked your brain out yet.
I WAS MADE TO LOVE YOU
Xander (to Buffy) : You ever think maybe the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is because it's a Hellmouth?
Tara : Willow's good
with all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand
Anya : Oh, well at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, "Whoa, I'm 1100 years old." I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans. Tara : I go on-line sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad. It's depressing.
Anya : I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
Willow : A good deed.
Anya : Yes. I'm expecting a big karmic reward any second now.
Ben : Well, actually, these are orthopedic pants... Man, that sounded so funny in my head.
Anya (about April) : She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Spike (to Buffy) : Trolling for your next ex?
Spike : Bloody hell.
You threw me through a window! What's that about?
April : You cannot make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
Spike : You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren.
Tara : At least she
didn't do too much damage.
Xander : Are you kidding? Double-glazed glass ain't cheap. And the jamb needs to be completely repaired. Oh, dear god, I'm the grown-up who sees the world through my job. I'm like my Uncle Dave the plumber, and I must be shunned.
Willow : I'm not sure this is a code red. Hey, is there a code pink? We need more codes.
Giles (about Dawn) : Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
Xander : She's a sexbot. I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything. [pause] Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it.
Giles (to Spike) : We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy.
Dawn : Um, guys --
hello, puberty? Sort of figured out the whole no-Santa thing.
Anya : That's a myth.
Dawn : Yeah.
Anya : No, I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
Xander : The advantage of having a 1000-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Tara : There's a Santa Claus?
Anya : Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.
Dawn : All true?
Anya : Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...
Willow : The reindeer part was nice.
Anya : I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's... there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And Xander's crying and not talking. And I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch, ever. And she'll never have eggs or yawn or brush her hair. Not ever. And no one will explain to me why.
Readouts from BuffyBot
Xander = Friend. Carpenter. Dates Anya.
Anya = Dates Xander. Likes money. Ex-Demon
Willow: Best Friend. Gay (1999-Present). Witch. Good with Computers.
BuffyBot: I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking! You're my friend. And a carpenter!
BuffyBot: Hello Anya,
how is your money?
Anya: Very well, and thank you for asking.
Tara: Everyone? Before
we jump all over her - People do strange things when someone they love
dies. When I lost my mother I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to
my family and staying out all night.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: Oh... well, Tara's right. Grief can be powerful... and we shouldn't judge...
Tara: What, are you kidding? She's nuts!
Spike : She's upset
about her mum. And if she turns to me for comfort, well I'm not going to
deny her. I'm not a monster.
Xander : Yes, you are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.
Spike : Well, yeah. You got me there.
BuffyBot: Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up, and he's bloody stupid.
Xander : The guys who work for Glory, you said they're kinda like hobbits with leprosy? Well this was a whole flock of hobbits.
Anya : We're just kind
of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
Buffy : The who whatting how with huh?
Anya: Ok, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
Buffy : I'm not having sex with Spike!
Anya: <nods> Anger.
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