BARGAINING

Giles : You might have let me in on your plan while he throttled me.
Spike : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?

Willow : Buffy-Bot is about to face her most dangerous challenge ever. (Parent-Teacher day)

Xander : Okay, when *I'm* marveling at the immaturity, be scared.

Anya : I was being patient, but it took too long.

Xander : Excuse me? Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya : You did.
Tara : You said Willow should be boss.
Anya : And then you said "let's vote," and it was unanimous.
Tara : And then you made her this little plaque that said "Boss of Us" and you put little sparkles on it...
Xander : Valid points all.

Anya : You want to look at the money? I find it always calms me.

Anya : Less talk, more running away.

Xander : This place is NORAD when we're at DefCon1. ...Okay, I *so* need male friends.

Buffy : Is this hell?

AFTER LIFE

Buffy : How long was I gone?
Spike : 147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today. Except today doesn't count, does it?

Willow : Glad, but kind of weirded out. Which I get, you know. Lot's of "Dear lords," and I think I actually heard him clean his glasses.

Anya : I found one of those 24-hour places for coffee. Remember that bookstore? Well, they became one of those books and coffee places, and now they're just coffee. It's like evolution, only without the "getting better" part.

Tara : I like sunrise better when I'm getting up early than when I'm staying up late, you know? It's like I'm seeing it from the wrong side.

Dawn : Xander, drive faster.
Xander : I can't.
Dawn : I could drive faster and I can't drive.
Anya : She's right. You're like a snail. A snail who's driving a car very slowly.

Buffy : You know what they say -- those of us who fail history... doomed to repeat it in summer school.

Dawn : Are you okay?
Buffy : I'm going to start charging money for every person that asks me that.

Spike : Well, I haven't been to a hell-dimension just of late, but I know a thing or two about torment.
Buffy : I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form, but I was still me, you know? And I was warm, and I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I don't understand theology and dimensions... or any of it, really. But I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there, pulled out by my friends. Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment and the one after that. Knowing what I've lost... They can never know.
Never.

FLOODED

Xander : "And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito The Amazing,  - Plumber Extraordinaire!"
Tara : "How's it looking down there?"
Xander : "Like we should start gathering up two of every animal."

Buffy : "It's not like it's the end of the world. ...Which is too bad, because *that* I'm really good at."

Anya : "God, I hate this! This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do, and I'm closer to it."

Giles : "I keep a flat in Bath. I met with a few old friends. Almost made a new one, which I think is statistically impossible for a man of my age."
Buffy : "And now you're back."
Giles : "Yes."
Buffy : "Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it, or just really British?"

LIFE SERIAL

Willow : "You're not dumb, just rusty!"
Buffy : "Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like Introduction to Pies, or maybe Advanced Walking."

Warren : "So, score me!"
Jonathon : "Right.... Fifty points for ingenuity, thirty since it involved actual contact..."
Andrew : "Very smooth, by the way!"
Jonathon : "On the freak-o-meter I'd say she was at a six."

Warren : "Ah! You did it, dude. She's looping! What did you do, enchant the hand-thing?"
Jonathon : "Not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving."

Andrew: "I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up."
Warren : "Or Mulder in the X-Files one, where the bank kept exploding?"

Warren : "This mummy hand has ceased to be!"
Andrew: "It is an _ex_-mummy hand!"

Demon: "Ante up!"
Buffy : "You play for *kittens*?!?"
Spike : "Who's gonna advance me a tiny tabby... get me started?"

ALL THE WAY

Buffy : What about costumes that take over you personality, or wee, little Irish fear-demony thingies?

Dawn : You do this every night?
Anya : Every time I close out the cash register. The dance of capitalist superiority.

Xander : I'm gonna marry that girl.
Buffy : What? She's 15 and my sister, so don't even -- oh.

Buffy : Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
Giles : Tell no one.

Buffy : Seems like only yesterday you had to pay a girl to date you.
Xander : Like I'd ever pay... define "date".

Giles : Anya's a wonderful former vengeance demon.

Giles : Rupert is an exceptionally strong name.

Anya : I'm the luckiest ex-demon in the world.

Willow : [seeing a Luke and a Leia at the Bronze] Do they know they're brother and sister??

Giles : Mist. Cemetery. Halloween. Should end well.

Buffy : Were you parking? With a vamp?
Dawn: I didn't know he was dead.
...
Dawn : I just met him.
Buffy : Oh, so you went parking in the woods with a boy you just met.

Dawn : Oh, like you've never fallen for a vampire?
Buffy : That was different.

Buffy : Hey, didn't anyone come here to just make out? ... Aw, that's sweet. You run.

ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING

Anya : I have a theory... involving bunnies.

Anya : It has to be stopped. It's like we're being watched. Like there was a wall missing in our apartment. Like there were only three walls and not a fourth wall...

Xander : Work with me, British-man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it.

Spike : Drink?
Buffy : A world of no.

Tara : Willow said they have a lead on the whole musical-extravaganza evil. This demon that can be summoned - some sort of lord of the dance. But not the scary one - just a demon.

Anya : Dawn may have had the wrong idea in summoning this creature, but I've seen some of these Underworld child-bride deals, and they never end well. Maybe once.

Giles : If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll... I'll never want your opinion.

Dawn : The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.

TABULA RASA

Loanshark : There are a lot of things I would like, Mr. Spike. A house in Bel Air with a generously-sized swimming pool. And, of course, the 40 Siamese that you owe me.
Spike : Take it easy, you'll get your kittens.

Loanshark : Time, time! Time is what turns kittens into cats.

Anya : What? I'm just saying what everyone's thinking, right baby?
Xander : You are attractive and have many good qualities.

Xander : I'm gonna go get that phone. You probably don't hear it -- high-pitched ring, ears like a dog.

Spike : You met him, I believe. Toothy bloke with the baby-seal breath.

Anya : For real this time? 'Cause, honest-to-Pete, a young shopkeeper's heart can only take so much.

Giles : I'm afraid we don't know a bloody thing... except I seem to be British, don't I? Oh, and a man. With glasses. Well, that narrows it down considerably.

Giles : We'll get our memory back and it'll all be right as rain.
Spike : Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell. Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bullocks. Oh, god. I'm English.
Giles : Welcome to the nancy-tribe.
Spike : You don't suppose you and I... we're not related, are we?
Anya : There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance.
Giles : And you do inspire a particular feeling of familiarity and disappointment. Older brother?
Spike : Father. Oh god, how I must hate you.
Giles : What did I do?
Spike : There's always something. And what's with the trollop?
Anya : Hey!
Giles : Her?
Spike : I saw you sleeping together.
Giles : *Resting* together.

Spike : Oh, great -- a tarty step-mother who's half old Daddy's age.
Anya : Tarty?
Giles : Old?

Willow : I'm Willow Rosenberg. Huh, Willow. Funny name.

Spike : I knew there was a reason I hated you.

Buffy : Boy, you're a pain in the... Dawn: Boy, you're bossy... (in unison)
Dawn : Do you think we're...?
Buffy : Sisters?

Spike : Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic mid-life crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.

Buffy : Monsters are real. Did we know this?

Buffy : I kill your kind.
Spike : And I bite yours. So how come I don't want to bite you? And why am I fighting other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy, on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless. I'm a vampire with a soul.

Giles : Well fine, then just stay up there and keep making bunnies. It's a capital plan.
Anya : What capital? I never know what you're talking about. Loo, shag, brolly, what the hell is all that?
Giles : What? There's no way that you could remember me saying any of those words.
Anya : Oh, bugger off, you brolly.

Giles : Look what you've done, you lunatic woman!
Anya : Don't blame me, you snobby, snotty, thinks-he's-so-great kind of jerk... and I feel compelled to take some vengeance on you! [hits him with book]
Giles : Ow! God, no wonder I'm leaving you.

Giles : I'm so sorry, dear.
Anya : No, Rupy, I'm sorry. You were right. That was the wrong book.

SMASHED

Buffy : Hi. How've you been?
Amy : Rat. You?
Buffy : Dead.
Amy : Oh.

Spike : Examine my chip, or else Mr. Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathon : Hey! All right - let's not do anything crazy here.

Amy : It's just so weird. So, what's she like?
Willow : Thousand-year-old capitalist ex-demon with rabbit-phobia.
Amy : Well, that's so his type.

Anya : Optimism. I remember optimism.

GONE

Willow : Okay, I deserve the wrath of Dawn, but why is she taking it out on you?
Buffy : Because I let it happen.

Spike : So, um, what should I call you, then? Pet? Sweetheart? My little Goldilocks?

Xander : Still trying to smack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen. Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. Unless she's a simpleton like Harmony, or a nut-sack like Drusilla-
Buffy : Hey.

Buffy : I'm free. Free of rules and reports, free of this life.
Spike : Free of life. Got another name for that - dead.

DOUBLEMEAT PALACE

Manny the Manager : You don't need to be in there.
Buffy : Sorry. Was just curious.
Manny : Curiosity killed the cat.
Buffy : Theory #5: Cat-burgers.

Willow : Hey, standing right here. Standing right exactly here.

Anya : Halfrek, I didn't summon you to kill Xander, I called to invite you to our wedding.
Halfrek the Demon : You- Oh, my! What an embarrassing mistake!

Anya : Xander, he... he's very kind, and brave, and he has the sweetest smile, and the nicest body, and he loves me. Sometimes it isn't easy, but he does.
Halfrek : Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?
Anya : Well, you know, I'll do something, or say something, and then he has to say stuff like, "It's incorrect for you to appreciate money so much" or, "Observe. Here's how a real human would behave."

Willow : Amy, if you really are my friend, you better stay away from me. And if you really aren't... you better stay away from me.

DEAD THINGS

Buffy : I've been thinking about doing something to my room.
Spike : Yeah?
Buffy : Yeah, I think the New Kids on the Block posters are starting to date me.

Spike : Are we having a conversation?
Buffy : What? No. No. Maybe.

Andrew : Couldn't we have at least gotten a lair with a view?

Warren : When you girls are done touching each other, the cerebral dampener's ready to be charged.

OLDER AND FAR AWAY

Buffy : Ran off, huh? Afraid to face a true warrior? Ooh, shiny!

Xander : So, anything new about Warren and the nerd herd?
Dawn : No, just a big monster hunt.
Xander : Man, a nerd goes into hiding, he really goes into hiding.

Willow : I've got my group - you know, the whole Spellcasters Anonymous thing? We're still looking for a better name.

Spike : Stupid git.
Tara : I don't know - he seemed cute. Was he cute? I mean, I'm not a very good judge, but... I think he seemed cute.
Clem : I think he seemed cute, yeah.

Anya : Buffy's making a new friend. A grown-up friend.

Anya : I think she's possessed.
Xander : She's a teenager.

AS YOU WERE

Manager : See you tomorrow.
Buffy : Yes you will. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that...

Anya : I think we died in this car on the way to the airport, and now we're stuck in hell.
Xander : The radio said no traffic.
Anya : It's a hell radio. Of course it said so.

Xander : I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you, to start a new family, have children, make them hate us. Then one day, they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.

Anya : Planning this marriage is like staging the invasion of Normandy.
Xander : Without the laughs.

HELL'S BELLS

Willow : Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy, look at its arms!
Buffy : I know. But it's my duty. I'm Buffy the bridesmaid.
Willow : Duty-shmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number?

Buffy : I just can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folks.

Anya : I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic, and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something? ...I do, however, entrust you with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you, please? Take care of it, because it's all that I have, and if you let me, I'll take care of your heart, too.

Xander : Now, let's go over the list one more time. Number 1.
Buffy : Don't let your dad near the bar.
Xander : Check. Number 2.
Buffy : Don't let your mom near the bar.
Xander : Check.

Spike : You meet my friend?
Buffy : No, not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.

Willow : I'll say this for the Y chromosome. Looks good in a tux.
Xander : Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either.

Willow : It's a good thing I realized I was gay. Otherwise, hey, you, me and formalwear...

TWO TO GO

Anya : I care if you live or die, Xander. I'm just not sure which.

#

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