# SEASON ONE
Ross : Hellooo.
Joey : This guy says hello and I want to kill myself.
Monica: Okay, everybody.
Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner
and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?
Ross : I dont want
to be single, I want to be married again.
<Rachel runs in in wedding dress>
Chandler : And I want a million dollars...
Monica: Joey, stop
hitting on her. It's her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there's some rule or something?
Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.
Chandler : She makes the women I dream about, look like short, fat bald men.
Chandler : Well, what kind of a relationship do you see us having considering you have your foot so far up my leg that you can count the change in my pocket?
Chandler : "Gum would be perfection? Gum would be perfection. Could have said 'gum would be nice', could have said 'I'll have a stick', but no no, no, no, no for me, gum is perfection! I loathe myself...."
Chandler : "Out of my league? What do you mean? I could get a Brian! If I wanted to, I could get a Brian!" (Brian enters the room) "Hi Brian!"
Rachel : "Tit for tat."
Chandler : "Well, I'm not showing you my tat."
Chandler : *moves head
*right* Hard place.
Joey : We might be
Chandler : Tell me it's you and me 'we'.
Joey : She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off me. I'm not even sure what "slathering" is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it.
Chandler : Ok, Janice.
Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least
there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna
Janice : That's fine.
Chandler : [surprised] It is?
Janice : Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.
Chandler : Oh no, you see, actually it is.
Janice : No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.
Chandler : Oh, no I don't.
Janice : Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?
Chandler : I did, but-
Janice : You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
Chandler: You guys
all have goals, you all have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known 'I don't have a dream' speech.
- The One With The Stoned Guy
Ross: I had a dream
last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler: Oh, yeah? That's nice.
Ross: No. No. With him. I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby. And I know I've got to do something, 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is coming right at me.
- The One With The Two Parts (2?)
Ross: Are you guys
sure you want to play for money? Phoebe just threw away a pair of jacks
because they didn't look happy...
- The One With The Poker
Ross: I figured after
work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.
Chandler : I feel violated. And not in a good way.
Phoebe: If you want,
call her machine. If she has a lot of beeps, it probably means she hasn't
picked up her messages yet.
Chandler: You don't think that seems a little...
Ross: Desperate? Needy? Pathetic?
Chandler: You obviously saw my personal ad.
Chandler: She obviously got my message. And is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.
Chandler (to Monica) : Hell is filled with people like you.
Chandler : "Could this report be any later?"
Ross : "I can't believe
you two had sex in her dream!"
Chandler : "Well, I'm sorry. It was a one time thing, I was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious."
- The One With The Ick Factor
I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither of us are married, what do
you say you and I get together and have one? "
Monica: "Why won't I be married when I'm 40?!"
Chandler: "Oh no no. No. I just meant hypothetically."
Monica: "Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40!?" Chandler: "No. No no!"
Monica: "No no what is it!? Seriously is there something fundamentally ummarriable about me?!"
Chandler:"Uh uh uh."
Chandler:"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! "
- The One With The Birth
Chandler: "Come on
-- Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and he
bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?"
Rachel: "What did you just say?"
Chandler: "Crystal duck."
Rachel: "No... no... no... the, uh, the 'love' part?"
Chandler: "Fhhkk... flandin..."
Rachel: "Oh my God..."
Chandler: "No... no... no... no..."
- The One Where Rachel Finds Out
Chandler: You've got to get back in the game here. The Rachel thing isn't working, your ex-wife is a lesbian... do we really need a third reason?
Joey: It's never gonna
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: Me and Rachel? Me and Rachel? ... why not?
Joey: Because, you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: I am not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Rachel: These are great!
How come I've never tasted these?
Phoebe: Oh, I dont make them very often. It's not fair to the other cookies.
# SEASON TWO
Chandler: "Yo, paisan,
can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man."
- The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
Chandler : Janice was
my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe : Uh huh. Why is that?
Chandler : If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout.
Chandler : My god,
that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the
lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't
get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice
smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!
- The One Where Heckles Dies
Monica : C'mon give
me five more (sit-ups). Five more.
Chandler : [weakly] No.
Monica : Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler : One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.
Phoebe : Look, I, y'know,
I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting
and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
Joey : Maybe he drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
Phoebe: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
Joey : Maybe he's gay.
- The One Where Ross Finds Out
You are whiny. You
are obsessive. You are insecure. You are gutless. You never just sort of
seize the day. You liked me for what, a year and you didn't do anything
about it, and uh, uh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
- Rachel listing Ross's annoying traits, "The One With Phoebe's Dad"
Erica : "How can you
be here and there?"
Joey: "Cause it's a television show!"
Erica: "Drake, what are you getting at?"
Joey: "I'm NOT Drake."
Ross: "That's right - he's not Drake... he's Hans Ramoree, Drake's evil twin!" Erica:"Is this true?"
Rachel:"Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because...because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me! (throws glass of water in Joey's face)" Monica:"And then he told me he would run away with me - and he didn't! (throws another glass of water in Joey's face)"
Chandler:"And you left the toilet seat up, you BASTARD! (throws yet another glass of water in Joey's face)"
- The One After The Superbowl #1
Susie: Why do I want
to put ice in my mouth and lick your body all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is paying me back?
Ross : Do you think
he'll be surprised to see me?
Chandler : Yes, at first. Then he'll realize he's a monkey, and isn't capable of that emotion.
- The One After The Superbowl #2
Monica : "The camera
adds ten pounds"
Chandler : "So how many cameras were actually on you?
- The One With The Prom Video
"You see! This is the
brilliance of the show. Always keep them running."
- Chandler, watching the Baywatch opening credits, "The One Where Eddie Moves In"
Joey : When they found
my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could've saved
me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony or something.
- The One Where Dr Ramoray Dies
Chandler : "Uh, Julie."
Julie : "Yeah?"
Chandler : "Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright."
Chandler : "If I end up like my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blonde chasing after 20 year old boys, or I'll end up like my mom."
# SEASON THREE
Ross: You never look.
You just answer. It's just a reflex. "Do I look fat?" Nooo! "Is she prettier
than I am?" Noooo! "Does size matter?"
Ross: And it works both ways.
- The One With The Jam
I don't need an actual
man, just a couple of his best swimmers.
- Monica, considering planned motherhood, "The One With The Jam"
Janice: I’m sorry I
find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time
together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica and Rachel: What?!!
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?
- The One With The Flashback
Chandler : It's got
to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue
down her throat.
Monica : That was me.
Chandler : Look, when I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I'm sorry.
Ross: Hey Joey, are
men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.
Phoebe: For your information,
this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.
Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
Joey: Well y'know,
I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some
guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a
'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?
Rachel: How was your
Joey: I discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.
Joey: If the Homo Sapiens
were, in fact, _Homo_Sapiens... is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey. Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.
# SEASON FOUR
Rachel: Well, maybe
she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home
the biggest geek.
Ross: Fine by me, hope she wins.
Rachel : "Oh honey,
please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean
he's going to be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't
go for guys right after they get divorced."
Monica : "Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married."
Rachel : "Aren't you
going to watch it with me?"
Monica : "No, but I'll leave a sweater that smells like me beside you."
- The One With The Secret Closet
Ross : "I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend lately... in a way I'm kinda judging her for not dumping me earlier."
- The One With The Secret Closet
Chandler : "I'm not great with advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
- The One With The Tea Leaves
# SEASON NINE
"This is going to kill him. You know how much he likes to propose."
- Chandler about Ross, "The One Where No One Proposes"
"Did I leave the stove
"You haven't cooked since 1996!"
- Rachel and Ross, "The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner"
"That may be the hottest girl I've ever hated."
- Joey, meeting Rachel's sister Amy
"If I had known I was coming to this party, I never would have gotten married."
- Monica attending a party with "Days of Our Lives" stars
"Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won a Nobel Prize?"
- Ross, feeling out-matched, to Charlie
"You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?"
- Joey, to a paleontologist who doesn't own a TV
"Ross and Charlie? Wow, she's really making her way through the group, huh? Oh, who am I to talk?"
- Rachel to Joey
# SEASON TEN
"I believe the foundation of our friendship was bad hair."
- Chandler recalls his days in college with Ross
"I'm in college. I'm in a band."
- Chandler tries his luck with Rachel circa 1987
"What's new with you, Geller? Knock up any of my other daughters lately?"
- Dr. Green greets Ross
"Who am I kidding: Call the kid Gellar and let Bing die with me."
- Chandler to Monica
OK. Hating this.
Too many jokes...must mock Joey!
Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?
Could she be anymore out of my league?
She makes the women I dream about, look like short, fat bald men.
I know sitting in front of this computer is killing my brains and my sperm, but I get to make free long distance calls, so what the hell.
No bunch of friends is that good looking or funny... *glance around*... okay, except for you guys!
Don't worry, Joey. I'm sure that when the right woman comes along, you'll be responsible enough to say, "Sorry, I'm married.'"
Joey: "I may only have
a couple drinks in me, but I love you man!"
Chandler: "I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice."
Chandler to Joey: "You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore."
Chandler : "Or, 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm going to be dating leather wearing alcoholics, and complaining about them - to you .'"
Chandler to Ross about
Rachel : "Could you want her more?"
Ross : "Who?"
Chandler : "Y'know
I remember my father, all dressed up in a red suit, the big black boots
and the patent leather belt, sneakin' around downstairs. He didn't want
anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something
and wake everybody up."
Rachel : "Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas."
Chandler : "Who said anything about Christmas?"
*moves head left* Rock.
*right* Hard place.
Every day is lesbian lover day!
Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!
I suppose we're looking for a more sophisticated answer than, 'To get you into bed?'
I think I speak for everyone when I say [slams door in Paulo's face]
# JOEY: THE FRIENDS SPINOFF
"All the kids at school
make fune of me. And they aren't cool kids, like quarterbacks. These are
- Michael to Joey, "Joey"
"I'm kinda his teacher
in that area."
"That must be a long course: 'How *you* doin. How you *doin*'. *How* you doin.' "
"Well, worked on every one of your friends."
- Joey and Gina, teaching Michael in the ways of romance, "Joey"
"Compliment her, then ignore her."
- Joey and Gina, passing on their wisdom to Michael, "Joey"
"Michael you have to
seize the moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing."
- Joey, "Joey"
"Lawyer logic isn't
going to work with me, or any other kind of logic."
- Joey to Alex, "Joey"
"If there was a 20
year old me out there, she'd be lucky to have a guy like you."
"If I could build an ultra realistic girl robot, I'd want her to be just like you."
- Alex and Michael, sharing a moment, "Joey"
"That's right. You don't work on a soap opera without picking up a few things."
- Joey and Mariska, "Joey"
"Hey Joey, who'd you
have up here last night? It sounded like a bobcat attacking a seal."
- Michael, to Joey and Alex, "Joey"
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