Ross : Hellooo.
Joey : This guy says hello and I want to kill myself.

Monica: Okay, everybody. Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Did I say that out loud?

Ross : I dont want to be single, I want to be married again.
<Rachel runs in in wedding dress>
Chandler : And I want a million dollars...

Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day.
Joey: What? Like there's some rule or something?

Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here,
Chandler: I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. Phoebe: Here's my money. But you should all know, it's cursed.
Joey: Cursed?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. I cursed it. And bad things will happen to he who spends it.
Chandler: Here, I'll take it. Bad things happen to me anyway. At least this way I can break them up with a movie. Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that. Phoebe : Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey : I'd probably kill myself, hey, if little Joey's dead, big Joey ain't got not reason to live.

Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.

Chandler : Could she be anymore out of my league?

Chandler : She makes the women I dream about, look like short, fat bald men.

Chandler : Well, what kind of a relationship do you see us having considering you have your foot so far up my leg that you can count the change in my pocket?

Chandler to Joey on the phone: "I'm tsfraphpd ain n A{T%M~ vrehstifpool wriphd JVILHL GROOFDACPHRE!"

Chandler : "Gum would be perfection? Gum would be perfection. Could have said 'gum would be nice', could have said 'I'll have a stick', but no no, no, no, no for me, gum is perfection! I loathe myself...."

Shelley : Do you want a date Saturday?
Chandler : Yes please.
Shelley : Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
Chandler : He's a he?

Chandler : "Out of my league? What do you mean? I could get a Brian! If I wanted to, I could get a Brian!" (Brian enters the room) "Hi Brian!"

Scientist Guy : "... and then I said that while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in the classical sense, you are beautiful with a kind of a delicate grace. And that's, that's when you started yelling." Joey: How could you let this happen?
Ross: I don't know. Well, it's not like she's a regular mom. She's sexy, she's-
Joey: You don't think my Mom's sexy?
Ross: Well, not in the same way-
Joey: Hey, I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day all right. You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here. Chandler : "That's a realtively open weave and I can still see your... nipular region."

Rachel : "Tit for tat."
Chandler : "Well, I'm not showing you my tat."

Chandler : *moves head left* Rock.
*right* Hard place.
*forward* Me.

Chandler : "Calm down? Calm down! You set me up with a woman I dumped twice in the last five months!"

Joey : We might be leaving now.
Chandler : Tell me it's you and me 'we'.
Joey : She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and lick it off me. I'm not even sure what "slathering" is, but I definitely wanna be a part of it.

Chandler : Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.
Janice : That's fine.
Chandler : [surprised] It is?
Janice : Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.
Chandler : Oh no, you see, actually it is.
Janice : No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.
Chandler : Oh, no I don't.
Janice : Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?
Chandler : I did, but-
Janice : You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

Ross : I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were different characters, plot lines, themes, a motif. At one point there were villagers...

Chandler: You guys all have goals, you all have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known 'I don't have a dream' speech.
        - The One With The Stoned Guy

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler: Oh, yeah? That's nice.
Ross: No. No. With him. I'm on this field, and they hike me the baby. And I know I've got to do something, 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is coming right at me.
        - The One With The Two Parts (2?)

Ross: Are you guys sure you want to play for money? Phoebe just threw away a pair of jacks because they didn't look happy...
        - The One With The Poker

Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Chandler : I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...
Monica : So have you called her yet?
Chandler : Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? I'm right, right?

Chandler : I feel violated. And not in a good way.

Phoebe: If you want, call her machine. If she has a lot of beeps, it probably means she hasn't picked up her messages yet.
Chandler: You don't think that seems a little...
Ross: Desperate? Needy? Pathetic?
Chandler: You obviously saw my personal ad.

Chandler: She obviously got my message. And is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

Chandler (to Monica) : Hell is filled with people like you.

Joey : "How young is Young Ethan?"
Monica : "He's our age."
Chandler : "When we were?"

Chandler : "Could this report be any later?"

Ross : "I can't believe you two had sex in her dream!"
Chandler : "Well, I'm sorry. It was a one time thing, I was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious."
        - The One With The Ick Factor

Chandler: "Alright, I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one? "
Monica: "Why won't I be married when I'm 40?!"
Chandler: "Oh no no. No. I just meant hypothetically."
Monica: "Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40!?" Chandler: "No. No no!"
Monica: "No no what is it!? Seriously is there something fundamentally ummarriable about me?!"
Chandler:"Uh uh uh."
Chandler:"Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! "
        - The One With The Birth

Chandler: "Come on -- Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and he bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?"
Rachel: "What did you just say?"
Chandler: "Crystal duck."
Rachel: "No... no... no... the, uh, the 'love' part?"
Chandler: "Fhhkk... flandin..."
Rachel: "Oh my God..."
Chandler: "No... no... no... no..."
        - The One Where Rachel Finds Out

Chandler: You've got to get back in the game here. The Rachel thing isn't working, your ex-wife is a lesbian... do we really need a third reason?

Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Ross: What?
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: Me and Rachel? Me and Rachel? ... why not?
Joey: Because, you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: I am not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.

Rachel: These are great! How come I've never tasted these?
Phoebe: Oh, I dont make them very often. It's not fair to the other cookies.


Chandler: "Yo, paisan, can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man."
        - The One With Ross' New Girlfriend

Chandler : Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe : Uh huh. Why is that?
Chandler : If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout.

Chandler : My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!
        - The One Where Heckles Dies

Monica : C'mon give me five more (sit-ups). Five more.
Chandler : [weakly] No.
Monica : Five more and I'll flash you.
Chandler : One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.

Phoebe : Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
Joey : Maybe he drives his car on the other side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
Phoebe: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
Joey : Maybe he's gay.
        - The One Where Ross Finds Out

You are whiny. You are obsessive. You are insecure. You are gutless. You never just sort of seize the day. You liked me for what, a year and you didn't do anything about it, and uh, uh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
        - Rachel listing Ross's annoying traits, "The One With Phoebe's Dad"

Erica : "How can you be here and there?"
Joey: "Cause it's a television show!"
Erica: "Drake, what are you getting at?"
Joey: "I'm NOT Drake."
Ross: "That's right - he's not Drake... he's Hans Ramoree, Drake's evil twin!" Erica:"Is this true?"
Rachel:"Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because...because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me! (throws glass of water in Joey's face)" Monica:"And then he told me he would run away with me - and he didn't! (throws another glass of water in Joey's face)"
Chandler:"And you left the toilet seat up, you BASTARD! (throws yet another glass of water in Joey's face)"
        - The One After The Superbowl #1

Susie: Why do I want to put ice in my mouth and lick your body all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is paying me back?

Ross : Do you think he'll be surprised to see me?
Chandler : Yes, at first. Then he'll realize he's a monkey, and isn't capable of that emotion.
        - The One After The Superbowl #2

Monica : "The camera adds ten pounds"
Chandler : "So how many cameras were actually on you?
        - The One With The Prom Video

"You see! This is the brilliance of the show. Always keep them running."
        - Chandler, watching the Baywatch opening credits, "The One Where Eddie Moves In"

Joey : When they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor who could've saved me was me. It's supposed to be some kind of irony or something.
        - The One Where Dr Ramoray Dies

Chandler : "Uh, Julie."
Julie : "Yeah?"
Chandler : "Sorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright."

Chandler : "If I end up like my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blonde chasing after 20 year old boys, or I'll end up like my mom."


Ross: You never look. You just answer. It's just a reflex. "Do I look fat?" Nooo! "Is she prettier than I am?" Noooo! "Does size matter?"
Rachel: Noooo!
Ross: And it works both ways.
        - The One With The Jam

I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers.
        - Monica, considering planned motherhood, "The One With The Jam"

Janice: I’m sorry I find it hard to believe that a group of people who spends as much time together as you guys do has never bumped uglies.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica and Rachel: What?!!
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?
        - The One With The Flashback

Chandler : It's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica : That was me.
Chandler : Look, when I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly, and I'm sorry.

Ross: Hey Joey, are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey: No, only for sex.

Phoebe's boyfriend was coming out of his shorts....
Chandler : "What do we do, what do we do, what do we do??"
Ross : "Just don't look directly at it."
Chandler : "Like an eclipse." Joey : Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie!
Ross : I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Monica and Phoebe : Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you. Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....

Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.
Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.

Joey: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Rachel: How was your day?
Joey: I discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.

Joey: If the Homo Sapiens were, in fact, _Homo_Sapiens... is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey. Homo Sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.


Rachel: Well, maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Ross: Fine by me, hope she wins.

Ross : Hey, y'know, Mon, if things work out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica : Fine! Judge all you want to but, married a lesbian, left a man at the altar, fell in love with a gay ice dancer, threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, livin’ in a box!! Chandler: Y’know what? We’re not sad, we’re not sad, we’re just not 21 anymore. Y’know? I’m 29 years old, damnit! And I want to sit in a comfortable chair, and watch television and go to bed at a reasonable hour!
Joey and Ross: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah! And I like to hang out in a quiet place where I can talk to my friends.
Chandler and Ross: Yeah!
Ross: And so what if I like to go home, throw on some Kenny G, and take a bath!
Joey: We’re 29, we’re not women. Ross : Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel : Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing! Monica: No!!
Ross : I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandler Bong.
Monica : I knew that! Rachel! Use you’re head!
Chandler : Actually, it’s Miss Chanandler Bong Chandler : Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the no heat.
Joey : Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There’s a lot of theories that didn’t pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler : Oh my God!! Phoebe: What?! I thought you were crazy about her!
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personality. Well, they’re all back! Y’know? And she’s picked up like nine new ones!
Joey: So what are you doing bringing her here?! There’s people here! Chandler : Joey, you say things now. Chandler : Oh, she’s got you running errands, y’know, picking up wedding dresses...Wah-pah!
Ross : What’s wah-pah?
Chandler : Y’know, whipped! Wah-pah!
Joey : That’s not whipped! Whipped is whi-tcssh!
Chandler : That’s what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey : You can’t do anything! Joey : It’s better! You can’t go to a museum in your underwear!
Chandler : Well, You could, but... probably just the one time. # SEASON FIVE

Rachel : "Oh honey, please, no, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean he's going to be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced."
Monica : "Right, you only go for them 5 minutes before they get married."


Rachel : "Aren't you going to watch it with me?"
Monica : "No, but I'll leave a sweater that smells like me beside you."

        - The One With The Secret Closet

Ross : "I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend lately... in a way I'm kinda judging her for not dumping me earlier."

        - The One With The Secret Closet

Chandler : "I'm not great with advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

        - The One With The Tea Leaves


"This is going to kill him. You know how much he likes to propose."

        - Chandler about Ross, "The One Where No One Proposes"

"Did I leave the stove on?"
"You haven't cooked since 1996!"

        - Rachel and Ross, "The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner"

"That may be the hottest girl I've ever hated."

        - Joey, meeting Rachel's sister Amy

"If I had known I was coming to this party, I never would have gotten married."

        - Monica attending a party with "Days of Our Lives" stars

"Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasn't won a Nobel Prize?"

        - Ross, feeling out-matched, to Charlie

"You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?"

        - Joey, to a paleontologist who doesn't own a TV

"Ross and Charlie? Wow, she's really making her way through the group, huh? Oh, who am I to talk?"

        - Rachel to Joey


"I believe the foundation of our friendship was bad hair."

        - Chandler recalls his days in college with Ross

"I'm in college. I'm in a band."

        - Chandler tries his luck with Rachel circa 1987

"What's new with you, Geller? Knock up any of my other daughters lately?"

        - Dr. Green greets Ross

"Who am I kidding: Call the kid Gellar and let Bing die with me."

        - Chandler to Monica


OK. Hating this.

Too many jokes...must mock Joey!

Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?

Could she be anymore out of my league?

She makes the women I dream about, look like short, fat bald men.

I know sitting in front of this computer is killing my brains and my sperm, but I get to make free long distance calls, so what the hell.

No bunch of friends is that good looking or funny... *glance around*... okay, except for you guys!

Don't worry, Joey. I'm sure that when the right woman comes along, you'll be responsible enough to say, "Sorry, I'm married.'"

Joey: "I may only have a couple drinks in me, but I love you man!"
Chandler: "I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice."

Chandler to Joey: "You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore."

Chandler : "Or, 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm going to be dating leather wearing alcoholics, and complaining about them - to you .'"

Chandler to Ross about Rachel : "Could you want her more?"
Ross : "Who?"

Chandler : "Y'know I remember my father, all dressed up in a red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneakin' around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up."
Rachel : "Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas."
Chandler : "Who said anything about Christmas?"

*moves head left* Rock.
*right* Hard place.
*forward* Me.


Every day is lesbian lover day!

Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!

I suppose we're looking for a more sophisticated answer than, 'To get you into bed?'

I think I speak for everyone when I say [slams door in Paulo's face]


"All the kids at school make fune of me. And they aren't cool kids, like quarterbacks. These are engineers."
        - Michael to Joey, "Joey"

"I'm kinda his teacher in that area."
"That must be a long course: 'How *you* doin. How you *doin*'. *How* you doin.' "
"Well, worked on every one of your friends."
        - Joey and Gina, teaching Michael in the ways of romance, "Joey"

"Compliment her."
"Ignore her."
"Compliment her, then ignore her."
        - Joey and Gina, passing on their wisdom to Michael, "Joey"

"Michael you have to seize the moment. The love between two nerds is a rare and fragile thing."
        - Joey, "Joey"

"Lawyer logic isn't going to work with me, or any other kind of logic."
        - Joey to Alex, "Joey"

"If there was a 20 year old me out there, she'd be lucky to have a guy like you."
"If I could build an ultra realistic girl robot, I'd want her to be just like you."
        - Alex and Michael, sharing a moment, "Joey"

"That's blackmail!"
"That's right. You don't work on a soap opera without picking up a few things."
        - Joey and Mariska, "Joey"

"Hey Joey, who'd you have up here last night? It sounded like a bobcat attacking a seal."
        - Michael, to Joey and Alex, "Joey"

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