NORTHERN EXPOSURE QUOTES : SEASON ONE

1.1

This is Cicely. She and Roslyn founded the town 97 years ago. Rumor and innuendo notwithstanding, they were just good friends.

- Maurice I don't don't like it - I hate it! And I demand to leave! ... Well that is because you are not the one who is supposed to spend the next 4 years of his life in this Godforsaken hole in the wall, pigsty with a bunch of dirty, psychotic rednecks! - Joel to Gilliam on the phone And if I leave? 10,000 dollars or 18 years in jail...AND 18 years in jail?!? - Joel receives the bad news You signed a contract, Joel. But much more important than that, you gave your word. And I intend to hold you to that word within the bounds of the law. If necessary, without the bounds of the law. - Maurice to Joel "Look, you know, if you'd rather spend the night here than at my place, don't let me get in your way!"
"Look, I don't want to tell you how to run your business, but this petulant aggressive thing is a real turnoff..."
"I am not a hooker...jerk. I'm your landlord." - Maggie meets Joel "I fly."
"What? You're a stewardess? I mean, I'm sorry - flight attendant. Which airline?"
"I own my *own* plane. I'm a pilot." - Maggie and Joel "You haven't heard back from your attorney, huh?"
"Well, no - but as I'm sure you know, these are very, very complex legal issues here, and they take quite some time to sort out. Besides, she's got finals." - Holling and Joel I didn't kill him! We were on a glacier. I take a hike; he decides to take a nap. And froze. - Maggie to Joel, on the fate of her boyfriend 1.2

"Have a great time. Tell Rick to feel free to drop by anytime so I can sew up those puncture wounds from you walking all over him in those heels."

- Joel to Maggie "Are you drunk, Fleischman?"
"No - I'm just...I'm a little...I'm homesick. Must be all this clean air, the bright stars. I can't sleep without bus fumes, the din of traffic, the crazy people in the street." - Maggie and Joel 1.3

"In case you hadn't noticed the diploma in my office, I am a doctor.  And even if you don't like me, you owe a certain amount of respect to the years of medical school and training I've put in."
"Are you trying to tell me that in a town of 815 people with 16 hours of daylight, you have a hard time squeezing everybody in?"
"It's the principle. Look, hello, 'I was hit by a bus' is a reason to be late for a doctor's appointment. Not, 'I decided to have my nails done at the last minute.'

- Maggie shows up late for an appointment with Joel "You know, feisty women never get boring."
"Let me tell you something. Boring women get a bad rap. There's a lot to be said for boring women." - Soapy and Joel discuss women (Maggie) "I don't like people committing suicide.  All the ethical considerations aside, it's just plain bad for business."

        - Joel to Maggie

"A man, a dead man, puts you in his will, and naturally you would think there's some ulterior motive."

- Maggie to Joel "Someone named Soapy has two doctorates?  You knew that Soapy was a college professor?"
"Everybody knew."
"I didn't."
"Well, you never asked."
"So, is Holling a former Secretary of State?  Was Ed with the CIA?  What  else have I missed cause I haven't thought to ask?"
        - Joel and Maggie

"I was thinking we could set up an animal preserve, and name it after Soapie."
"An animal preserve? So all the Alaskans can have some place to get back to nature?"

- Maggie and Joel "It's not a movie, it's a documentary."
"Oh yeah? I *like* those! Animals kill each other; that bald guy sells insurance." - Film student and Ed "In his journal, he said that you guys were alike in more ways than looks.
"What do you mean? What did he say?"
"He said you both sang your own song."
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know. Soapy said Helen was less defensive than you are, but that you took more chances, except when it came to men." - The film crew interview Maggie about Soapy's wife "Do I kill guys? Or is it just sheer coincidence that every guy I go out with ends up dead...So what do I do? Only go out with guys that I'd like to see dead?"
"Joel?" - Maggie and Holling "Chris, you play this crap at 6 in the morning and you'll be looking down so many barrels, you'll think you landed in an NRA convention." - Maurice "If you're here for four more years or four more weeks, you're here right now. I think when you're somewhere, you ought to be there. It's not about how long you stay in a place, it's about what you do while you're there, and when you go, is that place any better for your having been there? Am I answering your question?" - Chris advising Joel "All you care about is you, and New York, and your precious career!"
"Look, Mother Theresa. I did not get off the plane and say that I am Marcus Wellby, kindly physician, and all around swell guy! Okay!?! I was fully prepared to do my time in Anchorage, but I am contractually bound to this tundra under false pretenses and against my will. So if I resort to some unscrupulous practices to right a greater wrong, look, where's Amnesty International when it comes to Joel Fleischman?!?" - Maggie and Joel "Some day the only Chief I will be socialising with will be the Chief of Obstetrics."

        - Joel

"I don't usually drink, I get stupid too quickly."
"If you don't drink, how come you know so much about wine?"
"To impress other doctors."

        - Joel and Maggie

"Two glasses of this, and you may see me in an *entirely* new light."

- Joel to Maggie as they share a $200 bottle of wine "I owe you an apology I don't always see you as this huge physical impediment." - Maggie to Joel, a couple of glasses in. "The only consequence of all this will be, that whenever I open a nice Bordeaux, there will be the distant, distasteful memory of a nutcase who tried to kill me because I allowed her to kiss me on the cheek under false pretenses. I can live with it." - Joel [The best scene in the entire series]
Joel : "Just for the record, what exactly just happened?"
Maggie :: "Well I... I guess I was hitting on you..."
Joel : "You were coming onto me and I stopped you?"
Maggie :: "Well, yes... maybe."
Joel : "So basically what you're saying is if I hadn't done whatever it is that I did..."
Maggie :: "You're doing it now." *smiles*
Joel : "I am?"
Maggie :: "Uh huh."
Joel : "Oh. Can you describe whatever it is I'm doing? You see what I'm aware of is that we were just sitting there..."
Maggie :: "Good night Fleischman." *kisses him on cheek and leaves*

1.4

"Just come here to give me grief, O'Connell? Or am I catching you on a good day?"

- Joel "Do something to earn your job distinction."
"Oh? What's your job title?"
"Maid of honor."
"Oooh - sounds like a heavy load." - Maggie and Joel "Chris is ordained?"
"He answered a classified on the back of Rolling Stone." - Joel and Maggie "I read magazines. I watch TV. I know how people are supposed to treat each other!" - Shelly to Holling "Hey Fleischman - the wedding's back on."
"Holling and Shelly?"
"No, Fleischman, Laurel and Hardy." - Maggie and Joel "Let's bring a little dignity to it this time, okay?"
"Bring a little dignity? Me? What are you insinuating?"
"Late show, no groom, bad socks."
"Hey, my fiance gave me those socks." - Maggie and Joel 1.5

"No. No drunks, no convicted felons, and no one named Maggie."
"Her real name is Mary Margaret."

- Joel and Ed, looking for a pilot "A vindictive piece of shrapnel."

        - Joel, letting fly about Maggie

"Flowers for Joey Fleischman..."
"Joey???"

- Delivery person and Marilyn "Just what kind of flu have we have here, Doc?"
"That's an excellent question, Holling, that's an excellent question. A flu virus is named for its point of origin. Um, the Shanghai flu, the Hong Kong flu, the Russian flu, the Westchester..."
"So, it could be Russian flu?"
"Certainly."
"I never did trust Gorbachev." - Holling, Joel and Ruth-Anne at the town meeting "It's pretty sad when the Soviets' only hope for world domination is to send a flock of sick birds across the Bering Strait."
"Don't be ridiculous. This is not a political conspiracy, I promise you - this is a medical problem!"
"That's easy for you to say!"
"What is *that* supposed to mean?"
"It means your grandfather was probably a Trotsky-ite and your parents marched in candlelight vigils for Julius and Ethel Rosenberg!" - Townspeople and Joel at the town meeting "And despite everything, I think everyone learned a lot of really good stuff tonight."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah! I never knew there was a power struggle in the Kremlin after Andropov died." - Ed and Joel, after the town meeting "Four hours ago they wanted to deport me to Vladivostock."

        - Joel

"You skillfully planted the notion that there was something deep and symbiotic between you and me."
"In your *dreams*, Fleischman."

- Joel and Maggie "How's the wife?"
"Keeping me honest..."
"Well, tell her I said 'hi' and give a kiss to your sister!" - Chris and Joel, in Joel's dream sequence "Aren't you a sweet brother?" - Elaine to Joel, in Joel's dream sequence "Hey, big boy I missed you. Do you want to go out on the roof? Or you want to do it in the atrium? Or do you want to do it in the igloo?" - Maggie to Joel, in Joel's dream sequence "Often times it's what you don't see that opens up the mind to imagination."

        - Holling

"She said you were a great guy. She thinks you're funny, smart, and compassionate."
"And?"
"No and. But. Oh. She doesn't understand why you don't cut anybody any slack. Why you can't roll with the punches. Why you think everyone you meet has an ulterior motive. Why you can't be spontaneous. And why you can't see the beauty that's all around you. And frankly, I didn't know what to tell her."

- Elaine rephrasing Maggie to Joel "You didn't realise she was making a pass at you until she was halfway out the door."

        - Elaine, discussing Joel's wine-inspired moment with Maggie

"This has got to be the most dreadful and depressing romantic weekend on record."

        - Joel, as his plans with Elaine are ruined by fly

"Anyway, thanks for being so nice to her."
"Yeah, you know, she'd make a great sister."

- Joel and Maggie discuss Elaine "Would you like me to rub this all over you?"
"Yeah, that would be... You would?"
"In your *dreams*, Fleischman." - Maggie and Joel 1.6

"They do stupid things and die. I'm supposed to feel responsible?"

- Maggie to Shelly, about her luck with men "You forgot to tell me you were married?"
"Yes.  Don't tell me that you've never forgotten anything, Holling."
"We were almost married, Shelly."
"Almost doesn't count in horseshoes and marriage."
        - Holling and Shelly

"You've flipped you last flop with me Holling."

        - Shelly, laying down the law to Holling

1.7

"Now for the traffic report. Maggie O'Connell just drove down Main Street...too fast."

- Chris "You had me do a two hour turn around to Anchorage to pick up *bagels*? They were supposed to be medical supplies!" - Maggie, to Joel "I love women. Most women." - Joel to Maggie 1.8

"You're missing the point, Ed. Golf isn't a game, it's a choice that one makes with one's life."
"To hang out with people in funny-looking pants?"

- Joel & Ed "I can't criticize what I don't understand. If you want to call this art, you've got the benefit of all my doubts." - Maurice to Chris, on his sculpture "You've got to be the most paranoid person I've ever met."
"Oh, excuse me, O'Connell. But uh, paranoia implies an irrational highly agitated state. There is nothing irrational about taking a few reasonable security precautions." - Maggie and Joel "You can't look me in the eyes, can you?"
"I could, *if* I wanted to." - Joel and Maggie "I don't like people! You are a person, and I don't like people. Do you *understand* me?" - Adam to Joel "Do you want to *die*? Is that what you want?" -Adam to Joel "That makes Daddy a... a TRAVELLING MAN!" - Chris & Bernard #

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