QUOTES : SEASON TWO
2.1 GOODBYE TO ALL
"There are other ways
besides *sex* to get a bladder infection, Fleischman."
- Maggie and Joel
"You are single, you are
heterosexual, you are a doctor, you are Jewish. Alaska is wide open for
you and I was right. Believe me, I will be out there."
"Yeah, but that's
"I'll have to fight
the women off."
- Joel and Ed
"Tempus fugit, eh Joel?"
"It doesn't fugit
nearly fast enough."
- Chris and Joel,
(tempus fugit = time flies)
Could you stand over there,
please? You're making me look very short in front of these women.
- Joel to Chris on
Look, O'Connell. Unlike
most of your former boyfriends, Elaine is not dead.
I didn't come 5000 miles
to get all sweaty with a guy that could be in my Chem class.
- Joel is dumped
Dumped again, Fleischman?
17 years old? When we
didn't get into Harvard? We didn't handle *that* one very well, did we?
No, we didn't.
- Younger Joel to
It's "Love is Pain" day
on KBHR. Music to soothe the shattered heart. Dedicated to you, Dr. Joel.
- Chris in the morning
Which would you rather
watch: sword-swallowers and snake charmers from New Delhi...or *MacGyver*?
"Not frequency, I am not
talking about frequency; although that would have been great, too. I wanted
more intensity. I wanted to be out there, outside myself, outside my skin.
I wanted sex to be like robbing *life* out of the jaws of death!"
"Are you okay?"
"Well, it's 20 below
out, and you're breaking a sweat."
- Joel to Maggie
2.2 THE BIG KISS
They say dreams are
the windows of the soul : take a peek and you can see the inner workings,
the nuts and bolts.
- Chris on the radio
That smile of yours makes
the Mona Lisa look self-doubting.
- Joel to Maggie
"Do I detect a note of
"Jealous? Me? Of what?
Why would I be jealous? I was thinking how Rick might feel... remember
him? Big guy with landing gear for brains?"
- Maggie and Joel
2.3 ALL IS VANITY
"Be careful, there's
some ice over there."
- Joel sees Maggie
unloading her truck
I was looking forward
to meeting your Dr. Joel.
- Maggie's dad wants
to meet her beau
What kind of boyfriend
are you? You wouldn't think we had a close, caring relationship; that we've
been intimately involved for the past six months. What kind of impression
is that going to make on my dad? My dad! Who's come all this way to meet
you, my boyfriend, the doctor, who I've written so many wonderful letters
- Maggie to Joel,
trying to let him in on her secret
You know, you should wear
a dress more often. Let people see this dynamite figure of yours.
Why should I be the only lucky one?
"You could offer to
"You, our own Calamity
Jane? Our torch-bearer of the pioneer spirit? I wouldn't presume to insult
"Why were you born,
Fleischman? A mosquito has more utilitarian value!"
- Joel, to Maggie, at the dinner
You enjoyed it! Liike
some cheap conman.
- Maggie, after enduring a dinner with Joel
Why is seven degrees
in Alaska colder than seven degrees anywhere else?
A man should not leave
this earth with unfinished business. He should live each day as if
it was a pre-flight check. He should ask each morning, am I prepared
Let me not to the marriage
of true minds
- Maggie reads Shakespeare's
Sonnet 116 at the funeral
2.4 WHAT I DID FOR
Love is not love
Which alters when
it alteration finds,
Or bends with the
remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed
That looks on tempests
and is never shaken;
It is the star to
every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown,
although his height be taken.
Love's not time's
fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending
sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with
his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out ev'n
to the edge of doom.
If this be error and
upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
"Well, thanks Fleischman.
That's...that's sweet. Oh, I appreciate it, I do. It's just that I have
this Pavlovian response to you and I can never really express my appreciation.
To you, that is. Because you're sneaky and duplicitous and self-serving
and I always think you have a hidden agenda."
- Maggie and Joel
"Your history with men
being what it is *and* a black fedora?"
- Chris to Maggie
about her dream of Joel's death
"What's that thing on
aren't supposed to wear *parachutes*. How do you think the passengers feel?"
"Bon Voyage, Fleischman!"
- Joel and Maggie
in Joel's dream
"And while our mental
gears are shifted into memory; I'd like to call a little attention to a
fellow that we've gotten pretty attached to here in the last few months.
A guy that we refer to as Dr. Fleischman. Well, he might just go away for
two weeks...well, how many people know about Maggie's dream? Wow. Okay.
All right. Sure. He can come back. And true, even if he doesn't, we still
- Chris at the Founders'
"I feel really bad about
Elaine breaking up with him. I can't help but think had she known
about the plane wreck, she might have gone ahead and waited until he was
dead. I think that would have been the tactful way to handle it."
- Ruth Anne "remembers" Joel
"I always wanted to
be at my own funeral. That way you can see what people thought about you."
- Ed to Joel
"All that stuff I was
saying about winged chariots got to me. It was creepy — and damn moving."
- Maurice, realising his own mortality
"Okay, okay. You win.
I'm spooked. I admit it — I'm officially unsettled. I give up! It's not
worth it. I have my pride, but I'll be damned if I'm going to die for it."
- Joel to Marilyn
"You've had thoughts about
"Maybe more like...impulses."
"Now, wait a minute.
Thought-type thoughts, or fantasy-type thoughts?"
- Joel and Maggie
2.5 SPRING BREAK
If we go, go insane
- Lindsey Buckingham
song "Go Insane", features in 'running of the bulls' scene
"It's a jungle! There
are tarantulas here! Tropical diseases! You ever hear of elephantitis?
Your leg swells up like a telephone pole. We didn't get shots."
We can all go together
In this wild, wanton
We can all break down
"We don't need shots,
Fleischman. This is Paradise."
- Joel and Maggie, playing Adam and Eve in Maggie's dream
know. Sharper Image, Plow & Hearth, the latest Lascivious Lingerie?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Here's
your lingerie magazine. I was just leafing through it... you're using that
for onanistic purposes, huh? I think you need something a little more exciting."
"Here's a Playboy.
Ely Newt died a month before his subscription expired... Women of Norway."
- Joel, getting some unexpected service from Ruth Anne
"If you bring in cops,
I guarantee you're going to get robbers."
- Maurice explains
to Joel why they have no police
I'm upset, you wanna know
why Ed? As a physician I realise that sexual release is not crucial to
human survival like say water or oxygen, but when a healthy, 28 year-old
male is deprived of sexual release he's an awful hard time enjoying his
"Hey, don't get zen
on me. I have been violated!"
I admit, I've been
unusually preoccupied, even obsessed with carnal desires, but let me suggest
the primary cause is not this meltdown, but the fact that I've been stuck
in this God forsaken place for ten months and in this time I have not once,
no not once, not one time, had intimate relations with the opposite sex.
- Joel continues
Thank you, Mr. Sendak,
for reminding us that we should never lose touch with the wild and untamable
spirit within us all... Even up here in Alaska, we're turning our back
on the beast. We've opted for the zoo, where the lion can't eat you
instead of the jungle, where he can.
- Chris, after reading "Where The Wild Things Are"
"We're adults, we're
gonna talk it through."
"Right. Look, it's
very simple. It's really very simple. You need a woman."
"Yeah! Right! And
you need a man."
- Joel and Maggie, fighting their passion
Well, spring sprang.
We've had our state of grace and our little gift of sanctioned madness,
courtesy of Mother Nature. Thanks, Gaia. Much obliged.
- Chris on air
2.6 WAR AND PEACE
When was the last time
you knew a guy who was willing to get his brains blown out over nothing?
- Shelly, admiring
"Are you flirting with
"No! I'm just
merely saying that beneath that whiny, abrasive exterior of yours
I sometimes get a glimpse of the teensiest, eensy bit of something...almost
- Maggie and Joel
2.7 SLOW DANCE
No offense, but I personally
prefer to fly with a pilot that can see the full spectrum of color... Still,
you gotta wonder. If O'Connell would do that to a boyfriend; what would
she do to someone she kept her
clothes on with?
- Joel, to Rick, after Maggie fails him
"Boy, Rick sure was
- Ed and Joel
"A funeral is more for
the survivors than anybody else. In this case, that's Maggie, who's been
a survivor more times than she'd care to count. I know you all remember
Rick's predecessor Dave. He fell asleep on a glacier and froze to death.
But before Dave there was Glenn, and Glenn and his Volvo took a wrong turn
and ended up on a missile test range. And then there was Bruce, victim
of a terrible fishing accident. And then there was Harry. Remember Harry?
He died when he was out...uh...umm...how was it?"
"Lucky? He's dead!"
"Yeah, but how many
people get to get hit by a satellite. I'll bet he makes the Guiness Book
of World Records."
"Picnic. At a picnic."
"Picnic. Right. Potato
salad. You know, some people could look at this string of five deaths and
say, "Hey, this is weird. Something's going on here." But I want to say,
Maggie, on behalf of us all: we don't think it's your fault. We don't believe
in any curse. Right everybody? Come on, you can do better than that. Right
- Chris leads the
funeral for Rick
"Are you suggesting that
Bill and I have an affair?"
"Well, the truth is,
Maggie, I can't stand to look at him."
"You want me to kill
"Just date him - let
nature take its course."
- Maggie & a
"As a doctor, as a man
of science, I can tell you there is no such thing as curses! Everything
just happens as a question of probability. The statistical likelihood of
a specific event. For instance, if a man falls asleep on a glacier, it
is highly probable he will freeze to death. Likewise, if a man sits on
a mountainside, there is some probability, albeit slight, that he will
get hit by a satellite. Your having a relationship with those men is inconsequential;
it simply does not enter into the equation."
- Joel to Maggie
"If you don't dance with
me, O'Connell, you know what you are doing? You're turning your back on
reason, on mankind's struggle to pull itself out of the mire of ignorance
and superstition. You are saying "yes" to witchhunters and inquisitors;
you are slamming the door on enlightenment, and you are inviting back the
Dark Ages. Now I am not doing this for you, O'Connell, I am doing this
for *civilization*. What do you say? Pretty please?"
- Joel, trying to
cheer Maggie up
Return to Quotes
index, or Site homepage.