"There are other ways besides *sex* to get a bladder infection, Fleischman."
"Yeah, but that's the funniest."

- Maggie and Joel "You are single, you are heterosexual, you are a doctor, you are Jewish. Alaska is wide open for you and I was right. Believe me, I will be out there."
"I'll have to fight the women off."
"What women?" - Joel and Ed "Tempus fugit, eh Joel?"
"It doesn't fugit nearly fast enough." - Chris and Joel, (tempus fugit = time flies) Could you stand over there, please? You're making me look very short in front of these women. - Joel to Chris on a date Look, O'Connell. Unlike most of your former boyfriends, Elaine is not dead. - Joel I didn't come 5000 miles to get all sweaty with a guy that could be in my Chem class. - Joel is dumped again Dumped again, Fleischman? - Maggie 17 years old? When we didn't get into Harvard? We didn't handle *that* one very well, did we? No, we didn't. - Younger Joel to Joel It's "Love is Pain" day on KBHR. Music to soothe the shattered heart. Dedicated to you, Dr. Joel. - Chris in the morning Which would you rather watch: sword-swallowers and snake charmers from New Delhi...or *MacGyver*? - Shelly "Not frequency, I am not talking about frequency; although that would have been great, too. I wanted more intensity. I wanted to be out there, outside myself, outside my skin. I wanted sex to be like robbing *life* out of the jaws of death!"
"Are you okay?"
"Well, it's 20 below out, and you're breaking a sweat." - Joel to Maggie on sex 2.2 THE BIG KISS

They say dreams are the windows of the soul : take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts.

- Chris on the radio That smile of yours makes the Mona Lisa look self-doubting. - Joel to Maggie "Do I detect a note of jealousy, Fleischman?"
"Jealous? Me? Of what? Why would I be jealous? I was thinking how Rick might feel... remember him? Big guy with landing gear for brains?" - Maggie and Joel 2.3 ALL IS VANITY

"Be careful, there's some ice over there."
"You could offer to help, Fleischman."
"You, our own Calamity Jane? Our torch-bearer of the pioneer spirit? I wouldn't presume to insult you."
"Why were you born, Fleischman? A mosquito has more utilitarian value!"

- Joel sees Maggie unloading her truck I was looking forward to meeting your Dr. Joel. - Maggie's dad wants to meet her beau What kind of boyfriend are you? You wouldn't think we had a close, caring relationship; that we've been intimately involved for the past six months. What kind of impression is that going to make on my dad? My dad! Who's come all this way to meet you, my boyfriend, the doctor, who I've written so many wonderful letters about. - Maggie to Joel, trying to let him in on her secret You know, you should wear a dress more often.  Let people see this dynamite figure of yours. Why should I be the only lucky one?

        - Joel, to Maggie, at the dinner

You enjoyed it! Liike some cheap conman.

        - Maggie, after enduring a dinner with Joel

Why is seven degrees in Alaska colder than seven degrees anywhere else?

        - Joel

A man should not leave this earth with unfinished business.  He should live each day as if it was a pre-flight check.  He should ask each morning, am I prepared to lift-off?

        - Maurice

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out ev'n to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

- Maggie reads Shakespeare's Sonnet 116 at the funeral 2.4 WHAT I DID FOR LOVE

"Well, thanks Fleischman. That's...that's sweet. Oh, I appreciate it, I do. It's just that I have this Pavlovian response to you and I can never really express my appreciation. To you, that is. Because you're sneaky and duplicitous and self-serving and I always think you have a hidden agenda."
"You're welcome."

- Maggie and Joel "Your history with men being what it is *and* a black fedora?" - Chris to Maggie about her dream of Joel's death "What's that thing on your back?"
"Flight attendants aren't supposed to wear *parachutes*. How do you think the passengers feel?"
"Bon Voyage, Fleischman!" - Joel and Maggie in Joel's dream "And while our mental gears are shifted into memory; I'd like to call a little attention to a fellow that we've gotten pretty attached to here in the last few months. A guy that we refer to as Dr. Fleischman. Well, he might just go away for two weeks...well, how many people know about Maggie's dream? Wow. Okay. All right. Sure. He can come back. And true, even if he doesn't, we still have Dave..." - Chris at the Founders' Day meeting "I feel really bad about Elaine breaking up with him.  I can't help but think had she known about the plane wreck, she might have gone ahead and waited until he was dead.  I think that would have been the tactful way to handle it."
        - Ruth Anne "remembers" Joel

"I always wanted to be at my own funeral. That way you can see what people thought about you."
        - Ed to Joel

"All that stuff I was saying about winged chariots got to me. It was creepy and damn moving."
        - Maurice, realising his own mortality

"Okay, okay. You win. I'm spooked. I admit it I'm officially unsettled. I give up! It's not worth it. I have my pride, but I'll be damned if I'm going to die for it."

- Joel to Marilyn "You've had thoughts about me?"
"Maybe more like...impulses."
"No, thoughts."
"Now, wait a minute. Thought-type thoughts, or fantasy-type thoughts?" - Joel and Maggie 2.5 SPRING BREAK

If we go, go insane
We can all go together
In this wild, wanton world
We can all break down forever...

- Lindsey Buckingham song "Go Insane", features in 'running of the bulls' scene "It's a jungle! There are tarantulas here! Tropical diseases! You ever hear of elephantitis? Your leg swells up like a telephone pole. We didn't get shots."
"We don't need shots, Fleischman. This is Paradise."

        - Joel and Maggie, playing Adam and Eve in Maggie's dream

"Catalogues... you know. Sharper Image, Plow & Hearth, the latest Lascivious Lingerie?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Here's your lingerie magazine. I was just leafing through it... you're using that for onanistic purposes, huh? I think you need something a little more exciting."
"Here's a Playboy. Ely Newt died a month before his subscription expired... Women of Norway."

        - Joel, getting some unexpected service from Ruth Anne

"If you bring in cops, I guarantee you're going to get robbers."
"Hey, don't get zen on me. I have been violated!"

- Maurice explains to Joel why they have no police I'm upset, you wanna know why Ed? As a physician I realise that sexual release is not crucial to human survival like say water or oxygen, but when a healthy, 28 year-old male is deprived of sexual release he's an awful hard time enjoying his survival.

        - Joel

I admit, I've been unusually preoccupied, even obsessed with carnal desires, but let me suggest the primary cause is not this meltdown, but the fact that I've been stuck in this God forsaken place for ten months and in this time I have not once, no not once, not one time, had intimate relations with the opposite sex.

        - Joel continues

Thank you, Mr. Sendak, for reminding us that we should never lose touch with the wild and untamable spirit within us all... Even up here in Alaska, we're turning our back on the beast.  We've opted for the zoo, where the lion can't eat you instead of the jungle, where he can.

        - Chris, after reading "Where The Wild Things Are"

"We're adults, we're gonna talk it through."
"Right. Look, it's very simple. It's really very simple. You need a woman."
"Yeah! Right! And you need a man."

        - Joel and Maggie, fighting their passion

Well, spring sprang. We've had our state of grace and our little gift of sanctioned madness, courtesy of Mother Nature. Thanks, Gaia. Much obliged.

        - Chris on air


When was the last time you knew a guy who was willing to get his brains blown out over nothing?

- Shelly, admiring Nikolai "Are you flirting with me?"
"No!  I'm just merely saying that beneath that whiny, abrasive  exterior of yours I sometimes get a glimpse of the teensiest, eensy bit of something...almost manly."

        - Maggie and Joel


No offense, but I personally prefer to fly with a pilot that can see the full spectrum of color... Still, you gotta wonder. If O'Connell would do that to a boyfriend; what would she do to someone she kept her
clothes on with?

        - Joel, to Rick, after Maggie fails him

"Boy, Rick sure was lucky."
"Lucky? He's dead!"
"Yeah, but how many people get to get hit by a satellite. I'll bet he makes the Guiness Book of World Records."

- Ed and Joel "A funeral is more for the survivors than anybody else. In this case, that's Maggie, who's been a survivor more times than she'd care to count. I know you all remember Rick's predecessor Dave. He fell asleep on a glacier and froze to death. But before Dave there was Glenn, and Glenn and his Volvo took a wrong turn and ended up on a missile test range. And then there was Bruce, victim of a terrible fishing accident. And then there was Harry. Remember Harry? He died when he was was it?"
"Picnic. At a picnic."
"Picnic. Right. Potato salad. You know, some people could look at this string of five deaths and say, "Hey, this is weird. Something's going on here." But I want to say, Maggie, on behalf of us all: we don't think it's your fault. We don't believe in any curse. Right everybody? Come on, you can do better than that. Right everybody?" - Chris leads the funeral for Rick "Are you suggesting that Bill and I have an affair?"
"Well, the truth is, Maggie, I can't stand to look at him."
"You want me to kill him?"
"Just date him - let nature take its course." - Maggie & a disgruntled wife "As a doctor, as a man of science, I can tell you there is no such thing as curses! Everything just happens as a question of probability. The statistical likelihood of a specific event. For instance, if a man falls asleep on a glacier, it is highly probable he will freeze to death. Likewise, if a man sits on a mountainside, there is some probability, albeit slight, that he will get hit by a satellite. Your having a relationship with those men is inconsequential; it simply does not enter into the equation." - Joel to Maggie "If you don't dance with me, O'Connell, you know what you are doing? You're turning your back on reason, on mankind's struggle to pull itself out of the mire of ignorance and superstition. You are saying "yes" to witchhunters and inquisitors; you are slamming the door on enlightenment, and you are inviting back the Dark Ages. Now I am not doing this for you, O'Connell, I am doing this for *civilization*. What do you say? Pretty please?" - Joel, trying to cheer Maggie up #

Return to Quotes index, or Site homepage.