Max : Liz, I just want
to put everything that happened behind us.
Liz : Yeah, you know that I would, too, if I had impregnated an alien killer who murdered one of our best friends and then left the planet with my unborn child.
Michael : Mr. Seligman,
I know you hate my guts. Personally, I hate yours, too.
Mr. Seligman : This is how you ask a favor?
Michael : But if you help me graduate this year, then you won't have to see me next year.
Mr. Seligman : Well, you do have a point there.
Isabel: Max, a little reality check. This ship you're talking about...sucks. It's a lemon. It crashed to begin with. That's why we're stuck here.
Mr. Evans : Max...
There was over $200 left in that cash register. You didn't do it for the
money. I never believed you did it for some adolescent thrill. You did
it because you wanted to get down those stairs into that room. And I need
you to tell me why.
Max : I can't ever tell you the truth. Please, don't make me lie to you.
THE GREAT SNAPPLE CAPER
Max : Oh, sorry. Bad
time? Is this some deranged sex thing?
Michael: I got a job.
Max: Security guard?
Michael : Hey, Steve.
I'm sorry, man.
Steve: That doesn't help me, Mike.
Michael : I mean, why
should I worry about it? If he takes it upon himself to marry someone and
then knock her up before he's got a decent job, how is that my problem?
Max : It isn't.
Michael: So why do I feel like this?
Max: Like what?
Michael: I don't know.
Max: Like you care?
Max : Michael, what you're about to do is not a plan. It's not an idea. It's something you think about in your mind, and then you come up with something... better.
Jim : Kyle, I'm sorry.
Kyle : Dad, don't apologize. That's not even what I want.
Steve: You're a crazy
bastard. You know that?
Michael: Welcome to my world.
Steve : Is that her?
That's your girl?
Michael : That's her.
Fly : Did you ever ask her to wear that uniform off duty?
Isabel : Jesse, what
I wanted to say is just that, you know, if we're gonna continue in this
relationship, it needs to be about now. I can't promise you tomorrow, and
I just need you to understand that.
Jesse : Oh.
Isabel : What were you gonna say to me?
Jesse : Pretty much the opposite.
Isabel : How did you
know to tell Liz? I just do.
Max : Right now, I'm not so sure it was the best idea to tell liz. It's screwing up her entire life.
Isabel : No matter how much it screws up her life, you still have each other. Isn't that the most important thing?
Max : Think about Jesse, Isabel. We agreed not to tell anyone else after Alex died because we didn't want to put anyone else at risk. The second you tell Jesse, his life changes... Forever. He becomes a part of a secret he didn't ask to be part of. You can't tell him, isabel. For his sake.
Isabel : I'm cursed.
Alex : You are not
Isabel : Look what happened to you - you were killed by an alien. And then there was Grant, the only other guy .
Kyle : What are you afraid of? What do you think's gonna happen? He's gonna run away? Isabel, has anyone you've shared this with ever run away from you? Name one person. Let him in. Let him deal with it.
Monk : Hey, how's date
Michael : I'll be lucky if she ever talks to me again.
Michael : What kind
of mood are you in?
Maria : That's a loaded question. Do you want both barrels now, or should I save one for later in case you forgot to clean the sheets?
Isabel : If I ever have a son, I'm going to name him Alex.
SECRETS AND LIES
Kyle : Might have something
to do with the fact that my grandfather lost his job searching for aliens
and ruined my dad's life.
Liz : But there are aliens. Your grandfather was right, and your father knows that.
Kyle : Liz, if you're going to start to point out the ironies in my family, I warn you: They never stop.
Liz : Kyle, your family is a damn nightmare. Somebody has to break the cycle of silence
Liz: Mr. Valenti? Mr.
Valenti, could you come in here please?
Kyle: Liz, you have no right to intrude on my dysfunctional--
Kal : So, this is the mighty king of Antar. A low-rent Tom Cruise with a $10 haircut?
Isabel (to Liz and Maria) : ...Bridesmaids, and since you guys are the closest thing I have to girlfriends, I was wondering if you would be mine?
Maria (to Liz) : Did that just happen?
Kal : You don't want to go back there. This is such a better place.
Kal : I destroyed my life for you tonight, all for nothing. Because of you, everything Iíve worked for is gone. It's how you've always been, your majesty: Selfish and ungrateful.
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD
Isabel : Jitters? Surely
Kyle : No, and don't call me-
Both : -Shirley.
Isabel : We are spending way too much time together.
Pool Guy : Nobody makes
shots like that. It's a statistical impossibility.
Michael : How would you know?
Pool Guy : I'm a statistician.
Isabel : Whose blood is this? Is this Jesse's blood? Are you testing his blood now?
Isabel : It is all about trust, Max. God, do you really think that I would marry someone that I don't even know? Someone who might be secretly working for the FBI or even - ohh! An alien? Don't you think I have walked through his dreams a few times, and that maybe I checked on his alien status a long time ago?
Kyle : So what's the
deal with this guy?
Michael : Son of a bitch killed us.
Max : Hi.
Michael : We're here to kill your boyfriend.
Isaebl : Why is this
happening to me? Oh, I'm married! I love Jesse! I love him!
Max : I know.
Isabel : But I love Kivar.
Max : No... No, you don't.
Denny : How'd I get
Michael : I don't know. Maybe you were kidnapped by aliens or something.
Max : I've gotta get
Michael : There'll be plenty of time for your intense brooding moments with Liz later.
Max : We were just almost obliterated by an alien killer.
Michael : Which is why we need to chill.
Max : Chill?
Michael : Exactly. Chill. See some stingrays.
Max : You're really serious about this?
BEHIND THE MUSIC
Maria : So he didn't
take it well, huh?
Liz : Alien Defcon 5.
Kyle : Michael, Michael, Michael. Let me explain something to you. Here on the planet earth we have this thing called jealousy.
Billy : Look past the
somewhat flammable hair and see what I see... Dreams. Look. This girl has
beautiful dreams. And she makes beautiful music. So, what happened to her?
Maria : Nothing. She just grew up.
Liz (to Michael) : You know that you really suck at small talk? Why don't you just tell Dr. Parker what's on your mind?
Liz : Michael, please don't do anything stupid or alien or both, please?
Michael : My powers
are slightly out of whack.
Max : "Out of whack"?
Michael : I've been blowing things up all day.
Billy : I was given
some advice one time. Decide what you want in life and live it.
Maria : That's terrible advice.
Billy : You gave it to me.
Maria : That explains it.
Liz : I think you've
been trying to remember who you used to be for a long time. Say it.
Maria : Sometimes I just feel like I've paid this huge price for knowing Michael and knowing these aliens. It's like... God, I didn't think I'd end up here dealing with this crap every day. I mean, I love Michael, and I do sort of love this ridiculous soap opera, but I can't take it anymore.
Maria : Michael, I
don't think I've ever been in. I mean, this girl you've known for the past
3 years - Maria - it's just not me.
Michael : Of course it's you.
Maria : No, it's not the me I used to be.
Michael : Will you
come back to me?
Maria : I don't know.
Max : So did you and
Maria officially break up?
Michael : I thought so, but the more she says, the more confusing it gets. She wants space, but she still wants me in her life. All I know for sure is I'm not getting any.
Michael : Hail the Christmas Nazi.
Isabel : You know,
Michael, I, too, was miserable around the holidays until I found my calling.
Michael : Making other people miserable.
Mother : If you want
to work with children, you might want to start with someone a little less
Max : I don't want to work with children. I want to help your son.
Isabel (to Liz + Maria) : There are no small assignments. Only small volunteers. You two are the smallest I could find for those elves costumes.
Max : What about tonight?
Liz : I can't. I'm an indentured elf all through Christmas eve.
Kyle : All right, here's the thing *Dad*, if you're gonna date women half your age, I suppose I can't stop you, but if you're going to, I have some house rules. I don't wanna know about it. I don't wanna hear about it. I don't wanna see her walking around in the morning half-naked.
Michael : Other Santa's in rehab, so Isabel forced me to do this. You know how she gets around the holidays. Bring me a brat, snowflake.
Kids : Santa and snowflake are kissing!
A TALE OF TWO PARTIES
Kyle (praying to Buddha) : Thank you. Now that my immortal soul has been cleansed... on to more terrestrial concerns. It's been a dry couple years. Kyle needs a woman. Kyle needs her badly. Kyle needs her tonight.
Kyle : Don't cramp
Isabel : You have style?
Isabel : It can't be
that hard, Kyle. I mean, you used to date girls.
Kyle : Look, it's been a long time, all right? I used to be a fun guy. I used to have fun, but then the alien invasion happened, and I sorta-- my social life started to suck.
Isabel : Ok, that one right there is Kim Langstrom. She's actually really very nice, but she's got a laugh like breaking glass.
Maria : You should have seen him standing there all brave and noble. It was enough to make you fall in love with him all over again.
Kyle : Morality has no place on New Year's eve. I saw an opportunity, and I took it.
CHANT DOWN BABYLON
Isabel (to Jesse) : "That's the problem isn't it? It's not that I lied, but that I'm good at it. How can you tell when I'm telling you the truth?"
WHO DIED AND MADE YOU KING?
Liz : Are you sure
it was the FBI?
Kyle : They were wearing the uniform.
Isabel (to Michael) : Stop it! Max is in charge. My husband's life is at stake! Just do what he says!
Michael : No one ever
listens to me. You didn't - not even when we were together. All you tried
to do was make me weak.
Maria : No, I loved you!
Michael : I stayed on this planet for you and you show your appreciation by dumping me? Yeah, you love me.
Kyle : Great. So Michael's
the boss-man? Think he'll offer a benefits plan? ...I for one am panicking
here. I love the guy, but I don't want to be a member of any club where
he's the leader.
Isabel : What do we do?
Max : We have to stop him. This is Michael to the Nth degree. Ruthless, impulsive, dangerous.
Michael : Save the
touchy-feely stuff, Maxwell. You're the king. You did what you had to do.
Max : I don't consider myself your boss.
Max : "What did it
Michael : "Like a really great scifi special effect."
Liz: "I'm trying to
handle the whole college acceptance thing with grace and aplomb."
Liz: "Yeah... it's an SAT word that I can't get out of my head. It's slowly driving me crazy."
Liz: "The trouble with making plans for the future... even when you can see the future... Is that fate has a way of intervening and upsetting 'the best laid plans of mice and men.' Robert Burns, 1785. That was on the SAT, too."
- Maria's nickname for Michael
"What about you and
"There were extenuating circumstances, she was a Michael worshipper."
- Maria and Michael
"I wouldn't trade it
for anything. It's meant so much to me, y'know. From day one, from the
moment I kidnapped you and stole your car... I knew you were the girl for
me. I never wanted anyone else."
- Michael to Maria
"Modesty prevents me
from taking a bow."
- Michael, after the rescue
"Does he really get
to start referring to us as his 'own kind'?"
- Michael, about Kyle
"I hear I missed quite
"I don't think they're gonna forget the class of 2002."
- Jim and Kyle Valenti
"I renounce the throne...
I'm not a king, you're not my second-in-command and you're not a princess."
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