SEINFELD QUOTES

"You're extremely attractive, you're gorgeous. I'm looking at you, I can't even remember my name."
        - George, in "The Secretary"

"Every day is like a date. It's a nightmare Jerry!"
        - George dates a co-worker, "The Stranded"

"What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?"
        - Jerry, "The Couch"

"I know less about women than anyone else in the world."
        - George, in "The Deal"

"Nobody is sicker than me."
        - George, in "The Visa"

"Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the middle ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it."
"They didn't have roommates in the middle ages."
"How do you know?"
"Well, for one thing, they didn't have apartments."
"Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere there were two women living together."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Switch"

"She has many other qualities admired by superficial man."
        - Jerry, about the roommate, "The Switch"

"So what happened?"
"She's into it."
"Into what?"
"The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate's into the menage too."
"That's unbelievable."
"Oh, it's a scene man."
"Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?"
"What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it."
"You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?"
"I can't. I'm not an orgy guy."
"Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident."
"Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it.
"If only something like that could happen to me."
"Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either."
"I know."
        - George and Jerry, "The Switch"

"It's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives."
        - Jerry, in "The Label Maker"

"I'm taking the Congo as a penalty!"
        - Kramer, after catching Newman cheating at Risk, in "The Label Maker"

"You know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine."
        - Kramer, close to victory in Risk, in "The Label Maker"

"What's so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn't shop there."
        - George, in "The Mom and Pop Store"

"For all I know, this guy went out of his way to not invite you. How am I going to feel if I show up with an uninvited, unwelcome intruder?"
"The way I feel when I go places with you?"
        - George and Jerry, in "The Mom and Pop Store"

"So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"
"No no no no no. It was not trash."
"Was it in the trash?"
"Yes."
"Then it was trash... Adjacent to refuse is refuse. You, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."
        - Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"

"Kramer, are you still on this? I've seen gymnasts. I know what they do. It's not going to make any difference."
"Jerry, what is your problem?"
"Kramer, you know, guys like you, with no conscience, don't know what it's like for guys like me. I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider people's feelings."
"All right, Jerry - are you familiar with the Kama Sutra? Tantric yoga? Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of!"
        - Jerry and Kramer, discussing Katya's talents, "The Gymnast"

"I can balance myself in any position. It is amazing after years of training how one can contort one's body. Of course, it is only useful in gymnastics."
        - Katya to Jerry, "The Gymnast"

"Listen to me. We're always sitting here. I'm always helping you with your girl problems, you're always helping me with my girl problems. Where do we end up?"
"Here."
"Exactly. Because neither one of us can handle a woman all by ourselves."
"I'm trying."
"I've tried. We don't have it. But maybe the two of us, working together, at full capacity, could do the job of one normal man."
"Then each of us would only have to be like a half-man. That sounds about right."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Summer of George"

"I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."
"Cheapness is not a sense."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

"Seven."
"Seven Costanza... You're serious?"
"Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl. Especially a girl... Or a boy."
"I don't think so."
"What, you don't like the name?"
"It's not a name. It's a number."
"I know. It's Mickey Mantle's number. So not only is it an all-around beautiful name, it is also a living tribute."
        - George and Susan, in "The Seven"

"If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer."
        - Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot"

"And we discover yet another talent... Posing as a girlfriend for homosexuals."
        - Jerry, to Elaine, in "The Beard"

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
        - George, in "The Beard"

"What's your name?"
"Jerry Seinfeld."
"...Did Kimberly steal Jo's baby?"
"I don't know."
"Did Billy sleep with Allison's best friend?"
"I don't know."
"...Did Jane sleep with Michael again?"
"Yes! That stupid idiot. He left her for Kimberly, he slept with her sister. He tricked her into giving him half her business, and then she goes ahead and sleeps with him again. I mean she's
crazy. How could she do something like that? Oh that Jane, she makes me so mad."
        - Jerry, finally admitting he watches Melrose Place at his lie detector test, "The Beard"

"You *cannot* abandon people in the middle of an airport pickup! It's a binding social contract. We must go forward, not back."
        - George, in "The Airport"

"I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker... Or is that you?"
"Gimme ten bucks and find out..."
        - Jerry and Elaine, en route to "The Airport"

"I've never met a man who knew so much about nothing."
"Thank you..."
        - Jerry impressing a supermodel with his knowledge of desserts, "The Airport"

"I'm Colin O'Brien."
"I'm Dylan Murphy."
        - George and Jerry, adopting personas to hijack "The Limo"

"We live in a society here!"
        - George, to an unhelpful traveller, "The Limo"

"Did you see the way she was looking at me?"
"She's a Nazi, George! A Nazi!"
"A helluva cute Nazi though."
        - George and Jerry, "The Limo"

"Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?"
        - Elaine to Jerry, in "The Stakeout"

"C'mon, there will be people to mock."
        - Jerry to Elaine, trying to convince her to go to a wedding, in "The Stakeout"

"I thought you were happy-go-lucky."
"No, no, no, I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky."
        - Naomi and Jerry, in "The Bubble Boy"

"I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell."
        - Jerry's opening monologue, "The Outing"

"You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good!"
        - George, trying to get rid of his current girlfriend, in "The Outing"

"Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat."
"And you get along well with women."
"I guess that leaves me in the clear..."
        - Jerry, Elaine and George, on why some people might thing Jerry is gay, in "The Outing"

"Look at George - he's on his ninth date with Betsy, he still hasn't gotten anywhere with her. Every time he tries to make a move, something screws up. Like on their last date, they were on the couch, but she was sitting on his wrong side."
"Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left... What about women? Do they go left or right?"
"Nah, we just play defense."
        - Jerry and Elaine, "The Implant"

"This chick's playin' with confederate money."
        - Elaine, about Sidra's "assets", "The Implant"

"Ah, look who's here. 'Silicon Valley'."
        - Elaine, after Sidra (Teri Hatcher) arrives, "The Implant"

"Hey, would you mind switching seats?"
"Why?"
"Oh, I don't know...I just like sitting to the left of people, makes me feel like I'm driving."
        - Jerry, getting into position with Sidra, "The Implant"

"By the way... they're real, and they're spectacular."
        - Sidra, with a slap in the face for Jerry, "The Implant"

"Did you just double-dip that chip? You double-dipped the chip!"
"'Double-dipped'? What are you talking about?"
"You dipped the chip. You took a bite. And you dipped again. That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip - just take one dip and end it!"
        - George commits a faux pass at a funeral reception, "The Implant"

"I happen to dress based on mood."
"But you essentially wear the same thing all the time."
"Seemingly, but within that basic framework there are many subtle variations only discernible to an acute observer that reflect the many moods, the many shades, the many sides of George Costanza."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Trip"

"You know what I've never understood? Why did they change the siren noise? When I was a kid, it was always 'WAAAAAH WAAAAAH' and now it's 'WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO'. Why'd they do that? I mean, did they do some research? Did they find out that WOO-WOO was a more effective siren than WAAAH?"
"Hey, and what about those English sirens? 'EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH, EEE YAAAH'..."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Trip"

"I'm not ashamed of my body."
"Exactly. That's your problem. You should be."
        - Jerry and the Naked Guy, in "The Subway"

"I don't talk to a soul on the subway for 35 years and I get the best man at a lesbian wedding."
"I'm not a lesbian. I hate men but I'm not a lesbian!"
        - A stranger makes the mistake of chatting to Elaine on "The Subway"

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
        - Jerry, in "The Pick"

"There had to have been a second spitter."
        - Jerry, in "The Boyfriend"

"It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like."
        - George, in "The Fix-Up"

"I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless you don't care. And when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
"So, hopelessness is the key?"
"It's my only hope."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Fix-Up"

"Appearance Not Important! This is unbelievable. Finally this is an ideology I can embrace."
        - George, reading a personal ad in the Communist "Daily Worker", "The Race"

"I wish there were pig-men. You get a few of those pig-men walking around, suddenly I'm looking a lot better. That way if someone wanted to fix me up they could say, 'Hey, at least he's no pig-man.
        - George, in "The Bris"

Kramer: "A bris? you mean snip snip?"
Stan: "Yeah."
Kramer: "I would advise against that."
Elaine: "Kramer. It's a tradition."
Kramer: "Well, so was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore."
        - The Bris

"She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."
        - Kramer, in "The Library"

"I'm not a terrible person."
"Noooo...."
"No, when I shoo squirrels away, I always say 'Get out of here." I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people." "That's nice." "Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I'm careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable."
"That's nice for the freaks."
"Yeah, and I don't poof up my hair when I go to the movies so people can see."
        - Elaine and Jerry, in "The Lip Reader"

"Why do they call it a wedgie?"
"Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until... it wedges in."
"They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare."
"Boys are sick."
"What do girls do?"
"We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
        - Elaine, George and Jerry, in "The Library"

"It's not you, it's me...."
"You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."
"Alright, George, it's you."
"You're damn right it's me."
"Look, I was just trying to...."
"I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me."
"Well I'm sure you do it very well."
"Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out."
        - George and Gwen, breaking up, in "The Lip Reader"

"So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? Do you really think she'd be that superficial?"
"Why not? I would be."
        - Jerry and George, in "The Lip Reader"

"Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It all became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's often wrong."
        - George, in "The Opposite"

"Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women."
        - George, in "The Opposite"

"If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right."
        - Jerry, to George, in "The Opposite"

"My name is George. I am unemployed and I live with my parents."
"I'm Victoria, hi!"
"...Who are you?"
"I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met."

        - George and Victoria in "The Opposite"

"A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it's all happening because I'm completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgement I've ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion, Elaine, Jerry. This is my religion."
"So I guess your messiah would be the Anti-Christ."
        - George and Jerry, in "The Opposite"

"Elaine, he's a male bimbo. He's a mimbo!"
        - Jerry, on Tony, in "The Stall"

"Elaine, have you ever gone out with a bald man?"
"No."
"You know what that makes you? A baldist."

"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do." "For me to ask a woman out, I've got to get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks." "She asked for your number. I think she's going to get in touch with you."
"Okay, I'm telling you right now. If you're kidding around I'm not going to be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that?"
"I've got no problem with that."
"Good, because if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game, we're finished."
"Expect a call."
"Oh my god, he's not kidding."
"Now I should tell you that at this point she's under the impression that you're a..."
"A what?"
"A marine biologist."
        - Jerry and George, in "The Marine Biologist"

"She thinks I'm a nice guy. Women always think I'm nice. But women don't want nice."
        - George, in "The Cafe"

"People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
        - Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"Newman never stops seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him."
        - Jerry, in "The Big Salad"

"My God, what is this salty discharge? Is this crying? This is terrible I care!"
        - Jerry, losing his veneer of calm

"She's a virgin?"
"A virgin."
"Wow. So what're you gonna do?"
"I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy."
"I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten."
"You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you."
"You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back."
        - George and Jerry, discussing "The Virgin"

#

"I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, "*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual."

"It's not easy!"
        ­ George, running out of the burning building, when a fireman asks him how he lives with himself

"I love a good nap, sometimes its the only thing getting me out of bed in the mornings."
        - George, "The Nap"

"I know how to get myself fired... now how do I get someone else fired?"
        - George

"Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
        - George

"A short guy with glasses, looked like Humpty Dumpty with a melon head."
        - Jerry describing George

"Finally, my stupidity pays off!"
        - George

"I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats to every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So, please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots."
        - George, "The Apartment"

"So you and Roxanne are hitting it off, huh?"
"Oh, I wouldn't quite say that."
"Really? From a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her."
"I'm a guy.. it always looks like that."
        - Elaine and Jerry, "The Apartment"

"My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what
I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control.. that's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday night, Klingon boxing.. gotta be there."
        - Jerry's intro from "The Apartment"

"I'm a much bigger idiot than you are."
"Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me."
"Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?"
"Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?"
"She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar."
"You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage."
        - Jerry and George, "The Apartment"

"I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building."
"Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand."
        - Kramer and Jerry, "The Apartment"

"Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body."
        - Jerry, watching Elaine flirt with a doctor, "The Heart Attack"

"I'm 33 years old; I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood."
        - George, "The Heart Attack"

"How was the doctor date?"
"It died on the table."
        - Elaine and Jerry, after Jerry makes the mistake of dating a dermatologist, "The Slicer"

"A revenge date? That sounds more like you."
        - Jerry, after George suggests Jerry goes on a revenge date with the dermatologist, "The Slicer"

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later." Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?" Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny. - George, to Jerry, in "The Visa" "Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
"I like to get the Daily News." "Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? Bystanders are by definition innocent."
        - Jackie Chiles, "The Finale"

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself! What am I gonna do, make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
        - Jerry, deserted by George and Elaine

"Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day."

Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George: Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.

OTHER JERRY SEINFELD QUOTES

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box."

"What causes homophobia?  What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this?  I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance.  We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right.  Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything.  What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels.  No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'"

QUOTES ABOUT THE SHOW

The test of believable screen characters is whether we can imagine them going on after the cameras stop. It's easy to see these four nattering at each other into eternity.
        - Caryn James, reviewing the "Seinfeld" series finale, "The New York Times"

Touchy problem for "Seinfeld": how to disentangle George Costanza from his impending marriage to Susan. And the solution: kill her. In the season finale, she dropped dead licking wedding invitations.
        - John Carman, reviewing the May 1996 sweeps, "San Francisco Chronicle"

[From an article by John Carman in the San Francisco Chronicle - 14 Feb 1996]

Here are some of the reasons why Seinfeld is the modern poster boy for the male fear of romantic commitment, and why some of his Ms. Right's turned wrong in a heartbeat:
-- Jerry was driven to distraction, and ultimately extraction, by a date who ate her peas one at a time.
-- In the famous "Junior Mint'' episode from 1993, Jerry forgot his date's name, remembering only that it rhymed with a female body part.
-- Jerry was enraged because Jodi (Jennifer Coolidge), a professional masseuse he was dating, wouldn't give him a back-rub.
-- He lost his appetite for a girlfriend two seasons ago when she refused to share a piece of pie with him.
-- Tawni (Kimberly Campbell) was terrific until Jerry found a mysterious tube of fungus cream in her medicine cabinet.
-- Jane (Jami Gertz) got the dial tone after Jerry discovered she worked for a telephone sex service.
-- Jerry called it quits with another girlfriend because he couldn't make her laugh.
-- And with Marlene (Tracy Kolls) because she wasn't wowed by his nightclub act.
-- He ditched still another girlfriend after he found out she'd once dated the dreaded Newman (Wayne Knight). Even worse, it was Newman who broke off the relationship.
-- Last year, Jerry was dating a cop (Katherine Lanasa), but things went awry when he claimed he didn't watch "Melrose Place" and she wanted him to take a lie detector test.
-- Jerry spiked another relationship after his girlfriend (Catherine Keener) wrote him a letter. He later heard the same words on a TV show.
-- You'd think that only a woman worthy of Superman could hold Jerry's interest. Wrong. Teri Hatcher, who plays Lois Lane on "Lois & Clark,'' guest-starred on "Seinfeld" three years ago as a girlfriend named Sidra. Jerry dumped her because he thought -- mistakenly, it turned out -- that her figure was augmented by breast implants.

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