1x01 Pilot
"This show used to
be cutting edge political and social satire, but it’s gotten lobotomized
by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might
challenge their audience... We’re all being lobotomized by this country’s
most influential industry that’s just throwing in the towel on any endeavor
to do anything that doesn’t include the courting of 12 year old boys. And
not even the smart 12 year olds. The stupid ones. The idiots. Which there
are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network, so why don’t you
just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead."
- Wes, starting his speech
"A struggle between
art and commerce. Well, there’s always been a struggle between art and
commerce. And now I’m telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And it’s
making us mean, and it’s making us bitchy. It’s making us cheap punks.
That’s not who we are!"
- Wes, getting into his stride
"...Every once in a
while we pretend to be appalled... Pornographers! It’s not even good pornography.
They’re just this side of snuff films. And friends, that’s what’s next
because that’s all that’s left. And the two things that make them scared
gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively
horny at the very mention of a boycott."
- Wes, letting fly at everything
"They broke up."
"Oh no! Why?"
"Cause he couldn’t
stop himself from speaking."
- Danny, discussing Matt and Harriet
"I didn’t do anything
to her. She said “I was great by the way, I got a standing ovation.” And
I said very sincerely, “Harriet, I’m sure you were great, but it was the
national anthem. They were standing already.”"
- Matt
"I’m the only sane
person I know."
- Matt
"We’re not shooting
in Vancouver. I’m drawing the line on the insanity. Vancouver doesn’t look
like anything. It doesn’t even look like Vancouver. It looks like Boston,
California."
- Danny
"First of all, could
you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It
makes me sound like an idiot."
A"ctually, the consensus
is it makes me sound like an idiot."
- Harriet and Matt
"It’s gonna be our
show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time and I think that we
both know that most of the time, it’s gonna be me. You’re the big shoulders."
- Matt to Danny
1x02 The Cold Open
"Incredibly, he's the
only one that held it together. Now if anyone can think of any ways to
screw up that we haven't tried already, I'll be in my office."
- Jack, about Matt's press conference performance
"There couldn't be
a worse possible time not to be good at this."
- Matt, to the writing staff
"Stop reading the internet!"
- Simon, trying to stop Tom reading critical blogs
"Don’t give me your
very best or choose this week to complain about something, you’ll make
those decisions very easy."
- Danny, on staff changes
"Matt's gonna write
for the guys he knows so some of you need to be patient. I would also become
one of the guys he knows."
- Danny to the staff
"What the hell are
you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool
and I've just decided it’s no longer cool for grown men to dress as if
they’re in junior high school."
"It's comedy Matt."
"Not yet it’s not,
and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're
gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally."
- Matt to the staff
"Now, what is your
problem? That after you broke up with me, I went out with somebody else?
That’s what almost always happens."
"Not someone from
where I work. There are 17 strip clubs within a three block radius of this
place for you, not someone from my show."
"It's not your show,
it’s mine. And there are only five strip clubs within the three block radius,
I spent my twenties in this theater."
- Matt and Harriet
"I love him to death
but we're friends. And when we're both without somebody, sometimes we wind
up with each other."
- Jeannie, discussing Matt with Harriet
"So there's a percentage
of the population hoping for the world to come to an end? ...You'd think
they'd be rooting us on."
- Jack, on life as a network head
"Would you just enjoy
the moment? Would you please just live in what's happening right now and
not just time travel to the next-"
- Danny, not letting Matt spoil a good show
"They never lose, Jordan.
They always win."
"And they might this
time, but I’m not going down in the first round."
- Jack and Jordan, discussing nervous sponsors
"We'll be the very
model of a modern network TV show..."
- Matt
1x03 The Focus Group
"Since when did Democrat
or Republican become a demographic distinction we care about in the entertainment
industry?"
- Jordon
"You’d be amazed what
500 dollars can buy. So now you know. Thieves get rich, saints get shot,
and God don’t answer prayers a lot."
- Jack
"They were asked if
it was patriotic or unpatriotic? It’s a television show, it’s not the Iwo
Jima memorial."
- Danny
"I’d be happy to take
shots at the Democrats too, if only one of them would say or do something."
- Matt
"I think four years
ago you saw your career flash in front of your eyes."
"I did... And it wasn’t
an easy career to come by."
- Danny and Matt
"First thing Monday,
you sit down with Shelly, your lawyer and our lawyer and you tell them
every detail you can think of."
"Okay, but there’s
gonna need to be an open bar."
- Jack and Jordan
"What percent of Studio
60’s audience do I need to retain to keep playing tough with the Christian
right?"
"You need to retain
90% to keep playing at all."
- Jordan and Jack
"You know, you look
like one of them, but you talk like one of us."
- Danny to Jordan
1x04 The West Coast Delay
"She believes the world
was created in six days, and that’s not even among the top three reasons
why we’re not together."
- Matt, about Harriet
"Somewhere in the world
there’s a sporting event going on! Have somebody stay on top of the score"
- Matt, needing to prove the show is live
"Isn’t Matt’s psycho
obsession with you problematic enough for us without you making out with
baseball players in front of him?"
- Danny to Harriet
"Looks like there are
bench warrants out for half our audience."
- Matt
1x05 The Long Lead Story
"I agree with everything
you said, but if I had said it, I would have used more sophisticated adjectives."
- Danny to Jordan
"Is that okay with
you?"
"What?"
"Drinking in front
of you?"
"We’re in a bar."
- Jordan and Danny
"You know what we're
gonna do tonight at the Wrap Party? We're gonna find you your rebound girl,
an intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate, we’re not looking for a girl
with a PhD in string theory or anything, okay? There’ll be at least half
a dozen women there who’ve been on the cover of FHM. That's whats for you
right now."
- Danny to Matt
"Trust me. Trust my
face."
"You are-"
"Twice divorced."
"And you have-"
"No one in my life
at the moment."
"And you haven’t for-"
"Quite some time."
"Okay."
- Danny to Matt
"If you want her to
cook the meal, you gotta let her shop for the groceries."
- Wilson, ordering Jack to give Jordan a free hand
"Who said that?"
"Who said what?"
"If you want me to
cook the meal, you gotta let me shop for the groceries."
"Bill Parcells."
"Who’s that?"
"A football coach
who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years."
- Jordan and Jack
"I’ll say this about
you guys, you look out for each other. You’re not very good at doing it,
but it’s nice to see the effort."
- Martha, about the Studio gang
1x06 The Wrap Party
"It was a close call.
I nearly had a Matt relapse, but I’m fine."
- Harriet
"I’m crazy about him,
and I’ll tell you why."
"He’s a professional
athlete and has the body of one?"
"No, it’s because
he’s the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt, he’s not snide, he’s not smug,
he’s not superior, he goes to church, he works with his hands... by and
large, unburdened by… what?"
"Thought?"
"He thinks."
"About what?"
"I’m looking forward
to discovering that tonight."
- Harriet and Jeannie
"He works for a living,
don’t be an ass!"
- Simon, reminding Tom to be polite to his parents
"This is my number,
if you ever feel like coffee or a basketball game or something. And if
you could give a copy of this to the girl who plays the kid on your show,
too?"
- Matt to Lauren Graham of "The Gilmore Girls"
"I find myself in the
market for some new friends, so just so you know, if anything develops
in that arena, I’m open to it."
- Jordan to Dylan and Alex at the party
"I saw a murder up
close when I was 15. 3 guys shot a friend of ours 10 times in the chest
with .38s. You know, it doesn’t look like it does in the movies. Ask a
homicide cop, it ain’t poetry in motion, it’s…. Everything inside comes
out of every part of you."
- Simon
"I can see it from
my pool, Matt, and if I don’t reach in there and grab as many as I can
carry, every day, then I deserve to get sent right back to it.
- Simon, on life in South Central
"I’m not sure I’m in
step with the rest of the African-American community. I mean, I carry the
scars of slavery just like everybody else, but somehow, it’s important
for me to know that, while slaves, we were good while stacked up to other
slaves throughout history, and I don’t know if we were. You know, I’m looking
at the Pyramids of Egypt, which were built by slaves, and I’m thinking
to myself, “Whoa. Nobody told us we could use geometry.” God sent the Hebrew
slaves Moses, and don’t get me wrong, I like the Emancipation Proclamation,
but the Hebrews got a burning bush, plague, slaying of the firstborn, parting
of the Red Sea… we got a memo."
- Darius
"I don’t think the
way I’m supposed to think."
- Darius
"You just got your
ass kicked."
"I know that, too.
It was my ass."
- Simon and Darius
"You grew up near SC."
"How’d you know that?"
"South or north of
the park?"
"South."
"East or west of Minlow?"
"East."
"That’s mostly dead
end streets."
"I live on one that’s
not."
"I did, too."
- Simon and Darius
"I want to thank you
for helping Jordan to acquire for NBS a television series about the United
Nations, ‘cause that’s got smash hit written all over it. I’m thinking
of premiering it against the Super Bowl. America’s been waiting for a show
about negotiating lasting peace in the Sudan. I hope we’ll hold off on
the debate over humanitarian aid to Darfur until Fall Sweeps! Ah, doesn’t
matter! Any episode will be a winner as long as it’s about the UN! ‘Cause
Americans are just crazy about the UN! We just can’t get enough of their
freewheeling, sexy, buccaneer style. I foresee a couple of problems, like
the fact that no one at the UN speaks the same language, but that’s okay,
because if there’s one thing every teenager loves, it’s subtitles! You
see it as part of your job to screw with my company, don’t you?"
"No, I do not, it’s
just one of the perks."
- Jack, with a brilliant, drunken rail at Danny
1x07 Nevada Day (1)
"What’s NBS?"
"It’s a national network of broadcasting
system- it’s the National Broadcasting System. It’s a corporation that-"
"I had these guys going, you see that? You’re
idiots, did you know that? I’m a judge. Do you really think I go around
calling people Japs and ordering deputies to shoot lawyers? You think I’m
some kind of backwater red state moron that hasn’t heard of NBS? I own
a television."
- Judge Bebe, having fun at Jack's expense
"Yesterday one of my fellow cast members,
Harriet Hayes, was quoted in a gossip column, saying…"
"This has got to be a hell of a story not
to start why you’re dressed like a shepherd."
- Tom and Judge Bebe
"She’s also intoxicated by American popular
culture."
"How intoxicated?"
"Teenage girls are teenage girls."
" I don’t care where they come from or how
good they play the viola. She’s going to be our way into Macau. She wants
to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60."
"Tom Jeter."
"Her father promised her she could. He wants
to look like a big deal in Hollywood in front of her. Fathers of daughters.
They’re also the same anywhere you go."
- Wilson and Jack, discussing Kim
"We’re this close. I just drove us 99 yards
down that field. Take it the last yard. Put it in the damn house."
"It’s really Jeter she wants to meet?"
"One more yard. In the end zone."
- Wilson and Jack, trying to close the Macau deal
"Matt, you’ll be able to have a character
tell another character to do something to himself that is anatomically
impossible. You’ll be able to do it at eight o’ clock on a Sunday before
you’ll be able to use God or Jesus as an expletive."
"I can only write Jesus or Christ when I’m
referring to Jesus Christ."
"Yes."
"Let me tell you something. If Jesus was
the head of standards and practices, he would pimp slap the whole lot of
us, and not because we used his name in— Jesus as the head of Standards
and Practices."
"And there’s your Monday morning sketch...
You see how I did that?"
- Danny and Matt
"Is there gonna be a story in the papers
that I beat a guy up?"
"Sometimes that enhances a guy’s reputation."
"This guy was gay."
- Tom and Detective Trentanelli
"I want you to fight Jack a little bit before
you give in... Jack needs to win one. He’s a very proud man, I’ve taken
his legs out four times in a row. Hiring you, putting Crazy Christians
on the air, rejecting Search and Destroy, and buying Nations. Fight him
for five rounds and then take a dive. Make it look good."
- Jordan to Danny
"She thumbed her nose at money-printing Search
and Destroy because it didn’t meet her moral standards while letting HBO
bid her up on a commercially untenable show about the United Nations. She
has a sordid sex history— Which will continue to get more sordid as her
psycho loser ex-husband lobs bombs at us every time he feels the spot light
dimming a little. She’s getting chummy with the artists when she should
be chummy with the TMG brass and a boss to the talent. She delights in
tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does."
"That is not true. No one delights in tweaking
the religious community nearly as much as Matt does."
"And she seldom raises her voice."
"Why is that bad?"
"It’s not. It’s good. I like it, I like
her. I’m rooting for her. But if her firing is inevitable, then I have
to be the one to do it, not the parent company or I’ll be weakened."
"Well, yeah, but if you stood up for her…"
"I am standing by her right now, why the
hell do you think she hasn’t been fired already?"
- Jack and Danny, discussing Jordan
"I should be on that plane, too. Danny wouldn’t
let me go."
"Well we are running low on cast members
and executive producers."
- Harriet and Matt
"I don’t even know what the sides are in
the culture wars."
"Well, your side hates my side because you
think we think you’re stupid and my side hates your side because we think
you’re stupid."
- Harriet and Matt
1x08 Nevada Day (2)
"I can’t believe I’m
getting a chance to say this, the show must go on."
- Matt
"Well, it all started
like this: Harriet was born and became a homophobe."
- Matt
"Did you just punch
the wall?"
"Yeah."
"Did the wall have
it coming?"
"The wall was a victim
of displaced anger. If you examine the wall, you’ll see it’s a veritable
hieroglyphic of meetings in Matt’s office."
- Jordan and Harriet
"You shouldn’t be appearing
with groups that oppose gay marriage."
"Are you censoring
me?"
"Don’t put it like
that."
"Give me another way
to put it."
- Jordan and Harriet
"I’m in a position
to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulter’s."
- Harriet
"We’re going to be
fine. The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy in the governor’s
office. The judge’s name is Bobby Bebe. I’m in the middle of an episode
of 'Walker: Texas Ranger'."
- Danny, in middle of nowhere Nevada
"Can I ask you something?
Sometimes I hear people calling other people 'sir'; there doesn’t seem
to be a pattern to when and who. I don’t want to be impolite, but I don’t
want to look like an idiot, either, so – Who gets called sir?"
"There aren’t any
rules to it. It’ll come naturally, like calling a conductor 'Maestro' when
he’s in the vicinity of the podium. You know, we get to Friday night, the
more you hear Matt and Danny called 'sir'. Cal, too, department heads,
anybody who deserves it. It’s not a big deal."
"Okay. Is this a white
people thing, or –"
"I’m not white, Darius,
I’m English."
"Put that line in
the damn sketch."
- Darius and Lucy, in the writers' room
"I’ll be honest with
you, Dylan, I really don’t, you know, I don’t pay attention to other men’s
bodies... I’m homophobic in the way that makes sense."
- Matt
"You can tell the governor
he can find a new ATM machine!"
- Jack
"Stop thinking everybody
between 5th Avenue and the Hollywood Bowl just stepped barefoot out of
the cast of 'Hee-Haw.' Tell your friends about it."
- Judge Bebe, with some advice for the Studio 60 crew
"Not everyone can be
as indifferent toward making money as you are."
- Jack
"You have no idea what
I do. If you had my job for a day, you’d sit in the middle of the room
and cry."
"Maybe, but if you
had my job for a day you’d lose a couple hundred million dollars of other
people’s money and not care."
- Danny and Jack
"My company doesn’t
have honor. One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations
because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically
abused... Sir, out of Jordan McDeere’s faults, and there are many, lack
of honor isn’t one of them. She’s killing me with her honor. So I’m sorry,
Mr. Zhang, you have insulted me, and you have insulted my company, and
I think you should take your business to TimeWarner."
- Jack, with some misplaced chivalry
"Matthew, are you crazy
about me or just crazy?"
- Harriet
1x09 The Option Period
"...Then she asked
us all to pray for peace in the Midwest."
"I'm sure she meant
Middle East."
"I know she meant
Middle East."
- Cal and Ron, after Jessica Simpson has to improvise
"Who's the supervisor
for the script department, Rick? You want me to chew out a bunch of interns
who drive 1992 Honda Civics or do you think it should be you two?"
- Cal to Ricky and Ron
"Indiana, Illinois,
Missouri. Are rebel forces gathering?"
"No."
"Then why are we praying
for peace in the Midwest?"
"Girl's nice to look
at."
- Matt and Danny
"I'm going to make
myself a drink and weep."
- Matt, trying to escape Jordan and Danny
"Is he in therapy?"
"Nah, he's got me."
- Jordan and Danny, discussing Matt
"Does he always have
to get right to the point? Does he ever give you the feeling that you're
not impeding his path to the more important thing he has to do someplace
else?"
- Jordan, discussing Danny with Matt
"Not one of those cheerleaders
would be interested in going out with me after tonight's show."
- Matt
"Matt would have fired
the more senior guys, Lucy, as soon as their contracts were up. You're
good looking and you have a British accent; he's not going to let you go
anywhere."
"Why, Richard, that's
the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my writing."
- Ricky and Lucy
"Have McDeere tie up
the option again; she'll do whatever the cool guys tell her to do."
"That's the first
time anyone's accused me of being cool. And I don't think you know Jordan
McDeere very well, because she has yet to do anything that anyone has told
her to do. 'Matt, Danny, we have this opportunity to do this thing at FOX.
Will you help us out?' That's how a man talks. Do you care that we didn't
do a very good show tonight?"
"I thought it was
fine, Matt. But I'm sorry if your ego can't sustain a week of not being
called a genius."
- Ricky and Matt
"Are we going to be
fired?"
"Nope, you're just
going to wish you'd been."
- Lucy and Matt
"When I took the job,
I decided I wanted to pretend I only had a year to live. Seriously, I mean,
what would you do if you had my job and you only had a year to live and
no one knew it? You ever play that game? ...Maybe I don't have to pretend
any more."
- Jordan to Danny
"This is both good
and profitable."
"Yeah."
"You know how that
confuses me."
- Danny and Cal, discussing Cal's ingenious marketing idea
1x10 B-12
"What happened?"
"Real life."
- Martha and Danny, after Danny has to pull a sketch
"Listen, it's on the
news. The guy killed his family, and then himself."
"No!"
"Yeah, he did it in
the wrong order."
- Simon and Harriet
"Not be insensitive,
but you fainted in drag and we're probably not gonna let you forget that
soon."
- Harriet, to a flu-stricken Dylan
"You can't tell a joke...
Like a young child, you hear a joke, get it, and then can't reconstruct
the moving part."
- Matt to Harriet
"You think he can help?"
"If he can't, at least
it'll be a mitzvah."
"A what?"
"A mitzvah: a nice
thing to do. It'll be good luck."
- Danny and Matt, discussing Andy
"They're trying, but
they know they're not getting anything on the air. Lesson one is they gotta
live and die on Friday night. They gotta feel like success in a three minute
sketch is the same thing as love and they gotta fear failure like it's
grim death. They gotta be every bit as damaged as you are."
"...I try to yell
at them as often as I can."
"That's a good start,
but it's not good enough... Toss them in the river... Give their sketch
a spot at the dress tonight. Let them hear what three hundred people not
laughing sounds like."
- Andy and Matt discuss the junior staff writers
"Nobody here knows
how to operate an umbrella?"
- Matt, greeting another drenched colleague
"Jeannie and Tom aren't
gonna make it... They look like they've got something you can only catch
in Africa."
- Matt, beset by sickness
"What can I tell you,
Jordan? You got two lives, okay? The real one, and the character you play
in the press."
- Jack to Jordan
"Make sure she doesn't
give me the shot!"
- Jordan to Danny
1x11 The Christmas Show
"It’s strange that
you’re here."
"I don’t think so.
There are lots of men here."
"They’re the fathers."
- Jordan and Danny, waiting for her checkup
"Why are you here?"
"Morale."
"I really don’t need
help."
"Not now, but you
will soon, because this says you’re going to have to make a journey of
1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud... Wait, that can’t be you.
That’s an Alaskan king crab that has to do that."
- Jordan and Danny
"Why won’t you tell
me who the father is?"
"You don’t know him."
"I don’t want to know
him."
"How do you know?"
"Because if it was
someone I wanted to know, he’d be here."
- Danny and Jordan
"Ah, the husband?"
"We’re not married."
"The boyfriend, then."
"No, I’m the executive
producer."
- Jordan and Danny meet her Doctor
"How is it that I’m
Jewish and I’m the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it,
how is it that I’m the only Jew in a comedy writers’ room?"
- Matt
"You’re caring more
about other people than you usually do."
"You’re the one who
just said, 'What’s she going to do about the upfronts?'"
"Mine was an idle
question, then I moved on to other things in my head."
- Matt and Danny, discussing Jordan
"You just defended
her."
"What’s wrong with
that?"
"For starters, no
one’s attacking her."
- Matt and Danny, discussing Jordan
"You think he cast
me so he can sleep with me?"
"No, I think he cast
you so he can marry you and sleep with other people."
- Harriet and Matt
"I know that’s no woman’s
dream of a man, or of a father; nonetheless, I believe I’m falling in love
with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you better get a head start
‘cause I’m coming for you, Jordan."
- Danny
"Where did you go?"
"I went to a place
called,'Say it, say it, say it!' I said it, okay?"
- Matt and Danny
1x12 Monday
"What’s it like to
be pregnant?"
"I don’t know how
to succinctly answer that question."
- Hallie and Jordan
"Every other network
had a VP of illiterate programming—"
"Alternative programming."
- Jordan and Hallie, starting off on the wrong foot
"There’s another pretty
girl at the dance and this one’s not pregnant."
- Hallie, closing off with Jordan
"I’m completely behind
teen abstinence. I’m just saying, as a former teen, it’s not gonna happen."
- Matt
"Can you find me some
nonprofit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these
guys do So I can donate an equal amount to them and make it a wash?"
- Matt, with moral qualms about donating to teen abstinence charities
"Keep in mind that
sh’es a lovely young woman, who’s a guest in our country, and who also
just got clocked by a guy who for reasons passing understanding, she was
in love with. So you should proceed with character and maturity."
- Matt, with some advice for Tom about Lucy
"Mary Poppins."
- Simon's name for Lucy after hearing too many Britishisms
"Tom’s asked me out
on a date. And I was just…. Wanted a moment to shower and change into nice
clothes… And then the date. I could come back here right after. He appears
to be a gentleman."
"He is."
"And very cute."
"I really can’t speak
to that."
- Lucy, looking for time off from Matt
1x13 The Harriet Dinner (1)
"There comes a time
in every great man’s life when he needs a favor from someone like you."
"What does someone
like me usually say?"
"Well. They’re usually
to scared to say anything but yes."
"I hear that."
"You remember Zhiang
Tao and his daughter Kim?"
"Yeah."
"I need a favor from
Zhiang."
"Well, you should
ask him just the way you’re asking me."
"No. Because he’s
a person of considerable importance."
- Jack and Tom
"Have I done something
wrong?"
"Probably. That’s
not what this is about. Kim is a viola prodigy…. That is a huge source
of pride for her father... She wants to give up the viola and take up doing
what you do — comedy. That would be a huge source of shame for her father...
I’m going to say something now and when I do, I want you to look at me
because when you look at me, you’re going to know that I’m not employing
hyperbole. The fate of Western Civilization rests on you talking her out
of it."
- A worried Tom and Jack
"But I have a date
Thursday night."
"A date with destiny
Tom."
"No, a date with Lucy
Kenwright."
- Tom and Jack
"Tom, you know I'm
someone who doesn't like to rely on other people. So you have to know that
I really appreciate this."
- Jack to Tom
"What are you going
to wear?"
"I was going to dress
like a girl."
- Darius and Lucy, discussing her date
"You've got to pay
more attention to your general tone of voice with me."
- Simon to Darius
"Progress report."
"I'm doing my best!"
"Your best isn't going
to do it, Tom. You're going to need to do somebody else's best."
- Jack and Tom
"Kim, you're twenty
years-old, right?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, just 'cause
I'm a little responsible for you tonight, I wanted to tell you that the
legal drinking age in California is twenty-one."
"What's the age for
taking you back to my hotel room and dancing for you?"
"Eighteen."
"Thank you."
- Tom, Kim and Simon
"Girl you are on fire.
The guy who designed that dress — he took one look at you and said I think
I got an idea."
- Simon to Kim
"I felt sorry for you
for what?"
"For being pregnant
by myself."
- Danny and
Jordan
"You're not in love
with me."
"I'll be in charge
of who I'm in love with, ok?"
- Jordan and Danny
"What damn Harriet
crime have I committed now?"
- Matt, after Harriet finds outs about his auction bid
"Cal, I can go to my
place, get him, be back here in 45 minutes, this will all be over."
"Alright, alright
get the coyote, to get the ferret, that was sent after the snake, but Beevo
here's my question just so I know."
"Yeah?"
"What goes in after
the coyote?"
- Beevo and Cal
1x14 The Harriet Dinner (2)
"Great, I'll do select
scenes from Weekend At Bernies."
- Simon, covering up a passed-out Kim
"She's twenty years
old Tom."
"She's Courteney Love
Jack."
- Jack and Tom, about Kim
"Let's go back four
days to when you didn't want me but didn't want anyone else to have me."
- Harriet to Matt
"You can't walk away
so you're burning down the house?"
- Harriet to Matt, about their relationship
"I was trying to get
past the visual of you playing field hockey."
- Danny to Jordan
"Are you trying to
say the word bum?"
"That's not a very
nice word."
"Oh, I see, there's
a man down there who's both housing and employment challenged."
- Danny and Jordan
"She's blonde."
"Nazi sonofabitch."
- Jordan, trying to spread her dislike of Hallie to Danny
"You're scared of blonde
executives."
"You're scared of
snakes."
"Everybody's scared
of snakes!"
- Danny and Jordan
"You know, a lot of
women would have found that charming."
"A lot of women would
have?"
"I think so."
"They usually do,
do they?"
"You can reject me
or you can be jealous of me but you can't do both at the same time."
- Danny and Jordan
"You've never been
rejected by a woman before?"
"Not this many times
by the same woman in one night."
- Jordan and Danny
"The coyote is afraid
of the snake. And the ferret is afraid of the coyote."
- Cal, on a three way Mexican standoff
"A snake got loose."
"How many hours ago?"
"Tuesday."
- Cal and Danny
"Matt and I hired you
for two reasons: you're talented and you're black — in that order."
- Simon to Darius
"We've broken up about
fifty times but this time we weren't even going out."
- Matt, realising it's over with Harriet
1x15 The Friday Night Slaughter
"Hi, this is Jordan
McDeere. I'm the President of NBS west coast entertainment."
"Yes ma'am."
"I'm concerned that
not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest."
- Jordan, trying reverse psych on Danny
"I'm gonna kiss you
first."
"No! You can't right
here, I've checked it out. There are public sightlines this way, this way,
that way, that way, this way. There is a dead space under your desk but
there isn't room enough for the both of us, so just cool off."
"It's almost like
you're St. Valentine himself."
- Danny and Jordan
"You hear this voice?
This voice is authoratative, confident. This voice is always right."
- Danny to Jordan
"You graceless homicidal
bastards. I think if you go check the stage, you'll find jokes lying on
the floor where you left them to die."
- Andy, unimpressed with Tom and Dillon's performance
"Should someone have
indicated to you on a map where Canada is? Because your Canadian accent
was Mexican!"
- Andy to Tom
1x16 The 4am Miracle
"It'll all come together
on Wednesday night."
"Then why do I pay
you guys for Monday and Tuesday?"
- Danny and Jordan
"A hundred bucks says
you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave her tonight."
"Really?"
"Anytime we want we
can hook it up to the computer and it'll give us full information. Sleepting,
eating diaper changes. Any big blows to the head or torso."
- Jordan, with a challenge for Danny
"You're shaking it
like it's a snow globe!"
"Does smacking the
mother ever help?"
- Jordan and Danny, trying to get the 'baby' to stop crying
"What about the computer
chip?"
"Baby thinks it slept
three hours..."
- Danny and Cal, covering up the baby's accident
"I'll tell you what
happened, that baby was in an accident, as babies sometimes are and I rushed
it immediately to a doctor of some sort!"
"What kind of accident?"
"A freak accident!"
"What kind of freak
accident?!"
"It was decapitated
in an 18th century French guillotine."
"Uh huh, and what
kind of doctor?"
"Our property master
and our director of special effects."
- Danny, breaking the bad news to Jordan
"Well, now we know
not to put the baby's head in a guillotine."
- Danny
"I'm trying to lose
ten pounds."
"Well, don't do that
either... You're perfect!"
"Stop making fun of
me."
"I'm not! Look at
you!"
"Stop it."
"If I was a little
younger, less famous, and made a little less money, I would..."
"Thank you."
- Matt, trying to cheer up Suzanne
"You should go home."
"I go home when you
go home."
"I mightn't even go
home."
"You should go home
a little."
- Matt and Suzanne
"I wasn't here. I was
stealing a screenplay from five different people."
- Matt, with a watertight alibi
"Are you asking me
out on a date?"
"Actually I was asking
you to ask me out on a date."
- Matt and Mary Tate
1x17 The Disaster Show
"If a bomb goes off
after we got a warning, do you know what will happen to our insurance premiums?"
"Yeah. Plus people
will get hurt."
"I guess it would
be fundamentally wrong of me to leave the building, get in my car, drive
as far away as possible."
"Yeah, I’m going to
go back to work."
- Jack and Cal
"This is live TV, this
isn't your little White House show where you get to do it again... Every
couple of years we have a disaster show. This is it."
- Tom to Allison Janney
"Loved you on Chicago
Hope."
"That was Christine
Lahti."
- Jack and Allison Janney
"I wanted to come up
with a good lie. One that showed respect to you."
- Simon to Stephanie
"She would have looked
nice in a swimsuit."
- Lucy, after she blows Simon's chances with Stephanie
"I believe him. But
just in case can we handcuff them to the building overnight?"
- Jack, after the bomb hoaxers are caught
"All right. You know
what? That's it... The whole night has been a complete disaster. The prop
guys walked out because Danny Tripp is an idiot! And there were no cue
cards."
- Allison Janney, blaming everything on Josh...
"Tell me you still
didn’t have the time of your life tonight."
- Cal to Allison Janney
1x18 Breaking News
"You look at the pictures
of all the old writers — all my heroes wear coats and ties."
- Matt, suiting up for the show
"He's the boss, Danny.
He works in the real world."
"And what world do
I work in?"
- Jordan and Danny, as Jack is unhappy with the ratings
"In my neighbourhood
we had a saying: 'You go first and we'll see if you get shot'."
- Simon
"Not many comedy writers
dated the prom queen."
- Harriet to Mary
"You're too hard on
yourself."
"You know who isn't
too hard on themselves? Amateurs."
- Lucy and Tom, after he has a rough show
1x19 K & R Part I
"Didn't we have this
fight once before?"
"Didn't we have every
fight once before?"
- Matt, Harriet
"Didn't we win this
war once already?"
- Tom, on the Afghanistan situation
"Afghanistan after
you bomb it looks a lot like Afghanistan before you bomb it."
- Matt, back in 2001
"It looks like the
F16s are giving the Afghans a good skewering right now without our comedy
backup."
- Matt to Luke
"Nice guy. Never smiles.
Except today."
- Matt, after Andy becomes a dad
"Why can't I make fun
of Christians?"
"Because we're the
good guys this time and even you know it."
- Matt and Harriet, still in 2001
"You know what we could
do? Your own network research says that the number one audience manipulator
among women is a pregnancy in jeopardy. How about if..."
- Danny
"What's the strangest
reason anyone's ever given you for breaking a date?"
- Matt to Mary
"I know your politics
and I share them, well, except to the irrational loony stuff... No taking
shots at Americans"
- Jack, to Matt and Danny, in 2001
"Hollywood is in America!"
"No. It isn't."
- Jack, urging Matt to let fly at Hollywood
"We've been having
this argument for eight years... You really would have thought that one
of us would have won by now."
- Matt (and the audience) to Harriet
"Why do you have to
believe in the divinity of Jesus to know that robbing a bank is wrong?"
- Matt to Harriet
1x20 K & R Part II
"You can't be trying
to tell me that my brother's up there because I made fun of Mohamed tonight!"
"Yeah, kid. I'm sure
the Taliban watches Studio 60. Maybe they Tivo it."
"What is your job
here?"
"Comfort."
"You're not very good
at it."
"I keep trying to
tell them that."
- Tom and Captain Boyle
"If you want to hit
me it's okay. Looking at you and looking at me, it doesn't seem like it'll
hurt."
- Captain Boyle to Tom
"Please try to remember,
we don't have lives. Don't get us fired. There's nothing else in my life
right now."
- Danny to Matt, trying not to blow their big chance after 9/11
"Where are you gonna
get a police escort?"
"I will commit a crime
if I have to and lead them on a high-speed chase."
- Danny and Matt, getting desperate
1x21 K & R Part III
"'No wonder they want
to kill us?' That's what you said? 'I live here and I want to kill us'?"
- Jack, quoting Simon's words back to him
"You're gonna apologise
before sunrise."
"You wanna bet?"
"My paycheck against
yours."
- Jack and Simon
"I'm Jewish. I wanted
to kill Arabs long before any of you."
- Matt, saying the quiet part loud
"I don't think you're
allowed to sleep with Luke and care about what I want at the same time."
- Matt to Harriet
"How far away are you
from this?"
"I'm a sexual harassmenr
lawyer. I'm not the A-team."
- Jack and Mary, discussing a ransom
"The doctor’s giving
my mother a sedative called 'Atrividium'."
"Yeah."
"My father’s taking
shots of a sedative called 'Johnny Walker Red'."
- Tom and Captain Boyle
"He went from zero
to stupid in 4.5 seconds."
- Captain Boyle, about Simon's outburst
"This is all just history
repeating."
- Tom
"Unless it's with my
mom or girlfriend when I say sorry I like to mean it."
- Matt to Jack
"I looked a lot better
when the day started."
- Mary, after twenty hours in the same clothes
"This isn't the time
to be polite. Danny is looking at his daughter right now — but she isn't
his daughter."
- Mary, with some hard choices for Matt
1x22 What Kind of Day Has It Been?
"That's my daughter.
I never felt so much like a man as when I said that."
- Danny
"We know how to fight
and we know how to win... We both know where this war's been lost."
- Captain Boyle to Tom
"When you're married
you say sorry a lot: when you don't mean it, when you don't even know what
the hell you could have done wrong..."
- Jack to Simon
"You can't make a decision
like that in the two minutes it takes to walk back from the NBS building."
"I didn't need the
whole two minutes."
- Harriet and Danny, in flashback
"The sun is not fully
up!"
- Jack, disputing a bet with Simon
"Do you have a problem
if I date a cast member?"
"Is it me?"
"No."
"Then no."
- Matt, gauging the mood of the crew
"I'm not crying. I
was calm throughout the whole ordeal."
- Cal, translating Lucy's whimpers
"I'm all for it — but
not in front of me."
- Danny, to Matt and Harriet
# TVSQUAD DOES STUDIO 60
1. No one cares about
what's going on behind the scenes of a late night comedy show.
2. Sarah Paulson isn't
funny.
3. The show isn't
funny.
4. Sorkin is too preachy!
5. There's no chemistry
between Paulson and Perry, and they focus on the Matt/Harriet plot too
much.
6. Amanda Peet isn't
believable/too young/too pretty to be a network exec.
- Tv Squad picks
the most common criticisms of "Studio 60"
I think they finally
found a way to make Harriet appealing: put her in a cheerleader uniform.
I might be hurting any chance of ever running for political office for
saying this, but I'm 100% in favor of all women having at least one of
each of the following outfits in their closet: cheerleader outfit, catholic
school girl uniform, and Princess Leia slave-girl bikini.
- Jay
Black, reviewing "The Harriet Dinner" episode for "TV Squad"
You just want the take
the show by its collar and say, "What's your problem? You had it all! A
great timeslot, network support, quality actors in every single supporting
role, and probably the best pilot of the last ten years! How the hell did
you get canceled!?"
- Jay Black
Here's what I loved
tonight: The red dress on Claire. Seriously, whoever that actress was could
start another Trojan War if she wanted to. Jeepers.
- Jay Black, from his "Disaster Show" review
I think there's something
particular to Studio 60 fans in that we really, really want the show to
be good. Being a Studio 60 fan is a lot like dating a girl that's unpopular
with your group of friends. Every time you go out with them, you feel the
need afterwards to justify why you're still dating her. "No, no, you guys
just don't get it! I know she keeps bringing up religion at inappropriate
times, but she's such an intelligent conversationalist!"
- Jay Black
When Nathan Corddry
got the script where his brother was captured in Iraq, did he put it down
and turn to Sarah Paulson and say with a sly smirk, "I thought we signed
up for a look at a comedy show, not The West Wing lite" only to have her
reply with, "at least you have something interesting to do, the whole world
hates me and I'm stuck trying to foist a Holly Hunter impression on Bradley
while the love of his life might be dying!"
- Jay Black, "TV Squad"
I'm not a religious
person, but every week I pray that Harriet and Matt don't talk about religion
on the show. Is that irony?
- Jay Black
Mr. Sharp-Suited-Super-Shark-With-a-Soul.
- Jay Black, on the character of Jack Rudolph
# BEYOND THE SHOW
As you'd expect from
a program written by Aaron Sorkin, the famously wordy creator of "The West
Wing," "Studio 60" is hyper-verbal, showily erudite, deeply politicized,
and for the most part, dazzlingly staged and acted by (among others) Matthew
Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, Sarah Paulson, and Steven Weber,
all of whom talk a mile a minute, and intelligently at that. In many ways
it really is the model for smart network television it so openly aspires
to be. Unfortunately, "Studio 60" can also be pompous, vainglorious, and
madly in love with the crackle of its own rata-tat-tat dialogue. Worst
of all, it pretends to be courageous about things that require little courage
— like railing against the Christian right at a time when Muslim fundamentalists
make your average evangelical look as threatening as a jelly bean. If you're
as obsessed by the dangers of religion as Mr. Sorkin, but can barely bring
your characters to mouth the word "Islam," you're inevitably going to look
like a phony.
- Brendan Bernhard, "The New York Sun"
Every single week,
we watched, waiting for what shoulda been an unbeatable combination of
premise, writers and actors to coalesce into the great show we pictured
in our heads. Instead, the best that we could consistently come up with
was that Matthew Perry was awesome (because he — and yeah, OK, Steven Weber
— has been the one great thing on this show), and after that...
- Jim Connelly, "Medialoper"
While virtually impossible
not to admire - even if, it should be noted, nobody admires it more than
it admires itself — Studio 60 is surprisingly hard to like. It's a very
unattractive quality, smugness! ...For all its attempts to conjure up some
of The West Wing's heart and soul, Studio 60 is effectively a drama about
light entertainment, and who the hell cares about that? It's probably the
most smug comedy drama ever made — a real shame when it coulda been a contender.
- Kathryn Flett, "So smart, yet so very smug", "The Observer"
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