STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

1x01 Pilot

"This show used to be cutting edge political and social satire, but itís gotten lobotomized by a candy-ass broadcast network hell-bent on doing nothing that might challenge their audience... Weíre all being lobotomized by this countryís most influential industry thatís just throwing in the towel on any endeavor to do anything that doesnít include the courting of 12 year old boys. And not even the smart 12 year olds. The stupid ones. The idiots. Which there are plenty, thanks in no small measure to this network, so why donít you just change the channel? Turn off your TVs, do it right now, go ahead."
        - Wes, starting his speech

"A struggle between art and commerce. Well, thereís always been a struggle between art and commerce. And now Iím telling you art is getting its ass kicked. And itís making us mean, and itís making us bitchy. Itís making us cheap punks. Thatís not who we are!"
        - Wes, getting into his stride

"...Every once in a while we pretend to be appalled... Pornographers! Itís not even good pornography. Theyíre just this side of snuff films. And friends, thatís whatís next because thatís all thatís left. And the two things that make them scared gutless are the FCC and every psycho religious cult that gets positively horny at the very mention of a boycott."
        - Wes, letting fly at everything

"They broke up."
"Oh no! Why?"
"Cause he couldnít stop himself from speaking."
        - Danny, discussing Matt and Harriet

"I didnít do anything to her. She said ďI was great by the way, I got a standing ovation.Ē And I said very sincerely, ďHarriet, Iím sure you were great, but it was the national anthem. They were standing already.Ē"
        - Matt

"Iím the only sane person I know."
        - Matt

"Weíre not shooting in Vancouver. Iím drawing the line on the insanity. Vancouver doesnít look like anything. It doesnít even look like Vancouver. It looks like Boston, California."
        - Danny

"First of all, could you stop telling people we broke up because of the national anthem? It makes me sound like an idiot."
A"ctually, the consensus is it makes me sound like an idiot."
        - Harriet and Matt

"Itís gonna be our show now, and only one of us can screw up at a time and I think that we both know that most of the time, itís gonna be me. Youíre the big shoulders."
        - Matt to Danny

1x02 The Cold Open

"Incredibly, he's the only one that held it together. Now if anyone can think of any ways to screw up that we haven't tried already, I'll be in my office."
        - Jack, about Matt's press conference performance

"There couldn't be a worse possible time not to be good at this."
        - Matt, to the writing staff

"Stop reading the internet!"
        - Simon, trying to stop Tom reading critical blogs

"Donít give me your very best or choose this week to complain about something, youíll make those decisions very easy."
        - Danny, on staff changes

"Matt's gonna write for the guys he knows so some of you need to be patient. I would also become one of the guys he knows."
        - Danny to the staff

"What the hell are you guys wearing? One of the things this show does is decide what's cool and I've just decided itís no longer cool for grown men to dress as if theyíre in junior high school."
"It's comedy Matt."
"Not yet itís not, and until it is, we're all gonna act professionally. You understand? We're gonna act, dress, talk, write, and behave professionally."
        - Matt to the staff

"Now, what is your problem? That after you broke up with me, I went out with somebody else? Thatís what almost always happens."
"Not someone from where I work. There are 17 strip clubs within a three block radius of this place for you, not someone from my show."
"It's not your show, itís mine. And there are only five strip clubs within the three block radius, I spent my twenties in this theater."
        - Matt and Harriet

"I love him to death but we're friends. And when we're both without somebody, sometimes we wind up with each other."
        - Jeannie, discussing Matt with Harriet

"So there's a percentage of the population hoping for the world to come to an end? ...You'd think they'd be rooting us on."
        - Jack, on life as a network head

"Would you just enjoy the moment? Would you please just live in what's happening right now and not just time travel to the next-"
        - Danny, not letting Matt spoil a good show

"They never lose, Jordan. They always win."
"And they might this time, but Iím not going down in the first round."
        - Jack and Jordan, discussing nervous sponsors

"We'll be the very model of a modern network TV show..."
        - Matt

1x03 The Focus Group

"Since when did Democrat or Republican become a demographic distinction we care about in the entertainment industry?"
        - Jordon

"Youíd be amazed what 500 dollars can buy. So now you know. Thieves get rich, saints get shot, and God donít answer prayers a lot."
        - Jack

"They were asked if it was patriotic or unpatriotic? Itís a television show, itís not the Iwo Jima memorial."
        - Danny

"Iíd be happy to take shots at the Democrats too, if only one of them would say or do something."
        - Matt

"I think four years ago you saw your career flash in front of your eyes."
"I did... And it wasnít an easy career to come by."
        - Danny and Matt

"First thing Monday, you sit down with Shelly, your lawyer and our lawyer and you tell them every detail you can think of."
"Okay, but thereís gonna need to be an open bar."
        - Jack and Jordan

"What percent of Studio 60ís audience do I need to retain to keep playing tough with the Christian right?"
"You need to retain 90% to keep playing at all."
        - Jordan and Jack

"You know, you look like one of them, but you talk like one of us."
        - Danny to Jordan

1x04 The West Coast Delay

"She believes the world was created in six days, and thatís not even among the top three reasons why weíre not together."
        - Matt, about Harriet

"Somewhere in the world thereís a sporting event going on! Have somebody stay on top of the score"
        - Matt, needing to prove the show is live

"Isnít Mattís psycho obsession with you problematic enough for us without you making out with baseball players in front of him?"
        - Danny to Harriet

"Looks like there are bench warrants out for half our audience."
        - Matt

1x05 The Long Lead Story

"I agree with everything you said, but if I had said it, I would have used more sophisticated adjectives."
        - Danny to Jordan

"Is that okay with you?"
"What?"
"Drinking in front of you?"
"Weíre in a bar."
        - Jordan and Danny

"You know what we're gonna do tonight at the Wrap Party? We're gonna find you your rebound girl, an intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate, weíre not looking for a girl with a PhD in string theory or anything, okay? Thereíll be at least half a dozen women there whoíve been on the cover of FHM. That's whats for you right now."
        - Danny to Matt

"Trust me. Trust my face."
"You are-"
"Twice divorced."
"And you have-"
"No one in my life at the moment."
"And you havenít for-"
"Quite some time."
"Okay."
        - Danny to Matt

"If you want her to cook the meal, you gotta let her shop for the groceries."
        - Wilson, ordering Jack to give Jordan a free hand

"Who said that?"
"Who said what?"
"If you want me to cook the meal, you gotta let me shop for the groceries."
"Bill Parcells."
"Whoís that?"
"A football coach who hasn't won a playoff game in nine years."
        - Jordan and Jack

"Iíll say this about you guys, you look out for each other. Youíre not very good at doing it, but itís nice to see the effort."
        - Martha, about the Studio gang

1x06 The Wrap Party

"It was a close call. I nearly had a Matt relapse, but Iím fine."
        - Harriet

"Iím crazy about him, and Iíll tell you why."
"Heís a professional athlete and has the body of one?"
"No, itís because heís the anti-Matt. Darren is the anti-Matt, heís not snide, heís not smug, heís not superior, he goes to church, he works with his hands... by and large, unburdened byÖ what?"
"Thought?"
"He thinks."
"About what?"
"Iím looking forward to discovering that tonight."
        - Harriet and Jeannie

"He works for a living, donít be an ass!"
        - Simon, reminding Tom to be polite to his parents

"This is my number, if you ever feel like coffee or a basketball game or something. And if you could give a copy of this to the girl who plays the kid on your show, too?"
        - Matt to Lauren Graham of "The Gilmore Girls"

"I find myself in the market for some new friends, so just so you know, if anything develops in that arena, Iím open to it."
        - Jordan to Dylan and Alex at the party

"I saw a murder up close when I was 15. 3 guys shot a friend of ours 10 times in the chest with .38s. You know, it doesnít look like it does in the movies. Ask a homicide cop, it ainít poetry in motion, itísÖ. Everything inside comes out of every part of you."
        - Simon

"I can see it from my pool, Matt, and if I donít reach in there and grab as many as I can carry, every day, then I deserve to get sent right back to it.
        - Simon, on life in South Central

"Iím not sure Iím in step with the rest of the African-American community. I mean, I carry the scars of slavery just like everybody else, but somehow, itís important for me to know that, while slaves, we were good while stacked up to other slaves throughout history, and I donít know if we were. You know, Iím looking at the Pyramids of Egypt, which were built by slaves, and Iím thinking to myself, ďWhoa. Nobody told us we could use geometry.Ē God sent the Hebrew slaves Moses, and donít get me wrong, I like the Emancipation Proclamation, but the Hebrews got a burning bush, plague, slaying of the firstborn, parting of the Red SeaÖ we got a memo."
        - Darius

"I donít think the way Iím supposed to think."
        - Darius

"You just got your ass kicked."
"I know that, too. It was my ass."
        - Simon and Darius

"You grew up near SC."
"Howíd you know that?"
"South or north of the park?"
"South."
"East or west of Minlow?"
"East."
"Thatís mostly dead end streets."
"I live on one thatís not."
"I did, too."
        - Simon and Darius

"I want to thank you for helping Jordan to acquire for NBS a television series about the United Nations, Ďcause thatís got smash hit written all over it. Iím thinking of premiering it against the Super Bowl. Americaís been waiting for a show about negotiating lasting peace in the Sudan. I hope weíll hold off on the debate over humanitarian aid to Darfur until Fall Sweeps! Ah, doesnít matter! Any episode will be a winner as long as itís about the UN! ĎCause Americans are just crazy about the UN! We just canít get enough of their freewheeling, sexy, buccaneer style. I foresee a couple of problems, like the fact that no one at the UN speaks the same language, but thatís okay, because if thereís one thing every teenager loves, itís subtitles! You see it as part of your job to screw with my company, donít you?"
"No, I do not, itís just one of the perks."
        - Jack, with a brilliant, drunken rail at Danny

1x07 Nevada Day (1)

"Whatís NBS?"
"Itís a national network of broadcasting system- itís the National Broadcasting System. Itís a corporation that-"
"I had these guys going, you see that? Youíre idiots, did you know that? Iím a judge. Do you really think I go around calling people Japs and ordering deputies to shoot lawyers? You think Iím some kind of backwater red state moron that hasnít heard of NBS? I own a television."
        - Judge Bebe, having fun at Jack's expense

"Yesterday one of my fellow cast members, Harriet Hayes, was quoted in a gossip column, sayingÖ"
"This has got to be a hell of a story not to start why youíre dressed like a shepherd."
        - Tom and Judge Bebe

"Sheís also intoxicated by American popular culture."
"How intoxicated?"
"Teenage girls are teenage girls."
" I donít care where they come from or how good they play the viola. Sheís going to be our way into Macau. She wants to meet Tim Jeter from Studio 60."
"Tom Jeter."
"Her father promised her she could. He wants to look like a big deal in Hollywood in front of her. Fathers of daughters. Theyíre also the same anywhere you go."
        - Wilson and Jack, discussing Kim

"Weíre this close. I just drove us 99 yards down that field. Take it the last yard. Put it in the damn house."
"Itís really Jeter she wants to meet?"
"One more yard. In the end zone."
        - Wilson and Jack, trying to close the Macau deal

"Matt, youíll be able to have a character tell another character to do something to himself that is anatomically impossible. Youíll be able to do it at eight oí clock on a Sunday before youíll be able to use God or Jesus as an expletive."
"I can only write Jesus or Christ when Iím referring to Jesus Christ."
"Yes."
"Let me tell you something. If Jesus was the head of standards and practices, he would pimp slap the whole lot of us, and not because we used his name inó Jesus as the head of Standards and Practices."
"And thereís your Monday morning sketch... You see how I did that?"
        - Danny and Matt

"Is there gonna be a story in the papers that I beat a guy up?"
"Sometimes that enhances a guyís reputation."
"This guy was gay."
        - Tom and Detective Trentanelli

"I want you to fight Jack a little bit before you give in... Jack needs to win one. Heís a very proud man, Iíve taken his legs out four times in a row. Hiring you, putting Crazy Christians on the air, rejecting Search and Destroy, and buying Nations. Fight him for five rounds and then take a dive. Make it look good."
        - Jordan to Danny

"She thumbed her nose at money-printing Search and Destroy because it didnít meet her moral standards while letting HBO bid her up on a commercially untenable show about the United Nations. She has a sordid sex historyó Which will continue to get more sordid as her psycho loser ex-husband lobs bombs at us every time he feels the spot light dimming a little. Sheís getting chummy with the artists when she should be chummy with the TMG brass and a boss to the talent. She delights in tweaking the religious community every bit as much as Matt does."
"That is not true. No one delights in tweaking the religious community nearly as much as Matt does."
"And she seldom raises her voice."
"Why is that bad?"
"Itís not. Itís good. I like it, I like her. Iím rooting for her. But if her firing is inevitable, then I have to be the one to do it, not the parent company or Iíll be weakened."
"Well, yeah, but if you stood up for herÖ"
"I am standing by her right now, why the hell do you think she hasnít been fired already?"
        - Jack and Danny, discussing Jordan

"I should be on that plane, too. Danny wouldnít let me go."
"Well we are running low on cast members and executive producers."
        - Harriet and Matt

"I donít even know what the sides are in the culture wars."
"Well, your side hates my side because you think we think youíre stupid and my side hates your side because we think youíre stupid."
        - Harriet and Matt

1x08 Nevada Day (2)

"I canít believe Iím getting a chance to say this, the show must go on."
       - Matt

"Well, it all started like this: Harriet was born and became a homophobe."
        - Matt

"Did you just punch the wall?"
"Yeah."
"Did the wall have it coming?"
"The wall was a victim of displaced anger. If you examine the wall, youíll see itís a veritable hieroglyphic of meetings in Mattís office."
        - Jordan and Harriet

"You shouldnít be appearing with groups that oppose gay marriage."
"Are you censoring me?"
"Donít put it like that."
"Give me another way to put it."
        - Jordan and Harriet

"Iím in a position to show them that Christianity has a nicer voice than Ann Coulterís."
        - Harriet

"Weíre going to be fine. The judge just left the room to take a call from a guy in the governorís office. The judgeís name is Bobby Bebe. Iím in the middle of an episode of 'Walker: Texas Ranger'."
        - Danny, in middle of nowhere Nevada

"Can I ask you something? Sometimes I hear people calling other people 'sir'; there doesnít seem to be a pattern to when and who. I donít want to be impolite, but I donít want to look like an idiot, either, so Ė Who gets called sir?"
"There arenít any rules to it. Itíll come naturally, like calling a conductor 'Maestro' when heís in the vicinity of the podium. You know, we get to Friday night, the more you hear Matt and Danny called 'sir'. Cal, too, department heads, anybody who deserves it. Itís not a big deal."
"Okay. Is this a white people thing, or Ė"
"Iím not white, Darius, Iím English."
"Put that line in the damn sketch."
        - Darius and Lucy, in the writers' room

"Iíll be honest with you, Dylan, I really donít, you know, I donít pay attention to other menís bodies... Iím homophobic in the way that makes sense."
        - Matt

"You can tell the governor he can find a new ATM machine!"
        - Jack

"Stop thinking everybody between 5th Avenue and the Hollywood Bowl just stepped barefoot out of the cast of 'Hee-Haw.' Tell your friends about it."
        - Judge Bebe, with some advice for the Studio 60 crew

"Not everyone can be as indifferent toward making money as you are."
        - Jack

"You have no idea what I do. If you had my job for a day, youíd sit in the middle of the room and cry."
"Maybe, but if you had my job for a day youíd lose a couple hundred million dollars of other peopleís money and not care."
        - Danny and Jack

"My company doesnít have honor. One of my guys spent the day in two different police stations because he came to the defense of a woman who was being verbally and physically abused... Sir, out of Jordan McDeereís faults, and there are many, lack of honor isnít one of them. Sheís killing me with her honor. So Iím sorry, Mr. Zhang, you have insulted me, and you have insulted my company, and I think you should take your business to TimeWarner."
        - Jack, with some misplaced chivalry

"Matthew, are you crazy about me or just crazy?"
        - Harriet

1x09 The Option Period

"...Then she asked us all to pray for peace in the Midwest."
"I'm sure she meant Middle East."
"I know she meant Middle East."
        - Cal and Ron, after Jessica Simpson has to improvise

"Who's the supervisor for the script department, Rick? You want me to chew out a bunch of interns who drive 1992 Honda Civics or do you think it should be you two?"
        - Cal to Ricky and Ron

"Indiana, Illinois, Missouri. Are rebel forces gathering?"
"No."
"Then why are we praying for peace in the Midwest?"
"Girl's nice to look at."
        - Matt and Danny

"I'm going to make myself a drink and weep."
        - Matt, trying to escape Jordan and Danny

"Is he in therapy?"
"Nah, he's got me."
        - Jordan and Danny, discussing Matt

"Does he always have to get right to the point? Does he ever give you the feeling that you're not impeding his path to the more important thing he has to do someplace else?"
        - Jordan, discussing Danny with Matt

"Not one of those cheerleaders would be interested in going out with me after tonight's show."
        - Matt

"Matt would have fired the more senior guys, Lucy, as soon as their contracts were up. You're good looking and you have a British accent; he's not going to let you go anywhere."
"Why, Richard, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my writing."
        - Ricky and Lucy

"Have McDeere tie up the option again; she'll do whatever the cool guys tell her to do."
"That's the first time anyone's accused me of being cool. And I don't think you know Jordan McDeere very well, because she has yet to do anything that anyone has told her to do. 'Matt, Danny, we have this opportunity to do this thing at FOX. Will you help us out?' That's how a man talks. Do you care that we didn't do a very good show tonight?"
"I thought it was fine, Matt. But I'm sorry if your ego can't sustain a week of not being called a genius."
        - Ricky and Matt

"Are we going to be fired?"
"Nope, you're just going to wish you'd been."
        - Lucy and Matt

"When I took the job, I decided I wanted to pretend I only had a year to live. Seriously, I mean, what would you do if you had my job and you only had a year to live and no one knew it? You ever play that game? ...Maybe I don't have to pretend any more."
        - Jordan to Danny

"This is both good and profitable."
"Yeah."
"You know how that confuses me."
        - Danny and Cal, discussing Cal's ingenious marketing idea

1x10 B-12

"What happened?"
"Real life."
        - Martha and Danny, after Danny has to pull a sketch

"Listen, it's on the news. The guy killed his family, and then himself."
"No!"
"Yeah, he did it in the wrong order."
        - Simon and Harriet

"Not be insensitive, but you fainted in drag and we're probably not gonna let you forget that soon."
        - Harriet, to a flu-stricken Dylan

"You can't tell a joke... Like a young child, you hear a joke, get it, and then can't reconstruct the moving part."
        - Matt to Harriet

"You think he can help?"
"If he can't, at least it'll be a mitzvah."
"A what?"
"A mitzvah: a nice thing to do. It'll be good luck."
        - Danny and Matt, discussing Andy

"They're trying, but they know they're not getting anything on the air. Lesson one is they gotta live and die on Friday night. They gotta feel like success in a three minute sketch is the same thing as love and they gotta fear failure like it's grim death. They gotta be every bit as damaged as you are."
"...I try to yell at them as often as I can."
"That's a good start, but it's not good enough... Toss them in the river... Give their sketch a spot at the dress tonight. Let them hear what three hundred people not laughing sounds like."
        - Andy and Matt discuss the junior staff writers

"Nobody here knows how to operate an umbrella?"
        - Matt, greeting another drenched colleague

"Jeannie and Tom aren't gonna make it... They look like they've got something you can only catch in Africa."
        - Matt, beset by sickness

"What can I tell you, Jordan? You got two lives, okay? The real one, and the character you play in the press."
        - Jack to Jordan

"Make sure she doesn't give me the shot!"
        - Jordan to Danny

1x11 The Christmas Show

"Itís strange that youíre here."
"I donít think so. There are lots of men here."
"Theyíre the fathers."
        - Jordan and Danny, waiting for her checkup

"Why are you here?"
"Morale."
"I really donít need help."
"Not now, but you will soon, because this says youíre going to have to make a journey of 1200 miles to bury your eggs in the warm mud... Wait, that canít be you. Thatís an Alaskan king crab that has to do that."
        - Jordan and Danny

"Why wonít you tell me who the father is?"
"You donít know him."
"I donít want to know him."
"How do you know?"
"Because if it was someone I wanted to know, heíd be here."
        - Danny and Jordan

"Ah, the husband?"
"Weíre not married."
"The boyfriend, then."
"No, Iím the executive producer."
        - Jordan and Danny meet her Doctor

"How is it that Iím Jewish and Iím the only one with Christmas spirit? Come to think of it, how is it that Iím the only Jew in a comedy writersí room?"
        - Matt

"Youíre caring more about other people than you usually do."
"Youíre the one who just said, 'Whatís she going to do about the upfronts?'"
"Mine was an idle question, then I moved on to other things in my head."
        - Matt and Danny, discussing Jordan

"You just defended her."
"Whatís wrong with that?"
"For starters, no oneís attacking her."
        - Matt and Danny, discussing Jordan

"You think he cast me so he can sleep with me?"
"No, I think he cast you so he can marry you and sleep with other people."
        - Harriet and Matt

"I know thatís no womanís dream of a man, or of a father; nonetheless, I believe Iím falling in love with you. If you want to run, I understand, but you better get a head start Ďcause Iím coming for you, Jordan."
        - Danny

"Where did you go?"
"I went to a place called,'Say it, say it, say it!' I said it, okay?"
        - Matt and Danny

1x12 Monday

"Whatís it like to be pregnant?"
"I donít know how to succinctly answer that question."
        - Hallie and Jordan

"Every other network had a VP of illiterate programmingó"
"Alternative programming."
        - Jordan and Hallie, starting off on the wrong foot

"Thereís another pretty girl at the dance and this oneís not pregnant."
        - Hallie, closing off with Jordan

"Iím completely behind teen abstinence. Iím just saying, as a former teen, itís not gonna happen."
        - Matt

"Can you find me some nonprofit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do So I can donate an equal amount to them and make it a wash?"
        - Matt, with moral qualms about donating to teen abstinence charities

"Keep in mind that shíes a lovely young woman, whoís a guest in our country, and who also just got clocked by a guy who for reasons passing understanding, she was in love with. So you should proceed with character and maturity."
        - Matt, with some advice for Tom about Lucy

"Mary Poppins."
        - Simon's name for Lucy after hearing too many Britishisms

"Tomís asked me out on a date. And I was justÖ. Wanted a moment to shower and change into nice clothesÖ And then the date. I could come back here right after. He appears to be a gentleman."
"He is."
"And very cute."
"I really canít speak to that."
        - Lucy, looking for time off from Matt

1x13 The Harriet Dinner (1)

"There comes a time in every great manís life when he needs a favor from someone like you."
"What does someone like me usually say?"
"Well. Theyíre usually to scared to say anything but yes."
"I hear that."
"You remember Zhiang Tao and his daughter Kim?"
"Yeah."
"I need a favor from Zhiang."
"Well, you should ask him just the way youíre asking me."
"No. Because heís a person of considerable importance."
        - Jack and Tom

"Have I done something wrong?"
"Probably. Thatís not what this is about. Kim is a viola prodigyÖ. That is a huge source of pride for her father... She wants to give up the viola and take up doing what you do ó comedy. That would be a huge source of shame for her father... Iím going to say something now and when I do, I want you to look at me because when you look at me, youíre going to know that Iím not employing hyperbole. The fate of Western Civilization rests on you talking her out of it."
        - A worried Tom and Jack

"But I have a date Thursday night."
"A date with destiny Tom."
"No, a date with Lucy Kenwright."
        - Tom and Jack

"Tom, you know I'm someone who doesn't like to rely on other people. So you have to know that I really appreciate this."
        - Jack to Tom

"What are you going to wear?"
"I was going to dress like a girl."
        - Darius and Lucy, discussing her date

"You've got to pay more attention to your general tone of voice with me."
        - Simon to Darius

"Progress report."
"I'm doing my best!"
"Your best isn't going to do it, Tom. You're going to need to do somebody else's best."
        - Jack and Tom

"Kim, you're twenty years-old, right?"
"Uh huh."
"Well, just 'cause I'm a little responsible for you tonight, I wanted to tell you that the legal drinking age in California is twenty-one."
"What's the age for taking you back to my hotel room and dancing for you?"
"Eighteen."
"Thank you."
        - Tom, Kim and Simon

"Girl you are on fire. The guy who designed that dress ó he took one look at you and said I think I got an idea."
        - Simon to Kim

"I felt sorry for you for what?"
"For being pregnant by myself."
 - Danny and Jordan

"You're not in love with me."
"I'll be in charge of who I'm in love with, ok?"
        - Jordan and Danny

"What damn Harriet crime have I committed now?"
        - Matt, after Harriet finds outs about his auction bid

"Cal, I can go to my place, get him, be back here in 45 minutes, this will all be over."
"Alright, alright get the coyote, to get the ferret, that was sent after the snake, but Beevo here's my question just so I know."
"Yeah?"
"What goes in after the coyote?"
        - Beevo and Cal

1x14 The Harriet Dinner (2)

"Great, I'll do select scenes from Weekend At Bernies."
        - Simon, covering up a passed-out Kim

"She's twenty years old Tom."
"She's Courteney Love Jack."
        - Jack and Tom, about Kim

"Let's go back four days to when you didn't want me but didn't want anyone else to have me."
        - Harriet to Matt

"You can't walk away so you're burning down the house?"
        - Harriet to Matt, about their relationship

"I was trying to get past the visual of you playing field hockey."
        - Danny to Jordan

"Are you trying to say the word bum?"
"That's not a very nice word."
"Oh, I see, there's a man down there who's both housing and employment challenged."
        - Danny and Jordan

"She's blonde."
"Nazi sonofabitch."
        - Jordan, trying to spread her dislike of Hallie to Danny

"You're scared of blonde executives."
"You're scared of snakes."
"Everybody's scared of snakes!"
        - Danny and Jordan

"You know, a lot of women would have found that charming."
"A lot of women would have?"
"I think so."
"They usually do, do they?"
"You can reject me or you can be jealous of me but you can't do both at the same time."
        - Danny and Jordan

"You've never been rejected by a woman before?"
"Not this many times by the same woman in one night."
        - Jordan and Danny

"The coyote is afraid of the snake. And the ferret is afraid of the coyote."
        - Cal, on a three way Mexican standoff

"A snake got loose."
"How many hours ago?"
"Tuesday."
        - Cal and Danny

"Matt and I hired you for two reasons: you're talented and you're black ó in that order."
        - Simon to Darius

"We've broken up about fifty times but this time we weren't even going out."
        - Matt, realising it's over with Harriet

1x15 The Friday Night Slaughter

"Hi, this is Jordan McDeere. I'm the President of NBS west coast entertainment."
"Yes ma'am."
"I'm concerned that not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest."
        - Jordan, trying reverse psych on Danny

"I'm gonna kiss you first."
"No! You can't right here, I've checked it out. There are public sightlines this way, this way, that way, that way, this way. There is a dead space under your desk but there isn't room enough for the both of us, so just cool off."
"It's almost like you're St. Valentine himself."
        - Danny and Jordan

"You hear this voice? This voice is authoratative, confident. This voice is always right."
        - Danny to Jordan

"You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage, you'll find jokes lying on the floor where you left them to die."
        - Andy, unimpressed with Tom and Dillon's performance

"Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada is? Because your Canadian accent was Mexican!"
        - Andy to Tom

1x16 The 4am Miracle

"It'll all come together on Wednesday night."
"Then why do I pay you guys for Monday and Tuesday?"
        - Danny and Jordan

"A hundred bucks says you can't keep the fake baby alive until we leave her tonight."
"Really?"
"Anytime we want we can hook it up to the computer and it'll give us full information. Sleepting, eating diaper changes. Any big blows to the head or torso."
        - Jordan, with a challenge for Danny

"You're shaking it like it's a snow globe!"
"Does smacking the mother ever help?"
        - Jordan and Danny, trying to get the 'baby' to stop crying

"What about the computer chip?"
"Baby thinks it slept three hours..."
        - Danny and Cal, covering up the baby's accident

"I'll tell you what happened, that baby was in an accident, as babies sometimes are and I rushed it immediately to a doctor of some sort!"
"What kind of accident?"
"A freak accident!"
"What kind of freak accident?!"
"It was decapitated in an 18th century French guillotine."
"Uh huh, and what kind of doctor?"
"Our property master and our director of special effects."
        - Danny, breaking the bad news to Jordan

"Well, now we know not to put the baby's head in a guillotine."
        - Danny

"I'm trying to lose ten pounds."
"Well, don't do that either... You're perfect!"
"Stop making fun of me."
"I'm not! Look at you!"
"Stop it."
"If I was a little younger, less famous, and made a little less money, I would..."
"Thank you."
        - Matt, trying to cheer up Suzanne

"You should go home."
"I go home when you go home."
"I mightn't even go home."
"You should go home a little."
        - Matt and Suzanne

"I wasn't here. I was stealing a screenplay from five different people."
        - Matt, with a watertight alibi

"Are you asking me out on a date?"
"Actually I was asking you to ask me out on a date."
        - Matt and Mary Tate

1x17 The Disaster Show

"If a bomb goes off after we got a warning, do you know what will happen to our insurance premiums?"
"Yeah. Plus people will get hurt."
"I guess it would be fundamentally wrong of me to leave the building, get in my car, drive as far away as possible."
"Yeah, Iím going to go back to work."
        - Jack and Cal

"This is live TV, this isn't your little White House show where you get to do it again... Every couple of years we have a disaster show. This is it."
        - Tom to Allison Janney

"Loved you on Chicago Hope."
"That was Christine Lahti."
        - Jack and Allison Janney

"I wanted to come up with a good lie. One that showed respect to you."
        - Simon to Stephanie

"She would have looked nice in a swimsuit."
        - Lucy, after she blows Simon's chances with Stephanie

"I believe him. But just in case can we handcuff them to the building overnight?"
        - Jack, after the bomb hoaxers are caught

"All right. You know what? That's it... The whole night has been a complete disaster. The prop guys walked out because Danny Tripp is an idiot! And there were no cue cards."
        - Allison Janney, blaming everything on Josh...

"Tell me you still didnít have the time of your life tonight."
        - Cal to Allison Janney

1x18 Breaking News

"You look at the pictures of all the old writers ó all my heroes wear coats and ties."
        - Matt, suiting up for the show

"He's the boss, Danny. He works in the real world."
"And what world do I work in?"
        - Jordan and Danny, as Jack is unhappy with the ratings

"In my neighbourhood we had a saying: 'You go first and we'll see if you get shot'."
        - Simon

"Not many comedy writers dated the prom queen."
        - Harriet to Mary

"You're too hard on yourself."
"You know who isn't too hard on themselves? Amateurs."
        - Lucy and Tom, after he has a rough show

1x19 K & R Part I

"Didn't we have this fight once before?"
"Didn't we have every fight once before?"
        - Matt, Harriet

"Didn't we win this war once already?"
        - Tom, on the Afghanistan situation

"Afghanistan after you bomb it looks a lot like Afghanistan before you bomb it."
        - Matt, back in 2001

"It looks like the F16s are giving the Afghans a good skewering right now without our comedy backup."
        - Matt to Luke

"Nice guy. Never smiles. Except today."
        - Matt, after Andy becomes a dad

"Why can't I make fun of Christians?"
"Because we're the good guys this time and even you know it."
        - Matt and Harriet, still in 2001

"You know what we could do? Your own network research says that the number one audience manipulator among women is a pregnancy in jeopardy. How about if..."
        - Danny

"What's the strangest reason anyone's ever given you for breaking a date?"
        - Matt to Mary

"I know your politics and I share them, well, except to the irrational loony stuff... No taking shots at Americans"
        - Jack, to Matt and Danny, in 2001

"Hollywood is in America!"
"No. It isn't."
        - Jack, urging Matt to let fly at Hollywood

"We've been having this argument for eight years... You really would have thought that one of us would have won by now."
        - Matt (and the audience) to Harriet

"Why do you have to believe in the divinity of Jesus to know that robbing a bank is wrong?"
        - Matt to Harriet

1x20 K & R Part II

"You can't be trying to tell me that my brother's up there because I made fun of Mohamed tonight!"
"Yeah, kid. I'm sure the Taliban watches Studio 60. Maybe they Tivo it."
"What is your job here?"
"Comfort."
"You're not very good at it."
"I keep trying to tell them that."
        - Tom and Captain Boyle

"If you want to hit me it's okay. Looking at you and looking at me, it doesn't seem like it'll hurt."
        - Captain Boyle to Tom

"Please try to remember, we don't have lives. Don't get us fired. There's nothing else in my life right now."
        - Danny to Matt, trying not to blow their big chance after 9/11

"Where are you gonna get a police escort?"
"I will commit a crime if I have to and lead them on a high-speed chase."
        - Danny and Matt, getting desperate

1x21 K & R Part III

"'No wonder they want to kill us?' That's what you said? 'I live here and I want to kill us'?"
        - Jack, quoting Simon's words back to him

"You're gonna apologise before sunrise."
"You wanna bet?"
"My paycheck against yours."
        - Jack and Simon

"I'm Jewish. I wanted to kill Arabs long before any of you."
        - Matt, saying the quiet part loud

"I don't think you're allowed to sleep with Luke and care about what I want at the same time."
        - Matt to Harriet

"How far away are you from this?"
"I'm a sexual harassmenr lawyer. I'm not the A-team."
        - Jack and Mary, discussing a ransom

"The doctorís giving my mother a sedative called 'Atrividium'."
"Yeah."
"My fatherís taking shots of a sedative called 'Johnny Walker Red'."
        - Tom and Captain Boyle

"He went from zero to stupid in 4.5 seconds."
        - Captain Boyle, about Simon's outburst

"This is all just history repeating."
        - Tom

"Unless it's with my mom or girlfriend when I say sorry I like to mean it."
        - Matt to Jack

"I looked a lot better when the day started."
        - Mary, after twenty hours in the same clothes

"This isn't the time to be polite. Danny is looking at his daughter right now ó but she isn't his daughter."
        - Mary, with some hard choices for Matt

1x22 What Kind of Day Has It Been?

"That's my daughter. I never felt so much like a man as when I said that."
        - Danny

"We know how to fight and we know how to win... We both know where this war's been lost."
        - Captain Boyle to Tom

"When you're married you say sorry a lot: when you don't mean it, when you don't even know what the hell you could have done wrong..."
        - Jack to Simon

"You can't make a decision like that in the two minutes it takes to walk back from the NBS building."
"I didn't need the whole two minutes."
        - Harriet and Danny, in flashback

"The sun is not fully up!"
        - Jack, disputing a bet with Simon

"Do you have a problem if I date a cast member?"
"Is it me?"
"No."
"Then no."
        - Matt, gauging the mood of the crew

"I'm not crying. I was calm throughout the whole ordeal."
        - Cal, translating Lucy's whimpers

"I'm all for it ó but not in front of me."
        - Danny, to Matt and Harriet

# TVSQUAD DOES STUDIO 60

1. No one cares about what's going on behind the scenes of a late night comedy show.
2. Sarah Paulson isn't funny.
3. The show isn't funny.
4. Sorkin is too preachy!
5. There's no chemistry between Paulson and Perry, and they focus on the Matt/Harriet plot too much.
6. Amanda Peet isn't believable/too young/too pretty to be a network exec.
        - Tv Squad picks the most common criticisms of "Studio 60"

I think they finally found a way to make Harriet appealing: put her in a cheerleader uniform. I might be hurting any chance of ever running for political office for saying this, but I'm 100% in favor of all women having at least one of each of the following outfits in their closet: cheerleader outfit, catholic school girl uniform, and Princess Leia slave-girl bikini.
        - Jay Black, reviewing "The Harriet Dinner" episode for "TV Squad"

You just want the take the show by its collar and say, "What's your problem? You had it all! A great timeslot, network support, quality actors in every single supporting role, and probably the best pilot of the last ten years! How the hell did you get canceled!?"
        - Jay Black

Here's what I loved tonight: The red dress on Claire. Seriously, whoever that actress was could start another Trojan War if she wanted to. Jeepers.
        - Jay Black, from his "Disaster Show" review

I think there's something particular to Studio 60 fans in that we really, really want the show to be good. Being a Studio 60 fan is a lot like dating a girl that's unpopular with your group of friends. Every time you go out with them, you feel the need afterwards to justify why you're still dating her. "No, no, you guys just don't get it! I know she keeps bringing up religion at inappropriate times, but she's such an intelligent conversationalist!"
        - Jay Black

When Nathan Corddry got the script where his brother was captured in Iraq, did he put it down and turn to Sarah Paulson and say with a sly smirk, "I thought we signed up for a look at a comedy show, not The West Wing lite" only to have her reply with, "at least you have something interesting to do, the whole world hates me and I'm stuck trying to foist a Holly Hunter impression on Bradley while the love of his life might be dying!"
        - Jay Black, "TV Squad"

I'm not a religious person, but every week I pray that Harriet and Matt don't talk about religion on the show. Is that irony?
        - Jay Black

Mr. Sharp-Suited-Super-Shark-With-a-Soul.
        - Jay Black, on the character of Jack Rudolph

# BEYOND THE SHOW

As you'd expect from a program written by Aaron Sorkin, the famously wordy creator of "The West Wing," "Studio 60" is hyper-verbal, showily erudite, deeply politicized, and for the most part, dazzlingly staged and acted by (among others) Matthew Perry, Bradley Whitford, Amanda Peet, Sarah Paulson, and Steven Weber, all of whom talk a mile a minute, and intelligently at that. In many ways it really is the model for smart network television it so openly aspires to be. Unfortunately, "Studio 60" can also be pompous, vainglorious, and madly in love with the crackle of its own rata-tat-tat dialogue. Worst of all, it pretends to be courageous about things that require little courage ó like railing against the Christian right at a time when Muslim fundamentalists make your average evangelical look as threatening as a jelly bean. If you're as obsessed by the dangers of religion as Mr. Sorkin, but can barely bring your characters to mouth the word "Islam," you're inevitably going to look like a phony.
        - Brendan Bernhard, "The New York Sun"

Every single week, we watched, waiting for what shoulda been an unbeatable combination of premise, writers and actors to coalesce into the great show we pictured in our heads. Instead, the best that we could consistently come up with was that Matthew Perry was awesome (because he ó and yeah, OK, Steven Weber ó has been the one great thing on this show), and after that...
        - Jim Connelly, "Medialoper"

While virtually impossible not to admire - even if, it should be noted, nobody admires it more than it admires itself ó Studio 60 is surprisingly hard to like. It's a very unattractive quality, smugness! ...For all its attempts to conjure up some of The West Wing's heart and soul, Studio 60 is effectively a drama about light entertainment, and who the hell cares about that? It's probably the most smug comedy drama ever made ó a real shame when it coulda been a contender.
        - Kathryn Flett, "So smart, yet so very smug", "The Observer"

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