WEST WING SEASON ONE QUOTES

Leo: True or false, if I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars, I'd be as informed as I am right now.
Josh: That's true.
Leo: The intelligence budget's money's well spent, isn't it?

Toby: You think the United States is under attack from 12,000 Cubans in rowboats.
Sam: I'm not saying I don't like our chances.
Toby: Mind-boggling to me that we ever won an election.

Sam : Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?
Josh : Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?
Sam : Yeah.
Josh : Yeah.

A PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE

Josh: A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn't pay her. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.
CJ: Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!
...
Josh: You know what, CJ, I think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkely shiksa feminista! Well that was way too far.
CJ: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitest Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row yankee jackass!

Toby: How the hell did I get into trouble?
Josh: Today? All you had to do was get out of bed.

CJ: What this is about, Sam, is you're a high-profile, very visible, much-noticed member --
Sam: You just said three things that all mean the same thing.

Bartlet: CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read: "Post hoc, ergo propter hoc".
CJ: Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Sam: Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?
Charlie: No, sir.
Sam: What the hell's been stopping you?

FIVE VOTES DOWN

Sam: Where are you going?
Josh: Where are you going?
Sam: I was following you.
Josh: I was following you. All right, don't tell anyone this happened, okay?

Toby: There's literally no one in the world that I don't hate right now.

Mandy: Someone gave you a year's supply of fruit?
Josh: Yes.
Mandy: Why?
Josh: There are people who like me.
Mandy: Why?

CJ: Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed. Bartlet: No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. (to Sam) So, tell me what the problem is, Toby. Sam: I'm Sam, sir.
Bartlet: Sam, of course you are.

THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN

Toby: Mr. President, there's no shame in calling it quits. All you have to do is say, "Toby, you're the superior athlete" and slink on off the court.

Bartlet: Do you want to play or do you want to write my eulogy?
Toby: Can I be honest with you?

Josh: (to Leo) Is today total crackpot day?

Josh: What did you want to talk about?
Leo: First off (he slaps him on top of the head) That's for total crackpot day.

Sam: What can I do for you, Bob?
Bob: In a nutshell?
Sam: So to speak.
Bob: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
Sam: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
Bob: No.
Sam: Thank God.

Sam: There are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump from a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels.
Bob: Like what?
Sam: Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy.

Toby: Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy. That's how they get in the door in the first place.

C.J.: More people get killed each year getting change out of a vending machine than get killed in a wolf attack. Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine: four. Number of people killed by a wolf attack: zero.

MR WILLIS OF OHIO

Josh: Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
Sam: Sounds good.
CJ: I like beer.
Josh: If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.
CJ: Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.

Zoey: The hooker!
Sam: Ok. She's not a hooker, she's a call-girl. And how do you know about this?
Zoey: Mallory told me.
CJ: How does Mallory know about that?
Sam: I told her.
CJ: You told our Boss's daughter you slept with a call girl?
Sam: I didn't know she was Leo's daughter at the time, I thought she was a school teacher who came in with her class.
Josh: So you thought you were telling a complete stranger you slept with a call girl?

THE STATE DINNER

Danny: What are you wearing tonight?
CJ: Your paper wants to know what I'm wearing?
Danny: No, it's just for me.

Josh: I look good tonight, don't I?
Mandy: Yes.
Josh: You look good too, but I look even better.

Sam: (To Josh) We look good, don't we?
Mandy: Do you guys want to be alone?

CJ: Danny, when you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story?
Danny: No, I'm doing it to flirt with you.

ENEMIES

Bartlet: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?
Josh: (mutters) Good a place as any to dump your body. Bartlet:
What was that?
Josh: Did I say that out loud?

Mandy: Are you listening to me?
Toby: Yes.
Mandy: What was the last thing I said?
Toby: The last thing you said was "Are you listening to me?"

Mandy: You guys are idiots. Did you know that?
CJ: In our own defense, we actally do know that.

THE SHORT LIST

CJ: (after the press briefing) Set fire to the room. Do it now.

CJ: Why are you here?
Danny: I'm here because there's a basketball team called the New York Knickerbockers who are playing in town tomorrow night.
CJ: I don't have time to go to a basketball game!
Danny: Neither do I. Which is why I thought we could watch it in your office, while I explain it to you in a patronizing manner, 'cause I know it's something women usually like.
CJ: Thank you anyway.
Danny: You understand I'll talk slow and explain it in a way a girl would appreciate?

CJ: What are you holding?
Danny: It's a goldfish.
CJ: Why?
Danny: It's for you.
CJ: Really?
Danny: Josh said you like goldfish.
*CJ bursts out laughing*
CJ: The crackers, Danny. The cheese thing that you have at a party?
Danny: Oh. Oh. You know what, I'm not 100% sure I was supposed to know that.
CJ: The crackers, Danny.
Danny: Fine. Now I've got a goldfish.
CJ: Give it to me.
Danny: No no.
CJ: No, you'll kill it.
Danny: You think I can't take care of a goldfish?
CJ: I absolutely do not.

IN EXCELSIS DEO

(Sam and Toby argue about when the new millennium starts)
Sam: The common sensibility, to quote Stephen Jay Gould -
Toby: Stephen Jay Gould needs to look at a calendar.
Sam: Gould says "this is a largely unresolveable issue."
Toby: Yes, it's tough to resolve, yes. You have to look at a calendar.

CJ: What's your Secret Service code name?
Sam: They just changed them.
CJ: I know. What's yours.
Sam: Princeton.
CJ: Mine's Flamingo.
Sam: That's nice.
CJ: No it's not nice.
Sam: The flamingo's a nice-looking bird.
CJ: The flamingo's a ridiculous-looking bird.
Sam: You're not ridiculous-looking.
CJ: I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.
Sam: Any way for me to get out of this conversation?

Josh: I believe I would eat that book before I read it.

LORD JOHN MARBURY

Mandy: We're going to look good in California.
Josh: I'm going to look pale.
Mandy: I meant the president.
Josh: I know. I'm just saying.

Bartlet: Lord John Marbury. Former ambassador to New Delhi from the court of St. James.
Sam: Where do we find him?
Leo: A psychiatric institution.
Bartlet: He's colorful, Leo.
Leo: You're really going to let him loose in the White House with his liquor and women.
Bartlet: We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink.

Toby: Where'd you get this stuff?
Larry: I swear to God, the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

HE SHALL FROM TIME TO TIME

Josh: Are his glands swollen?
CJ: Damn.
Josh: What.
CJ: You know what I forgot to do today?
Josh: What?
CJ: Feel the President's glands.
Josh : Do you think the joke reflex you use as a defense mechanism is why you have so much trouble keeping a man?

Bartlet: I'm taking pills, CJ.
CJ: Are you actually taking them or are you just carrying them around in your pocket?
Bartlet: You know carrying them around in my pocket was a pretty big step for me.

Bartlet: Is it possible I'm taking something called "euthanasia"?
Sam: Echinacea?
Bartlet: That sounds more like it.

Bartlet: You know, I was watching a television program before with a sort of a roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with thier boyfriend, apparently becuase the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. Then they brought the boyfriends out and they all fought right there on television. Tell me Toby, these people don't vote do they?

Josh : Weíve seen some pretty compelling polling samples. We need ďpeople who work for itĒ and Iíll tell you what else.
Toby : What?
Josh : "The era of big government is over."
Toby : Oh, when did this happen?
Josh : This morning, we had a meeting.
Toby : We decided to offend poor people?
Josh : The people weíre offending wonít be watching the State of the Union.

Leo : Do me a favor, Sam. Donít show initiative. Donít rush to my defense. I donít want to see you on Crossfire. I donít want to see you on Larry King. I donít want to read your name in Newsweek unless itís an advocacy of the presidentís agenda. I go down, I go down. Iím not taking anyone with me... Is that clear?

Donna : So, if the Capitol Building blows up...
Josh : Yes.
Donna : The man my country will be looking to is the secretary of agriculture.
Josh : Itís my country too.
Donna : Yeah, but youíll be dead.
Josh : Which is why I really donít care that much.
Donna : Josh?
Josh : Donna, I really donít anticipate the Capitol Building exploding.

Abby : Youíve got an itch for Sam Seaborn.
Mallory : I do not have an itch.

Abby : Donít go for the geniuses. They never want to sleep.

Lord Marbury : You know, there are some marvelous flu remedies known in the certain remote parts of the subcontinent. Licorice root, for instance, combined with bamboo sap and a strong shot of whiskey. Ginger root, also, mixed with, uh, citrus peel.
Bartlett : And a strong shot of whiskey?
Lord Marbury : Actually, you can leave everything out except the shot of whiskey.

Bartlett : ďHe shall, from time to time, give to the Congress information on the state of the union and recommend to their consideration such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.Ē

Bartlett : Oh, Roger, if anything happened, you know what to do, right?
Roger (Agri Secretary) : I honestly hadnít thought about it sir.
Bartlett : First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint joint chiefs. Appoint chairman. Take them to Defcon 4. Have the governor send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant attorney general is gonna be the acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you.

Bartlett : You have a best friend?
Roger : Yes sir.
Bartlett : Is he smarter than you?
Roger : Yes sir.
Bartlett : Would you trust him with your life?
Roger : Yes sir.
Bartlett : Thatís your chief of staff.

TAKE OUT THE TRASH DAY

"I'm anticipating any joke you could possibility make and not finding any of them funny."

"Why give them all the stories we aren't wild about on Friday?"
"Because the press has x-column inches to fill. They're going to fill them no matter what. So if we give them one story, it's x column inches..."
"Why on Friday."
"Because nobody reads the paper on Saturday." "There's a town in Alabama that wants to abolish all laws except the Ten Commandments... Well, they're going to have a problem... Coveting thy neighbor's wife, for instance. How're you going to enforce that one?" "Well here's a group of federal employees." TAKE  THIS SABBATH DAY

Sam: I don't talk to the President that way, Bobby. Nobody talks to the President that way. And I'm gonna tell you not that many people talk to me that way anymore.

CJ: I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell... It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?

Donna: Did you spend the night here?
Josh: No. Just since a couple of hours ago.
Donna: The party went to morning?
Josh: Yup.
...
Donna: Why didn't you go home after the party?
Josh: I couldn't find my keys, or remember where I lived.
Donna: Josh.
Josh: I think there might have been strippers there.
Donna: Oh my God! What happened to your clothes?
Josh: I may have wrinkled my suit.
Donna: Josh!
Josh: Donna. You...You really wanna speak very softly.
Donna: How did you get like this?
Josh: People were pouring champagne over each other.
Donna: And then wrestling in dirt?
Josh: I can't remember, but it's certainly not out of the question.
...
Donna: Are you going to listen to me from now on?
Josh: I'm not even listening to you now.
Donna: <shouts> I said, are you going to listen...
Josh: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Kenny (interpreter): "Are you the unmitigated jackass who has the DNC choking off funding for the O'Dwyer campaign in the California forty-sixth?"
Josh: What is God's name is happening right now?
Kenny: I'm Joey Lucas.
Josh: You're Joey Lucas?
Kenny: <looks at Joey, then back to Josh> "No, *I'm* Joey Lucas."
Josh: Help me, 'cause I... I don't...
Joey: You idiot. I'm. Joey. Lucas.
Josh: Ah. Ah, okay. I'm Josh Lyman.
Kenny: I know who you are.
Josh: You're Joey Lucas.
Kenny: What were you expecting?
Josh: A man.

Joey: What the hell are you wearing?
Josh: Me?
Joey: Yes.
Josh: I was... I uh... I... I spilt some things on my clothes. Tell you what, let's... let's just take a deep breath for a second while I try and remember, you know, where I am right now.

Josh: You have any idea how dumb I looked in there?
Donna: So Joey Lucas is a woman.
Josh: Yes.
Donna: And she's deaf.
Josh: Yes.

Bartlett: What happened to the guy who shot your mother?
Charlie: They haven't found him yet sir.
Bartlett: If they did, would you wanna see him executed? Killing a police officer's a capital crime. I figured you musta thought about it.
Charlie: Yes sir.
Bartlett : And?
Charlie: I wouldn't want to see him executed, Mr. President. I'd wanna do it myself.

Joey: I wanna speak to the President!
Josh: Hey, Lunatic Lady! Trust me when I tell you that there's absolutely no way that you're going to see the President!

Kenny: "We're going back to the hotel." It was nice meeting you.
Josh: <to Joey> Nice to meet you.
Kenny: That was *me* saying that.
Josh: <to Joey> You didn't have a good time meeting me?... You know what, I actually know that sign... Don't know that one, but I can probably guess.

Father Cavanaugh: I don't know how to address you. Would you prefer Jed or Mr. President?
Bartlett: To be honest, I'd prefer Mr. President.
Father Cavanaugh: That's fine.
Bartlett: You understand why, right?
Father Cavanaugh: Do I need to know why?
Bartlett: It's not ego.
Father Cavanaugh: I didn't think it was.
Bartlett: There's certain decisions I have to make while I'm in this room. Do I send troops into harm's way. Which fatal disease gets the most research money.
Father Cavanaugh: Sure.
Bartlett: It's helpful in those situations not to think of yourself as the man but as the office.

CELESTIAL NAVIGATION

C.J.: Then what was he pulled over for?
Sam: Driving while being... Hispanic?

CJ: Why'd he refuse the breathalyzer?
Toby: Because he's a crazy man who's out to ruin my life.

Danny: I'm sorry, Mr. President. You didn't answer the question.
Bartlett: I was hoping you weren't going to notice that, Danny.
Danny: I did, sir.
Bartlett: Then I will tell you that I agree, the Republican party does not have a comprehensive program for combating poverty in this country. That being said, there are countless Republicans who are working very hard to change their party's legacy on some of these issues. And I hope to be working with them to do just that.
Danny: I'm sure that was an answer to some question, Mr. President. It just wasn't the answer to mine.

CJ: Josh.
Josh: What the hell happened?
CJ: I had root canal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
CJ: I had root canal.
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
CJ: I had root canal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
CJ: I can suggest some other things you can do with yourself.
Josh: Are you in pain?
CJ: I had root canal!
Josh: You're going to have to stop saying that because you just look and sound so ridiculous.

Toby: How d'you know we're going east.
Sam: The sun rises in the east.
Toby: It's dark outside!
Sam: Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris.
Toby: So what.
Sam: I'm using celestial navigation.
Toby: Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around.

C.J.: You get howstiwe.
Josh: I get... hot stuff?
C.J.: Howstiwe, howstiwe. You get howstiwe!
Josh: I don't get hostile! I don't get randomly hostile, I get hostile when hostility's called for.

Reporter: When was the last time the President has a cigarette?
Josh: Mike, ya sure you want your one question to be that stupid?

Danny: I'm sure we all join the President in his joy, but I'm wondering if the President has a plan to fight the resulting inflation.
Josh: The President will do everything in his power to maintain the robust economy that has created millions of new jobs, improved productivity and kept a lid on inflation.
Katie: But he has no plan to address inflation specifically?
Josh: Twenty four PhD's and a Counsel of Economy Advisors, Katie. They have a plan to fight inflation.
Danny: Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret?
Josh: <sarcasticly> Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.

Toby: We've been navigating by the north star, which turns out to be the Delta Shuttle from LaGuardia. It's a miracle we're not in Nantucket right now.
Josh: Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station?
Toby: I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking can ya tell be a little more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh: Okay, good, that's a start. Tell me what you think I should do right now.
Donna: Go into your office and come up with a secret plan to fight inflation.

Sam: We have a problem.
Toby: No kidding!
Sam: Not Josh.
Josh: Praise God.
Sam: Although I've gotta say, telling a reporter his question's stupid's not like a page outta Dale Carnegie or anything.

Josh: Yeah. A long story short, you're gonna be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlett: I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No.
Bartlett: Why am I gonna be reading that I do?
Josh: It was suggested in the Press Room that you did.
Bartlett: By who?
Josh: By me.
Bartlett: You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
Josh: No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
Bartlett: Josh, I'm a little confused.
Josh: Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid!
Bartlett: Okay, before we go on. C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, *you'll* do the press briefing.

Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?

20 HOURS IN LA

Leo: Be that way.
Bartlet: Your impersonation of my mother is getting sharper and sharper, you know that?

Bartlet: The press in a good mood?
CJ: No, Mr. President, I wouldn't say they were.
Bartlet: Why not?
CJ: Well they're not wild about taking of at 3 o' clock in the morning, sir. Bartlet: It's going to be great! We're going to race the sun to the Pacific horizon!
CJ: I'll tell them that, sir. I'm sure it'll pick them right up.

Josh: How's he (Bartlett) doing in there?
Sam: Oh, he's got that look on his face like he's thinking about ways to kill himself.

Bartlett: You would honestly think there was an epidemic of flag-burning going on, endangering countless lives in this country.

Toby: What, I'm not coming in the car?
Bartlett: No, and you know why? Because you made fun of the guacamole. Toby: I didn't!
Bartlett: I could tell you were thinking it.
Toby: Fair enough.

CJ: Pretend like you're talking to me again.
Sam: Okay, but this time let's use code names.
CJ: Where's Josh?
Sam: He's over there talking to that woman.
CJ: Interesting.
Sam: Of course it's possible they're just pretending to be talking.
CJ: Indeed.

Josh: She said she was with somebody.
Donna: Oh, Josh!
Josh: Donna, she's with somebody.
Donna: She could've just been saying that.
Josh: Why would she have just been saying that?
Donna: For the allure.

Josh: I'm not gonna knock on her door at one in the morning.
Donna: Yes, 'cause you're whisking back to Washington and you had to see her one more time before you left 'cause God knows what fate awaits you when you get there.
Josh: Are you okay?

THE WHITE HOUSE PRO-AM

Donna: So I've been reading this book...
Josh: I'm on the phone.
Donna: You're on hold.
Josh: How do you know?
Donna: The light was blinking.
Josh: (sigh)...What book?

Sam: I'm just saying, Bernie Dahl has a heart attack, bam, right out of nowhere?
Toby: It's his fifth heart attack, Sam. He's 138 years old.
Sam: Yeah well these are highly stressful jobs. I haven't been to the gym in three weeks.
Toby: Sam, look at yourself. How much healthier do you want to be?
Sam: I'm just saying that if anybody needs me at lunch I'm going to be at the gym. And that's going to be sad for me because I'm going to live longer than you.

Josh: We're going to do good cop/bad cop.
Toby: No, we're really not.
Josh: Why not?
Toby: Because this isn't an episode of Hawaii Five-O. How 'bout you be the good cop, I be the cop that doesn't go to the meeting?
Josh: You have to go to the meeting. I told them you'd be at the meeting. If you're not there they're going to start right out insulted.
Toby: I go to this meeting, there's a decent chance they're going to end up insulted.

Toby: You're concerned about American labor and manufacturing.
Congressman: Yeah.
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota.
Toby: Then shut up.

Josh: You like winning, don't you?
Toby: Saves you from having to say the word please.

SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH

Mallory: Don't play dumb with me.
Sam: No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart.

Toby: You're talking to me during The Jackal?

Leo: I don't mind you dating my only daughter but you can't expect me not to have some fun along the way.
Sam: Mallory and I haven't actually been on a date yet.
Leo: Well you hang in there, son.

Josh: You didn't want to talk to me about banana bars by any chance, did you?
Mandy: Panda bears.
Josh: Donna has stylish penmanship.
Mandy: I think we should get a panda bear.
Josh: You say that now but I'm the one who's gonna end up feeding him and walking him.

Josh: You didn't want to talk to me about banana bars by any chance, did you?
Mandy: Panda bears.
Josh: Donna has stylish penmanship.
Mandy: I think we should get a panda bear.
Josh: You say that now but I'm the one who's gonna end up feeding him and walking him.

Margaret: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey there, Margaret.
Margaret: Are you okay?
Toby: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Margaret: You don't usually say "Hey there, Margaret."
Toby: What do I usually say?
Margaret: You usually growl something inaudible.
Toby: Not today.
Margaret: I see.
Toby: You, on the other hand, should turn that frown upside down.
Margaret: I'm sorry?
Toby: Let a smile be your umbrella, Margaret.
Margaret: Okay now you're scaring the crap out of me, Toby.
Toby: (sings) Grey skies are gonna clear up -- Hey, Bobby -- Put on a happy face -- Hi, Janet.

Mandy: What's with him?
Ginger: It's the day after his day of jubilee.
Bonnie: He never stays in a good mood this long.
Toby: Bonnie, you are dedicated and you are beautiful. And Ginger, you are other nice things.

Toby: I feel like I've lost 180 pounds. I am smiling, I am laughing, I am enjoying the people I work with -- I gotta snap outta this. What's on your mind?
Mandy: I want you to help me get the Chinese to give us a new panda bear to replace LumLum.
Toby: Well that did the trick.

Toby: They give us two regular bears, a bucket of black paint, a bucket of white paint, bam bam next case.
Mandy: It's hard to believe that the wildlife lobby was nervous about you.
Toby: I know, I'm Mr. Wildlife.

Bartlet: Do you think I could have taken George Washington?

LET BARTLET BE BARTLET

Mrs. Landingham: You're not getting enough ruffage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.
Bartlet: I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbabe, I know that for damn sure.
Mrs. Landingham: Once again you display an immaturity about vegetable that I think is not at all presidential.

Bartlet: Why aren't they here right now?
Charlie: They didn't know that it was raining, sir.
Bartlet: Nothing like surrounding yourself with the best and the brightest, Charlie.

Bartlet: You didn't know it was raining?
Toby: To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain.

Donna : How'd it go?
Josh : How do you know to be standing here?
Donna : I see you at the window.
Josh : You don't have a window.
Donna : You have a window.
Josh : What are you doing in my office when I'm not there?
Donna : Looking for you at the window.
Josh : Okay.

Leo: Oh Margaret, Margaret -- I'm sorry, I'm going to have to -- I hung in there as long as I could, but you long since passed the point when I stopped caring.

Toby: Major, what the hell is going on at Lackland Air Force Base?
Major: I don't like your sense of humor.
Toby: I get that a lot.

Josh : Our second year doesn't seem to be going a whole lot better than our first, does it?

Toby : One victory in a year, Leo... Mendoza. We got Mendoza on the Court... One victory in a year stinks in a life of an administration. But it's not the ones we lose that bother me, Leo. It's the ones we don't suit up for!

Leo : We're stuck in neutral because that's where you tell me to stay.

Bartlet: This is more important than re-election. I want to speak now.

MANDATORY MINIMUMS

Toby: Sam, you're going to come to a verb soon, right?
Sam: Okay, you know what this is called?
Toby: Bad writing?
Sam: Imagery.

Toby: Anytime you want to use punctuation, that'd be fine.

Donna: You should notice that Josh has on a nice suit.
Margaret: That is a nice suit.
Josh: Donna.
Donna: We'll call it his Joey Lucas suit.
...
Margaret: Joey Lucas is coming?
Josh: We need a California expert and this is my regular Tuesday suit.
Margaret: You assign your clothes days of the week?

Josh: I'd like to clear up that I...I don't have suits for the days of the week. This is just a regular suit.
Sam: It's a nice suit.
Donna: Sure, it's a nice suit. It's his Joey Lucas....
Josh: Donna!

Sam: You're not calm, Leo. You're acting like a nervous hoolelia.
Toby: A what?
Sam: May not be a word. May just be something my mother used to say.

CJ : Do you have any idea how pissed they are at you?
Mandy: CJ.
CJ : They're pissed at me, that's how pissed they are at you. They want to know how the hell I didn't know about the memo.

Leo: What'd I miss?
Potus : Kiefer's been here 45 minutes, he's already got me on the playground at recess.
Leo (to Kierfer): Took you 45 minutes?

(Andy asks Toby to sit down on the picnic blanket with her)
Toby: I'm wearing a suit.
Andy: So am I.
Toby: I'm a responsible adult.
Andy: I'm a member of the United States' Congress.
Toby: I rest my case.

Toby (to Andy): Can you walk faster, please? I really don't like to be outdoors this long.

Sam: Do you mean he practiced upon my ...
Toby: ... Credulous simplicity?

Sam: I wanna tell the Senate Majority Leader that he can take his legislative agenda and stick it up his ass!
Josh: I already did that... Know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really... It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. Sam, you're Al Pacino. Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.

Bartlet: When you were married to her did you call her "Congresswoman Wyatt"?

Josh: I wore this suit, special today. This isn't my regular Tuesday suit.
Joey: You have a regular Tuesday suit?
Josh: No.
Joey: For me?
Josh: Yeah.

LIES, DAMN LIES, AND STATISTICS

Donna: They gotta start the poll, Josh. It's 7:05.
Josh: It's 10 to 7.
Donna. No, it's really not.
Josh: It's 7:05?
Donna: Yeah.
Josh: That's ridiculous.
Donna: I'm not making it up.
Josh: My watch says 10 to 7.
Donna: That's cause your watch sucks.
Josh: My watch is fine.
Donna: Your watch says 10 to 7.
Josh: How do I know it isn't 10 to 7?
Donna: Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the U.S. Navy, say your watch sucks. In fact, they say your watch sucks in four different time zones.

Toby: The Federated States of Micronesia.
Sam: That's a real country?
Toby: It is.
Sam: Cause it sounds like somewhere the Marx Brothers would ...
Toby: It's a real country.

Bartlet : It's actually 607 small islands in the South Pacific. Interestingly, while its total land mass is only 270 square miles, it occupies more than a million square miles of the Pacific Ocean. Population is 127,000 and the U.S. Embassy is located in the state of Pohnpei and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap.
Toby: Why would a person have that information at their disposal?
Bartlet : Parties.

Sam: You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.
Bartlet : To what?
Sam: Ambassador to Paraguay.
Bartlet : And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay.
Sam: You make him ambassador to Bulgaria.
Bartlet : Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.
Sam: The Bulgarian ambassador is believed to be having an affair with the daughter of Prime Minister, Toder Lukanov.

Toby: We can create legitimate grounds for incompetence.
Bartlet : Well, it looks to me like there are legitimate grounds for incompetence, but... come up with different ones, would you?

Bartlet : If these numbers keep going down, I'm just a guy with Barry Haskel in his office.

Josh: Did Toby find a country?
Donna: The Federated States of Micronesia.
Josh: Is that a real country?
Donna: Yes, it's located 2500 miles southwest of Hawaii where you've never taken me.
Josh: When was I suppose to take you to Hawaii?
Donna: Anytime. It's something bosses do.

Josh : And you should've been more impressed that I was able to quote Theodore Roosevelt.
Joey (Kenny): I was impressed that you knew what 'polyglot' meant.
Josh : 760 SAT word, baby.

WHAT KIND OF DAY HAS IT BEEN

Bartlet : Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You're lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out."

Bartlet: Listen, have I gotten any of the names right so far?
Charlie: No sir, but you came damn close on a couple of them.

Bartlet : I am excited about it. You come to the end of a long day, you sit back, you open a beer, you watch a sporting event.That's what men do.
Charlie: Girl's softball.
Bartlet : If that's what's on, then that's what they watch. It's either that, or a cricket match between Scotland and Bermuda. Now, I am an educated man, Charlie, but when someone tries to explain cricket to me, all I want to do is hit him in the head with a teapot.

Toby: How did it get seen?
Josh: Iím sure that someone is looking into that.
Toby: I would think so.
Josh: In itís defense, the stealth fighter is a generation of technology behind the B-2 Spirit Bomber.
Toby: It's a stealth fighter; it should have stealth capabilities, right?
Josh: Sure.
Toby: 'Cause if it doesn't we should call it something else.

Josh : You've had some experience battling Jed Bartlett when he's right, and you've
had some experience battling him when he's popular. Why in the world would you want to try it when he's both at the same time?
Hoynes: You know something, Josh, sometimes I wonder if I'd listened to you two years ago, would I be President right now? Do you ever wonder that?
Josh : No sir, I know it for sure.

Leo: What are you doing?
Josh: You looked like you wanted to hug me.
Leo: Man did you read that wrong.

Danny : CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for
eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time
Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like
this!
CJ : Danny, I just gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said
that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning
News in that sentence.

Leo: Hey, Sam was here before. We've got some kind of signal?
...
Leo: What is that?
Josh: It's the signal.
Leo: It looks like a hip-hop gesture.
Josh: It's, uh, a plane taking off.
Leo: Doesn't look like a plane taking off.

# JOSH QUOTES

"Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your 6th grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale, and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps."

"That's what I do now. I'm a professional hostile witness." "I believe I would eat this book before I read it." "I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states; I was just hoping he would start with Delaware." "Donna, call FEMA in Georgia and use my name... and when that doesn't work use Leo's." "I'm a Fulbright scholar, Mrs. Landingham. I don't leer." "I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy, and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it's not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women." "President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me to do." "You know I realize as an adult not everyone shares my view of the world. And with an issue as hot as gun control I'm prepared to accept a lot of different points of view as being perfectly valid. But we can all get together on the grenade launcher, right?" "I've got nothing to do. Like a writer on a movie set." "Lady the god you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud." #

Return to Quotes index, or Site homepage.