IN THE SHADOW OF TWO GUNMEN
Governor Bartlet : "Let me put it this way, I voted against the bill because I didn't want to make it harder for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the president of the United States, you should vote for someone else."
Margaret : I can sign
the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.
Leo : You can sign the President's name?
Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?
Margaret: Yeah! Or... do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?
Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d'etat!
Margaret: Well. I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
Leo: I would think... And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's signature?
Margaret: It was just for fun.
Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret vetoeing things and sending them back to the Hill.
Bartlet: Willey's going
to drop out after South Carolina?
Leo: If he doesn't finish higher than third.
Bartlet: Are we going to get his endorsement?
Leo: We're going to get his money, that's for sure.
Bartlet: It's for sure?
Leo: Josh thinks it is.
Bartlet: Which one is Josh.
Josh: I am.
Josh: Well, I feel
bathed in the warm embrace of the candidate.
Leo: He's very easy to like, once you get to know him.
Josh: How many people get that far?
Leo: Not that many.
Josh: Who are you?
Donna: I'm Donna Moss, who are you?
Josh: I'm Josh Lyman.
Donna: I'm your new assistant.
Josh: Did I have an old assistant?
Donna: Maybe not.
Josh: Who are you?
Donna: I'm Donna Moss, I came here to volunteer and the woman assigned me to you.
Josh: Which woman?
Josh: You mean Margaret?
Josh: Who are you?
Donna: I'm Donna Moss, I'll be working as your assistant.
Josh: I'm going to talk to Margaret.
Abby: You can say it,
you know. It's not like I haven't heard it before.
Josh: Your husband's a real son of a bitch, Mrs. Bartlet.
Abby: He doesn't like being handled.
Josh: Governor, you
should really get back to the ballroom, so that you can get on a plane
and get to California.
Bartlet: He (Josh's late father) was a lawyer?
Josh: Yeah, a litigator.
Bartlet: Did he like that you were in politics?
Josh: I think he would have liked grandchildren more.
Bartlet: I've been
a real jackass to you, Josh.
Bartlet: To everybody. Toby Ziegler, CJ Cregg, Sam Seaborn.
Bartlet: Don't think I don't know what you gave up to work on this campaign, and don't think that I don't know your value. And I'll never make you think I don't again... You gotta be a little impressed that I got all those names right just now.
IN THIS WHITE HOUSE
TV Moderator : "Ainsley
Hayes, is that true?"
Ainsley : "No, it's not."
TV Moderator : "Is Sam Seaborn lying?"
Ainsley : "Lying's an awfully strong word... yes, he's lying. And we should tell the truth about education. The bill contained plenty of money for new textbooks - also, computer literacy, school safety, physical plant. The difference is we wanted to give the money directly to communities, and let them decide how best to spend it... on the off chance that the needs of Lincoln High in Dayton are different than the needs of Crenshaw High in South Central L.A."
Ainsley : "The bill contained plenty of money for textbooks, Mark, and anyone who says otherwise is flat-out lying. And we should tell the truth about this... textbooks are important, if for no other reason than they accurately place the town of Kirkwood in California and not in Oregon."
Sam (during break) : "Please oh please, let them not be watching."
Josh : "Toby, come
quick - Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl!"
Toby : "Ginger, get the popcorn..."
Ainsley : "Mr. McGarry, I loathe almost everything you believe in... I'm standing up which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world... I find this administration smug and patronizing and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are and with colder hearts."
Ainsley : "This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at 40 years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says lets try 40 more. This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them that they are cold and mean and racists and then accuses the Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them, except the second one."
Ainsley : "You don't like people who do like guns. You don't like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South."
Leo : "CJ Cregg thinks
you kill your pets. You don't do that do you?"
AInsley : "No, I don't kill my pets, I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but that doesn't matter..."
Leo: "Ainsley, don't
you want to work in the White House?"
Ainsley : "Oh, only since I was two."
Leo : "Okay then."
Ainsley : "It has to be *this* White House?"
AND IT'S SURELY TO THEIR CREDIT
Leo : You're going
to meet him (Tribbey) right now. It's going to be fine...
Ainsley: It's not going to be fine. He's gonna yell, and scream, I've seen him on TV.....
Bartlet : Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.
Ainsley (on Tribbey) : I'm a Republican and he's *incredibly* not.
Ainsley : You're sending me to the hill because I speak Republican?
Tribbey : These people
here are trying to do something. I'll have their backs while they're trying.
What are *you* doing here?
Ainsley : Serving my country.
Tribbey : Why not join the navy?
Ainsley : I was asked to do this.
Tribbey : And you said yes.
Ainsley : Yes.
Tribbey : Why?
Ainsley : I feel a sense of duty.
Tribbey : What, did you just walk out of 'The Pirates of Penzance'?
Ainsley : Hello...
Sam, Josh, CJ, Toby (sung) :
"He is an Englishman! He is an Englishman.
For he himself has said it, And it's greatly to his credit"
"But, in spite of all temptation to belong to other nations, He remains an Englishman."
THE LAME DUCK CONGRESS
Donna: You guys are
on the wrong side of this.
Josh: Aren't you one of "you guys?"
Donna: Not on this.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: Can I have a couple of aspirin or a weapon of some kind to kill people with.
Josh: ...and Republicans find the word "ergonomic" to be silly.
Josh: I need Vasily Konanov to meet with someone of absolutely not consequence. You're my girl.
Donna: My value here
is that I have no value.
Josh: You have enormous value to me, you have no value to Eastern Europe.
Josh: Oh, how I miss the Cold War.
Sam: Could somebody get her a cupcake or something?
THE PORTLAND TRIP
Bartlet : The Assistant
Energy Secretary is flying to Portland in the middle of the night so he
can meet with me on Air Force One on the way back?
Charlie : Yes sir.
Bartlet : The day-to-day experience of my life has changed in many ways since taking this job.
Danny : Are you being
CJ : I'm not being punished, I'm going on the trip.
Danny : If the whole bus goes off the record, will you tell us why you're going on the trip?
CJ : I made fun of Notre Dame.
Sam : Oratory should
raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We
should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions, we should
be talking about a permanent revolution.
Toby : Where have I heard that?
Sam : I got it from a book... The Little Red Book.
Toby : You think we should quote Mao Tse-tung?
Sam : We do need a permanent revolution.
Toby : Still, I think we'll stay away from quoting Communists.
Sam : You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everyone to be Communist?
Donna : Do you and
I look alike?
Ainsley : I'm sorry?
Donna : Do we look alike?
Ainsley : No.
Donna : I think it's because of the alabaster skin and the farm girl looks that...
Sam : Well over three
and a half centuries ago, sprinkling by faith and bound by a common
desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they
could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes. By day, they churn butter
and worship according to their own beliefs and by night, they solve crimes.
Toby : Read the thing.
Sam : Pilgrim detectives.
Toby : Do you see me laughing?
CJ : Every time we
come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with
Toby : We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam : And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby : Nobody here has checked out.
Josh : Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row, it came out tails.
Sam (about CJ) : Somebody needs to learn the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
Morton : I'm dropping
off the turkeys... Where should I put 'em?
Josh : CJ's office... I'd definitely put them in CJ's office.
Toby : Good idea.
Donna : Ever year on
Thanksgiving, the President pardons a turkey... and its your event.
CJ : Why are there two turkeys?
Donna : Customarily, the Press Secretary decides --
CJ : No.
Donna : -- which of the two finalists is more photogenic. Their names --
CJ : I don't want to know their names.
Donna : This one's Eric and this one's Troy.
CJ : In the following
days, we will be meeting with Reverend Al Caldwell, members of
Beijing's Embassy and INS agents. The president has asked Josh Lyman and Sam Seaborn to
run these meetings so it's entirely possible that by week's end we'll have alienated
Christians, China and our own government.
CJ : Okay, it's show
time guys. I've observed you under a number of conditions, and this
is the final. I don't like you wigging out in the President's face I just don't like
the photo, so... You both did fine. Troy, I want you know it was neck-and-neck but I'm giving
it to Eric. You were in it right to the end but it's the flapping thing you've got going
on. I tell you what's of some concern to me, had I been talking out loud this whole time,
that's very unsettling.
Josh : The INS agents
also feel it's not uncommon in this situation for refugees to... How
do I put it... Feign faith. So how do you tell the difference between...?
Bartlet : Do you guys know what a "shibboleth" is? It's from the Bible. "Then said now unto
him, say now "shibboleth" and he said "sibboleth" for he could not frame to pronounce it
right." It was a password, the way the army used to distinguish true Israelites from
impostors sent across the river Jordan by the enemy... I'm having one of the Chinese
refugees flown here. I'll meet with him tonight.
CJ : I need you to
pardon a turkey.
Bartlet : I already pardoned a turkey... aren't I gonna get a reputation for being soft on
CJ : They sent me two turkeys. The most photo-friendly of the two gets a Presidential
pardon and a full life at a children's zoo. The runner-up gets eaten.
Bartlet : If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
Bartlet : CJ, I have really no judicial jurisdiction over birds.
CJ : Yes, I know that, and you know that, but Morton Horn doesn't know that.
Bartlet : He's in high school and he doesn't know I can't pardon his turkey? CJ, if we don't
and I mean completely overhaul public education in this country...
Bartlet : Morton, I
can't pardon a turkey. If you think I can pardon a turkey, then you have
got to go back to your school and insist that you be better prepared to go out in
Donna : You can't pardon a turkey?
Bartlet : No. I tell you what I can do. I'm drafting this turkey into military service.
Toby : The Milwaukee
Journal is quoting an unnamed White House source as saying the President
doesn't like green beans.
Josh : That's a pretty slow news day in Milwaukee.
Josh : There's a Citizen's
Stamp Advisory Committee?
Leo : Yes.
Josh : Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?
Leo : You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?
Josh : I wanna mock people.
Donna : We have colonized
Puerto Rico and they will rise up against us.
Josh : I think we can take'em.
Donna : That's what we said about the British.
Josh : We took the British.
Donna : You know what I'm saying.
Josh : Hardly ever.
Josh : We think if
we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it to the center of the planet
and find water?
Toby : Yeah.
Josh : That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?
Bartlet : Modern music
sucks. Anything written after 1860 sucks.
Charlie : 'Samuel Barber, Symphony No. 2.'
Bartlet : Sucks.
Sam : Can I just say
that I was the one who was in trouble? I was the one under siege. It was
my picture in the paper. And, I don't know why I need to call you and explain
Mallory : It was a picture of you and a call girl.
Sam : Yeah, she's (Mallory) here. She snuck up on me from behind. You'd think women would make more noise with their big high heels, but they don't. They got this stealth thing going, which I really ought to be clever enough... (Mallory appears)
Mallory : And we went
to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars?
Sam : Because it's next. For we came out of the cave, and we looked over the hill, and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean, and we pioneered the West, and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on the timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.
THE LEADERSHIP BREAKFAST
Josh : And what stupid-ass
Irish thing did you say to Karen Cahill that you now need me to apologize
at Ben and Sally's like a little girl?... Let me tell you what was surprising
about that moment just then. I said that only 12 hours after you were very
cool about my almost accidentally setting the building on fire.
Leo : I made a joke about her shoes.
Sam : I don't do well
Donna : Why?
Sam : I get nervous.
Donna : What happens?
Sam : I become unimpressive.
Donna : You don't fall down, do you?
Sam : Once.
Leo : There was a freshman democrat who came to Congress 50 years ago. He turned to a senior Democrat and said, 'Where are the Republicans? I want to meet the enemy.' The senior Democrat said, 'The Republicans aren't the enemy. They're the opposition. The Senate is the enemy.' Those days are over.
Bartlet : Who's the
Charlie : Kim Woo of Singapore. You want the cheat sheet?
Bartlet : I don't need a cheat sheet. Kim Woo, he won a bronze medial for fencing, he's a Buddhist, and he enjoys European History. You see Charles's even thought it's a handshake, I'm able to make him feel like a friend and that's a little thing they call ‘people skills.'
Charlie : Kim Woo's a woman, sir.
Bartlet : The man's an Olympic athlete, Charlie. I wouldn't say that to his face.
Donna : Did you fall
down at all?
Sam : I did not. In fact, we were talking about the stability of former Soviet Republics and their fear of Islamic extremism and I have to say that I made some very scholarly points regarding the remains of nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan, and I have to believe...
Josh : Khazakhstan... The nuclear weapons are in Khazakhstan.
Sam : I said Kyrgyzstan? Yeah, well, Kyrgyzstan has no nuclear weapons. Khazakhstan is a country four times the size of Texas and has a sizable number of former Russian missile silos. Kyrgyzstan is on the side of a hill near China and has mostly nomads and sheep.
Sam : I said the wrong
Donna : Maybe not.
Sam : It was Karen Cahill. If there was a 99 out of a 100 chance of saying the right one, I said the wrong one. Yes. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go up to her 'Hi I'm Donna Moss, I don't know if you remember me, I'm Josh Lyman's assistant.' You just had to come up to her cause you knew she'd get a kick out of this. Sam Seaborn's being so cute, he was talking to you and he thinks he may have said Kyrgizstan when he obviously meant Kazakhstan.
Donna : Sam Seaborn's being so cute?
Sam : It's a private
poll. The press doesn't have access to it... The only way they'd know what
questions were being asked is if they were actually called by one of the
and... Oh my god!
CJ : Yes.
Sam : A reporter got called by one of the pollsters?
Josh : Wow. What are the chances of that?
Sam : The chances of that are astronomical.
Josh : We can calculate it. They sample 800 respondents...
CJ : Would the two of you stop being amazed by the mathematics!
Bartlet : Donna wants
me to call Karen Cahill and make it clear she wasn't hitting on her when
she gave her her underwear.
Leo : Yeah, that's because I made fun of her shoes and Sam said there were nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and Donna went to clear up the mix up and accidentally left her underwear.
Bartlet : There can't possibly be nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan.
Leo : Mr. President, please don't wade hip deep into this story.
Leo : Alexander Hamilton
didn't think we should have political parties. Neither did John Adams.
He thought political parties led to divisiveness.
Toby : They do. They should. We have honest disagreements. Arguments are good.
Leo : Only if they lead to statesmanship. Or it's just theatre. And statesmanship is compromise.
Toby : What about persuasion? They're coming for us, Leo.
Leo : I know.
Toby : I mean they're coming for us now.
THE DROP IN
Bartlet : Leo, were you born at age 55?
CJ : What are you doing?
Josh : I'm standing with my back straight against the wall.
CJ : Why?
Josh : I was told by the doctors it would relax me.
Donna : Are you threatened
by his brilliance?
Josh : Neither Leo or I are threatened by his brains, his looks or his charm. He is, however,
a lunatic Brit and we're grateful there's an ocean between us.
Josh : I'm just gonna, you know, stand next to the wall for a while longer.
Josh : Okay, what I
need people to do is knock.
Toby : I did knock.
Josh : But you didn't wait for a response.
Bartlet : The number of different words they had for "manipulative," Leo, there's no way they didn't have a thesaurus open in front of them.
Leo : I'm pushing you
to the missile defense shield cause I think it works.
Bartlet : Based on what?
Leo : Confidence. And the understanding that there's been a time in the evolution of everything that works when it didn't work.
Josh : You know, can I say this? Why don't we just give the sixty billion dollars to North Korea in exchange for not bombing us?
Bartlet : It's almost hard to believe that you're not on the National Security Council.
Josh : I know. I feel like they're missing an important voice.
BARTLET'S THIRD STATE OF THE UNION
Kenny (Joey) : Joshua
Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
Josh : Kenny, really, that better have been her talking.
Charlie: And why doesn't
he ask the First lady about the $500 check himself in the normal course
of, you know, being married to her.
Mrs. Landingham: When the President inquires into the First lady's personal bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry at him... and yells.
Charlie: Well, she's gonna get angry and yell when I inquire too.
Mrs. Landingham: Well, the President doesn't care so much about that.
Abby: What do you need?
Charlie: Ma'am, I'd like you to bear in mind that I'm not wearing pads, or a helmet or contact gear of any kind. A $500 check that hasn't been cashed...
Ainsley: Have you been
Ainsley: Aren't I delightful?
Ainsley : I am not
scared to meet the President cause I'm not gonna meet the President.
Sam : Ainsley...
Ainsley : I'm having a good night. I just want to keep having a good night. I don't want to live in fear of the inevitable bumbling of the English language that will occur and the mortification that will ensue...
Sam : That sounds pretty bad.
Ainsley : I am... yes... I am indeed... yes, I am scared to meet the President.
Sam : Yeah. And remember you're a blond republican girl and that nobody likes you.
Donna: 'Joey, would
you like to go out Friday night.' You know, you have to say it. You have
to ask a girl out on a DATE. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl
sideways and hopes she breaks up with you soon like you always do.
Donna : You want me to ask her out for you?
Josh: America is talking
and I'm trying to hear what they're saying.
Kenny (Joey) : They're saying that you're an egomaniac who needs to know the public loves you and that you'll have the numbers in five minutes.
Sam: I came down here
to tell you...
Ainsley: Oh dance with me, Sam!
Bartlet: I never even knew we had a nightclub down here...
Ainsley: Oh, my gosh!
Sam: Mr. President, I don't believe you've met Ainsley Hayes.
Bartlet: Yeah Ainsley, I wanted to say hello and to you know...mention 'a lot of people assumed you were hired because you're a blonde, republican sex kitten' and well, they're obviously wrong. Keep up the good work.
Ainsley: Yes, sir.
Sam : That could have been worse... No, probably not.
THE WAR AT HOME
Toby : He's not the
President of the United States. He's a junior Senator from North
Dakota where nobody lives! 'Cause it's too cold and they don't have a major sports
Donna : She wants you
to ask her out Josh.
Josh : She really doesn't.
Donna : You're missing the signs.
Josh : I'm really not
Donna : I know a thing or two about the ways of love.
Josh : No you don't.
Donna : You're missing the signs.
Josh : I'm thinking of firing you.
Donna : You fired me twice already tonight, I'm impervious.
Josh : All last night
at the phone banks, Donna was telling me I should ask Joey Lucas out.
Sam : You should.
Josh : Fine. But that aside what do you think about Donna being the one pushing.
Sam : I don't think anything.
Josh : You wouldn't think she'd be jealous.
Sam : She goes out with guys, do you get jealous?
Josh : No.
Sam : See.
Josh : I don't get jealous.
Josh : I don't like it and usually do everything within my considerable capabilities to
sabotage it... Which is why its curious that Donna would do nothing to discourage and in fact
everything to encourage a date with Joey Lucas who is, quite frankly a very attractive woman.
Josh : Why do you ask
me the question, when you're gonna have the conversation by yourself?
Donna : You want me to hold the phone for a while?
Josh : I can hold the phone... Take the phone.
Bartlet : We try to
get people to vote for us and in the process we hope the people force us
to do good things.
Josh : Numbers don't
Joey (Kenny) : They lie all the time. They lie when 72% of Americans say they're tired of a sex scandal, while all the while, newspaper circulation go through the roof for anyone
featuring the story. If you polled a a hundred Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you'd get a high positive response. But, the poll wouldn't tell you it's because she like you. And she's knows it's beginning to show and she needs to cover herself with misdirection.
Bartlet : I'll tell
you something Leo, after heroin and cocaine, tobacco is next.
Leo : Great. Another criminal empire we can give birth to.
Leo : I fought a jungle
war. I'm not doing it again. If I could put myself anywhere in
time, it would be the Cabinet room, on August 4, 1964. When our ships were attacked
by North Vietnam in the Tonkin Gulf. I'd say, "Mr. President... don't do it. Don't
consider authorizing a massive commitment of troops and throwing in our lot with
torturers and panderers, leaders without principle and soldiers without conviction;
no clear mission, and no end in sight." This war is at home. The casualties are in our prisons, and not our hospitals. The amount of money the American government is spending in Columbia is the exact same amount American consumers are spending buying drugs from Columbia, we're funding both sides of this war and we'll never win it that way.
Bartlet : You know
what Truman Capote said was the bad part about living outside the law?
Leo : What?
Bartlet : It's that you no longer have the protection of it.
Josh : All right. First
things first - what time is it in Tokyo?
Toby : They're fourteen hours ahead.
Josh : I thought it was thirteen.
CJ : Guys, there are clocks on the wall!
Sam : He's going to
travel Easward from Tokyo, leaving at seven pm, so when he crosses the
Toby : He will have traveled back in time to what?
Sam : 3am.
CJ : Which puts him down in Washington at 6pm Thursday.
Josh : He's gonna land in Washington an hour before he took off? ...And that's not a story that beats the Surgeon General?
Bartlet : I've got to hand it to you guys: you've pulled off a political first. You've managed to win me the support of the Christian Right and the Cheech and Chong Fan Club in the same day.
Toby : I bring you
here, and we sit, and we have coffee, and we have Danish, in the hope that
calmer and, dare I say, prettier heads prevail.
Andi : Oh, I miss patronizing, sexist Toby.
Toby : I was referring to myself.
Toby : Put the Danish down.
Charlie : Well he would
have especially enjoyed the scene where the Prince Myshkin character has
a seizure while engaging in an erotic fantasy in a Long Island church.
Mrs Landingham : Charlie, please don't say the word "erotic" in the Oval Office.
Charlie : I'd be perfectly happy never to say any of those words anywhere ever again.
Margaret (to the Surgeon General): Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?
Andi : I find that when I skip over the first step and move right to the second step, it becomes a lot harder for people to say no.
SOMEONE'S GOING TO EMERGENCY...
Toby : In my day, we
knew how to protest.
CJ : What day was that?
Toby : 1968.
Josh : How the hell old were you when you were protesting?
Toby : My sisters took me.
Toby : The police are always seven steps ahead of them. The cops know exactly where they're going to be and what's going to happen. You know how they know? By logging onto their website. We had the underground. We had rapid response.
CJ : And by God, you were home by supper on a school night.
Toby : These people are amateurs. What's my assignment?
Leo : Meeting with the amateurs.
Charlie : I've got
it here in my notes. "Requires that all non-housing farm and ranch structures
built prior to 1900 be preserved by the owners unless destroyed by an act
Bartlet : What plaid flannel-wearing, cheese-eating, yahoo of a milkman governor signed that idiot bill into state law? ...It was me, wasn't it?
Sachs : Rhonda Sachs.
They asked me to make sure you go home in one piece.
Toby : You fully trained?
Sachs : Yes.
Toby : How many different ways you know how to kill a man?
Sachs: How many different ways do I need?
Toby : I like you.
Toby : You want the
benefits of free trade? Food is cheaper.
Sachs : Yes.
Toby : Food is cheaper, clothes are cheaper, steel is cheaper, cars are cheaper, phone service is cheaper. You feel me building a rhythm here? That's 'cause I'm a speechwriter and I know how to make a point... It lowers prices, it raises income. You see what I did with 'lowers' and 'raises' there?
Sachs : Yes.
Toby : It's called the science of listener attention. We did repetition, we did floating opposites and now you end with the one that's not like the others. Ready? Free trade stops wars. And that's it. Free trade stops wars! And we figure out a way to fix the rest! One world, one peace. I'm sure I've seen that on a sign somewhere.
Sachs : God, Toby...Wouldn't it be great if there was someone around here with communication skills who could go in there and tell them that?
THE STACKHOUSE FILIBUSTER
CJ : It's our first
filibuster, and I'm not a rules expert, but the rules of a filibuster are
simple enough - you keep the floor as long as you hold the floor. What does that mean?
It means you can't stop talking, ever. You can't eat, and you can't drink, which is fine,
because you can't leave the chamber to use the bathroom, either. But all that's nothing
compared to this: you're not allowed to sit down-you're not allowed to lean on anything
or, for that matter, anyone.
Senator Stackhouse :That is how you prepare Virginia Green apple pie. Let's turn now to David Copperfield...
CJ : If you ever have
a free two hours and are so inclined, try standing up without leaning on
anything and talking the whole time. You won't make it. I wouldn't make it. Stackhouse
wasn't supposed to last 15 minutes. He's 78 years old. Well, somebody forgot to tell Stackhouse, Dad, cause he just went into hour number eight.
Josh : Did you get
Donna : Yes, I did... They were very pretty.
Josh : Do you know why I sent them to you?
Donna : I know why you think you sent them to me.
Josh : It's our anniversary!
Donna : No, it's not.
Josh : I'm the kind of guy who remembers these things!
Donna : No, you're the kind of guy who sends a woman flowers to be mean. You're the only person I've met who can do that!
Josh : I'm quite something.
Sam : You're going
back to Smith College, the cradle of feminism, to argue in opposition of
the Equal Rights Amendment? They're gonna hate you.
Ainsley : I'm a straight Republican from North Carolina, and you don't think they hated me the first time around?
Sam : A few years ago, Donna's boyfriend broke up with her so she started working for Josh. But then, the boyfriend told her to come back, and she did. And then they broke up, and she came back to work... I thought you meant *you* didn't want to talk about it... I'm a spokesman - it's in my blood.
Sam : We're not making
fun of the host.
Ainsley : Who are we making fun of?
Everyone else : Republicans!
Sam : If the Amendment's
redundant, what's your problem if it's passed or not?
Ainsley : Because I'm a Republican! Have we met? I believe that every time the federal government hands down a new law, it leaves for the rest of us a little less freedom. So I say, let's just stick to the ones we absolutely need to have water come out of the faucet
and our cars not stolen. That is my problem with passing a redundant law.
Toby : You don't have
to break the law to get served with articles of impeachment.
Leo : Toby, it is never gonna get that far.
Toby : Write down the exact date and time you said that.
Sam : When I was downstairs,
I made a decision. I'm gonna register with the Republican Party - and I'll
tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving
Ainsley : We also like beef.
Donna : I'm gonna give
you a little gift right now, which you don't deserve.
Josh : Donna, if you've got your old Catholic-school uniform on under there, don't get me wrong, I applaud the thought, but...
Donna : Okay, what I need is for you to stop being like, you, for a second.
Donna : I was actually
in a car accident... Anyway, they took me to the hospital and I called
him and he came to get me and on the way he stopped and met some friends
of his for a beer. Does this make you feel superior? Yes, you are better
than my old boyfriend.
Josh : I'm just sayin' - if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.
Donna : If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights. Thanks for taking me back. Oh, and the flowers are beautiful.
Toby : It's seventeen
people, by the way.
Bartlet : I'm sorry?
Toby : You knew. We weren't counting you. It's seventeen people.
THE FALL'S GONNA KILL YOU
CJ : I think this is going really well so far, Oliver. It's almost hard to believe that four different women have sued you for divorce.
Oliver : In my entire life I've never found anything charming.
Toby : He calls you
and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing... We're Batman and Robin!
Sam : Which one's which?
Toby : Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam : I'm not Robin.
Toby : Yes, you are.
Sam : Okay, well, let's move off this.
Toby : You bet, little friend.
Sam : First of all,
it's bad writing. It sounds like it was written by a high school girl.
Helen : Is there something wrong with the way a woman writes?
Sam : There usually is when she's in high school.
Sam : Henry, last fall, every time your boss got on the stump and said, "It's time for the rich to pay their fair share," I hid under a couch and changed my name. I left Gage Whitney making $400,000 a year, which means I paid twenty-seven times the national average in income tax. I paid my fair share, and the fair share of twenty-six other people. And I'm happy to because that's the only way it's gonna work, and it's in my best interest that everybody be able to go to schools and drive on roads, but I don't get twenty-seven votes on Election Day. The fire department doesn't come to my house twenty-seven times faster and the water doesn't come out of my faucet twenty-seven times hotter. The top one percent of wage earners in this country pay for twenty-two percent of this country. Let's not call them names while they're doing it, is all I'm saying.
Leo : Come see the
President and me a minute, would you?
Sam : Yeah.
Toby : I'll be here in the office when you're done.
CJ : You guys are like Butch and Sundance peering over the edge of a cliff to the boulder-filled rapids 300 feet below, thinking you better not jump 'cause there's a chance you might drown. The President has this disease and has been lying about it, and you guys are worried that the polling might make us look bad? It's the fall that's gonna kill ya.
18TH AND POTOMAC
Warren: How exactly
are the Justice Department litigators going to demonstrate that?
Josh: Well... I'm not a litigator and I don't work at the Justice Department, and there's a reason why both those things are true... but I wouldn't think it'd be that hard to prove that the tobacco companies have lied since we already know they did!
Rossitter: Every Surgeon General since 1964 has warned the public about smoking and since 1966
through a Congressional mandate a pack of cigarettes has to carry a warning label. Turning around now and saying 'we've been had' is frankly ridiculous.
Josh: Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too
stupid to live?
Rossitter: No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.
Josh: Every day, the Justice Department uncovers the evidence that cigarette companies knew far better than the rest of us, that smoking causes death and disease. To say nothing of the CEOs being the last seven people on earth to discover that nicotine was addictive.
Warren: Josh. Your administration wants to prosecute a suit they know is hopeless, so they can
score points at the expense of an industry that funds your opponent. It's politically correct extortion.
Toby (after telling
Donna): If everybody out there takes it the way she did, we may be okay.
If a few more people in here took it the way she did, that'd be all right,
Josh: Was that for me?
Toby: That was for me.
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