Warning: New Computer Viruses

Microsoft Ireland has just issued a "high alert" warning concerning a new strain of computer virus that affects Irish personal computers. Many of these are most active during the summer months, and affect Outlook Express users. Infected messages contain the letters "GAA" in the Subject line.

MEATH VIRUS: Throws you out of Windows.

CLARE VIRUS: Memory forgets everything before 1995.

KERRY VIRUS: Five years of hard work wiped out by undetected Offaly mail.

WATERFORD VIRUS: Not due to strike again for another 40 years.

COLIN LYNCH VIRUS: Boots up some Waterford machines and carries on as if nothing happened.

MAYO VIRUS: Always billed as harmful, but really nothing to worry about.

MICK O'DWYER VIRUS: Attempts to install lots of foreign programs to replace existing slow-running applications.

LIMERICK HURLING VIRUS: Causes problems for 65 minutes then disappears, never to be seen again.

JOHN MAUGHAN VIRUS: System crashes in September.

DAVID FORDE VIRUS: Hasn't been seen since the "Michael Duignan Virus Killer" was invented.

MICHAEL DONNELLAN VIRUS: Attacks operating system and timekeeper and then deletes all records of this ever occurring.

GER LOUGHNANE VIRUS: Speakers emit a continuous whining sound, keeps generating data corruption messages, PC blows up but it won't accept any blame.

MARTIN LYNCH VIRUS: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.

The two main games of the GAA (gahhhhh) are "football" and "hurling", the chief difference being that in football, the fights are unarmed. There is also "camogie," which is like hurling, except that in fights the hair may be pulled as well.

Here we deal with hurling

^©

Lesson #1:
"What the feck is Hurling?"

Hurling is an ancient game from the Ice Age, but it didn't get official recognition until approximately 1889 or thereabouts. As Liam Griffin, the former Wexford hurling manager and amateur poet, once described it: "Hurling is the Riverdance of sport."

NB: This doesn't mean that it involves loads of tap-dancing by poncy blokes in black mini-skirts (or girls either). Hurling is actually a venerable outdoor activity, a traditional game of immense skill in which people of all ages beat the crap out of each other with quite big sticks. It also involves a ball (called a "Sliotar"), two goalposts (shaped like a "H", or a "h" if they need repairing), and a very muddy field named after a dodgy bishop.

The ball is about the same size as a tennis ball, only much heavier if you get whacked with one. If you get the ball over the bar but between the posts (as if they extended infinitely into the air), you get one point.

When you do this, you get a damn big cheer and people slap you on the back and say "Fair play". If you get it under the H, you get a goal. This is worth three points. So you get three times as much cheers. More about cheering techniques in lesson six or seven.

There are 15 players in each team, until several of them are sent off. The players' sticks are called "hurleys" (after which Elizabeth Hurley's family gets its name). These sticks have a broad bit at one end called the bas (boss). The rest is called "the rest". Incidentally, one of Ireland's former taoisigh (but not Jack Lynch) was also known as The Bas, and also sometimes called The Crook.

Fair play to ya! You've reached the end of lesson one! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until the next lesson.... ...and we are outta here. Remember: In case of doubt, just make what you think you know sound convincing.

Lesson #2:
Now, where were was I? Oh yeah
"GETTING A STICK"

A hurling stick or "hurley" is essential for every hurling fan. They are available at your local sports shop, usually next to the Liverpool and Chelsea shirts, for a very modest sum. But if you're from abroad you can easily make one yourself. All it takes are the following readily available items:
* 1 large ash tree
* 1 axe/saw
* 1 plane
* 2-3 other tools
* 1 good carpenter (or "chippy")

Well done! Now that you have a hurley, it's time to pick your team. This is normally not required, because you are simply stuck with the parish/town/county you were born in. You are also stuck with a geansai (jumper or jersey) of a particular colour and shape. But for The O'Byrne Files many overseas readers this may not be an option. So you will have to plump for either Wexford or Kilkenny - because these are good hurling counties but brutal at football (let's keep it simple) - or Cork if the worst comes to the worst.

Fair play to ya! You've reached the end of lesson 2! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until taking the next lesson.

Welcome back to the The O'Byrne Files © easy-to-follow, comprehensive online cut-out-and-keep guide on how to follow the sport called "hurling".
Lesson #3:
"Going to your first match"

For this you will need the following equipment:
# A decent coat
# 1 umbrella
# Several wire coathangers
# 4 washing up liquid bottles
# An assortment of beer-mats
# 1 roll of Sellotape
# 1 pair of wellies
# 1 cap
# A good bit of cash (at least £30-£40*)

(* It is often necessary to bring more money than this of course, e.g. you might have to survive for a week in a strange town if you are up for a big match such as a provincial final, or if you go on something called an "All Ireland Almight Bender".)

On arrival at the ground, make a rough assessment of the players' ages. If they look like they're under 18, you're at a "Minors" match. Any older and you're probably at a "Seniors". Unless, that is, they are Under 21s. To complicate things, though, some players could be playing both Senior and Under 21. Then again, others simply give up playing. And sometimes they are actually picked for an important game and though they are on the pitch they aren't actually playing. Seasoned match-goers often refer to this condition by its old Irish terms (either "Arafeck yalayzee bollicsya" or "Getuptha fieldya cunchya").

For the first few matches, keep as quiet as possible: listen to the other fans nearby, and if asked a question, answer as briefly as possible and never smile. It is always better to communicate with a quick nod or shrug of the shoulders rather than actually talking. Remember to clap when everyone else claps or jumps in the air.

Then in the pub afterwards, you might be asked to re-create the finer moments of the game you have just witnessed. The Fairy Liquid bottles make an ideal bottom of the goalposts, and construct the rest of the posts with the coat hangers and sticky-back plastic. Get a sharp Stanley knife (always ask an adult to help you) and cut the beer-mats into the shapes of each member of both teams, in order to create that vivid action replay in full colour.

Fair play to ya! You've reached the end of lesson 3! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until the next lesson....

The most important part of hurling is knowing how to cheer. All cheering phrases begin with a "Grrrr" sound, and almost all end in a "yahh!" sound. You will also need to lower your voice as far as it will go. Practise this voice in the bath and on your kids/little sister/pet dog. Remember that even if your team scores a point or three, your voice must always sound a bit angry and growly.

Next you have to get the accent right. The accent can be easily picked up at a local pub or Spar supermarket. To cheer properly you will also need one of the following multi-purpose phrases so you can fit in properly.

* Come on ya!
* JAYssis yafeckya!
* Come on now yaboya!
* Clatter dafecker!
* That's the ball yafeckineejitya!
* Pull!
* Take him down!
* Oh Noooooooooooo!

Fair play! You've reached the end of lesson 4! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until the next lesson....

In English premiership football, due to the inclement weather you will find many teams togged out in shorts that stretch down to their knees, and in the style of Accrington Stanley circa 1880. But in hurling (and Gaelic football too), there's no mucking about: shorts live up to their name. They are much shorter. In fact the shorter your shorts are when playing hurling, the more you will distract your opposition, and the more likely you are to win. Who needs skill!

Fair play! You've reached the end of lesson 5! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until I find out more and get around to telling ye....

You spend all winter on the beer speculating on who will be brought in to manage the junior hurling team next year.

The hardest tackle you will make all year is in an indoor soccer match in January.

When you break your borther-in-law's leg.

There are 35 at training under lights on a bitter February night (unfit but enthusiastic) - the average for Augsut is 7 (unfit, sick of training, reading Teagasc manuals and making silage)

The club treasurer spends some time at the AGM lamenting the yearly cost of running a club and especially the bill for hurleys; a month later, the team is being urged to "give 'em timber lads - we have plenty of hurleys on the sideline..."

When you go for a pick-up, you tap the ball at least twice on the hurley before you fumble it.

Ground hurling is for juveniles and camogie players.

The full forward has his son and grand nephew in the corners.

The grand nephew is two years older.

For a 2.30 throw-in, you start packing your gear bag at 2.40 and still manage to be on the field before the referee even arrives.

You can get a match called off because your star player is playing divisional under-16 the following week

Your tight marking corner back never gives an inch - except of course, when the ball gets inside his own 50 and he charges out after it with all the other backs, forgetting that the other team are even on the field.

Your goalie lets in a sitter every second game - this usually happens after you have scored 5 points from play to reel in a difficult half-time deficit.

Or in the first minute if it is a final.

Your full-forward can't score but "he's a good man to bust up the play".

Your centre-forward can't score either but "he'll stop a good man from hurling".

Your championship is either a round robin that requires you to play six league games to eliminate one team, or a knockout starting in October.

Any members of your panel who claim to have back injuries are either lazy or completely daft. Unless you can see blood, bruises or bandages, they are making it up.

Before every match, the forwards are told to stay wide and not bunch - but this is not what happens. The only time any forward goes wide is to take a sideline cut or if they are looking for water.

Your backs play from behind waving a hurley with one hand while resting the other on the forward's back - this is why all your scores and all their scores come from frees.

You can't field a team during the fortnight of the Leaving Cert.

The more people instruct you to "let fly if you don't get it up the first time", the more you ignore them.

Your left-corner-back plays at No.4 because he can only strike off his left side.

Ditto No.7.

Your star player always has one other brother "that was even better but he couldn't stay off the drink".

Fair play! You're a junior hurler, and you've reached the end of lesson 6! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until we have our next lesson....

This is probably the most difficult lesson in the entire series, particularly if you're from abroad. There is probably no more famous name in Gaelic Games than Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh. Well, apart perhaps from Tommy Semple, Jason Sherlock, Master McGrath, Cusack Park, Bibi Baskin and Lana Bus.

"Micheál" is Irish for, well, "Micheál". A rough translation into other European languages is "Mikhail" or "Michelle". All of Ireland's greatest broadcasters have the first name of Micheál, with two notable exceptions: Gay Byrne and Gabriel Byrne. And Ó Muircheartaigh is a good South Kerry name. In English it roughly translates as Moriarty.

Broadcaster Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh became famous from Ireland to Timbuktu for the special language he developed for people to talk about Hurling in all its glory. Micheál also covers major greyhound meetings, and beneath that genial exterior is a man of steel and a fierce competitor on the golf course.

Fair play! You're a junior hurler, and you've reached the end of lesson seven! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until we have our next lesson....

Lesson #8:
"Heroes Of Hurling History"

The first hero of hurling history was Cuchulainn, who was a sort of Herculean hero in early Irish politics and was apparently related to C. J. Haughey. We also forgot to mention in Lesson 1 that clansmen practised "shinty", the Scottish form of hurling, alone in the hills of the Highlands (it was a solo game there for obvious reasons) and around St Andrews Golf Course. This led to the creation of golf.

Hurling also reached Nova Scotia in the early 1800s and was picked up by the Micmac Indians, to create the multimillion-dollar sport known today as "Ice Hockey". Hence the famous ballad "Micmac Paddywhack Give A Dog A Bone".

Fair play! You're a junior hurler, and you've reached the end of lesson eight! Now turn off your PC and memorise all this until we have our next lesson....

An essential part of hurling is knowing how to talk the talk. While there are significant regional variations in this way of speaking, many of the key terms are much the same from county to county. Take how they talk the talk in the west. For example, try getting your teeth into the unofficial "Galway GAA Glossary"...

According to the glossary, here are the main VERBS you'll need:

Welt - swing at.

Bata - eg "I gave it bata" - I put a fair bit of effort into it.

Warp - hit something hard as in "I'll f*ckin' warp you."

Horsed - bout of rough play or intimidatory tactics as in we horsed them out of it. Sometimes referred to as kicking/batin' the shit out of the opposing team.

Leh-it-in-ta-fuck-weddya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass.

Yabollixya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his esteemed opponent.

Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?

Next we come to the essential ADJECTIVES:

Stomached - surprised eg. "Jaysus when he came up behind me I was awful stomached."

Mighty - very good.

Mantach - missing front teeth eg. Mairtin Staunton is mantach.

Bullin' - angry. eg. "the centre half back was bullin' after I lamped him".

Bull thick - very angry.

Bushted - broken, e.g. "Jayz me arm is bushted."

Blast - A great amount of anything.

Rake - Also a great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness (as in "a rake of pints").

And finally there are ALL THE OTHER BITS that go between the adjectives and verbs:

Hames - a right shite - eg. "he made a hames of that clearance".

Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent.

Lamp - a good thump.

Schkelp - another good thump.

Joult - a push.

Joshel - a shoulder push.

The Comm-it-eeee - Local GAA bullshitters in general.

A Crowd - Eg. "that crowd from Ardrahan are a right shower of shites".

The Bomber - a very popular nickname for a GAA player.

A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles.

Citeog - he hit it with his citeog. ie. left handed/footed.

A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one another but not exactly hittin' anyone at the same time!

Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game..... eg. "Jayz Paulie Cooney gave Pateen Og an awful flakin' below in Loughrea on Sunday". To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off with a bit of the aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and develops into a bit of "weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for the victim especially if he gets "bull thick".

Mullocker - untidy or awkward player.

Horse - another untidy or rough player. There's one in every club.

Burst the C**t - Common exhortation also referred to as the Turlough roar.

Row - Fight involving four or more players swinging hurls like lunatics.

Massive Row - Row involving both team, substitutes and supporters jumping fences.

Running Row - A massive row that continues out in the parking area and or dressing room areas.

Fair play! You can talk the talk like a Galway hurler, and you've reached the end of lesson 9!

Hurling is regarded as a culchie game until Dublin win a match when it suddenly becomes "Hooorlin', da fastest field sport in da bleedin' wooorld".