How To Destroy Planet Earth (In Five Easy Steps)

by Russell Bolding

 email: russbo1@hotmail.com

 

FADE IN:

EXT. HOUSE - DAY

The house - small and quaint, nothing too fancy - perfect for a single owner. Small trees in the front yard sway in the slow breeze. A very bright morning it is.

INT. HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY

A tiny, almost spotless, room.

Posters from various science fiction films, mostly those featuring aliens, alien invasions, and the unknown, adorn the walls.

Also tacked on the wall: an Atlanta Thrashers hockey jersey and poster.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! A figure under the sheets GROANS as an alarm clock on a nearby night stand awakens her.

Slowly, TAI MATTHEWS, female, attractive, late ‘20s, emerges from the sheets with really messed up hair. She smacks her lips, thoroughly rubs her face as she awakens.

The alarm clock continues to beep. Annoyed, Tai gets out of bed, grabs the hockey stick beside the night stand, and bashes the hell out of the alarm clock - it shatters to pieces.

From under her bed, Tai nonchalantly pulls out a brand new alarm clock, the time already set out of the box.

She sweeps off the old clock pieces with her hand and places the new one down.

A sticker across the front of the clock reads: SUPER ATOMIC CLOCK - NEVER NEEDS SETTING OR RESETTING.

She smiles, quite smugly, and walks out of the room.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Tai lays out her brushing tools perfectly in front of her.

Tai brushes her teeth in front of a mirror, stares blankly at her tired, bored face.

Tai militantly flosses, then gargles mouthwash, then flosses some more.

2.

Tai leaves the bathroom, enters the

KITCHEN

On the kitchen table: an envelope and a note propped against a box.

Tai OPENS and CLOSES the fridge. She walks back to the table with a carton of orange juice, takes a swig, wipes her mouth.

TAI

What is all this?

A MALE VOICE with a deep, raspy, manly, Southern drawl calls out.

MALE VOICE (O.S.)

 Your surprise birthday party! Come in here and see me, girl.

TAI

Daddy? Daddy, is that you?

Tai sets her juice down on the table.

She runs to the

LIVING ROOM

and on her couch sits her father, GORDON MATTHEWS, 50s, tough, toned, tan, rugged, like a leather strap.

Beside him is Tai’s mother, RUTH, also 50s, in business attire, hair in a bun, her face scowls. She looks like she could be a bitch.

Gordon looks at Tai, smiles.

GORDON

 Morning, sweet pea!

TAI

 Daddy!

Tai lowers her head.

TAI

 Mother.

RUTH

 Tai.

GORDON

 We just wanted to drop by and wish you an early happy birthday for tomorrow.

3.

GORDON

It’s going to be a big day for you and we won’t be able to speak.

Tai looks up at Gordon.

TAI

 It’s okay, Daddy. I understand.

A disapproving look covers Gordon’s face.

GORDON

Your mother and I are going outta town to Pamplona, Spain in a few hours, by the way.

TAI

 Really?

GORDON

Yep. Seems your mother thinks runnin’ down an unfamiliar street avoidin’ a pokin’ from horny bulls would be a hoot.

Tai lets out a hearty laugh, stops abruptly and snorts.

Ruth fires off dirty looks to both Tai and Gordon.

RUTH It may just be the most fun you’ve ever had, Gordon. And Tai, don’t snort. It’s unbecoming of you.

TAI Sorry Mother.

GORDON It’s alright, sweetie. Anyway, I forgot I promised your mom we could do whatever she wanted on our 30th anniversary - my first mistake.

Ruth’s jaw drops.

She punches Gordon’s arm.

Tai smiles.

GORDON

Ow! Well, I guess we’d better head off to the airport. I just wanted to see my little girl one more time before we left.

A tear forms in Tai’s eye.

4.

TAI

I miss you so much, Daddy.

GORDON

 I miss you too, baby girl. Hey, buck up, kiddo. You’ll be fine. Did you see that box on your kitchen table?

TAI

Yeah?

GORDON

That’s your birthday present. You have to open it today but don’t do it until after we leave.

TAI

Why Daddy?

GORDON

You like surprises, doncha?

TAI

Yeah.

GORDON

 Think of this as one big surprise. And don’t be afraid of the box, Tai. You won’t find a bomb or severed head in it or anything. Just trust me.

TAI

Okay. Wait, let me go get it.

GORDON

Tai, wait.

RUTH

 Let her go, Gordon.

Tai

 runs out of the room briefly. Gordon and Ruth glance at each other.

A moment later, Tai returns to the room with the box in tow. She pants, miserably out of breath, but regains composure quickly.

TAI

 This?

GORDON

Yeah, that.

5.

TAI

Awfully small to be a severed head.

GORDON

 See? What did I tell you? Don’t worry about it.

Ruth pokes Gordon with her elbow, he looks back at her. She glares at him.

GORDON

 Ow!

RUTH

 Gordon, hon, we’d better go now.

GORDON

 Yeah, sure.

Gordon stands up. Ruth stays. She takes Gordon’s hand.

RUTH

 I need a word with Tai before we go. Girl talk and stuff. I’ll be out in a second.

GORDON

Okay.

Gordon goes to Tai, leans in with a kiss and hug.

GORDON

Smile, my ray of sunshine.

TAI

 I love you Daddy.

GORDON

 I know. Bye, sweetie.

Gordon walks to the front door opens it and walks out.

Tai grabs a small decorative pillow and clutches it.

RUTH

I’m sorry I haven’t been around much lately. Work has been a bear as I’m sure you can understand.

Tai looks uninterested.

RUTH

 Wh -- what’s that you’re doing? Are you ignoring me, young lady? You need to seriously pay attention to me, alright?

6.

Tai pouts.

RUTH

Now, do you have everything you need? Are you in need of any supplies?

Ruth pauses, sniffs the air, talks to herself.

RUTH

Something’s not right. You’ve been sluffing off, haven’t you?

Ruth stands, walks behind Tai’s chair, places her hands on the top of the chair.

RUTH

 What have you accomplished in the time I’ve been gone? Anything? You’re not concentrating on your mental exercises to tighten up your state of mind.

Tai looks straight ahead, answers defensively.

TAI

I’ve mopped, washed dishes and clothes, dried the clothes, vacuumed the carpets --

RUTH

That’s not what I meant. I can see your physical accomplish --

TAI

No! I haven’t done squat.

RUTH

You’re not concentrating on your mental exercises to tighten up your state of mind?

TAI

 No, okay? I’ve been a little busy being a nut job.

Ruth’s eyes widen, then squint.

RUTH

Watch the attitude, watch the tone.

An uncomfortable silence. Ruth steps back, shakes her head. Tai turns to see Ruth.

7.

RUTH

You know, you’re undeserving of the things you have, especially life. I really can’t stay to discuss this but I will be back around later in the week to check up on --

Tai darts up out of her chair, drops her box, grabs Ruth by her dress jacket and guides her to the

FRONT DOOR

TAI

 Out! Out! Out! Get out!

The front door swings wide, then --

BLAM! Tai slams the door and breaks the glass in the window of the door, shards of GLASS SHATTER scatter.

Tai dusts off her hands, picks up her box, shakes her head, walks back to the

KITCHEN

and sets the box down on the table.

Tai knocks back the rest of the juice and, Michael Jordon- style, tosses the empty carton at a trash can across the room - it goes in.

TAI

Slam dunk! Yeah! Bet I’ll never be able to do that again!

STUPID CAT, her feline friend, sashays into the room and gives Tai a morning howdy.

TAI

 Stupid Cat, hey sweetheart! Where have you been all night?

Tai picks up the cat. It meows.

TAI

 Oh really? Well, let me tell you something, buddy boy, I was worried sick about you!

The cat gives her a vacuous look.

TAI

 Let me know next time you decide to disappear like that, okay?

8.

Tai sets the cat down. It rubs itself all over Tai’s leg, purrs with delight.

TAI

 You’re forgiven.

It stands on its hind legs, stretches, props itself against Tai and taps her with its paw.

TAI

 You look hungry. Want a bite to eat?

Stupid Cat takes off out of the room.

TAI

You retard.

Tai takes her box and follows the cat.

INT. TAI’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Tai plops down on the floor, holds and tenderly caresses her birthday box. Broken glass is everywhere. TAI She’ll never understand. The front door reopens and Ruth steps back in briefly. She’s shocked to see Tai on the floor. RUTH Here. This was left on the front porch. What are you doing?! TAI Please leave. And leave behind whatever you’ve found right there. Ruth places a box on the floor in front of Tai. RUTH

Sakes alive, girl. She closes the door behind her. Tai looks at the new box on the floor, squints at it. She replaces her birthday box with the new one and looks

it over. TAI Must be my online order. She looks for something to open the box with - on the coffee table, a letter opener.

9.

She grabs the opener, rips open the box, digs through it, packing peanuts fly everywhere. Stupid Cat stares at her like she’s an idiot.

A big wide smile slowly forms on Tai’s face. She empties the contents - a container of powdered milk, a box of Kitty Kins dry cat food and a large tub of peanut butter.

TAI

Ooo... sustenance.

She rips off the peanut butter lid, peels open the vacuum seal and licks her lips.

Two fingers go in for a scoop --

Tai raises her head, interrupted by a purr. Stupid Cat squats in front of her. The cat licks her lips, too. Tai catches herself and replaces the lid on the tub.

TAI

 Oh god, what am I doing?

She looks at the other box beside her. She sets the tub aside and reaches for that box. She places it in her lap.

TAI

 If there’s a severed head in here, I’m going to be so miffed.

Tai sighs, takes the letter opener again, cuts through

the tape used to seal the box. She opens the box, slowly digs her hands in and pulls out a thin, light blue jacket.

A label on it reads: “MEMBERS ONLY”. Tai exhales. TAI No severed head. Good. That’s

good. She looks back at the box. Her face grows concerned. She closes her eyes, reaches into the box and feels

around inside. She smiles and pulls out a T-shirt to her eye level. A caption on the front: “WATCH THE SKIES”.

10.

TAI

 Wicked!

Tai peers at the box again - it appears empty. She turns it upside down, shakes it, and a 4 x 6 inch cardboard movie ticket drops to the floor.

TAI

 What the --

She picks up the ticket; an ear to ear grin forms and her face lights up.

A caption on the card reads: “BY INVITATION ONLY! FOR ONE SPECIAL NIGHT -THE AMERICAN CLASSIC: CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND - 8:00 P.M. SHARP!

TAI

 Now how cool is that? But, it starts at 8 tonight. Am I really ready for this?

EXT. STREET - DAY

Tai speeds off on her bicycle.