An Introduction

by The Author

Do you know the difference between a white cube and a brown pipe? If someone came up to you at a private view and asked you to look after their bollard would you say 'okay' or give them one of your withering looks?

As the above paragraph suggests, the art world is riven with codes, ciphers and obscure terminology. These days, with the stakes higher than they have ever been (up 31% since 1997) the art person risks an immediate fall from whatever grace they have managed to build up if they are not au fait with the current langue du monde.

Such career-shattering shittery can be avoided, however, by paying close attention to this Guide, which has been digitised and is now accessible, 24 hours a day, on the World Wide Web as a resource for worried artists, anxious gallerists, fearful curators, and critics.

If you're planning any kind of communication with other art world types, try the Phrase Book. Just pick your situation and you will receive all the terminology you need to feel at ease and not the outsider you perceive yourself to be.

More time on your hands? Take the Language Course. You'll soon be able to hold your own at openings and not feel embarrassed.

Finally, for those occasions where you absolutely, positively must say the right thing, the easy-to-use Quik-Reference section will bring you peace of mind and an end to dirty looks in a flash.

Where to start? The choice is yours, but for the true art professional there is only one way: in, through, and out the other end, smiling.

- Simon Morse