The Palace is the best club in Ireland and no mistake. I love it so much that I have made this special webpage so that everyone can share in the joy of going to the Palace (that is if you can get past the oh-so friendly bouncers who really want to let you in). Of course if you're a lower class scumbag who's not from Dublin 4 then we don't want your type in our club. You ruffians would ruin our night with your roguish behaviour. Yes, our club can do with your sort. The Palace really is geat, but don't just take my word for it, listen to the glowing reviews the Palace has got from these satisfied customers.
"The Palace is just great and whenever I get the chance I'm in there "getting my groove on". Last Saturday me and my chums Oisín, Sneachta ,Julian and Wilbur had a great night. We were like soooo drunk so we went out to "score" with some girls and I managed to kiss a girl on the cheek! The "crew" were soooo jealous.Then Julian went over and pissed on this homeless person. It was like soooo funny. When Julian got back inside everyone was offering to buy him drinks because he was so brave,but he declined because he'd already reached his two pint maximum.Anyway it was like a great night and I'm such a stud!
Quentin, Foxrock.
"I love the Palace. It's like soooo great and I get money off Daddy every weekend so that I can go. Last Saturday we were like sooooo drunk and I let this boy kiss me on the cheek! He couldn't believe how lucky he was (Daddy says I'm the prettiest girl in the world). He asked me to kiss him on the lips but I told him that I wasn't ready for that sort of relationship. I can't wait for Daddy to by me a new car so that I can drive home from the Palace instead of having to get a taxi driven by a working class peasant. And what's great is that even if I get stopped for drink driving, it doesn't matter 'cos my Daddy knows the chief Superintendent and he'll get me off. It's like soooo great being rich."
Beatrice, Stillorgan
"There's no place that gives you the same blissful feeling that you got when you kicked your first tramp to death except for the Palace. You know when you walk in that everyone is your equal and that there are no scumbags who are going to try and start a conversation with you. There is nothing worse than someone polluting your ears with their horrid Dublin accents and isn't it like sooooo annoying when someone doesn't say "like" fifty times a minute. Me and the chaps get up to such mischief, like last week when we were sooooo drunk that we mistakenly told everyone that our Daddies had '99 Mercedes instead of '00 Mercedes. When we realised our mistake we were like sooooo embarrassed. It was sooooo funny."
Goddfrey, Cabinteely
"God bless the Palace! It's the greatest place ever. Everyone is so normal and they all hate the lower classes. I feel so at home. I know we may be loaded but I still think that I have a very hard life. Like, last week I wore the wrong pair of shoes (they only cost £95) and everyone in school noticed! I was like soooo embarrassed and couldn't go into school for a week. I know that seems like a lot of school to miss, but it doesn't matter 'cos even if I get a shit Leaving Cert. Daddy will give me a job in his company. I met a really nice boy in the Palace and he said he really respected me and that he would ring me if I gave him a blow job, but he must have lost my number 'cos he still hasn't rang me. Oh well, I'm to stupid to care."
Elizabeth, Blackrock
So you see it's not just me who loves the Palace. Here are some statistics about the Palace.
| Number of Bouncers Door | 6 |
| Number of Pricks on the door | 6 |
| Capacity | 1,000 |
| Number of Wankers inside | 1,000 |
| Price of a Pint | £3.00 |
| Number of people willing to pay £3.00 | 1,000 |
| Why? | To get sooooo drunk |
| Quality of music | Shit |
| Quality of DJ | See above |
| Reasons for going | none |
The bouncers have strict criteria you have to fulfil before they'll allow you in. Here they are in full.
You must have a dort accent.
You must be a snobby wanker.
You must not mind being in a place that's more packed than a Bangladeshi train.
You must not mind being ripped off.
In fact , you must be too rich/stupid to care.
You must have your hair spiked at the front.
You must say "like" all the time.
You must hate lower class "scum".
You must be from Dublin Four.
You must have no taste in music.
Your Daddy must bail you out of any trouble that you might get into.
You must be a fool.
So, there you have it. Now we're all agreed that the Palace is great. However, if you want to go to a proper nightclub I suggest you visit this website www.templetheatre.ie !