Bonehead Stories
Bonehead goes gardening (Live Forever)
One fine sunny day, Bonehead's wife, Mrs Bonehead realised
that their garden
was in need of a bit of attention.
"Boney, the garden's a bit overgrown" Said Mrs Bonehead, "get the lawn
mower
out and cut the grass will you please".
Bonehead looked up from his tambourine and instantly replied:
"Maybe i don't really wanna know how your garden grows".
Bonehead helps his daughter with her homework (Wonderwall)
It was a cold, wet night and Bonehead was sitting watching
his favourite show,
'Coronation Street', on TV. He sat enjoying the exciting episode when a shout
came from upstairs..... "Daddy, can you help me with my homework, I'm stuck".
It was little Miss Bonehead, crying for help. Bonehead looked up from the tv
and instantly replied:
"By now you should have somehow realised what you've got to do".
Bonehead plays party games! (Roll With It)
It was Bonehead's friend ,Skinhead's birthday party and they
had all decided
to engage in an exciting game of hide and snog.
It´s a slight variation of hide and seek, but once you find the person you have
to kiss them. Bonehead had already been caught by Skinhead (yes, they kissed)
and Skinhead still had one person to find, but he was unsure of her whereabouts.
"Oy, Boney", he whispered, "is she hiding over there?" pointing
towards the
doorway, obviously cheating. Bonehead looked up from his sausage on a stick
straight-away and replied:
"Kiss the girl, she's not behind the door".
Bonehead goes to the park (Some Might Say)
It was a scorching hot day and Bonehead was spending some
quality time with his
son, Billy. They had decided to take a walk to the park to admire the scenery.
Whilst walking, Billy heard the tinkering of an ice-cream van's music. "Its ok
daddy, I don't want an Ice Cream" said Billy, he had eaten already. "Do you want
one daddy?" Bonehead instantly looked up from the green grass and said:
"If you don't get yours I won't get mine as well".
Bonehead goes scouting (Slide Away)
It was late evening and Bonehead's Scout group had decided
to go for a game of
'hunt the hedgehog' in the forest.
The aim of the game was to find a hedgehog with the use of a torch (it was very
dark) and you had to go with a partner (to keep each-other safe). Laurence
(a member of the group) couldn't find a partner. "Oh. I haven't got a partner."
Laurence shouted in disbelief. Bonehead looked up from his torch and instantly
replied:
"Let me be the one who shines with you".
Bonehead the weatherman (Sad Song)
One fine day Bonehead was getting bored with all the spare
time he had so he
decided to take a job on the side - as a weatherman.
It was his job to cast the weather for The World on the BNN International
News Network and billions of people were watching him. It came to the moment
to when he was on, and he recieved his cue from the director: "3 - 2 - 1 - GO!"
Bonehead looked up from the shiny clean floor, looked blankly into the camera
and said:
"The sun is coming up and its going down".
Bonehead goes to Pizza Hut! (Digsy´s Dinner)
One early evening, Bonehead and Mrs Bonehead couldn't be
bothered to cook
and so decided to go out for dinner. They agreed to go to 'Pizza Hut', incidentaly,
where Boneheads sister, Frances, worked. They took their seats and waited for
a waitress to take their order. Up stepped Frances, of all people! "Can I take
your order please Boney?!" asked Fran. Bonehead looked up from the coulorful
menu and instantly replied;
"We'll have lasagne".
Bonehead helps his friend (Supersonic)
One overcast, but humid day, Bonehead decided to go and take
a cake he had
baked over to his friend, Tommy. Unfortunately, Tommy couldn't eat the cake
because every time he ate chocolate he would go hyperactive and put on a red
cape, thinking he was superman. "You've got to help me, Boney" said Tommy.
"I used to love chocolate, but now,every time I eat it I end up trying to fly.
What can I do?". Bonehead looked up from his cup of earl-grey and instantly
replied.
"You need to be yourself, you can´t be no-one else".
Bonehead and his friend PhoEbe (Some Might Say)
It was bright, but cloudy day and Bonehead noticed his dog,
Rover, had caught
a bad case of fleas and was running all over the kitchen trying to relieve himself.
Rover had regularly had problems with fleas and other dog-type infections so
he decided to call his friend PhoEbe, who was a vet. PhoEbe answered the phone:
"Hi Boney, is it Rover again? Whats up?"
Bonehead stopped stroking Rover and instantly replied....
"my dog's been itching in the kitchen once again".
Bonehead goes to a fancy dress party (Whatever)
It was a night full of anticipation, and Bonehead and Mrs
Bonehead had been
invited to attend the local charity fancy-dress party. Mrs Bonehead was going
as a Squirrel, and she wanted Bonehead to go as a Bunny Rabbitt, but Bonehead
wanted to go dressed as a Chicken. "You're going to go as a Bunny Rabbit,
ok Boney?", ordered Mrs. B. Bonehead looked up from his copy of 'Anglers
Weekly' and instantly replied:
"Im free to be whatever I choose".
Bonehead watches the olympics (I Am The Walrus)
It was early evening in Manchester, and Bonehead, along with
a few mates decided
to go down the pub to watch the Brits (try to) win a few medals in the olympics.
It was time for the women's 100 meters race and the racers took their positions.
"On your marks". The starter gun made an almighty *BANG* and the racers set
off on their 10 seconds of glory. The bang of the gun startled Bonehead who,
half way through the race, quickly commented...
"See how they run like pigs from a gun".
Bonehead goes balooning (Champagne Supernova)
It was a bright sunny day with clear blue skies and Bonehead
and Mrs Bonehead
had been invited to go for a hot-air baloon ride with their friend Skinhead.
Unfortunatley, when they wanted to take off, Mrs Bonehead was nowhere to be
found so they decided to go without her. Once they'd landed after a thrilling ride
in the clouds, Bonehead searched for Mrs B. He found her, looked her in the eye,
and immediately asked....
"Where were you while we were getting high?".
Bonehead doesn't drink and drive (Supersonic)
It was a cold, wet night and Bonehead was out on a 'Lad's
Night Out' with his
friends. He was sat enjoying his glass of mineral water (he was driving) while
watching his many friends get smashed out of their faces. One of the drunkards
was Bonehead's loyal friend, Skinhead... "Hiii Boneyyyy!!! Hayy, hoow am I gonna
geet howm?" asked Skinhead, not all with it. Bonehead looked up from his packet
of peanuts and instantly replied:
"My friend said he'll take you home".
Bonehead has a lie-in (Morning Glory)
It was a bright, early morning and Bonehead had just been
out on a 'Lads Night
Out'. He was still fast asleep after late night. Foolishly, he hadn't set his alarm
to wake him up at 7:00 for his usual early-morning jog - which he never missed,
and Mrs Bonehead was becoming worried he might not get up for it. She decided
to go and wake him up. "Boney, are you going to get up for your jog?" whispered
Mrs B quietly into his ear. Bonehead instantly opened his eyes, and although half
-asleep, replied:
"I need a little time to wake up".
Bonehead's Birthday (Rockin´Chair)
It had come around to that time of the year which is known
as Bonehead's
birthday, and a surprise party was planned for him. Bonehead was reluctant to
celebrate his birthday because he was older than the rest of the band and he
didn't want to get any older, although he wasn't aware of the surprise party
waiting for him. He walked into the darkness of the lounge and flicked on the
light switch. "SURPRISE" shouted all his friends, ready for the party. But
Bonehead didn't react to the celebrations. "What's up Boney, you look sad?"
asked Mrs B. Bonehead looked up from his slice of cake and replied...
"I'm older than I'd wish to be".
Bonehead becomes a waiter (Roll With It)
It was a bright, sunny day and the birds were singing.
Despite the good weather
there was sadness. Fran, Bonehead's sister had unfortunately been taken down ill
with a sniffly nose, and she was in no fit state to work. Bonehead volunteered to
cover for her and be a waiter at Pizza Hut?. His first customer was an old
woman who ordered a Cheese and Tomatoe pizza and a cup of tea. He took over
her pizza to her and placed it infront of her, along with the tea. The old woman
looked at her food, looked at Bonehead and angrily asked: "Don't I get anything
else with this?" Bonehead instantly looked up from his colourful apron and replied..
"You got a Roll With It".
Bonehead the animal lover ((It´s Good) To Be Free)
It was a moonlit evening and Bonehead was taking a walk
around inner-city
Manchester. During his walk he noticed something over by the side of the road,
on the grass. He approached what seemed to be a small turtle, lying on its back
in a hole, unable to walk. Bonehead, being the loving person he is, picked up the
turtle and took it home to look after it. When he returned home with the green
amphibian in his hand Mrs Bonehead FREAKED! "Where the hell did you get
that?" She shouted. Bonehead looked up from the turtle he had named William
and instantly replied:
"I found it in a hole sitting upside-down".
Bonehead gets lost! (
It was a warm, but dry eveining and Bonehead's car had
broken down in an
unknown area of Manchester, called Moss-Side. He had no option but to walk
home, despite not knowing the way, with a small hand-map his only companion.
As he strolled along the lamp-lit street he was approached by a youth, who looked
angry. "Oy, wot you doin' on my turf?" the youth aggressively asked.
Bonehead looked up from his hand-map and instantly answered:
"I've been trying to find my way back home".
Bonehead is captured (Don´t Look Back In Anger)
It was a dank and dingey night and Bonehead was in a
dungeon. He was being held
captive by the Bluurnies, a religious cult who sacrificed people to keep themselves
alive. They sacrificed people by burning them. The heart was then removed as a
token of the sacrifice. Bonehead was chained to a stone wall and couldn't move
at all. The leader of the Bluurnies, Demon, approached Bonehead with a can of
petrol and a lighter. He began to splash the petrol over Bonehead.
"At last I have you" sneered Demon, "you will now die". Bonehead
looked up
from the disgusting clothes Demon was wearing and answered:
"You 'aint ever gonna burn my heart out".
Bonehead is captured (part 2) (Hello, Live Forever)
It was still a dark and dingey night and Bonehead was about
to be burnt alive
by the evil Demon.. "Nothing can save you now fool" Cackled Demon. "We will
rule the world!" Bonehead showed no fear as the flame edged closer to his bare
torso. Suddenly, out of the darkness appeared 4 men. Each holding some sort of
weapon. One with a stick, one with a rather large plank of wood, another with a
smaller plank of wood, the other one with a tambourine-shaped weapon. They
shouted in unison: "HELLO, IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!" The boys then went on
to destroy any trace of Demon and the Bluurnies by using their weapons to full
effect, by producing music that the Bluurnies weren't used to. They couldn't take
it and faded away into the darkness. "You ok Boney?" asked the one with the
tambourine, in a husky voice. Bonehead was speechless, he only had one answer...
"You and I are gonna live forever."
Bonehead chokes (Supersonic, Live Forever)
It was a sunny day and Lauren and Shellie were at school.
They were walking
down the hall slowly, and talking between themselves about how they were going
to get home. "Can I ride with you in your BMW?" asked Lauren to Shellie "I
just wanna fly", said Shellie. They then spotted a man ahead of them who seemed
to be choking. They rushed over to help him. "IT'S BONEHEAD!!!" they both
shouted in excitement. "It looks like he's swallowed his mouth piano*." said
Lauren. "Give me your auotgraph." asked Shellie to Bonehead. Bonehead instantly
looked up from the small mouth piano sticking out of his mouth and muffled
"Maybe I just wanna breathe."
The Bonehead Adventures
After 3 years of walking, Bonehead has stopped for a while
in a small town
somewhere in Columbia. To earn some money he has decided to become a fortune
teller using his knowledge of 'the inner powers' to aid him. He set up a tent at
the centre of the town and immediately attracted customers with the attractive
design of his robe. A mysterious customer appeared at the tent who questioned
the ability of the mystic Bonehead. He went by the name of Mr Baldrin.
"I think youre a hoax. And, to prove you are - try and read my mind and tell me
what my ambition is." The man seemed sceptical.
The mystic Bonehead instantly looked up from his glowing crystal ball and
answered: "D'ya wanna be a spaceman and live in the sky?" "no, answered Mr
Baldrin." Bonehead was dissapointed at being wrong and so immediately packed
up and left town. Searching for his next exciting adventure....
After 3.4 years of walking, Bonehead has stopped for a while
in a small town
somewhere by the sea. After his last adventure, a mystic prophet, he decided he
had enough psychic powers to carry on using them so he started his own business
as a psychic detective. He set up his office in the centre of town. A mysterious
customer appeared at the tent who was in a dilemma about where James Brown
had dissapeared to. (THE famous soul singer James Brown had been missing for
32 years). "You gotta help me mister. Why did James Brown just dissapear.
Has he no pride?" The man seemed anxious. Psychic Detective Bonehead instantly
looked up, adjusted his overcoat, pondered on his thoughts and replied:
"As they took his soul, they stole his pride". "I understand. Soul music
went out
of fashion and he was forced to become a DJ". Replied the mysterious man.
In awe of Bonehead's psychic ability. Bonehead knew the time had come for him
to leave, for his sworn enemy, the Bluurnies, had re-united and were tracking him
down. He immediately packed up and left town. Searching for his next exciting
adventure....
After 3.6 years of walking, Bonehead has decided to rest in
a small village at
the top of the world. After his last 2 adventures, using his psychic powers, he
has felt pretty drained and so seeked someone to help him get his head back in
order. He visited an old woman who lived in the centre of town. She examined
people's minds through the use of her 'third eye'.
"Come in Mr Head. I've been expecting you" said the hagged old woman.
Bonehead took his place on the reclining chair, curious as to how she knew him.
"I'm now going to search the inner depths of your mind to seek the problem"
said the woman, lying him down. Bonehead instantly looked into the eyes of the
hag and replied, with some anxiety: "Here in my mind you know you might find
something that you.." He paused "...you thought you once knew". "My
God"
answered the woman, looking deep into the mind of Bonehead "youre right, I
once knew Guigsy. I went to school with him". Bonehead instantly got up, gave
the hag Guigsy's phone number, knowing he had fulfilled his destiny. "I will call
him. I know he'll be pleased to hear from me". Replied the ugly old spinster.
Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave because the Bluurnies, his
sworn enemies were getting even closer. He left the town searching for his next
exciting adventure....
After 4 years of walking, Bonehead has sat down on a bench
in a park somewhere
in the southern hemisphere. Bonehead didn't notice the bald-headed stranger
walking past him humming away. Bonehead decided to sing to himself. "and after
all youre my wonderwall..." The mysterious man stopped, obviously attracted by
the tunes Bonehead was projecting. "Excuse me mister?" The man seemed anxious
"I know this may sound weird but I was just humming that tune", Bonehead
instantly looked up, took his first look at the stranger, and realised he looked
*exactly* the same as him. He said, almost instantaniously:
"I think you're the same as me".
"Paul?." Replied the man, realising who it was "Paul, its me, Andy. And
Arthurs.
Your long lost identical twin brother!" Bonehead didn't seem interested, he got
up and started to follow a piece of paper flying around the park in the breeze.
Andy and Paul never met again. Bonehead managed to catch the piece of paper
and read it: 'WE'RE CLOSE. WE ARE AMONGST THE PARKLIFE - Bluurnies".
It was a message from the Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies. They were close.
Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave. He immediately left town.
Searching for his next exciting adventure....
After 4 and a half years of walking, Bonehead has decided to
put an
advertisement in the local shop for his problem-solving company which he'd
named 'The Microphone Stand'. The advert said:"We can sort out your problems.
Nothing to BIG, nothing too small. Call us on 2-15-14-5-25. NOW!". Bonehead
set up office in the centre of town and awaited the first call. After 13 hours of
waiting by the phone, it rang. He picked it up.
A mysterious voice was on the other end of the phone: "Bonehead? the head of
'The Microphone Stand' probrlem solving agency?" the man seemed anxious
"The Government needs your help. The World needs your help." It sounded
important. "Aliens are about to attack the 10 major cities of the world and
we've heard you're a legend. We need you to take up negotiations with the
aliens". Bonehead instantly looked up, looked up in the sky and noticed the
large shadow looming over the city. He said, almost instantaniously:
"Please don't put your life in the hands of 'The Microphone Stand' ".
"Pardon me?" said the mysterious man. "We'll throw it all away".
With that, Bonehead hung up and awaited his destiny as the spaceship loomed
above his head. He looked up and he could hear the voices of the Bluurnies coming
from the ship. "All the people. So many people. Bonehead will be ours". Its the
Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies.They were going to beam him aboard the
ship. Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave. He immediately left town.
Searching for his next exciting adventure....
Bonehead's Close Encounter of the Second Kind (Digsy´s Dinner)
After 5 years of walking, Bonehead has decided to sit down
and take a rest on
a rock in the centre a town. He was tired after all the adventures he had been
in and so fell asleep. After 13 hours of sleeping he was awoken by an alomost
blinding light. "It cant be the sun" he thought "its late night". He
squinted to
try and see what it was. It seemed to be some sort of alien ship. The one he'd
seen before. A mysterious voice beamed down from the craft floating above him:
"Bonehead. We have you now. There is no escape." the alien seemed familiar,
speaking in a cockney accent. "It looks like you might have made it to the end.
You were so close." It was Demon, of the Bluurnies. "We are going to take over
the world. Everyone will be charmless little green men."
Bonehead instantly thought about it. The whole world becoming aliens? Even
Skinhead? He replied straight away: "Then my friends will all go green?".
"Yeeeesss!!!" said the voice as Bonehead was beamed aboard the ship in a flash
of light. "Now you're ours" said Demon. The Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies
had captured him (again). Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave but
it was hard for him to do so because he was 1000s of metres above the ground.
Then he noticed....
Bonehead Joins the Bluurnies? (Talk Tonight)
After 5 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was
beamed onto
the bluurnie's mothership. We rejoin the story...
"Now you're ours." said Demon, the leader of the Bluurnies. Then Bonehead
noticed a rythm guitar, which obviously belonged to one of the bluurnie's
victims. He quickly rushed over to grab it, when he was zapped by a zapper
from Coxxon, Demon's sidecick. "Any attempt to escape is in vein" and with
that he raised the muther of all Zappers - the MUTHER ZAPPER.
"We will turn you into a charmless, little green man now". Demon had a twisted
mind and was hell-bent on revenge. Bonehead instantly thought about it. Being an
alien would NOT be good. What about his children? His friends? He'd hesitated
too long and was instantly shot on the forehead with a zap of green light.
This was obviously a stun-gun. "Yeeeesss!!!" said the voice of Demon as Bonehead
was slowly fading away. "Anything to say, fool?" said Demon.
Bonehead instantly looked at the hideous features of Demon with the last ounce
of strength he had and replied... "S..s...s...something hit me......somewhere right
between the eyes...". The Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies had knocked him
out and were getting ready to operate on him to change him into one of them.
Bonehead knew the time had come for him to leave but it was hard for him to do
so because he couldn't move. There was only one way of getting out of the grasp
of the Bluurnies now....
After 5 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was
beamed onto the
bluurnie's mothership. We rejoin the story as Bonehead had just been zapped
by the MUTHA ZAPPER. "You will be one of us soon" said Demon, the evil leader
of the Bluurnies. Bonehead was being held down by some large straps after being
knocked off his feet. "You knocked me off my feet" said Bonehead. "Fool. We
are going to transfer you to our Moon-unit now, then you will be one of us" and
with that Bonehead was lifted and taken away. "All the people. Soooo many
people will be Blurnies soon" Demon had a twisted mind and was hell-bent on
taking over the world. Bonehead instantly thought about it. "Didn't I destroy
the Bluurnies? Theres no way they could come back from what happened to them."
(they were blown away by good music in BH20). "Bonehead" said Demon "theres
something we must tell you" and with that, Demon and Coxxon, his evil sidekick,
removed their faces, as if they were made of latex. Bonehead looked at the
hideous features of Demon and Coxxon and instantly said...
"Y'know I think I recognise your face, but Ive never seen you before.....".
The Bluurnies- Bonehead's sworn enemies were obviously not who Bonehead
thought they were. Bonehead was still loosing strength and with the last inch of
strength he said: "I.....I....haven't seen your face....since I was a kid...."
But who
was the mysterious figure that stood before him, and why did he/she capture
Bonehead?....
Bonehead Feels Fine (D´Yer Wanna Be A Spaceman?, Bring It On Down)
After 6 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was
beamed onto the
bluurnie's mothership. We rejoin the story as Bonehead had just seen the
hideous faces of the Bluurnies. Or were they the Bluurnies?.... "I haven't seen
your face since I was a kid." said Bonehead. Bonehead was being held down by
some large straps after being knocked off his feet, but he managed to muster
some strength to break his hand free... "Fool, It was us all along" and with
that
the hideous face was revealed. "It is I, Scripe." It was indeed Scripe, the
leader of the deadliest and most hideous sect in the world- the REMMIES.
"It's the end of the world as we know it" said Scripe with a demented laugh.
"The whole world will loose its religion and everyone will be destroyed!!!". He
was hell-bent on destroying the world. Bonehead instantly thought about it. If
everyone lost their religion, they would have nothing to believe in. What about
the 'whatevers' - the religious followers of Oasis? Surely the world would be
destroyed. "Bonehead" said Scripe, alongside his evil sidekick Bukk "the
first
religion we will destroy will be the followers of Oasis - the 'whatevers'".
And with that, Bukk reached for the button that would destroy all the
Whatevers. Bonehead looked at the sparkling forehead of Scripe and in a vain
attempt to distract him instantly said... "Your head is like a fishtank". Scripe
looked up from his un-shaven chin and didnt seem happy. "Oh no, youve said
too much" grunted Scripe, and he ordered Bukk to bring the rather large
Monster that was in the cage next door. Bonehead had one hand free, and he
could see the....
Bonehead and the Shiny Spam (Bring It On Down, Married With Children, Half The World Away)
After 6 years of walking, Bonehead, as you may remember, was
beamed onto
the bluurnie's mothership, but it turns out that it's not the Bluurnies, it's the
devilish monsters- the Remmies, headed by the evil, but shiny, Scripe.
We rejoin the story as Bukk and Scripe were about to release a massive orange
monster to devour Bonehead.
"Your head is like a fishtank." said Bonehead, and with that Scripe ordered
Bukk to release the rather large but wholly dissapointing Monster. Bonehead
was being held down by some large straps after being knocked off his feet,
but he had managed to muster some strength to break his hand free. He could
see the sparkling forehead of Scripe, shining like happy people holding hands.
"Prepare to meet your doom. Kenneth will tear you apart with his tongue" and
with that the hideous Monster, called Kenneth took a swipe at Bonehead and
caught him across the face, cutting his cheek. "Time for some music"said Scripe
with a demented laugh. "Lets put the radio on. What's the frequency for radio 1,
Kenneth?". Bonehead looked at this as his chance for escape, Kenneth, Scripe
and Bukk were distracted, trying to tune in the radio. Bonehead had one hand
free. If he could just...reach....for the slaphead..... SSLLLAAAAAPPPP.
Bonehead had given Scripe a great big fookin massive fook off slap on the
forehead, Scripe's weak spot. Scripe shreaked out in pain. Bonehead then had
the strength to release himself from the chains. He turned to Scripe and Bukk
and instantly told them what for: "You think that everything you've done's
fantastic. YOUR MUSIC'S SHITE It keeps me up all night".
Scripe looked up from his bushy beard and was horrified.
"Everybody hurts sometimes". Said Scripe. Now it was Bonehead's chance to
finally destory Bukk and Scripe. "Yeah, sometimes everybody cries" and with
that, Kenneth, who had given in to the wisdom and power of Bonehead destroyed
Scripe and Bukk with his Tongue. Bonehead had destroyed all his rivals, and had
made a new friend in Kenneth. "Come on Kenneth, this old ship don't smell too
pretty".
And with that Bonehead and Kenneth left the ship, in search of something new...