DON'T DRINK THE MILK

Cast:  Mary, an old woman

            Kathleen, another old woman

            Bridie, middle-aged

            Pearl, an old woman

The play is set in an old folks' home in the present day

Two old ladies, Kathleen and Mary, sit in upholstered chairs with wooden arms, staring out at the audience, a low coffee table between them. A zimmer frame stands beside Kathleen. A television is in front of them, its back to the audience. They are expressionless. Rain can be heard pounding down.

Darkness

The same scene. Like a snapshot.

Darkness.

The same scene. This time birdsong can be heard. Kathleen listens

KATHLEEN: Spring's in.

MARY turns to look at her"'

KATHLEEN: Spring.

MARY: Oh... yes.

Darkness

The same scene. BRIDIE enters, bustling, wheeling a trolley. She is big, blousy and bossy.

BRIDIE: Good morning, girls. How are we, this fine morning? Ready to take our pills with a nice cup of tea?..... Now, it's milk and two sugars for you, Mary, isn't it. [Pours tea and hands it to Mary, along with a little pot of pills] And milk and no sugar for you, Kath, amn't I right? [Pours]

KATHLEEN:            Kathleen. Not Kath, Kathleen.

BRIDIE: [passing tea and pills] That's right.... Will I turn the TV on for you?.... [Turns it on. A low pitched murmur can be heard] Oh he's nice. I like him. Getting on, I suppose, but aren't we all.... Aren't we all? Speak for yourself, says you, heh Kath.... [Kathleen mutters inaudibly] Yes, I could really fancy the likes of him. What do you say, Mary, heh? Bit of all right, heh? Grey but distinguished. [Sighs] Well, I wish I could sit here in comfort and daydream with you girls.... You have the life and no mistake. But duty calls... Duty calls....[Exits]

KATHLEEN:            No one ever called me Kath.

They drink their tea.

Darkness

The same. Mary is standing as if looking out of a window.

MARY: [sings in a sweet if quavering voice] 

            There were three lovely lassies in Bannion, Bannion,                                                                                                         Bannion,
            There were three lovely lassies in Bannion
            And I was the best of them all, and I was the best of them                                                                                                   all.
            And me father has forty white shillings, shillings, shillings,                                                                                             shillings
            Oh me father has forty white shillings
            And the grass of a goat and a cow, and the grass of a goat                                                                                        and a cow
            And me mother says I can be married, married, married,                                                                                  married, married
            Oh me mother says I can be married
            And she'll leave me her bed when she dies....

Bridie enters, unseen by Mary. She stands with her hands on her hips listening for a moment, winking at Kathleen and giving her significant looks. Kathleen, who has been enjoying the singing, looks back at Bridie stonily.

BRIDIE: [Mary jumps at the sound of her voice] What's all this caterwauling then?.... At least you could try and get the words right. [She sings in a loud and strident voice]

            There were three lovely lassies from Kimmage, from                                                                                                    Kimmage, from Kimmage
            And whenever there's a bit of a scrimmage
            Sure I was the toughest of all. Ah sure, I was the toughest                                                                                                                     of all.
            Now the cause of the row was Joe Cashin, Joe Cashin, Joe                                                                                          Cashin,
            For he told me he thought I looked smashin'
            At a dance in the Adelaide Hall, at a dance in the Adelaide                                                                                                                    Hall.

Mary and Kathleen look on expressionlessly

BRIDIE: Now have you got that straight? Three lovely lassies from Kimmage. That's the proper version. Sing on if you want.

Mary turns and looks silently out of the window. Kathleen stares stonily ahead.

Darkness.

The same. Mary is now seated again. Children's voices are audible in distance.

KATHLEEN: Listen.....

MARY: What?

KATHLEEN: Listen.... children....

MARY: School's out so.

KATHLEEN: Days'll start getting shorter again.

MARY: What?

KATHLEEN: After midsummer... Start tumbling down to winter.

MARY: Oh... yes....

Darkness. Ambulance siren, voices, running feet..

The same. TV is on - a match. Mary and Kathleen aren't watching it.

KATHLEEN:  Did you hear the racket in the night?

MARY: No.

KATHLEEN: Woke me up, it did. Footsteps stomping up and down the stairs. Voices going yakety yakety yak. Loud enough but you couldn't hear what they were saying though. Just yakety yakety yak all the time.

MARY: Didn't hear a thing. I was out like a light.... Like a light....what?

KATHLEEN:  Then this vehicle, a big vehicle, by the sound of it, drives up, waits, doors slam. There's more voices, more footsteps, more slamming of doors. Then the vehicle drives away. Everything fades away. Then silence.

MARY: Someone died.

KATHLEEN: That's what I think.

MARY: Who could it be?

Bridie enters with trolley.

BRIDIE: Ooh, that's a cold one and no mistake. Irish summer how are you. Sorry, girls, we won't be going to the beach in our bikinis today, anyhow..... Here now, Kath, nice cup of tea to warm you up, milk and two sugars for you, amn't I right. And milk and no sugar for you, Mary. [Pours]

KATHLEEN:            No one calls me Kath.

BRIDIE: That's right, dear. Here we are. [Passes tea and pills to each of them]

MARY: Did someone die?

BRIDIE: My goodness, are you suddenly turned football fans or what? Let's see if there's anything better on. Let's see will we. Now... [twiddles knobs]

MARY: Did someone die?

BRIDIE: What's that?

KATHLEEN: Who died in the night?

BRIDIE: No one.

MARY: No one?

BRIDIE: Not at all.

KATHLEEN: I heard the noises, voices. They woke me up.

BRIDIE: Did they dear. Oh dear. Maybe you'd like some stronger pills.

KATHLEEN: I heard the ambulance.

BRIDIE: It wasn't an ambulance.... Charlie Cleary went home, that's all.

MARY: He went home?

BRIDIE: That's right, Mary. His family came to get him, that's all.

KATHLEEN: His family?

BRIDIE: Nobody died. Nobody dies here. Sure don't we look after you all too well for that... Now. No more talk of dying and death, all right... Let's see.....now? [switches it on] Ah, not that load of rubbish again. Would you look at yer one. Her and her hair! Thinks she great! If you ask me anyone could do what she does. And better. I could do it better. Especially if I had hair like that. [Switches it off] Now what do you think. I've a surprise for you today, girls. But I'm not going to tell you what it is, no matter how much you ask me. Even if you get down on your bended knees. And if I do, I'll never get up again, says you, eh Kath. No, as the postman said, My lips are sealed. You'll just have to wait and see. [Kathleen and Mary stare dully off into the distance. Bridie exits]

MARY: What postman?

KATHLEEN: What?

MARY: Did the postman come?

Darkness

The same. Bridie enters pushing PEARL in a wheelchair. Pearl is an extravagantly attired and heavily made-up old lady. She is clutching a capacious handbag

BRIDIE: Here you are, girls. Here's my surprise. A new room-mate for you. Pearl, this is Mary and this is Kath. Girls, meet Pearl.

PEARL: Hi, "girls".

KATHLEEN: Kathleen. No one calls me Kath.

PEARL: Hello, Kathleen. [extends a bejewelled claw which Kathleen takes and shakes with surprise] No one calls her Kath, Bridie. Get that right in future, will you....

BRIDIE: Oh... yes....

PEARL: And Mary... [extending claw] Mary's all right by you, is it.

MARY: Yes...yes...that's right.

BRIDIE: Good, good. Pearl's going to stay in here with you, isn't that just grand..... So now, you girls get to know each other and I'll bring you all in a nice cup of tea. [exits]

PEARL: OK. She's gone. Coast's clear. So fill me in, room-mates. What's the story with this dump?

MARY: The story?

PEARL: How do they treat you? On a scale of one to ten, say.

KATHLEEN: They treat us... all right.

PEARL: "All right". I detect a distinct lack of enthusiasm, Mary. Let's say five... or less, then. To be going on with. See, I've been in a lot of these dumps in my time and you'd be glad of a five. Most of them rate with me at about two. They feed you and keep you clean and that's it.

MARY: Yes.

PEARL: How about stimulation,  for example? Entertainment?

MARY: Entertainment?

KATHLEEN: We have the TV.

PEARL: Which stays on all the time... I get you.

MARY: No.

KATHLEEN: No. Bridie turns it off sometimes. If it's rubbish.

PEARL: Maybe it's rubbish you'd like to watch.

KATHLEEN: I never pay much attention. I can't see it very well.

MARY: I can't hear it properly.

PEARL: Then let's turn it off altogether. I might watch the news later, if you don't mind. Find out what's happening in the world. I still like to keep in touch for some reason, though much good it does me. Otherwise I reckon that flickering screen just gets in the way of decent conversation... Where's the remote control?

MARY: Oh...

KATHLEEN: I don't know. It's here somewhere.

MARY: I think I'm sitting on it. [finds it and passes it to Pearl who switches off the TV]. Oh, are we allowed to do that?

Bridie enters with trolley.

BRIDIE: Tea up. Now I know that Kath... excuse me, Kathleen and Mary take milk and one sugar each. Amn't I right. How about you, Pearl?

PEARL: No milk or sugar for me, thank you, Bridie.

BRIDIE: No milk or sugar! God girl, are you on a diet or something? Watching the old figure, heh?

PEARL: That just happens to be the way I like it. Actually, if it's not too much trouble, Bridie, I prefer Lapsang Souchong.

BRIDIE: Do you indeed! Hear that, girls. Our tea isn't good enough for Pearl.... Anyway, what in the name of God is Lapland Suchi-whatchi....?

PEARL: Lapsang Souchong, dear... It's quite straightforward really: Lap Sang Sou Chong. See. Nothing to it....

Mary giggles

PEARL: I assume you serve some sort of blend of Darjeeling or Assam here but, you see, I find the Indian teas too strong for my taste. Chinese is so much more aromatic and delicate. Oolong is another favourite of mine.

BRIDIE: Oo...Is it, by God!

PEARL: Yes. I've my own tea and my own pot. Just a pinch and some boiling water. I'm sure your kitchen won't mind.

BRIDIE: Er...

PEARL: For now I'll just take whatever's going.... Still, no milk, no sugar.

BRIDIE: [pours and passes] Right you are. If that's what you want. As Mary and Kathleen will tell you, I just do what I'm told.... And here's your pills.

PEARL: Thank you. [she puts the tea and the pills on the table]

BRIDIE: Aren't you going to take them?

PEARL: Too hot. I'll wait till the tea cools down a bit.

BRIDIE: Very well. But make sure you don't forget or it'll be my head on the block.... Here, will I put the TV on. [She does so]

PEARL: [snaps it off with the remote control] No thank you. We want to have a chat. Get to know each other.

BRIDIE: Right then.... Whatever you say. See you later then, girls. [exits]

MARY: [giggles] You told her....

PEARL: You have to. From the start. That's my experience. Otherwise the Bridies of this world tramp all over you.

KATHLEEN: That's the first time she's ever got my name right.

MARY: She still didn't give us our tea the way I like it.

PEARL: Yes, I meant to say that to you. In future you'd be well advised not to drink the milk.

MARY: What?

PEARL: They put something in it, you see. Something to keep you quiet.

MARY: I'm sure they don't. It wouldn't be allowed.

PEARL: Look at you and look at me. Passive and active. I never take anything they give me - not milk, not sugar, not tablets. [She throws the pills into a paper bag which she puts in her handbag] I'll flush them down the lavatory later.

MARY: Oh... aren't you afraid?

PEARL: What... of not taking the pills? I have my own remedies.

MARY: I mean of getting into trouble. If you were found out.

PEARL: Not a bit. [she is pouring her tea into a glass taken fom her handbag. She hold it up to the light] Tea seems to be clear enough. No foreign bodies... [sips it] Ugh... bitter. [gets a bottle out of her bag and pours a little in. Sips] That's better.

KATHLEEN: What's that?

PEARL: It's the elixir of life, dear. Keeps me young. [offers the glass to Kathleen who sniffs it and sips]

KATHLEEN: Brandy?

PEARL: Calvados. Apple brandy. It's part of what I call my alcotherapy. If I were younger I'd set up in business. Probably make a fortune. "Let Priceless Pearl solve your problems with her amazing alcotherapy treatment: Brandy to stimulate the heart. Whiskey to calm you down. Gin to recall the good old days." That's oversimplifying, of course. Want to have a try?