Battle Zone

Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

LITTLE WHITE LIES

I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
..but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes
I've never done anything like this before
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
It's supposed to make that noise.
I love your new (...) !
..then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, -- I'm sterile.

The 9 Types of Boyfriends

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that
look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly
Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Pity us men.........
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defence.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're over sexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Woman's philosophy of men:

1. Women don't make fools of men-most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've gotten sick of him.
3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
4. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one -- they try harder.
6. Go for younger men. You might as well-they never mature anyway.
7. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men--don't and "stop" (but not used together).
8. Men are all the same-they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
10. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men-a woman.
11. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men-strong, caring, loving-they'd be wrong but you could still use them!
12. Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent but they make great pets!
13. Men's brains are like the prison system-not enough cells per man.
14. Husbands are like children-they're fine if they're someone else's.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man.

How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it.

What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics? Because men keep telling them that this is 12 inches long.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, men will screw anything.

Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brains.

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

WHAT EVERY MAN EXPECTS IN A WIFE

She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself is good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.

What he gets

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults. Everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.

THE PERFECT MAN

THE PERFECT MAN IS GENTLE
NEVER CRUEL OR MEAN
HE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE AND KEEPS HIS FACE SO CLEAN.
THE PERFECT MAN LIKES CHILDREN
AND WILL RAISE THEM BY YOUR SIDE
HE WILL BE A GOOD FATHER
AS WELL AS A GOOD HUSBAND TO HIS BRIDE.
THE PERFECT MAN LOVES COOKING
CLEANING AND VACUUMING TOO
HE'LL DO ANYTHING IN HIS POWER
TO CONVEY HIS FEELINGS OF LOVE ON TO YOU
THE PERFECT MAN IS SWEET
WRITING POETRY FROM YOUR NAME
HE'S A BEST FRIEND TO YOUR MOTHER
AND KISSES AWAY YOUR PAIN.
HE NEVER HAS MADE YOU CRY
OR BATTERED YOU IN ANY WAY
TO HELL WITH THIS ENDLESS POEM....

THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY.

Continuing Education Courses For Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
8. Valuation: Just Because Its Not Important to You
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" - Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion

"Love, Lust and Marriage"

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

What can a bird do that a man can't? Whistle through its pecker.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask directions.

Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Scientists have discovered a new food that is designed to lower the male sex drive; it's commonly known as Wedding Cake.

God gave men two of the greatest organs...a penis and a brain... too bad 'She' only gave him a a large enuff blood supply to run one at a time.

Feminist drivel:

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."
Gloria Steinem

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
"Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde."
Dolly Parton

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job."
Roseanne

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free seeing-eye dog."
Wendy Liebman

"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to."
Erma Bombeck

"I look just like the girl next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park."
Dolly Parton

"I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?"
Wendy Liebman

"I think - therefore I'm single."
Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."
Bella Abzug

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then."
Katharine Hepburn

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."
Baroness Edith Summerskill

WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS....

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl

I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means....
"I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
"You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Love, Lust or Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candlelight dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping candy off of the carpet

Love: A night out at the Symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: Aroma-French perfume
Lust: Aroma-Brut after shave
Marriage: Aroma-"The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenager just took your jacket

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the back seat

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex???

Great Things About Being A Guy
· Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
· You know stuff about tanks.
· A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
· You can open all your own jars.
· Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
· You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
· You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
· You can leave the motel bed unmade.
· You can kill your own food.
· You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
· Wedding plans take care of themselves.
· If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
· Everything on your face stays its original color.
· Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
· You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
· Car mechanics tell you the truth.
· You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me."
· Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
· Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
· You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
· If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
· You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
· You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
· You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
· The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
· You don't have to shave below your neck.
· At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
· One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
· You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
· You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
· Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes

What does a woman mean when she says:

"Did you come?" "Because I didn't."
"I have something to tell you." "Get tested."
"I'll give you a call." "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."
"I love you." "God, what have I gotten myself into?"
"I think we should just be friends." "Man! You're ugly."
"We need to talk." "I'm pregnant."
"I had a wonderful time last night." "Who the hell are you?"
"I've learned a lot from you." "Next"
"I think we should see other people." "You're boring."
"I feel its time to express our love for each other." "Shut up and fuck me!"
"Is there something wrong?" "Is it supposed to be this soft?"
You're so mature." "I hope you're eighteen."

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi...

Men know that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? Close the door

If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.

One day, God calls on Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."

When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face on Monday morning? Tell him a joke on Friday night.

What do you call a zit on a man's genitals? A brain tumour.

How do you know when a man has an orgasm? He rolls over and starts snoring.

How can you tell if your husband's dead? Sex is the same but he's no longer playing with the remote control.

Why do men get married?? So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more

What are a woman's four favorite animals? A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes

Why do men have legs? So their brains don't drag on the ground.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."

What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work? It keeps them awake.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.

What does a man call true love? An erection.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

What's the quickest way to lose 180lbs of ugly fat? Divorce your husband.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.