University College Cork - Fitzgibbon Cup Champions 1997
Brendan Kelly (Ballincollig):
Brendans fantastic service to UCC Hurling (plus Dorgan's recent admission to a drying out clinic) clinched his place on this year's Fitz team. Brendan's brother Finbarr is part of UCC folklore having single-handedly preserved 80 years of tradition through his fantastic ball handling down the 'Dyke three years ago. Come on the Techies!
Denis Twomey (Ballincollig):
Denis made sure we went to Dungarvan for the weekend away yet again this year. This man just loves the town. No one seems to know why. Denis cannot be stopped from playing challenge matches, tonsilitus, flu, exams; his education knows no bounds.
Tomas Bambury (Bandon):
Tommy plays the quiet boy a lot but everyone has seen him causing havoc at our main sponsor's public house. Other more senior members of the team keep getting blamed when when this baby-faced fresher does all the breakages.
Niall "Hacker" Murphy (Mungret):
Our very own clod-eyed assassin. Hacker did demolition jobs on the Darrens: Ronan and O'Donoghue last year. Hacker is currently relieving himself of his studies to star alongside John Considine in the film "Don't call me Hacker motherF****er". Our future Medicine Man has beent well known to fall for a nurse or two in his time.
Danny Murphy (Ballincollig):
Our very own IKE TURNER was shamed into collecting £100 for the club after trashing a bus on the way home from Athlone. This ex-Limerick hurler is well taken care of by Cora, although rumours of wife-bashing are rife.
Richard Woods (Newmarket):
After missing last year's final, Woodsie prefers to train on his own rather than with us; just so he can go home at the weekends and pay homage to Ger Loughnane. Woodsies social life has been severly curtailed over the past year, as he says himself, "Why go out and buy a burger when you can get a steak at home".
John Browne (Blackrock):
The most notable thing we can think of about John is that he is Alan's brother. You should give up the hurling because you'll never get out of Alan's shadow. You only ever pass to Keith Murphy even when he is in the stand watching the matches.
Martin Hayes (Bishopstown):
Hayser is missing his Sigerson buddies this year. Remember lads, this man didn't consider us good enough for him last year. His nasty side was seen when jumping a friends old doll and clocking our Fitz captain off the ball in a club match last year.
JJ Ronayne (Dungarvan):
John Joe tried to start his own fan club after three days in college. Current membership is limited to the other two Deise eggheads McGrath and Bennett. Few people know John Joe very well as no one can listen to him for longer than five minutes, such is his love of bulls**t. Favourite player: Himself. Favourite Hobby: Talking s**t about footballers ould dolls.
Derek McGrath (De La Salle):
Derek made sure of his place on the team with his outstanding attitude to training before Christmas. No wonder Gerald Mac dropped you, ya lazy prick. Speaking of which, who's this Jimmy that your old doll was talking about!!!
Eddie Enright (Thurles Sarsfields):
The golden oldie of the two Tipp prodigies. Eddie has been a student now for 40 years but also has a secret life as a greengrocer. He puts in extensive work in satisfying his gobblin Gobnait.
Seanie McGrath (Glen Rovers):
All involved in the panel welcome Seanie back after his 7 year semi-retirement from college hurling. Rumours that Seanie took out a $10,000 contract on the Canon's head have been quashed by a Ballyvolane crime syndicate.
John Enright (Thurles Sarsfields):
Johnny's rigid morals took a dent after winning the Fitz last year. He has now progressed onto cocaine, E, and anything he can get his hands on. What a difference a pint makes. Johnny's social life has expanded by talking to techies by the name of Ciara.
Kieran Morrison (St Catherines):
Kieran "the bear" Morrison. Our savage captain planet. Does he eat a lot? Does a bear s**t in the woods!!! Despite what is said he is still not as awkward as Woodsie and Frank Lohan put together. A notorious organiser of riots in the Wash, he has been rewarded with having a certain table named after him.
Joe Deane (Killeagh):
Joe enjoys wearing Ciara's pink towelling bathrobe whilst also sporting her monkey slippers and matching underwear. He also has a fetish for acting out acts of passion in the middle of Washington Street in front of an enthusiastic crowd.
Michael Dorgan (St Catherines):
Has still not figured out that he should sit at the bar and not stand on it. Has been known to be drunk and disorderly but has had success in charming women on the balcony in Salmon Weir. One of the all time Wash greats; this has made him great friends with Paul O' Rourke since our Christmas party. Mainly because they are at odds with each other.
Colm O' Brien (Pallasgreen):
Our tarzan has liked a shot of Jane in his time but recently has switched attentions to Roseanne. Colm's claim to fame is being one of the few players who scored in Dungarvan, and he did it in style.
Dave Bennett (Lismore):
The biggest lurker on the team!. Follows women everywhere. Still has his love affair with McGrath. This year they've become a threesome with Ronayne.
John Kingston (Tracton):
John the "Jason Donovan" figure of the team is finding it hard to get his Boyzone type band, called JOSPOT and the Wild Wallies, up and running. However on the field he is far from a bot so you'd better stay out of his way.
Eoin Murphy (Shamrocks):
Our Dougal looks very jaded these days. After infiltrating a public house on neighbouring Tallow, Dougal lost all his usual energy and dash. What's the problem Murph, lack of sleep, too much exercise. As the Canon would say "GET RID OF HER". Dougals greatest achievement has been recieving 1996 Boarder of the Year in St Colmans.
Tim Cronin (Roanmore):
Tim has migrated to Midleton this year, with the purpose of educating young hurlers on how to win as many Fitz medals as possible (ie stay in college as lon as possible). Tim at this stage you must have sat more exams as Johnny Brenner.
Pat Mahon (Rathdowney):
Pat will have a tough time celebrating the Fitz as he is banned out of every pub in Cork for his over enthusiastic gestures towards females. Lets all hope Pat keeps these gestures off the field.
Stephen O' Donoghue (Ballincollig):
In our humble opinion Stephie you're full of horseshit. Attempts at feconciling the Athlone disaster floundered when you started waffling on about regulations and precedents and other such rubbish. Hasn't made the team for any Saturday match this year as Paddy couldn't take the mope in the monkey suit seriously.
Brian McCarthy (Sarsfields):
Brian made this years Fitz team in his first time trying in his fourth year in college. Strange isn't it?. Rumour has it Seanie McGrath and Considine formed a partnership intent on getting Brian on the team. No wonder Brian has been providing Seanie with transport.
James Murray (Tallow):
Don James arrived on a free transfer from St Colmans last year due to his drugs racketeering charges. However, old habits die hard and Murray has increased his earnings, his main customers being fellow Deise eggheads McGrath, Bennett, Murphy and Ronayne.
Barry Condon (Ballyhea):
The Bareback Warrior. Never one to take precautions, he takes them as he gets them. The most talented hurler in the squad but hasn't been able to fulfil his potential due to social commitments and the time consuming job of preventing Ed Howard of leading a normal life. A valued and hard working member of the commitee!!!.
Seamus Coffey (Cappamore):
Our able club secretary has happily recovered from his recent fascination with women of the pint sized variety. Seamus's daraker side was seen after Christmas when he had much to do with Dorgans loss of form, taking him out drinking and womanising hoping to take his place.
Andrew O' Donnell (Bandon):
Andrew's form has dipped noticeably this past year. Andrew, you seem to be missing your old Fitz buddies like Hartnett, Lohan, Cummins, McGuire etc. Maybe you are just burned out from winning all those Fitz's back in the early '90's. With the proper frame of mind you should make the team, no problem. It's amazing what a phone call can do.
Ed Howard (Bruree) Team Sec:
The Badger still hasn't resigned after all his attempts. The man who's never there when you need him and always bulls**tting when he is. Has been known to take advantage of and violate a certain ex-captains sister. Hasn't spent time in jail YET!!, but spent three months in quarantine last summer on a trip to San Francisco where he met his new buddy Rodger the Todger. Favourite Pastime: spending his weekends in Bruree baiting other badgers, ie. his family, which noticeably are the only family which live in a two floored bungalow.
Paul O' Regan (Barryroe):
Our legendary Bubble lost his chairmanship somewhere on the road back from Athlone. Rumours have it Murphy was following in order to pick it up. His speech in the Wash on the night of his resignation will rival 1916 Proclomation for importance in years to come. Rumour is rife that Bubblegate isn't over yet (commitee members watch your back). Bubble likes moderation in everything - drink, study, fags,food and filth.
Selectors:
Dr. Paddy Crowley (Austria):
The man of the famous one-liners: Turkey, independently, incontinent etc. Paddy's contacts are legendary, "if anyone can do it, I can". Infamous for his binges with Dr Con; by all accounts things got out of hand after the UL match. Luckily your wife wasw out of the country. "Murphy, where are the jerseys?".
Paul O' Connor (Na Piarsaigh):
Paulo has seen more night clubs in the past couple of months, Davitts, Cubins - sorry PAulo but your wife was in the country. Gave great performances last year, including holding the gifted Timmy McCarthy scoreless in the county semi-final. Under pressure, your norry accent always comes out.
John Considine (Sarsfields):
John seems to miss Dwyer this year. He has no one to give out to and eventually drop. Achieved a lifelong ambition by getting a Sars man on the Fitz team after many years of trying.