University College Cork - Fitzgibbon Cup Champions 1998
Brendan Kelly (Ballincollig):
Wild child Kelly. He's almost as loud as those luminous runners he wears.Not as nervous as he used to be mainly due to the fact that Enda is no longer around to put pressure on him.Is used to barter arrangements where the swapping of club fleeces results in sexual flavours.
Pat Mahon (Rathdowney):
Porn Star. The only known man who brings two weapons on to the field with him: one a 36" the other a 37". Rumoured to have come very close to Sergei Bubka's pole vault world record. Pat has recently set up tent with an innocent young girl called Ruth.
Tomas Bambury (Bandon):
An heir to Stevie in the LAw shit-talking stakes. Has a one-on, one-off rota system arranged with his Bandon buddy Rourkie for Stafford's sister. UL's Jimmy Coogan has a lot to thank him for, after all Bam did get him on the Kilkennysenior team(2-8 from play)
Luke Mannix (Fermoy):
Had no sooner packed his woman off to Scotland and was out playing the field, and we don't mean on the pitch Lukie!!. A member of the Colmans Cartel battling with Farna for college supremacy. He was the most sought after of the new boys on the team, until that langer Mahon came along.
Mark O Sullivan (Lismore):
Sheepfarmer cum shagger. Brought back from the dark days by Gerald Mac who made him swap wacky tobaccy for the Nutron diet. The voices have stopped in your head now Mark. Is living in sin with Shauna and the priest in the confessional really knows what the religion teacher really thinks about that.
Danny Murphy (Ballincollig):
After four years in college Dan don't you think you should know that you can't flush a johnny down the toilet. If those people in the Examiner only knew the real Ike they wouldn't have your picture in the paper every other day. Spent all the holiday money from the county board in brothels and ringing Cora at 4.30am to reassure that she is still loved. Next stop after the Echo is a four page spread in Hello!.
Bill Harte (Timoleague):
Swashbuckler. The real ladies man of the team(except for Pat Mahon of course). Still calims to be one of the lads but we all know he'd much prefer to be talking girly stuff with the beores. Tends to go for the blond, dizzy, screwed up on drugs type.
James Murray (Tallow):
Psycho Murray is notorious for completing the Full Monty in Jury's a while back. Young Hurler Of The Year in Waterford-who gives a shit!. Along with Mannix, roams the streets at night picking up cheap women and hard drugs just like the old Colman's days. He was late for the match against Cork, he ran over a dog which wasn't too bad but he had to reverse to finish the poor misfortune off.
Eddie Enright (Thurles Sarsfields):
Captain Fantastic. Tends to spend a lot of time stretching the groins in training, maybe gobbling Gobnait can explain that. Has been in college so long that every time he meets Mick Mortell they reminisce about the good old days. Miller doesn't seem to go down too well with Eddie, especially when it's free, Puff is still wiping the psychadelic spray from his jacket and car - now that certainly wouldn't have happened in Morrisons time.
Johhny Enright (Thurles Sarsfields):
Johnny Flinstone - he makes your Bed-rock. This fat bastard has taken over Morrison's job of smashing furniture in the Wash when the Morrison Memorial Table crumpled under his sizeable bulk. Poor Johnny has just recovered from a harrowing split from Devouring Derbhla and is now content to follow Pat Mahon around just to pick up his leftovers(or whats left of them).
John O Brien (Bruree):
Our very own white nigger. Still hasn't gotten his break up with Maria(to be honest Johno you couldn't compete with Condon or Hacker). Still though, there's always that dirty blond to fall back on to. Even after a year abroad John is still on the ball when it comes to finding a good spot to throw up outside the Wash.
Seanie McGrath (Glen Rovers):
The Greyhound from the Glen. This protege of the Canon's era comes a close second to Pat Mahon - Pat is bigger but Seanie is busier. Opted to train on his own for most of the year, perhaps someone would want to have a word with Nympho Niamh about that. Recently decided to show a bus of young girls in Carlow what he was really made of.
Dave Bennett (Lismore):
Ha a smile that would dazzle badgers and also associates himself with a very obliging girlfriend. Dave this year decided to have a horse and a dog as housemates. Sporting Hero: Dave Clark. Hobbies: Watching pornos and smiling. This year has been overshadowed by his idiot brother Eoin in pulling birds.
Kieran Morrison (St Catherines):
Smelly Bear. Still wearing the scoring top from '96 - and to great effect as all in his room in Ennis know. Since his trip to the States he is hoping to get his PASSPORT back to the cork team. Who says prostitutes don't take visas. By the way Cronins are still waiting for you to clean the skid-marks off the back window of the bus. He was widden by Woowkey when he was baawed fwom The Wash.
Joe Deane (Killeagh):
His current method of seducing Ciara involves swinging off bed-posts and Egyptian belly-dancing. Also he's not impressed with the fact that Danny's picture is in the paper more than his these days. Finally after three years 'cushy little arse' has realised that cider, even though it looks and tastes like cidona, certainly has better effects.
Seamus Coffey (Cappamore):
Our very own Father Jack. Has a dictator ship over the whole Hurling club. He's up in the PE office more than Paidi is. The only thing is that Paddy still doesn't know his name - isn't that right Costello. A bit of a dark horse with the birds - he drags them out of the Wash before throwing the gob, just in case anybody sees them. The most clean cut and respectable fella on the panel.
Niall Murphy (Mungret):
HACKER. Hacker returned to his old ways when he put college before hurling this year. Missed the quarter final against the Techies because of some mickey mouse MCQ. At best Medicine Man is a danger to all but this escalates when he gets on his little yellow bike, especially when over the limit. Perhaps HACKER will return to his true selfafter this weekend as the 'Sambuca King'. Only person to continue scoring while last years Fitz final was on Sunday Sport - and that was on a window sill in the Wash!.
Colm O Brien (Pallasgreen):
Romeo is treading on dangerous ground in Moorepark this year - hopefully her boyfriend won't find out. Missing his hunting partner Hacker this year as the two of them have been known to share a woman, or two, or three.... .Just like our Captain Fantastic is perfectly happy to stay in college forever and scrounge off the State for as long as possible.
Richie Flannery (Nenagh Eire Og):
Our very own Dick is a wannabe dick-sucker. Brings his hurling CV to the Wash to reminisce on past glories and conquests. A pathetic broken arm kept him out of hurling while All-Ireland minors were won - oh maybe a Fitzgibbon will have to suffice to complete the set started since U-14. Has taken over from John-Joe as the Fresher King from the Land of Narnia.
John Murphy (Courcey Rovers):
Brilliant pick-up. Brilliant speed. Brutal finishing. Will always remain truly devoted to his long-term, love of his life, bride to be, Angela. They never have a bad word to say about each other. Almost crossed the brink of stardom this year with Courcey Rovers - what a save.
John O Regan (Bandon):
Johnny Testicles. Another one of the Farna brigade. Impossible to get a word in edgeways when he's around. Obviously from the snobby area of Bandon as he doesn't talk like the other two egg-heads Bam and Rourkey. Maybe that's why they won't share their woman with him.
Steve O Donoughue (Blarney):
Our own Steve Collins, with serious attitude which may be as a result of kissing the Blarney Stone once too often. He's taking the Farna old boys to court for grievious bodily harm and loss of property - namely his Care Bear boxer shorts. The fortunate happened recently in the Wash but their are no witnesses, therefore the old boys case is that Stevie can't stop talking shit. Guaranteed to be a sub for the rest ofhis college career following his confrontation with Pady in Ennis. Talks a good shag, but word on the street is that he's frigid aand has as much success with 'the chicks' as a brick.
Johnny Murphy (Sarsfields):
Tux. This little fresher decided to hang around while the footballers drowned their sorrows recently. Unfortunately for him things lasted a little longer than is allowable and because of the Boys in Blue Johnny ended up with the three most expensive pints of water in history. Johnny also seems to have a thing for threesomes with a couple of blondes - and wasn't seen at training the next day.
Barry Condon (Ballhea):
The Bareback Warrior, The King of Swing, The Baron of Bondage, The Duke of Fomp, THE PRINCE OF PUTANG. For a doctors son he's not the most educated of people - needs Curly as a Guide dog, especially when he's in a different county. He's the kind of guy that really respects women - Yeeeaaahhh Boooyyy!!!. Relies on Bennett for after dark protection and has a strange affection for the rear end of JCB's.
Sean Ryan (Cappawhite):
Spud. Is out for Mahon's head after he stole his woman. Face it Seanie you just can't compete. Recently involved in a game of upstairs-downstairs with one of his housemates. Oh and Seanie don't listen to those camogie women, we don't think your fat - just a little plump.
Brian Power (Fenians):
Lost without Joe Rabitte but certainly makes up for it by dreaming about physical experiments with his physics partner. According to Brian she's very experienced, but what would he know, he's only a fresher who doesn't know how wide the field is yet!. Has the honour of being part of the worst fresher team in College history(Tralee RTC 5-20) but perhaps management will have to be blamed for that.
Mick Murphy (Bishopstown):
Puff Daddy. Thanks to Mick all team photos are to be taken from a helicopter. If he didn't train 14 times a week, he'd be 42 stone as opposed to 28. As well as paying for helicopter expenses the Club has been financially crippled by Mick's everyday transport - John Sisk crane hire.
Selectors:
Dr. Paddy Crowley (Austria again!):
Claims to work hard in order to feed the children - once a year. Worked a full week in November to put them through college. Always available on the mobile but never at the surgery. Likes going outnwith his rugger buddies and has been known to give Brittas a dose of the shits on occasions.
Paul O Connor (Na Piarsaigh):
Born again college student. Has been asked to stay in a different hotel due to the antics of his bosom buddies English and Grainger. Always loves his wife - especially after a few pints. Has been seen in the Wash more often than the Dyke this year.
John Considine (Sarsfields):
The Third Man. Remembers more about one game of hurling than most could for 100. For the second year running succeeded in getting a Sars man on the team - even if it was only against Athlone RTC. Failed to find a replacement for Brian Mc to ensure Seanie came to training.