Jim Mcdonald:
Immediately struck a chord with Paddy as a John Leahy lookalike. This Fresher found out what the Fitzgibbon was all about last wednesday week. After Jim's performance in the last match Coffey's hand has recovered miraculously. Next stop is Coffey's old doll(keep those flowers coming Seamus).
Pat Mahon:
Pat became a HUGE hit with the women last year for some reason. Maybe it was his ability to strike long and hard(the sliotar that is). Pat has spent most of the last few weeks holding Raunchy Ruthie up as she fell from the counter, stools and tables in the Wash. Pat is a BIG CLUB man but his biggest problem of late has been to keep Ruth for himself. Thought the TV in the Wash was up a little too high so decided to bring it down - with just a little bang.
Tomas Bambury:
Pinky. Bam headed accross the water last summer but was sent home in disgrace - if only they all knew the real story Tom. Recovered well with Lynn but spent more time showing her off to the lads than scoring and was consequently dumped. And he thought he was going well at the time as he had just got her to take her shoes and socks off before bed. The 'V' man didn't touch her, honestly. Luckily Mags was there to pick up the pieces. Now he relies on Hacker for protection as he goes around Jury's slapping and molesting women.
Niall Murphy:
Poor old HACKER feels he is being left out of everything because 'nobody tells me anything'. The sacrifices this man has made for the Fitz are sure to become legendary. he dumped his other half and even more heartbreaking he got rid of that piece of shit yellow bike. It wouldn't have happened in Eddies day - but more because of Gobnait than anything else.
James Murray:
Closet Psycho. At first James seems like a nice respectable fella, but give him a sniff of beer and all hell breaks loose-just ask any bouncer. He likes to play games with Kinky Kay but gets embarrassed when the bog roll is produced. Thanks to Jim everyone wants to see what the Cambells Catering Cookie is capable of - as long as she pays. Has a strange relationship with creme eggs.
John Browne:
'Tony Doran' once starred with the inter-eejits but when they didn't want him he made the drop down to the Fitz team. The actual truth is that Condon and Keith refused to play on the same pitch as him after what he did with their old doll. John enjoys exams so much he invented the term to 'pull a Browner'. He is hoping that if he plays well for Cork this year that he might become a regular for Blackrock.
Liam Harte:
Ever since Entertaining Emer came on the scene, Bill has lost his hero tag. He tries every excuse in the book to sneak off after the Wash. All of Bill's patients have the worst teeth in Cork mainly due to the fact that they always seem to get a phonecall the night before, cancelling their appointments.
Richie Flannery:
'Richie Dangerous'. One fella that doesn't panic and never gets worked up over a game - my arse!. Richie has seen it all as a hurler, ever since the U-14 county final, but when it comes to women he doesn't have a clue - 2 scores since October is an indication of that. Comes a close second to Pacman in the shite talking stakes.
Luke Mannix:
'Lukie Legs' has taken over from Bill in the hero category and has even had songs written about him. What is sickening is his faithfulness to the Scottish Slapper, or so we thought - that night in FX might prove otherwise with the arrival of Johnny Enright's former camogie chick Dearbhla.(After Johnny and Luke, Fitzy would complete the bursary boy set). Luke(Puke) is still in the bad books with the ex as she caught him with his current beore who happens to be her best friend. Rumour has it he would like to keep them both happy.
Seanie Ryan:
'Fat Boy Slim'. Seven Bellies is a nice fella until you start living with him. After busting 'Forehead' he then busted his sisters cherry. Suffered a trouser blow-out at the Arts Ball - honestly Seanie you should have known the 42" waist would never last the night. Should take a leaf out of Ned's book and never, ever come clean to the old doll - 'honestly Tracy I didn't do it'. However he pulled out all the stops when he bought her a big cuddly teddy bear version of himself for Christmas. The competition must be severe.
John Kingston:
Joss Pot. John's place on the team has guaranteed Paddy, Paulo and Casey all the free beer they can handle in the Star and The Courthouse. Johnny Paedophile has a thing for fifth years and we don't mean of the college variety. However the 16 year old(she was legal, I swear) dumped him after he left a Monica-stain on her uniform.
Stiofan Fitzpatrick:
Stuffy and Power seem to enjoy double datng but no one is quite sure who ends up with whom - after all it can be quite confusing when a bunk bed is involved. Rumour has it that after failing for an hour to persuade'Filthy Fiona' to go to Jury's after the Tralee match he found somewhere else to lodge a deposit - PJ would have been proud. Left his mark up North - that extra Cathoic could be vital in future elections. However now he is happy with the Blacrock camogie player who just loves his late night Zorro impressions.
Johnny Enright:
Homewrecker. Johnny Flintstone's scoring has been done more off the pitch than on in recent times - he has rocked many a bed in the last year. The Eagle hit the headlines after the Fitz last year by adding another chapter to John Murphy's version of Angela's Ashes.(Lisa Beware). Recently he has chosen different 'Ruths' of scoring - just ask Pat or Roger. This man does not know the meaning of the phrase 'no room at the inn' and will let anybody in who knocks(at 3.30am) - even if he doesn't know her name and set her on her way the next morning - job done!
Shane Killeen:
'Carter' Killeen. The new 'Bear' of the team. Really outgoing, full of chat, great dress sense(especially the coat), nothing strange about this man whatsoever. 'Jesus' is rumoured to be saying the Fitzgibbon Mass this year. Maybe he will know where the Wash is by the end of the week. Shane has always been a great buddy of the boys in Fifth Med.
John Murphy:
Where's Hanley? Tux managed to make the team without Considine this year. The mother is constantly plagueing him by ringing him on his mobile to tell him his dinner is ready. His sexual orientation is in question after heading off on holiday over the Christmas with Hanley.
Seamus Coffey:
An honourary camogie groupie, but I suppose that's to be expected when the wife is playing. Since he broke his 'dominant' hand, a lot more has been expected of Deirdre but she'd be well used to swinging a stick. For a Father Jack lookalike he has a romantic side - how tragic is buying flowers for the other half.
Eddie Enright:
Eddie, we made you captain last year to make sure it was your last. You're riding the situation now, but seemingly that's not the only thing - the recent availability of a plentiful supply of pills means that she is Gobbling Gobnait no more.
Dave Bennett's Brother:
Yet another member of the PC fan club. My brother Dave played with UCC. My brother Dave plays with Waterford. I love my brother Dave. I think my brother Dave's team will win the Fitzgibbon this year. I'll get my brother Dave after Micky D for what he did with my sister, not forgetting what the rest of them did with 'Foxy Box' Bennett.
Donncha Sheehan:
We had to get 'Babyface' a fake ID to make sure he'd be served in Templemore. Has the fan club with him everywhere he goes. He was given the night off by the ball and chain after the DCU match but it didn't do him any good - and it wasn't for the lack of trying. So it was back to the tramp(oliner) for a bounce or two. We're still waiting to meet those sisters Donncha.
Colm O' Brien:
'Hi I'm Colm O' Brien, former midfielder on the Fitz team'. Felt allalone when Eddie threatened to leave as they could no longer share the arthritis pills. Talk of Eddie's return picked up his spirits somewhat. For some reason the ex likes to think that Colm doesn't exist anymore. But we still think you're a nice guy.
Martin Hartigan:
'Spud' is grateful for a clubmate and former Fitz captains influence this year. His first taste of real Fitzgibbon action(and we're not talking about UL here) didn't last too long but according to the other half in Clare he never lasts long.
Roger Hayes:
Roger could drink for Ireland. Then again he has every reason to drown his sorrows after Enright stole his bird not so long ago. He started to push for a place on the Fitz team earlier than mostby talking Donncha Sheehan out of it (and getting the line for his efforts) in a Limerick championship match last summer. Along with Gavin is a real hit with the girls of fourth Med. Rumour has it Roger you didn't get much out of(or into) Claire at the Med Ball.
Eoin Murphy:
Dougal, we're still waiting for you to carry out that bet - and so is Mags!. Perhaps Dougal, you don't know quite everything about your old dolls past - isn't that right Ned. All those stories you told us about the nights in Reardans can't be true.
Brian Power:
See Stuffy. Brian is dabbling in a bit of hockey this year but according to Burkey she plays a lot of games away from home. A member of last years 'dream team' freshers who won absolutely shag all.
Eoin Morrisey:
We've one thing to say to you Eoin - 21 yards. Best assets include being able to score from any angle except dead straight. I'd bet you could kick a football that far you useless lump. Claims to be teetotal, but seriously Eoin, lay off the tablets. Has a fondness for the more youthful woman including those whose legality may be questionable - Georgina wasn't underage was she Eoin? Occasional dabbles in the game for bad hurlers but has a habit of mistaking opponents' heads for the big white thing - 1997 Munster Minor Championship.
Colm Murphy:
This is a case of Hacker looking after the family interests. Curley's managerial credentials must be called into question now that he has made the Fitz panel. Colm has taken over from Condon as Bill's biggest fan.
Jamie Burke:
So she finally decided to swallow everything you say then Jamie. Your right though, she does look good in front of a mirror. By the look of her she doesn't look the filthy type but since you said it, it must be true. However Lucy ended the relationship when she finally realized you were a true sex maniac and only understood one type of trust - pelvic 'trust'.
Colm Gavin:
Found a goalie's hurley on the way to training one day when word got out on the shortage of keepers(or so Coffey says). Colm was another unfortunate enough to fall by Rogers wayside on the drinking trail.
Liam Tracy:
Roadrunner's injury after Christmas held him back for a while but he made a welcome return to the panel recently. He really proved his stamina in Jury's one night, but according to others the old doll is doing a bit of extra training on the sly.
Barry Condon:
Still upset with Browner after taking his old doll but who is he to talk after what he did to Ned. Lucky the blood test proved negative but your unlikely to get AIDS when your not getting any sex.
Selectors:
Dr Paddy Crowley:
Paddy has just about got to know everyone on the panel now after his usual sojourns in the snow and the sun. It's a tough life he has!! Has started grooming the son John for future Fitzgibbons. Ah Paddy, this years team isn't that bad.
Paul O' Connor:
Paul has not been a fan of Dave Bennett's brother since Dave ensured our safe passage against Na Piarsaigh in the county championship last year with four points off him(all from play). Has come out of retirement yet again this year for another sixty minutes of hurling.
Cathal Casey:
Thinks the road to Limerick is lovely, so much so he made the trip twice!! Because of Casey's commitment Paulo's teeth have never been better. His speeches have been a 'right' inspiration to the whole team. However at times he has been unavailable for weekend training - it's amazing how love can change a man's commitments.
Ed Howard (Team Sec):
The Little General. Everything Paddy does has to go through him. After growing(only in confidence) since he burst his cherry earlier in the year. Lucky Roger is on the panel otherwise the Fitz would have been run from a prison cell. The most ignorant, tight and unpleasant man in UCC.