'What
my Mother Believes'
- Mascara is lipstick.
- Mascara is for eyebrows.
- Mascara brushes are toothbrushes.
- Talcum powder is face powder.
- Polka dot blouses go with tartan skirts.
- New clothes belong to other people who
gave them to her to mind.
- She cooks.
- Food can't be left in the freezer in case
it's needed immediately.
- Lunch should be cooked at 9:30 a.m.
- My father eats out every day.
- My father's friend, Peter, has all his
meals here.
- My father goes to town on Saturdays.
- Every half-empty milk carton contains
sour milk.
- Hot, used teabags might set the bin on
fire.
- Live television programmes are programmes
she saw last week.
- The volume of the television should be so
low as to be inaudible.
- Every barking dog is in our garden.
- All cars passing by on the street are
visiting us.
- All white vans are ice cream vans.
- Every bump or noise is a knock at the
door.
- All male callers wearing suits are
doctors.
- The cat she just put out the back door
won't reappear at the front door in five
minutes time.
- A cat making any kind of movement
requires feeding.
- The cat's dish should be covered in case
it offends people.
- Mysteriously, the cat seldom eats all of
its food.
- The cat will tear her nylons with its
claws as it walks by.
- She's forbidden to throw out used tissues
or empty bottles, boxes, bags, or
containers.
- She's forbidden to use the last of the
toilet paper, nor the beginning of a new
roll.
- She's under strict instructions to keep
the coal bucket full at all times.
- She's under strict instructions not to
stoke the fire.
- She's under strict instructions, but she's
forgotten what they were.
- The date on any old newspaper is today's
date.
- Every evening, we have no bread for the
following morning.
- I'll be shopping tomorrow but I'll go
without money.
- Tomorrow is a special holiday and she'll
be alone to make do with nothing in the
house to eat.
- Her daughter is coming to visit today or
tomorrow, she can't remember which.
- On Wednesdays, I'm her daughter.
- The neighbours have x-ray devices so you
have to undress or use the bathroom in
the dark.
- She's tired of being a housewife and of
being over seventy.
- Willie Walsh
- 4 April, 2001
|
|
