Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me
How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign
I've been searching the stars
I am logic personified. It's how I think, how I function. How I
see life. I channel everything through science and rationale;
mathematics, pure technology, fact and analysis - I see, I
analyse, I understand. Through high school I spent my time
between physics texts, the astronomy club and shop. Physics, and
science in general, were fascinating to me. It was a way to
explain everything. Keep looking for long enough and every
question would be answered.
I looked to the stars for mine. So much about the night sky awed
me. My Dad and I would peer up through our old telescope, in the
back yard of whatever base we were stationed at at the time. Dad
would explain about light-speeds and how the star's light came to
us from the star's past, about black holes and supernova's. We
moved around, grew older, became distant, but the stars were my
constant. I wanted to be up there, to explore for myself. To get
my hands dirty and find answers to questions I never even knew.
When Mom died I watched the stars alone. Dad became distant, and
in a way, I think I was punishing him for Mom's death. I threw
myself into my studies, and dreamed of being an astronaut. It was
my way of grieving. Lost in science journals, star-charts and
maths, I didn't need friends or family. I had all I needed on the
paper in my hands. Keep searching and the answers will come.
I grew up, moved on and out. I gave up my astronaut ideals and
excelled in the air force. Of course my dad felt dissapointed for
me that I didn't reach my dreams, but I was happy enough.
Flying an F-16 in the gulf was like reaching the stars. Almost.
When I found the stargate I felt like I had found the answers.
All I needed was to decipher them. The information unravelling
slowly but surely from my mind felt like release. I found my
calling. It didn't matter that I had no life during my two years
in the pentagon, my every thought and every particle of energy
was focused and busy.
The first time I travelled through the gate, after the nasea and
dizzyness had gone, I felt alive again. The universe was at my
feet. I could go everywhere and see so much. Facts, technology
and ideas surrounded me. I was scared that in my short lifetime I
would never find a fragment of all that was waiting to be found.
Sleep and meals became immaterial. My time was precious, I had so
much to do.
Now I know I was wrong. Life is precious, and it is short, but it
can never be explained by science alone. I was looking for all
the wrong answers in all the wrong ways. It took one man to show
me that my lifes work was worth nothing. All the answers I had so
long searched for, I found in him.
&nbs pDaniel had spent his life in much the same way I had. Constantly
searching for answers. He found his in the ground, buried beneath
sands or in ancient texts, while I looked to the stars. Sleep
wasn't important to him either, and his social life was as dead
as mine. We connected instantly; both of us could techno-speak
Jack into tears, we could survive on chocolate-walnut cookies and
coffee, we both put ourselves aside to find solutions...and so
much more.
Daniel wore his heart on his sleeves, and that's where we differ.
My heart was unused for so long, I had almost forgotten what it
was for. Of course I could list and name every artery and chant
the chemical composition of every cell, but thats not the point
is it?
Love was in his every action. He cared about everything and
everyone. How many times did I complain when he got into trouble
trying to save someone or find sha're? How many times had his
blue eyes looked into mine with their soft caring expression? I
can't count the times he tried to comfort me or make me laugh
when I needed it. He knew what I needed when I had no clue.
Now I know.
The way he cared about Sha're; his love never faded, never
forgotten. He would have followed her to the universes end and
kept going. Daniel taught me that love was all we needed to look
for and it was all that was worth dying for. And yet, love was
the only reason to keep him living. Sha're died, and so did a
part of Daniel. But he never gave up. Part of him kept searching,
holding onto her memory for guidance and courage.
He once said to me that I had never been in love. He was wrong.
From Daniel I learned what was missing in my life- it was daniel.
I found my answers, I found what filled the emptyness inside. I
redescovered my heart, and found it was already broken. I could
never compete with her memories, there was no place in his heart
for me. Maybe as his surrogate sister, but his arms never longed
to hold me, never wanted to kiss me.
I learned to accept it, to bury it deep. I almost fooled myself.
I found other men. Martouf had some of his sensitivity and Orlin
had his heart, I could believe I loved them. For a while. But the
sight of Daniel shattered every fantasy I had created. One
glimpse of his teasing smile, or a flash of deep blue and I was
lost again.
Working side-by-side with him was painful but full of joy at the
same time. Just being in the same room as him lit me up like a
supernova. Any glance I caught made my pulse race. Talking to him
was better than any textbook, any conundrum to solve. It was
better than star travel.
I would have given it all up for one second where he felt the
same way.
I got to tell him how I felt. I waited till the last moment. I
waited untill there was no hope, no chance for me. But I finally
said it.
I have the courage of his memory to keep his lessons alive:
'Life is short, and life is precious. Don't waste a second. Don't
let love go.
Fight for it, search for it. And most importantly, live for it.'
And I will.
I've been searching the stars.
Lonestar by Norah Jones