CHESMAYNE
Wit
After Dessert - The Circus Is About
To Begin...
01 Keen perception and cleverly
apt expression of connections between ideas which may arouse pleasure and
especially amusement - speech or writing showing such perception and expression
- a person endowed with or noted for such wit - understanding, intelligence, or sagacity: wit
enough to come in out of the rain - mental abilities, or powers of
intelligent observation, keen perception, ingenious contrivance, etc - ‘to have
one’s wits about him/her’ - mental faculties, or senses: ‘to lose or regain
one’s wits’ - mental capacity; reason; intellect - a clever or learned person -
‘at one’s wits end’ (at the end of one’s powers of knowing, thinking etc -
utterly at loss or perplexed. Five wits
- the five senses, or the perception generally. ‘Live by one’s wits’ (to gain a livelihood
by resourcefulness and quick-wittedness rather than by hard work). ‘Out of one’s wits’ (in or into a state of
great fear) or incoherence: ‘to frighten someone out of his/her wits’ -
drollery, facetiousness, repartee - wisdom
. “When the wine is in, the wit it out”.
02 Witticism: a witty
remark - a joke (modeled on criticism).
Conceived By Prince Rainier, It's The
Super Bowl Of Circuses
07 Hamlet: “Brevity is the soul of wit”.
08 Henry IV Part-2: “I am not only witty in myself, but
the cause of that wit is in other men”.
09 Figaro: a type of daring, cunning and witty roguery
and intrigue.
ALEKHINE: type of battery for digital
chess clock
ALGEBRAIC NOTATION: A way of
recording games for those who can’t describe them.
ATTACK: a short, sharp-pointed nail.
BAD BISHOP: another Catholic caught
in a sex scandal
BAROQUE CHESS SET: Unrepaired chess set.
BIRD’S OPENING: a small hole in the side of a coop.
BISHOP PAIR: strange bed fellows.
BISHOPS OF OPPOSITE COLORS: a very
strange couple.
BOARD: What chess widows are at chess
tournaments with their husbands
BUST: bad opening when playing a
well-endowed female
CENTER COUNTER: small table in the
middle of a room.
CHECK: what chess players hate to
hear at a tournament or restaurant
CORRESPONDENCE CHESS: the check
really is in the mail
DANISH GAMBIT: opening for pastry
lovers.
DISCOVERED CHECK: one that fell behind a desk long time ago.
FOOL’S MATE: A chessplayer’s spouse.
FRENCH DEFENSE: a Maginot line.
FRIED LIVER ATTACK: a form of indigestion.
GRECO GAMBIT: opening for wrestlers,
MAROCZY: A chess master who always got in a bind.
MAROCZY BIND: an unusual form of constipation.
MINORITY ATTACK: a civil rights revolt.
SAM LOYD: An endgame composer always causing problems.
SIESTA VARIATION: taking a nap before
noon.
STALEMATE: a spouse who keeps repeating the same old
jokes.
WOODPUSHER: lobbyist for the timber industry.
FIANCHETTO: Pinnochio’s last name.
RICE GAMBIT: Gary Hart’s favorite opening.
ZUGZWANG: German for “constipated”. The term is used when it hurts to move.
Chess Limericks by Bill Wall
[By the
way - ‘
There
once was a player from
Who
played chess on a train.
He
took a move back
And
was thrown off the track,
And
he never played chess again.
There
once was a chessplayer named Flo,
Who
liked to mate, you know;
When
you castled long,
She
helped along,
and
would say, “O - O – O”.
There
once was a player named Maloney,
Who
always played the Benoni.
But
his counterattack,
failed
to a sac;
And
his Benoni was just baloney.
There
once was a girl in the nude,
Who
played chess with some dude;
She
announced to her date,
She
was ready to mate,
But
her meaning was quite misconstrued.
There’s
something chess computers lack;
It's
not that they know how to attack;
They
can fork and pin;
They
may lose, more often win.
But
they just will never talk back.
Postal
chess is here to stay,
And
no reason why I shouldn’t play.
It
is nice and slow,
And
I can use my ECO,
It's
the postage I can’t afford to pay.
This
has happened to you, I bet.
You
bring your chess set and didn’t forget.
Then
you notice with shock
You
have a broken chess clock,
And
a piece is missing from your best set.
The
USCF rating system is inflated,
But
the lower rated players are elated.
They
can lose every game,
But
their rating stays the same,
Or
even become higher elevated.
A chessboard
of a new design
that
prevents an early resign.
With
a different king
On
either wing
The
board must be 9 by 9.
In
chess, my wife has one ambition
To
win under any condition.
But
to this date
She
has yet to mate
She
just can’t find the right position.
A
chessplayer known to be great,
Was
anything but sedate;
When
moving to win,
He
broadly would grin,
And
bellow: “That’s check - and mate!”
There
once was a Grandmaster named Browne,
Who
always wore a perpetual frown;
As
he played blitz against Dzindzi,
The
crowd got all cringy,
He
said just one word, that was, “DOWN!”
EXCUSES, EXCUSES by Bill Wall
Every chessplayer makes up excuses for
every situation. Here are some excuses
that players say - and what they really mean…….
EXCUSE TRUTH
Mind
if we use my set and board? My only set
is this green and red
It’s
my favorite set and, besides, plastic Florentine set. Christ-
Larry
Christiansen liked it. iansen
was playing blindfold.
Interesting
game. Your 12th move I was out of book on move three.
must
be a theoretical novelty. I I seem to be losing after
that
have
never seen it before. 12th
move that I overlooked.
I
played this game in a postal match This
has been played against me
and I
crushed my opponent in 15 in a postal game and I was
mated
moves. in
15 moves.
I
unconsciously thought I was playing Not
that again. I keep forgetting
the
guys at work; they don’t know how the en
passant rule works. I
en
passant so I don’t use it. forgot
the pawn could be captured.
Yes, I
said “J’adoube” before I I’m
not going to move my Queen now.
touched
my Queen. I wasn't going to It would have been
trapped. I’ll
move
it. I’m just adjusting it. move another piece. Besides, he
Try to
listen better next time. needs
witnesses that I touched it.
Fischer
played that against Evans in Little
known all right. Johnny Fischer
1963. It’s a little known line. I lost to Danny Evans the same
way back
should
have played the improvement. in
the elementary school championship.