ABBEYFEALE CRICKET CLUB!

16th April; Our cricket season has been brought to a premature close. This is mainly due to an avalanche of legal prosecutions and litigations that have arrived in our office over the last week. We have received writs for libel damages, defamation of character, high treason, breaches of the Official Secrets Act, breaches of the Trades Description Act, breaches of the Dance Hall Licence Act, breaches of the Noise Pollution Act, breaches of the Fire & Safety Regulations Act, breaches of the Gay Rights For All Act, breaches of the Discrimination Against Travellers and Tinkers Act, breaches of the Drinking After Hours Act and breaches of various other European Laws, Regulations and Acts, too numerous and too complicated to mention. We have also been sued by Tom Jones, Bridie Gallagher, Nessa Nic Amhlacan, The Toureenafada Ceili Band, Joe Dolan and practically everyone else who ever knew us or had any dealings with us.

We intend to contest each action vigorously. (We will even do time if we have to) We propose to launch a Fighting Fund and we appeal for donations. Also, if there are any good Litigation Lawyers out there who might be prepared to fight the good fight on our behalf, we urge you to contact us immediately. Together, we shall strike another blow in the long battle for freedom!

Meanwhile, we hope to be back in action in the autumn. (if they let us out)

1st April ; Our proposal last week for the formation of a local Pub Team has met with a cool response from vintners in the town. However, we intend to press ahead regardless. We have approached Guinness Group seeking sponsorship of an Inter-Pub competition. We have also been on to Bulmers, as some of the new lads have expressed a liking for cider. We also intend making a tentative approach to the GAA to see if we can use The Inch and The Clubhouse for the home games, as it would be very handy for the parking of all the caravans, (which the new lads seem to favour as a mode of transport,) and also for the grazing of the piebald ponies. Watch this space for further developments

28th March; Not much happening on the home front this week. Our plans to tour New Zealand received a bit of a set-back when the Host Club pulled out following allegations of match-fixing and ball-tampering. Meanwhile, our new members are settling in splendidly, and are actively considering the formation of a local pub team (The Knackers XI) which would be affiliated to our club and would play against other pub teams in the town in an inter-pub Town League. The matter is being discussed at committee level and a decision will be made shortly.

20th March; England achieved another splendid victory over Sri Lanka to clinch the series 2-1. Those of us who travelled were privilaged to be present at such an historic win, which was every bit as good as Munster`s win over the All Blacks in 1978. We hope that this performance will help put cricket on the map in Abbeyfeale and that instead of decapitating each other with hurley sticks, fellows will now be enticed to handle the bat and take up this most noble and civilized of games. FOGRA; Good news for the club! The lads who owned the four caravans, the two Hiace vans and the six piebald ponies which were illegaly parked on our training pitch recently, have all taken out a Life Membership of our club. They each paid the £5,000 in used notes and have promised to promote our weekly dances and bring in a good crowd from outside when we re-open. We hope to kick-off again shortly with Joe Dolan in Concert. (The new lads were delighted with this)

12th March ; In common with all other sporting organizations, Abbeyfeale Cricket Club remains closed for the moment. Congratulations to England on a splendid victory over mighty Sri Lanka in the Second Test in Kandy this week. We may have lost an empire, but By Golly when it comes to cricket, we can still show the world a thing or two! We are organizing a mini-tour to Sri Lanka for the Third and decisive Test next week. A bus will leave The Square in front of Joy`s Corner at 8 am on Wednesday. Anyone wishing to travel should contact Peg Murphy immediately, and bring a sleeping bag. Up England!

5th March; All club activities have been suspended for the moment. Most of our members are in Sri Lanka to cheer on England in the 2nd Test. The rest have travelled to Australia to attend the funeral on Don Bradman. They are due back in about two weeks (we hope)

25th Feb; The Ceili on Sunday night ended in chaos and confusion, due to a minor misunderstanding. It appears that some people were under the mistaken impression that lapdancing was about to be introduced in the Cricket Club. The confusion was caused by a small typing error on our posters which should have advertised "tapdancing" but unfortunatley somebody typed in an "L" instead of a "T". . A group of irate females, (the same women who physically assaulted Tom Jones a couple of weeks back) placed pickets at the entrance to the club and paraded with placards, verbally abusing the hordes of little men in dirty raincoats who were trying to gain admittance. Meanwhile, inside in the hall, All Ireland Tapdancing Champion, Nessa Nic Amhlachan, was given a rousing reception by the packed and expectant audience when she appeared on stage, resplendant in black stockings, and colourful dance costume glittering with an array of Feis Ceoil medals. However, cheers soon turned to jeers as she launched into a particularly spirited and highly-disciplined Slip Jig. Some punters stormed the ticket office, demanding their money back, while others flung their dirty raincoats onto the stage amid ribald calls for more immediate and intimate action. Miss Nic Amhlachan, who is convent-educated and has performed in River Dance at the Sydney Opera House, was reduced to tears and had to be comforted by club officials. But then, as the crowd began to turn nasty, officials suggested that she might be prevailed upon to incorporate just a hint of lapdancing into her routine in order to placate the drunken rabble. Miss Nic Amhlachan took extreme umbrage at this. "Even Michael Flatley never asked me to do anything like THAT!" she cried before storming out of the building. Unfortunatley, she ran straight into the protesting women outside, who immediately and vigorously set upon the poor girl and attacked her with their placards, just as gardai arrived to restore order. Miss Nic Amhlachan`s lawyers have been in touch with the club, and litigation will follow shortly. Meanwhile, next Sunday night`s dance will be a Disco.

19th Feb; The Bridie Gallagher Concert at the Cricket Club on Sunday night was a most refined and genteel affair, with none of the female frenzy and foolishness associated with the Tom Jones fiasco the previous week. The only bit of excitement occurred as Bridie launched in to a spirited rendition of her classic hit, The Homes Of Donegal. An old age pensioner from Mountcollins Village, fortified no doubt with several bottles of stout, was overcome by the emotion of it all and tottered forward on his Zimmer frame and flung a pair of tattered long-johns onto the stage. However, he was quickly overpowered by a dozen burly bouncers, and the pensioner and his offending garment were forceably ejected from the premises, and public order was restored. Next Sunday night, the Cricket Club is proud to present, fresh from their successful overseas tour to Cricklewood and Kilburn, the one and only Toureenfada and District Ceili Band with special guest star, Nessa Nic Amhlachan, the current All Ireland Lapdancing Champion. Miss Nic Amhlachan has won medals and trophies at numerous Feis Cheoil throughout the country, and brings her own unique and personal interpretation to this relatively new and exotic branch of Irish Dancing. It promises to be a night to remember! FOGRA; Would the people who own the four caravans, the two Hiace vans and the six piebald ponies, kindly remove them from our training pitch. We have enough to be doing, without catering for holidaymakers!

TOM JONES CONCERT ENDS IN RIOT!

12th Feb; The Tom Jones concert at the Cricket Club on Sunday night was an outstanding success, with fans arriving in to Abbeyfeale from all over the world. The town was brought to a virtual standstill as cars crawled, bumper to bumper, down Main Street and out to the Haggard Pavilion, while on the crowded pavements you could not swing a cat. It was the biggest gathering seen in Abbeyfeale since The Missions. Tickets changed hands for exhorbitant sums, and the lads involved in the Black Market Economy are all millionaires after the night. Inside in the hall they were packed like sardines and hanging from the rafters, and the screaming when Tom Jones finally came on stage, was bloodcurdling in the extreme, and would make your hair stand on end - so it would. Fair play to the bould Tom. He gave them a show worth remembering! All the classics; Delila, It`s Not Unusual, What`s New Pussycat, Green Green Grass Of Home; He belted them all out and the crowd sang along, enjoying every minute of it. However, it was when he started in to an up-tempo version of Brosna Town that disaster struck. A gang of middle-aged women, who were old enough to know better, suddenly stormed the stage, screaming hysterically and throwing garments of a most intimate and revealing nature at the startled singer. In seconds, all hell broke loose as the Welshman went to ground, disappearing under mountains of quivering female flesh. By the time officials and gardai had rescued the singer and restored order, the poor man had been stripped of his dignity, not to mention most of his clothes. As he was whisked away to a waiting helicopter, he very sportingly forfeited his appearance fee. "You can keep the money." he said "I`m just glad to escape with my life!" (Check photo album for live pics!) Next week, we have something for the fellows, when Bridie Gallagher will be our guest artiste.

TOM JONES IS COMING!

5th Feb; With Tom Tobin`s Hall finally and irrevocably gone (but not forgotten) Abbeyfeale Cricket Club has decided to exploit the situation, and raise funds for the upcoming tour to New Zealand, by reviving Sunday night dancing in the town. We kick-off on this Sunday night with Tom Jones In Concert at the Haggard Pavilion. Our resident band, The Crickets, will open proceedings, and Tom will be on stage at 10.30 pm and will perform for one hour. In a recent Spotlight Magazine interview, the Welshman admitted that his one big regret was never having played in Tom Tobin`s Hall, where all the greats have performed. Early booking is advisable as demand for tickets (at £50 per head) is expected to be phenomenal. Ladies (and gentlemen) are requested to refrain from flinging garments of a private and intimate nature on stage while Tom is performing. Mr Jones is no longer a young man, and the excitement of having to face a bombardment of oversized corsets, bloomers, drawers, girdles, garters, suspender belts, body stockings and other sundry items of female (and male) apparel, might prove too much for the poor man!

Incidentally, cricket (don`t mention the war!) will resume shortly.

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