AUGUST

CHASTITY

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for the crusades and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving for the crusades. I'm entrusting you with the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Sire. Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

On The Coldest Day Of Winter

   Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the
   estate felt he was doing a good deed when   
   he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing,  
   however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the  
   earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the  
   landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"  
   The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."  
   "Why don't you wear them?" asked the estate owner. 

   The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but
   somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"

Good Communication
 
 A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
 divorce.
 
 The attorney asked, "May I help you??
 
 The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces.">

 The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
 
 The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
 
 The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
 
 The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John
 Deere."
 
 The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a  grudge?"
 
 The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
 
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
 
 The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on
 Sundays."
 
 The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
 
 The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
 
 Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do
 you want a divorce?"
 
 The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful
 conversation with her."

The Consumer
 
 A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on
 a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the
 sales clerk.
 
 "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
 The assistant promptly bends down and has a look
 at the shoes and at the man's feet.
 
 "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
 
 "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Phone Call

  A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an  hour, and then she hung up.

 "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for
 two hours. What happened?"
 
 "Wrong number..." replied the girl.



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you."
- George Carlin

Useful Metric Conversions

  1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
  2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
  10 cards = 1 decacards
  1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
  453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
  1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
  10 rations = 1 decoration
  100 rations = 1 C-ration
  10 millipedes = 1 centipede
  3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
  2 monograms = 1 diagram
  8 nickels = 2 paradigms
  2 wharves = 1 paradox

More Thoughts
 
 Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.-- Max Frisch
 ================
 Don't ya just hate it when you see one of those road signs that
 says "Draw Bridge Ahead" and you don't have a pencil.
 ================
 It isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.
 ================
 SHOES: If they feel good they're ugly, if they look good they hurt.
 ================
 The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. --Oscar Wilde
 ================
 Life is a mystery to be lived...
 
 Not a problem to be solved.
 ================
 Just when you get really good at something, you won't need to do it anymore.
 =================
 All people have at least ten faults. Pick ten you can live with.
 =================
 Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for
 fish.

Amazing Anagrams

 An Anagram is a word or phrase made by rearranging
 the letters of one word or phrase to create
 another.


 - Dormitory = Dirty Room
 
 - Desperation = A Rope Ends It
 
 - The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
 
 - Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
 
 - Animosity = Is No Amity
 
 - Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
 
 - Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
 
 - Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
 
 - Semolina  = Is No Meal
 
 - The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
 
 - A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
 
 - Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
 
 - Contradiction = Accord not in it
 

 From Shakespeare's Hamlet:
      To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
      in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
      fortune.

 Becomes:

      In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
      hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns
rotten.
 
 
 Politicians:
 
 - George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
 
 - George Bush = He bugs Gore
 
 - Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
 
 - Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
 
 And the grand finale:
      "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
 (Neil A. Armstrong)

 Becomes:

      A thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag
 on moon! On to Mars!

Malapropisms

 (For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)
 
 Here are a few:
 
 - He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
 - It was a case of love at Versailles.
 - He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
 - In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
 - My sister has extra-century perception.
 - A fool and his money are some party.
 - All's fear in love and war.
 - Nip it in the butt.
 - Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
 - To each his zone.
 - Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
 - No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
 - It's a long road to hold.
 - All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

God's ways
 
   A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and
 looking up at the clouds.
 
  He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
 
  "God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
 
  God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
 
  The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
 God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
 
  The man then asked, "God can i have a penny?"
 
  God answered, "In a minute."

BEFORE & AFTER LOVE

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating.

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football.

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start.

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm.

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart.

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom.

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat.

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere.

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant.

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing.

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end.

Puns of the Weak
 
 Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
 
 The doctor fell in the well and broke his colorbone.
Doctors should tend the sick and leave the well alone.
 
 Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake?
In a stationary store.
 
 A young cowboy asked his father, "Do you think I can make a good living riding wild horses in a rodeo?"
His dad replied, "You should get a couple of bucks out of it."  
 Marriage:  A situation of wife and debt.
 
 Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes 
 
 The secretary considered her stern boss a dictator. 
 
   How do you mend a broken heart? With ticker tape. 
 
 Birth control is the evasion of the issue 
 
 Those who Khan, conquor! Those who Kant, write!
 
  Punch Line; Group of people at a party waiting to get a drink from a bowl
 
 Avenue: Thanks to Mom and Dad, avenue baby brother.
 
 Pfizer Drug Co. has issued a guarantee for Viagra. They'll give you your money back with no hard feelings.
 
 I went on a diet, swore  off drinking and heavy eating, and in
 fourteen days I had lost exactly two 
 
  The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the
 Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason?
What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
 
  Absentee:  A Missing Golfing Accessory.
 
 Show me a Chinese spy and I'll show you a Peking Tom.
 
  Most men who win muscle contests win atrophy.
 
 A successful acupuncture is a jab well done. 
 
 Minniehaha: A very, very small joke.
 
   Making your own hard liquor is a whiskey business. 
 
 Stuffing twenty students into a tiny car turned into a cram
 session.
 
 What is an innuendo? An Itialian suppository!
 
 The Bronte sisters all wrote novels and poems. They were engaged in a scribbling rivalry 
 
  The story of cosmonauts who fall in love and start a family on
 board the Russian space station is entitled "From Mir to Maternity"
  
 A hypochondriac can't leave being well-enough alone. 
 
   When I was in the army, I was asked if I would take a commission. I said no, I preferred a straight salary.
 
   Simple but effective advice for would-be vegetable gardeners:
 "Weed 'em and reap!"
 
 The small bathroom in Robin Hood's house is called Little John.
  
 Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. 
 
 An unemployed logger is a would worker.
 
   Show me a stolen sausage and I'll show you a missing link.  
  A new lumberjack's union was started by a splinter group. 
  Shoplifters are cursed with the gift of grab, 
 
   A hard man is good to find.
 
 Dialogue:  Changing the color of a piece of wood

 Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense, and the past perfect
 
  Marriage is like a violin. After all the beautiful music is over,
 the strings are still attached.
 
 She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.
 
  You don't get ulcers from what you eat. You get them from what's eating you.
 
 Show me a cat which just ate a lemon and I'll show you a sour puss.
  
 Old golfers don't get mad, they just get a little teed off.
  
 Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal but bow-legs are always without parallel.
 
  They had a two-door car and a Tudor house. 
 
  She was so Blonde that she wanted to sign up as an *organ* donor, but all she had was a guitar!
 
  What's the favorite food among dogs at the animal shelter? Pound Cake
 
 A hypochondriac is a mis-fortune teller.
 
  Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Think About This!
 
 Why do they waste all that money installing 15 checkout lines and then only use two?
 ===================
 We have to believe in free will.  We have no choice.
 ===================
 A politician leads an active life.  When he isn't straddling an
 issue, he is dodging one.
 ===================
 The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
 ===================
 You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
 ===================
 If swimming is good for your shape, then
 why do the whales look the way they do?
 ===================
 If you get cut off while driving,
 Smile, you did it to someone yesterday.
 ===================
 The great thing about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
 ===================
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
 shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.
 ===================
 A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all
 your keys at once.
 ===================
 When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.
 ===================
 Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

A LETTER


Dear Son,

    I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
    John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
    Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.


Love, Mom


P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Two Cows
 
 Two cows were looking over a gate.
 One said to the other, "What do you think
 about this mad cow disease?"
 
 The other cow looked over and replied,
 "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter."

MAFIA'S ACCOUNTANT

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" 

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." 

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." 

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" 

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" 

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" 

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Kids Wisdom

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

2. When you want something expensive, ask your grand-parents.
Matthew, Age 12

3. Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
                                                Andrew, Age 9

  4. Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
     Rocky, Age 9

 5. Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
     Stephanie, Age 8
  
   6. Never try to hide a piece of                                     broccoli in a glass of milk.
                                      Rosemary, Age 7

  7. Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

  8. Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your  parents are doing taxes. 
Carrol, Age 9

  9. Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

  10. Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

  11. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

  12. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14
                                                              
  13. Don't pick on your sister when she's   
      holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12  
                                                     
  14. When you get a bad grade in school,           
      show it to your mom when she's on 
      the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13                 
                                                  
  15. Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, 
      Age 13                                      
                                            
  16. Never spit when on a roller coaster.  
      Scott, Age 11                                     

  17. Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

  18. Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
      Rob, Age 10

  19. Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what  your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

  20. Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
      Molly, Age 11
                                               
  21. Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.              .
      Chelsey, Age 7  
                                         
  22. Stay away from prunes.
      Randy, Age 9 
                     
  23. Never dare your little brother to paint the family  car.  
Phillip, Age 13   
                                              
  24. Forget the cake, go for the icing.  
      Cynthia, Age 8"

Stupid Criminals

  Cigars and Insurance:
A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things.

  Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The man sued.... and won.
                             
  In delivering the  ruling, the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim.

  Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

  After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24  months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Suggested Warnings on Beer Cans
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of  inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
 
 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
 
 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
 
  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
 
 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

Oh Lord, It's hard to be humble.
  
 Scott knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
 Father, for I have sinned."
 
 "What is it, child?"
 
 "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a
 day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself
 how beautiful I am."
 
 The priest turned, took a good look at him, and said,
 "Scott, I have good news.  That isn't a sin - it's only
 a mistake."

Genie

This guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy.

The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else.

The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women.

The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"



Quick Wit:

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said.
"Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"

SPEEDING

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's
license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw
the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun
in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I kidnapped the
man who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see
if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Gun ? What...there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you
said there's a body in it.

Driver: I said what ????

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you
said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car,
had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!

Old Man's Revenge

 An old man was eating in a truck stop when three
 Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up
 to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the
 old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.
 
 The second walked up to the old man, spat into the
 old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.
 
 The third walked up to the old man, turned over the
 old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
 
 Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left
 the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
 to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
 
 The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either.
 He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."



FUNNY THOUGHTS
"If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."
- Abraham Maslow

WHEN THEY BUILT ROME

Mrs. Taylor, aka "The Whip", asked her 5th grade history class, "When was Rome built?" and called on Timothy to answer first.

"Rome was built at night." was his answer.

"At night?" asked Mrs. Taylor, holding her ruler firmly in her
boney-knuckled hands.  "How ever did you get such an idea?"

"Well," gulped the student, hoping his answer would satisfy her, "everyone knows Rome wasn't built in a day."

Letter to Dad
 
  Dear Dad:
    
$chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would
 
 love to hear from you.
 
      Love,
      Your $on.
     
      $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $
     

 Dear Son:
     
 I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of  kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
     
      Love,
      Dad

THE LITTER

A doctor was having an affair with his Italian-born nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. 

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of all the child's expenses." 

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, and I will explain it to you." 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked her what she thought might have caused the cardiac arrest. The wife picked up the card and read it to him: "Four Spaghettis: Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

A Diamond's Tale

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him,
an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful,
but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman." answered the woman.

Two Priests Meet In Heaven

  Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly  Gates.  St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our  computer is down.  You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week,  but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
                                         
  The first priest says, "I've  always wanted to be an eagle,       soaring above the Rocky  Mountains."                          .--'`` 
  "So be it," says St. Peter, and  off flies the first priest. 
                                               
  The second priest mulls this over for  a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter ?"

  "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

  "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

  "So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

  A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?"  He asks.

  "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over  the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove  to be more difficult."

  "Why ?" asketh the Lord.

  "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

The Frenchman On The Farm

  This was a Frenchman who had come to America, and went out to work  for a farmer in Denver area.

  During the first day, they castrated some pigs, and the Frenchman was  throwing the waste away, and the farmer told him to put them into a  pan for later. That night they dined on a fine meal of the best of  the waste parts. 

  The Frenchman enjoyed the meal  and asked what they were called  there, and the farmer replied: 
  "Pig fries !"   
                                      
The second day they took some  young bulls and made them into steers. Again they dined in high  style, and when asked what these  were the farmer replied: 
  "Bull fries !"          

  On Saturday they went into Denver for supplies, and at lunch they stopped at a restaurant, and the farmer went to the restroom while the Frenchman was seated at a table, however when he returned the place was a shambles, and the farmer  asked what had happened.

  A waitress, replied "your friend was looking at the menu when a truck driver at the bar ordered a hamburger with French fries, and your friend went berserk and crashed out through the door!"