u.s.s. Lancelot NCC-74410

diplomatic/JAG dEPARTMENT

FERENGI RULES OF ACQUISITION

1 Once you have their money, you never give it back.

2 You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.

3 Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.

4 Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.

5 If you can't break a contract, bend it.

6 Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

7 Keep your ears open.

8 Keep count of your change.

9 Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

10 A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.

11 Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.

12 Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.

13 Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.

14 Anything stolen is pure profit.

15 Acting stupid is often smart.

16 A deal is a deal ... until a better one comes along.

17 A contract, is a contract, is a contract... but only between Ferengi.

18 A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.

18 Beware of relatives bearing gifts.

19 Satisfaction is not guaranteed.

20 There's nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.

21 Never place friendship above profit.

22 A wise man can hear profit in the wind.

23 Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.

24 Never ask when you can take.

25 Fear makes a good business partner.

26 The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it.

27 The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.

28 Morality is always defined by those in power.

29 When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying.

30 Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.

31 Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother ... insult something he cares about instead.

32 Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.

33 It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

34 Compassion is no substitute for profit.

35 You could afford your ship without your government--if it weren't for your government.

36 Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.

37 You can always buy back a lost reputation.

38 Free advertising is cheap.

39 Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.

40 She can touch your lobes but never your latinum.

41 Profit is its own reward.

42 Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.

43 Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.

44 Never argue with a loaded phaser.

45 Profit has limits. Loss has none.

46 Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.

47 Don't trust a man wearing a suit better than your own.

48 The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

49 Old age and wisdom will always overcome youth and talent.

50 Never bluff a Klingon.

51 Never admit a mistake if they're someone else to blame.

52 Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas.

53 Sell first; ask questions later.

54 Never buy anything you can't sell.

55 Always sell at the highest possible profit.

56 Pursue profit; women come later.

57 Good customers are as rare as latinum. Treasure them.

58 Friendship is seldom cheap.

59 Free advice is seldom cheap.

60 Never use credit where your words will do.

62 The riskier the road, the greater the profit.

63 Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.

64 Don't talk shop; talk shopping.

65 Don't talk ship; talk shipping.

66 Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it.

67 Anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and must be forced to serve.

68 War is good for business.

69 Peace is good for business.

70 Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.

71 Greed is eternal.

72 Small print leads to large risk.

73 Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.

74 Never confuse wisdom with luck.

75 Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum.

76 Every once in a while, declare peace; it confuses the hell out of your enemy.

77 A bargain usually isn't.

79 There is no substitute for success.

81 Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.

82 The flimsier the product, the higher the price.

85 Never let the competition know what you're thinking.

86 Don't lie too soon after a promotion.

87 When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.

88 A friend in need is a customer in the making.

89 Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.

94 Females and finances don't mix.

97 Enough ... is never enough.

99 Trust is the biggest liability of all.

100 Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer.

101 Never do something you can make someone do for you.

103 Sleep can interfere with opportunity.

104 Money is never made. It is merely won or lost.

105 Faith moves mountains ... of inventory.

106 There is no honor in poverty.

107 A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.

108 Sometimes what you get free costs entirely too much.

109 Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.

110 Never sleep with the boss' wife unless you pay him first.

111 Treat people in your debt like family... exploit them.

112 Never have sex with the boss's sister.

113 Always have sex with the boss.

114 Win or lose, there's always Hyperian beetle snuff.

116 Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.

117 You can't free a fish from water.

118 Keep your lies consistent.

119 Buy, sell, or get out of the way.

121 Everything is for sale, even friendship.

122 Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.

123 A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer.

138 Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder.

139 Wives serve, brothers inherit.

141 Only fools pay retail.

144 There's nothing wrong with charity ... as long as it winds up in your pocket.

148 Opportunity waits for no one.

153 Sell the sizzle, not the steak.

162 Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit.

163 Rules are always subject to interpretation.

164 Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's.

172 If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.

177 Know your enemies...but do business with them always.

180 Never offer a confession when a bribe will do.

181 Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.

188 Never bet on a race you haven't fixed.

189 Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing.

192 Never cheat a Klingon ... unless you're sure you can get away with it.

194 It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.

202 The justification for profit is profit.

203 New customers are like razor-toothed grub-worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they can bite back.

208 Sometimes more damaging then an answer is a question.

211 Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success... don't hesitate to step on them.

214 Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.

215 Instinct without opportunity is useless.

216 Never gamble with an empath.

218 Always know what you're buying.

219 Possession is eleven-tenths of the law.

221 Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes.

222 Knowledge is power.

223 Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox.

229 Latinum lasts longer than lust.

236 You can't buy fate.

239 Never be afraid to mislabel a product.

242 More is good ... all is better.

255 A wife is a luxury ... a smart accountant is a necessity.

261 A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.

263 Never allow doubt to tarnish your love of latinum.

266 When in doubt, lie.

281 Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell.

282 Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner.

283 Rules are always subject to change.

284 Deep down everyone's a Ferengi.

285 No good deed ever goes unpunished

These have been forwarded to Starfleet Diplomatic Headquarters, the remainder will be forwarded in due time.

Should you have any questions or comments please e-mail the Chief Diplomatic/JAG Officer at the Diplomatic/JAG Department aboard the U.S.S. Lancelot.