SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

A married couple are driving along a motorway doing 60 MPH, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce" The husband says nothing but slowly increases his speed to 70 MPH. She then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a lot better at sex than you." Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up more as his anger increases. "I want the house," she insists, pushing her luck. Again the husband speeds up , now to 80 MPH. She says "I want the car too ! " but he just keeps driving faster and faster. By now he's up to 90 MPH. "And I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards" The husband starts to veer towards the central reservation. This makes her a little nervous so she asks nervously "Isn't there anything you want dear?" The husband replies "No, I've got everything I need darling" " Oh really," she says, "so what have you got?" Just before they smash into the central reservation at 100 MPH, the husband smiles and says "The f*cking airbag ! "

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"