Sometimes you just cannot get enough really good advice, you know, . . when you have a problem, or you donít know what to do. You can however have a problem of too much advice! Itís hard to get it just right.  
Just remember - don't let the bastards grind you down!


Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what comfort there might be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice, even though they be idiots. Know what to kiss, and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three may.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the English are to blame.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

Know yourself. If you need help, call the secret service.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those closest to you. That moran on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love; it will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Rockall; and let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with influence.

For a good time, call 6063811. Ask for Ken.

Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese; and reflect that whatever misfortune might be your lot, it could only be worse in Dublin 13.

You are a fluke of the Universe. You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the Universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god, whether you conceive him to be a wild thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, subsidies and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. If you are paranoid, youíve got it right! Consider giving up!

There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokeable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it.  How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

People always call it luck when you've acted more sensibly than they have.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The meek will inherit the earth after everyone else has finished with it.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody

Virus Warning

If you ever receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. 

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. 

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. 

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play-- except Yanni CD's. With them it doubles the volume. 

It will automatically download kiddie porn to your hard drive and then notify the authorities. 

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. 

It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. 

It will drink all your good beer and replace it I.C. Light. 

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. 

It will talk nasty about your mother. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears. 

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Regaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card-- the only card stripe it didn't demagnetise.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with beef tongue. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles-- but, on the plus side, they're kosher dills.

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. 

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. 

These are just a few signs of infection. 


The Most Dangerous Phrases in the English Language used in Ireland

Here's  what I've came up with so far ...

"I have an idea"
"What happens if I push this button?"
"Sure, nobody will do that"
"And what are you going to do about it?"
"This is a foolproof plan"
"Ah sure, it'll be grand"
"Just send us your credit card details"
"Don't worry. I'll pull out"
"The collateral damage will be minimal, promise"
"I got this off the Web"
"Is there anything you want to tell me?"
"Does my bum look big in this?"
"Sure I'll go for one or two (pints)"
"This won't hurt a bit"
"Cut the red wire"
"Well, in my opinion..."
"Nah we don't need a plumber, I can do it meself"
"You bodybuilders are all a bunch of big wusses. I could take you all on with one hand tied behind me back"
"Gaining a little weight there, aren't ye?"
"We need to talk..."
"Your loan application has been denied"
"Yes. Yes your bum does look big in that"
"Hello, would you like to dance" (usually followed by screams, being slapped and the ploice being called. Sometimes a restraining order...)
"Could you just hold this for a moment"
"No! I don't need to ask for directions!"
"I assure you that it is in the national interest"
"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you"
"We have hired consultants to help us restructure the organisation"
"I've never done this before."
"It's never done that before"
"I'll be rolling in dosh soon, as I've just sent all my bank details to this guy in the Nigerian government who's trying to get some cash out of the country..."
"You wouldn't mind showing this lowly paid student what your job entails..."
"How can I help?"
"No, really, I don't mind."
"Before you go home, could you have a quick look at this?"
"One more thing" (particularly effective if said by Columbo)
"Why do you love me"
"Hi! I'm from the government and I'm here to help"
"It's just a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about"
"It's just a rash"
"What risk?"

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