Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof. After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzy were doing ‘it’ on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bitch. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us".
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if not all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need, alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 - 40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider
driving back to her place as part of the foreplay
Women mature much faster than men do. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still playing computer games.
This is why school romances rarely work out.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just scribble. Women use scented, coloured stationery and they dot their i's with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their p's and g's it is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited, they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favourite. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
A man has six items in his bathroom;- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from some hotel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the shop and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half an orange and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout, his trolley is packed tighter than any refugee’s belongings. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less checkout.
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a designer wool suit, and then slip on Reebok shoes. She will carry her dress shoes in a designer label plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, and decides what dress to wear.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, get the post. A man will dress up for;-weddings, or funerals.
Women do their laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his slip pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a trailer and take his mountain of clothes to the laundry. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundry. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of Levi’s ads.
If Mary, Suzanne, Jane and Alice get together for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Suzanne, Jane and Alice. But if Mike, Dave, Tom and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Butt-Head, Tosser, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
When the bill comes, Mike, Dave, Tom and Jack will each throw in £20 note, even though it's only for £22.50, none of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Men are vain, they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous, they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, and Tom’s head.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will phone the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a petrol station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general area, I recognise that pub".
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General Custer.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang car parts in garages, they avoid women in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Shay.
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. Incidentally, never use the word "fine" to describe how she looks. It will lead to one of the arguments mentioned above.
2. Five minutes
These words actually mean half an hour. It is the equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so women feel that it's an even trade.
The word "nothing" means something and you should be on your guard immediately on hearing it uttered. It is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" is signal for an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine".
4. Go Ahead (Raised eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with raised eyebrows, it actually means the opposite. The words "go ahead" are not permission to do something; on the contrary it's a dare not permission. Don't do it! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "fine."
5. Go Ahead (Normal eyebrow)
Said in conjunction with normal eyebrows, it should not be confused with the granting of permission either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". It is normally precedes by a few seconds a raised eyebrow and the words "go ahead", followed by "nothing" and "fine". She will speak to you again in about "five minutes" when she cools off.
6. Loud Sigh
This is not actually a word, but it is an important form of communication between a man and woman. It is also very frequently misunderstood by men. A "loud sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "nothing"!
7. Soft Sigh
Again, not a word, but a statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
This word - followed by any statement - heralds big trouble. For example, "Oh, I spoke to him about what you were up to last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, just run - do not walk. She will tell you that she is "fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.
9. That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's okay" is often used in conjunction with the word "fine" and a raised eye browed "Go ahead". Don't be fooled, once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. Please Do
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's okay."
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome".
12. Thanks A Lot
"Thanks a lot" is dramatically different from "thanks". A woman will say "thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "loud sigh". This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "loud sigh," as she will only tell you "nothing".
|Atomic Mass:||Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg|
|Occurrences:||Copious quantities in all urban areas|
|Symbol:||Ah (short for a**h***, a common French root used to identify the element)|
|Atomic Mass:||Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches yet weigh 200+ Kg|
|Occurrences:||Found following dual element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast)|
To further understand men you should check out . . .
When men say . . .
They REALLY MEAN . . . .
|"I can't find it,"||"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."|
|"That's women's work,"||"It's dirty, difficult and thankless."|
|"Will you marry me?"||"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."|
|"It's a guy thing,"||"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."|
|"Can I help with dinner?"||"Why isn't it already on the table?"|
|"It would take too long to explain,"||"I have no idea how it works."|
|"I'm getting more exercise lately,"||"The batteries in the remote are dead."|
|"We're going to be late,"||"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."|
|"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard,"||"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."|
|"That's interesting, dear,"||"Are you still talking?"|
|"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love,"||"I forgot our anniversary again."|
|"You expect too much of me,"||"You want me to stay awake."|
|"It's really a good movie,"||"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."|
|"You know how bad my memory is,"||"I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."|
|"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses,"||"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."|
|"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal,"||"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."|
|"I do help around the house,"||"I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."|
|"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing,"||"I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."|
|"What did I do this time?"||"What did you catch me doing?"|
|"She's one of the rabid feminists,"||"She refused to make my coffee."|
|"I heard you,"||"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."|
|"You really look terrific in that outfit,"||"Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."|
|"I brought you a present,"||"It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."|
|"I missed you,"||"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."|
|"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are,"||"No one will ever see us alive again."|
|"This relationship is getting too serious,"||"I like you as much as I like my truck."|
|"We share the housework,"||"I make the messes. She cleans them up."|
|"I don't need to read the instructions,"||"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."|
Laboratory analysis of "the problem of men and women" revealed:
(A) CAT ANALYSIS:
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
(B) DOG ANALYSIS:
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a mile away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
and oh by the way . . . at least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you!
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
Are you tired of the battle between the sexes? Men and women are different. There's no question about it. But instead of focusing on the negative qualities of men and women, why not celebrate the positive qualities?
Let's start with the Ladies:
Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children (best school, best prom dress, best dentist)
Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
The know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.
Now, for the Men:
Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day
Teach him the use of the Net and he won't bother you for a week.
And I was wondering . .
How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?
On the basis that English should have male and female nouns, I've assigned
a gender to nouns of choice, and explain the reason.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male.
Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
TIRE -- male.
It goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male.
To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it.
SPONGES -- female.
They are soft and squeezable, and they retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female.
It is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male.
It is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female.
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male.
They hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
UNDERGROUND RAILWAY-- male.
It uses the same old lines to pick up people.
HOURGLASS -- female.
Over time, the weight shifts from the top to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male.
It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female.
Ha! ... you thought it would be male. But consider this: it gives man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying and trying and trying!
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
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