NEILís OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE

NEILíS  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  1
Nobody ever puts out a sign that says "Nice Dog"

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  2
If you see someone approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  3
There's no such thing as a "simple little job around the house."

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  4
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  5
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  6
When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  7
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  8
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  9
Give me a home where the buffalo roam, and you've got a room full of buffalo shit.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  10
No good deed will go unpunished.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  11
Never step in anything soft.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  12
Shit really does happen.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  13
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  14
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  15
Those who think that they know everything are a constant irritation to those of us who do.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  16
There are three kinds of people
Those who Make things happen
Those who Watch things happen
And those who Wonder what happened!

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  17
There are really two kinds of people; those who divide the world into kinds of people, and those who don't.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  18
"Phonetic" is not spelled the way it sounds.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  19
Nothing is as easy as it looks.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  20
Everything takes longer than you think

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  21
If several things can go wrong, then that which costs the most will go wrong.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  22
Left to themselves, things will go from bad to worse

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  23
If everything seems to be going well, then something has been overlooked.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  24
Nothing can be made foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  25
A computer can make as many mistakes in two seconds as twenty men working twenty years can make.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  26
Life is a series of circumstances beyond your control.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  27
For every complex problem, there's a simple solution, - and it's wrong!

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  28
The smallest interval of time is that between a traffic light turning green, and the car behind you blowing its horn.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  29
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  30
The other line always moves faster.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  31;
There are three kinds of people, those who can count, and those who can't

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  32;
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  33
Odds are, the phrase "It's none of my business" will be followed by "but"...

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  34
All you need to grow healthy, vigorous
grass is a crack in your concrete!

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  35
All truth goes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed.   Then, it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as   self-evident.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  36
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  37
A bore is a person who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  38
A handle on life, is frequently broken

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  39
Seen on a poster for staff working in a Hospital Maternity unit: "Remember, the first 5 minutes of life are the most dangerous."  Comment added below: "The last few minutes are pretty dodgy too!"

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  40
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity!

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  41
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  42
There are four stages of life;
  1) You believe in Santa Claus.
  2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
  3) You are Santa Claus.
  4) You just look like Santa Claus.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  43
Trouble - The supply always exceeds the demand

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  44
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  45
The good thing about growing old is you only have to do it once

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No.  46
Needs are a function of what other people have

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 47
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 48
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 49
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 50
Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.  They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 51
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 52
A relationships is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 55
Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 56
Committees represent the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 57
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 58
You're unique just like everyone else.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 59
A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 60
The paper clip is the larval stage of coat hangers.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 61
Whenever I'm lost in thought, it is never unfamiliar territory.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 62
Three things in life are certain: Death, Taxes and Loss of computer data.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 63
Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 64
If you lend someone Ä20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 65
Laziness is frequently just resting before you get tired.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 66
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 67
Intuition nearly makes up for lack of good judgment

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 68
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 69
Confidence is that  feeling a person has before the situation is fully understood.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 70
The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 71
Education is what you get from reading the small print; experience is what you get from not reading it.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 72
The cigarette does the smoking, you're just the sucker.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 73
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 74
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 75
The Moral Majority is neither.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 76
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 77
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 78
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 79
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 80
The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 81
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 82
All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 83
Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 84
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 85
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 86
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,  you grow old because you stopped laughing.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 87
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 88
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 89
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 90
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 91
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 92
Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say.  Best friends listen to what you don't say.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 93
A hug is a great gift, one size fits all.  It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 93
They who laughs the last, think the slowest.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 93
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 94
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and the back of the church.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 95
Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than standing in the garage makes you a car.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 96
Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind exchange places!

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 97
Committee: The unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 98
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 99
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 100
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 101
Light travelling faster than sound is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 102
The nice thing about egotists is that they do not talk about other people.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 103
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

NEIL'S  OBSERVATION  ON  LIFE  No. 104
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

 



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Last updated: 13 December, 2006

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