Famous (And Not So Famous) Quotes

W.C. Fields

"There's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."


"At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster."

Popular Mechanics, 1949

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will itcost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that?"

Jack Handy

...Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me,that's what her dinner tasted like...


Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.


With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.

Edward Flaherty

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

A Conformist

If there is anything the non-conformist hates worse than a conformist it's another non-conformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of non-conformity.

"Consumer's Guide", Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897)

If you don't find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.

"On the outskirts of every agony sits some observant fellow who points."
- - - Virginia Woolf

Sarcastic celebrity quotes


 Excellent Put-downs  Nationality

 Appearance  Gender  Intelligence  Occupation

 Personality  Miscellaneous


Excellent put-downs

The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.
- - - Valerie Solanos

You slam a politician, you make out he’s the devil, with horns and hoofs. But his wife loves him, and so did all his mistresses.
- - - Pamela Hansford Johnson

Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. They’ve got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it’s a marvel they can breed.
- - - D. H. Lawrence, 1912




Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.
- - - Bill Bryson

In America, only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.
- - - Geoffrey Cottrell

There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch.
- - - David Frost and Anthony Jay



America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top.
- - - Charlie King

Americans always try to do the right thing -- after they've tried everything else.
- - - Winston Churchill

I don't see much future for the Americans. Everything about the behavior of the American society reveals that it's half judaized, and the other half is negrified. How can one expect a state like that to hold together?
- - - Adolf Hitler

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- - - Woody Allen

Never criticise Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.
- - - Miles Kington

The 100% American is 99% idiot.
- - - George Bernard Shaw



Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- - - Richard Brenner



Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
- - - Jackie Mason

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire: God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark.
- - - Duncan Spaeth

The English think soap is civilisation.
- - - Heinrich von Treitschke

The Englishman who has lost his fortune is said to have died of a broken heart.
- - - Ralph Waldo Emerson



The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people’s feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language.
- - - P.J.O’Rourke



German in the most extravagantly ugly language - it sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.
- - - Willy Rushton

Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car.
- - - Bill Bryson

Germany, the diseased world’s bathhouse.
- - - Mark Twain

The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
- - - Clifton Fadiman

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
- - - P.J. O’Rourke "Holidays in Hell"



Few things can be less tempting or dangerous than a Greek woman of the age of thirty.
- - - John Carne



This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
- - - Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

The problem with Ireland is that it’s a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent.
- - - Hugh Leonard



Scotland: A land of meanness, sophistry and lust.
- - - Lord Byron

Scotland: That garret of the earth - that knuckle-end of England - that land of Calvin, oat-cakes, and sulphur.
- - - Sydney Smith



The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare.
- - - Ed Begley, Jr.




A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you drench it with DDT.
- - - John Carey

A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
- - - Earl Long

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- - - Winston Churchill

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
- - - Groucho Marx

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.
- - - Mark Twain

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
- - - Ayn Rand

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
- - - George C. Scott

He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
- - - Oliver Goldsmith

He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.
- - - Margaret Halsey

He strains his conversation through a cigar.
- - - Hamilton Mabie

He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble.
- - - -P.G. Wodehouse

He’s a trellis for varicose veins.
- - - Wilson Mizner

He’s so fat, he can be his own running mate.
- - - Johnny Carson

He’s so small, he’s a waste of skin.
- - - Fred Allen

He'd make a lovely corpse.
- - - Charles Dickens

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- - - Woody Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year.
- - - Fred Allen

Her only flair is in her nostrils.
- - - Pauline Kael

Her skin was white as leprosy.
- - - S. T. Coleridge

His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall; his tongue drips poison.
- - - John Quincy Adams

His face was filled with broken commandments.
- - - John Masefield

His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.
- - - John Philpot Curran

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
- - - Charles Lamb

I don’t recognize you - I’ve changed a lot.
- - - Oscar Wilde

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
- - - Groucho Marx

I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
- - - Noël Coward

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
- - - Dr. Gonzo

It’s like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
- - - Jeff Foxworthy

Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.
- - - Alan Bennett

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
- - - Groucho Marx

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.
- - - Noel Coward

She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
- - - Oscar Wilde

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else.
- - - Elsa Lanchester

She not only kept her lovely figure, she’s added so much to it.
- - - Bob Fosse

She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.
- - - Heinrich Heine

She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.
- - - Margot Asquith

She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.
- - - James Matthew Barrie

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.
- - - Will Rogers

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
- - - Saul Bellow

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
- - - Jonathan Swift

The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
- - - William Shakespeare

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes.
- - - Josh Billings

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser’s; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.
- - - Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- - - Mark Twain

Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- - - P. G. Wodehouse

Yeah, she’s beautiful, but you can’t find her IQ with a flashlight.
- - - from "The Greatest American Hero"

You couldn’t tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.
- - - Irvin S. Cobb





A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
- - - Rudyard Kipling

A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice.
- - - Phillip Marlowe

A woman’s preaching is like a dog’s walking on his hinter legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all.
- - - James Boswell

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
- - - Oliver Herford

The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
- - - Helen Rowland

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
- - - W. C. Fields

Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
- - - Rupert Hughes



Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
- - - Maryon Pearson

Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
- - - Katharine Whitehorn

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
- - - Elizabeth Taylor

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
- - - Margaret Mead (May 15, 1958)




A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.
- - - Alexander Pope

A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
- - - Tom Waits

A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
- - - Alexander Pope

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
- - - from "Heathers"

Differently clued.
- - - Dave Clark

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
- - - Josh Billing

End of season sale at the cerebral department.
- - - Gareth Blackstock

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
- - - David Letterman

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- - - Abraham Lincoln

He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
- - - Robert Redford

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
- - - Billy Wilder

He is brilliant - to the top of his boots.
- - - David Lloyd George

He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea.
- - - John Steinbeck

He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
- - - Mark Twain

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.
- - - Joseph Heller

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
- - - Ellen Glasgow

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- - - Forrest Tucker

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- - - Groucho Marx

He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.
- - - Leo Tolstoy

He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.
- - - Earl of Rochester

He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.
- - - Sydney Smith

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
- - - John Ruskin

He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts - for support, not illumination.
- - - Andrew Lang

He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
- - - Samuel Butler

He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.
- - - Benjamin Disraeli

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
- - - Robin Williams

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
- - - Mark Twain

His ignorance is encyclopedic.
- - - Abba Eban

His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it.
- - - F. H. Bradley

His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
- - - Heywood Braun

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

I wish I’d known you when you were alive.
- - - Leonard Louis Levinson

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
- - - Eugene McCarthy

If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner’s luck.
- - - William Lashner "Veritas"

Little things affect little minds.
- - - Benjamin Disraeli

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
- - - Van Jacobson

No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
- - - Rob Wagner

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
- - - Dave Barry

Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
- - - Foghorn Leghorn

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham

She is a water bug on the surface of life.
- - - Gloria Steinem

She’s descended from a long line her mother listened to.
- - - Gypsy Rose Lee

Stay with me; I want to be alone.
- - - Joey Adams

Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)
- - - Lily Tomlin

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.
- - - Douglas Adams

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
- - - Thomas Brackett Reed

Useless as a pulled tooth.
- - - Mary Roberts Rinehart

What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
- - - from "Murphy Brown"

What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.
- - - Fred Allen

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
- - - David Letterman

While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
- - - James Thurber

You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.
- - - David Letterman

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
- - - Groucho Marx




A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.
- - - Oscar Wilde

A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.
- - - Edith Sitwell

A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
- - - Benjamin Disraeli

Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
- - - Al Capp

An editor should have a pimp for a brother so he’d have someone to look up to.
- - - Gene Fowler

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
- - - Mark Twain

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
- - - Fred Allen

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
- - - Groucho Marx

I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money’s sake.
- - - John D. Rockefeller

If all the girls who attended the Harvard-Yale game were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
- - - Dorothy Parker

If there's anything disgusting about the movie business, it's the whoredom of my peers.
- - - Sean Penn

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the ‘hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.
- - - Spiro T. Agnew (about the press, 1970)

Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.
- - - Jackie Gleason

Nature not content with denying him the ability to think, has endowed him with the ability to write.
- - - A. E. Housman

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.
- - - -Moses Hadas

The fact that a man is a newspaper reporter is evidence of some flaw of character.
- - - Lyndon Johnson

This is not a book that should be tossed lightly aside. It should be hurled with great force.
- - - Dorothy Parker

This is one of those big, fat paperbacks, intended to while away a monsoon or two, which, if thrown with a good overarm action, will bring a water buffalo to its knees.
- - - Nancy Banks-Smith (review of M.M. Kaye’s "The Far Pavillions")

Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty.
- - - Lillian Hellman

You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
- - - Aristophanes



A dork is a dork is a dork.
- - - Judy Markey

Being attacked by him is like being savaged by a dead sheep.
- - - Dennis Healy

Debating against him is no fun, say something insulting and he looks at you like a whipped dog.
- - - Harold Wilson

Failure has gone to his head.
- - - Wilson Mizner

God was bored by him.
- - - Victor Hugo

Greater love hath no man than this, to lay down his friends for his life.
- - - Jeremy Thorpe

He could never see a belt without hitting below it.
- - - Margot Asquith

He had delusions of adequacy.
- - - Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
- - - Winston Churchill

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- - - Oscar Wilde

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.
- - - David Lloyd George

He is a fine friend. He stabs you in the front.
- - - Leonard Louis Levinson

He is a man of splendid abilities but utterly corrupt. He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight.
- - - John Randolph

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- - - John Bright

He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.
- - - Herbert Beerbohm Tree

He is as good as his word - and his word is no good.
- - - Seamus MacManus

He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.
- - - Lady Caroline Lamb

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.
- - - Samuel Johnson

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- - - H. H. Munro

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- - - Paul Keating

He is so mean, he won’t let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.
- - - Eugene Field

He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease.
- - - Henry James

He made enemies as naturally as soap makes suds.
- - - Percival Wilde

He makes a July's day short as December.
- - - William Shakespeare

He must have killed a lot of men to have made so much money.
- - - Moliere

He never bore a grudge against anyone he wronged.
- - - Simone Signoret

He was a bit like a corkscrew. Twisted, cold and sharp.
- - - Kate Cruise O’Brien

He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
- - - Mark Twain

He was about as useful in a crisis as a sheep.
- - - Dorothy Eden

He was as great as a man can be without morality.
- - - Alexis de Tocqueville

He was happily married - but his wife wasn’t.
- - - Victor Borge

He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met.
- - - William Faulkner

He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use them.
- - - Charles Kingsley

He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin.
- - - Dorothy L. Sayers

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
- - - Molly Ivins

He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
- - - Fred Allen

He was trying to save both his faces.
- - - John Gunther

He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone.
- - - Oscar Wilde

He’s so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code.
- - - Earl Wilson

He’s the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces.
- - - Mae West

He’s the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.
- - - Wilson Mizner

He’s very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
- - - Margot Asquith

I will always love the false image I had of you.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
- - - Woody Allen

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- - - Charles, Count Talleyrand

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast.
- - - W. S. Gilbert

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
- - - Oscar Wilde

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.
- - - Heinrich Heine

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- - - Ada Leverson

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- - - Robertson Davies

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- - - Charles Talleyrand

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
- - - Margot Asquith

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
- - - Jean Webster

She never was really charming till she died.
- - - Terence

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
- - - Michael Arlen

She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham

She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.
- - - Harold Nicholson

She should get a divorce and settle down.
- - - Jack Paar

She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts.
- - - Raymond Chandler

She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
- - - Alexander Woollcott

She’s been on more laps than a napkin.
- - - Walter Winchell

She’s got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- - - John Cantu

She’s so pure, Moses couldn’t even part her knees.
- - - Joan Rivers

She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
- - - Mae West

She’s the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- - - C. S. Lewis

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
- - - Alan Bennett

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- - - Oscar Wilde

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
- - - Tobias George Smolett

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
- - - Kin Hubbard

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
- - - Joseph Heller "Catch-22"

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- - - Dorothy Parker

The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
- - - Mae West

The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.
- - - William Keegan

The perfection of rottenness.
- - - William James

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
- - - George Jean Nathan

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

There but for the grace of God, goes God.
- - - Winston Churchill

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
- - - Bette Davis

Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
- - - Jack London

You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child.
- - - Martial

You had to stand in line to hate him.
- - - Hedda Hopper

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.
- - - Norm Papernick

You take the lies out of him, and he’ll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he’ll disappear.
- - - Mark Twain

You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.
- - - Wilson Mizner

You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.
- - - Joe Orton

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
- - - Frederic Raphael



Miscellaneous curmudgeonly comments

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
- - - Louis Nizer

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- - - Groucho Marx

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- - - Oscar Levant

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- - - Winston Churchill

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
- - - Jonathan Swift

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- - - Groucho Marx

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.
- - - Neil Simon

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
- - - Eddie Cantor

He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- - - Raymond Chandler

He’s completely unspoiled by failure.
- - - Noel Coward

He’s liked, but he's not well liked.
- - - Arthur Miller

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- - - Mae West

I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- - - Steven Pearl

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
- - - Mark Twain

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- - - Mark Twain

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
- - - Stephen Bishop

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- - - Clarence Darrow

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- - - Fred Allen

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
- - - Robert Louis Stevenson

I thought men like that shot themselves.
- - - King George V

I’ll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
- - - Irving Brecher (Marx Bros. "At the Circus")

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- - - Groucho Marx

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let's hope it’s nothing trivial.
- - - Irvin S. Cobb

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- - - Charles Pierce

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
- - - Ellen Glascow

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
- - - Beatrix Lehmann (watching a Hollywood wedding.)

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.
- - - Ivy Compton-Burnett

She’s good, being gone.
- - - William Shakespeare

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- - - William Dean Howells

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
- - - Jackie Gleason

The gods too are fond of a joke.
- - - Aristotle

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
- - - Joseph Stilwell

There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
- - - Jack E. Leonard

They don’t hardly make ‘em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
- - - Hunter S. Thompson

We’ve been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind.
- - - John Ehrlichman

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.
- - - Liberace

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
- - - Milton Berle

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- - - Groucho Marx

You have delighted us long enough.
- - - Jane Austen

You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.
- - - Jim Samuels

You’re a parasite for sore eyes.
- - - Gregory Ratoff

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