"One nation under God
has turned into one nation under the influence of one drug,
Television, the drug of the Nation, Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation"
- Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy
"There's always something
good on TV. That's been my motto since I was a kid."
- Bright, "Everwood"
~ Observations about TV
~ American TV
~ Medical Shows
~ Deadwood Quotes
~ Scrubs Quotes
~ How I Met Your Mother Quotes
~ Arrested Development Quotes
~ Wonderfalls Quotes
I wonder if in some
weird Freudian way, Kojak was sucking on his own head.
- Steve Webster on Kojak's lollipop
I have come up with
a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called "A
Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark".
- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
"So Mr.Clinton, tell
me, what do you think of this new wonder-drug 'Viagra'?"
"Its like they found a way to put 23-year old interns in a bottle."
- Late Night With Conan O'Brien
"Ellen de Generes and
Anne Heche are talking about having a baby. They're worried, because if
it's anything like Ellen, it's going to take much longer than nine months
to come out."
- Late Night With Conan O'Brien
# AMERICAN SHOWS
"So don't adjust that
dial, and while we're gone, if any talking animals ask you to buy some
tacos or beer, for God's sake, do what they tell you."
- Casey, "Sports Night"
"One of the things
this show does is decide what's cool, and I've just decided it's no longer
cool for grown men to dress as if they're in junior high school."
- Matt on "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip"
"Your side hates my
side because you think we think you're stupid. My side hates your side
because we think you're stupid."
- Matt to Harriet, about culture wars, "Studio 60"
"Can we have this conversation
- Danny, "Studio 60 on a Sunset Strip"
"The story wasn't to
my liking, but it shows an uncanny understanding of what other people like."
- Roger, "Mad Men"
"I'm alright! I'm alright!
...am I alright? Quit looking at me like that."
- Dix's helmet saves him, "Band of Brothers"
"Can I order you something?"
"Any combination of alcohol and caffeine."
- Stuart and Michelle, reaching the end of a stressful day in the bar, "Spin City"
"This is why you're
stuck sleeping with women."
- Carter, commenting on Charlie's fashion sense, "Spin City"
"How drunk are you
... on a scale from one to Courtney Love?"
- Lauren to Val on "What I Like About You"
"No tea for me. Unless
it's from Long Island. And there's ice in it."
- Max, walking into a turf war 'teaparty' in London, "The Grid"
"They don't give a
damn about people. We're just so much litter for them to wade through."
- Derek Jennings, MI6, on the trail of terrorists, "The Grid"
"I'm falling in love
with you and I want to find a way to continue falling in love with you."
- Raza, to Emily, "The Grid"
"Virtue doesn't mean
anything unless it's tested alongside vice."
- Detective Pembleton, "Homicide: Life on the Streets"
"We're here about death,
- Pembleton, urging Bayliss to get to the details of a victim's death, "Homicide"
"This is not a black
thing; this is a blue thing."
- Lt. Giardello, urging Pembleton to be a team player, "Homicide"
"It's homicide, the
one thing this country's still good at."
- Crosetti, "Homicide"
"There's life beyond
- Crosetti, urging his partner to expand his horizons, "Homicide"
"Most times it ain't
what you do, it's what people think you're capable of."
- from "Cold Case"
"I put six bullets
in him. You're telling me I didn't kill him?"
"It wasn't meant as a criticism."
"This is not good Mickey."
- Murtagh and Mickey, "EZ Streets"
"Who the hell is that!"
"It's Mrs Dogface."
"You let Mrs Dogface audition!?!"
"...Should we start shooting back?"
- Murtagh and Mickey, as the strip club audtions turn sour, "EZ Streets"
"Come back to me with
something. Give me a reason not to do what you know I gotta do."
- Murtagh to Mickey, "EZ Streets"
"He might have loved
me, but all my life, he was never proud of me."
- Mickey, about his father, "EZ Streets"
"Danny, this tie thing,
it's starting to scare me. You look like you're working vice."
- Murtagh, "EZ Streets"
"He did three years
for his friend, let's see if he'll do life."
- Quinn, as Danny prepares to take a fall for Murtagh, "EZ Streets"
"Cops should act like
cops. That's what we pay them to do."
- Murtagh, about Quinn, "EZ Streets"
"I scare myself more
than you scare me."
- Murtagh to Quinn, "EZ Streets"
"Look at her, what
did she ever do to hurt anyone but herself? ...What kind of man are you?
You're supposed to protect the innocent."
"What kind of man are you? You're thinking about letting your wife take the fall for a lowlife like Jimmy Murtagh?"
- Danny to Quinn, about Ellie, "EZ Streets"
"You're making a big
"Yeah, well, you make enough of them, you get good at it."
- Theresa and Danny, "EZ Streets"
"I'll have another,
and ah, whatever she wants."
"That's all you want?"
"You offering more?"
"Oh, I'd be scared of what you bring to bed."
"You mean like feelings Cam?"
"See already I'm getting scared."
"Fear is an emotion. That's an improvement."
- Cameron Quinn & Theresa Connors, "EZ Streets"
"Information is a wonderful
thing. You get enough of it on enough people and it tends to be self perpetuating."
- Captain Geary, "EZ Streets"
"They're making a lot
of people nervous on both sides of the law."
- Captain Geary, about the EZ-ies gang, "EZ Streets"
"This is a free country."
"No, it's a democracy. And, the majority of us don't like what's going on here."
- A Suspect and Finn, "Law & Order SVU"
"What language was
"You mean your name is Jones and you don't speak Welsh?"
- Indy and Vicky Prentiss engage in a language duel, "The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles"
"OK, I'm going to go
figure out how I lost this argument. I'm going to go away and then come
back and we can argue some more!"
- Jack to Becky, "Kitchen Confidential"
"Figuring out if a
car is tailing you is mostly about driving like you're an idiot. You speed
up, slow down, signal one way, turn the other. Of course ideally you're
doing this without your mother in the car."
- Michael, "Burn Notice"
"I accused some people
of murder today and it didn't go very well."
- Andy Barker, accountant and "Andy Barker PI"
"Lou are you scared
"You should be too! They can live without a *head*."
- Simon, wannabee PI and hard-boiled Lou, "Andy Barker PI"
"Money and sex. It
always comes down to money and sex."
- Lou, on the motives for crime, "Andy Barker PI"
"All the little kids'
smiles on earth won't buy me a house full of Costa Rican maids with an
incomplete knowledge of sexual harrassment laws..."
- Andy confronts a suspect, "Andy Barker PI"
"Come on, I need a
"Ok, but if we're using flight metaphors I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA looking at the wreckage."
- from "The Big Bang Theory"
"Don't tell me you
know how to build a bomb out of a stick of chewing gum?"
"Why, you got some?"
- Dr. Spencer and MacGyver, "MacGyver Pilot"
"I'd kiss you MacGyver,
but I got this cold..."
- Dr. Spencer and MacGyver, "MacGyver Pilot"
"Dreams are important,
otherwise sleep is just eight hours of nothing."
- Jimmy Kendall, "MacGyver"
"For the past seven
years I have done nothing but travel around the world getting shot up,
locked up, blown up... and all I have to show for it are a couple of empty
rolls of duct tape."
"Most people go out
and work for a living instead of dragging their friends from one disaster
- MacGyver to Jack Dalton
a crime when it's enforced by somebody with the sensitivity and judgment
of a rock."
"I'm not trying to
be mysterious about it, it's just that what I do is tough to explain."
"That's your main guy.
He doesn't seem so special. Where's his gear?"
"He doesn't have any gear. That's what makes him special."
- Colonel Woodward and Pete Thornton
"Shouldn't we be using
charts or something?"
"What's the name on the side of the plane?"
"'Fly by night'."
"Fly by night Mac!"
- Jack Dalton and MacGyver, at unknown altitude
"Easy, easy. You're
making enough noise to wake the dead!"
"If you don't get out of this coffin right now you will be dead!"
"If I get out of this coffin I probably will be dead."
- Jack and MacGyver
"Police? CIA? What
about the FBI? Let's go for the hat-trick."
- Jack, on the run with MacGyver
"Don't suppose you
"No, I figured it was your turn."
- MacGyver and Jack
& Export. Exposition Boulevard..."
- MacGyver, stumbling on a timely clue
"Evil cannot be beaten
simply by confronting it."
- Dr. Zito, "MacGyver
"Did you really think
that I would give you a door that you could pick open?"
- Dr. Zito, with a lesson for "MacGyver"
"Men don't know what
they know. The good ones suspect there's something they don't know."
"The only people who
don't know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith."
- Addison to Richard, "Grey's Anatomy"
"Mom, if you're trying
to drive me crazy, I can walk from here."
- Sarah, on "Brothers & Sisters"
"Betty, I could never
compare my problems to yours but they're mine ó nothing's ever easy."
- Daniel to Betty, "Ugly Betty"
"If my life were like
a movie, I'd fall asleep or I'd walk out."
- Brenda, "Six Feet Under"
"Karen, during all
my struggles you've constantly been partially there for me. Is there anything
I can pretend to do for you now?"
- Jack to Karen, "Will & Grace"
"Lorraine's from England,
so if you really wanted to hurt her, you could hold her down and make her
watch the American version of anything British."
- Jack to Karen on "Will & Grace."
"Last time I was on
a date Bush was President and we were about to go to war with Iraq,"
- Karen, "Will & Grace"
"Which show will be
more dated due to its plethora of pop-culture references: 'Gilmore Girls'
or 'Will & Grace'? Discuss."
- Zap2it.Com's TV Gal
"You gotta be a little
skeptical, Sharona. Otherwise you end up believing in everything ó UFOs,
elves, income tax rebatesÖ"
- Monk, on "Monk"
"She forgot she was
a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's likeÖ forgetting you're
- Monk, on "Monk"
"There's nothing to
be afraid of. I'll be with you the whole time. What are the odds of another
dentist torturing you?"
- Natalie, to Monk, after he suffers a "Marathon Man" type ordeal, "Monk"
"The police make mistakes...
But a killer has to be perfect. And nobody's perfect."
- Monk, on why killers always get caught, "Monk"
"Running from the law
wasn't as easy as they made it look on 'The Dukes of Hazzard.'"
- Joy to Earl on "My Name Is Earl"
"Now, I'm not saying
I'm God, but I do bring forth a mighty vengeance if disobeyed!"
- Bernie, "The Bernie Mac Show"
"It's so sad, this
is the smallest amount of power I've seen go to someone's head."
- Jim, as Dwight busies himself with a petty task, "The Office"
"He's going to kill
himself pretending to kill himself."
- Jim, on Michael's safety awareness stunt, "The Office"
"Without these commercials
no one would get paid and daddy needs new highlights."
- Ryan Seacrest on "American Idol"
"I have to check on
Mr. Nielsen. You know, I don't see what the problem is. These numbers aren't
- Becker talking about a patient on "Becker" series finale, referencing Nielsen ratings
"Lighten it with milk.
Think Michael Jackson around 'Thriller.'"
- Roberta, ordering her coffee, "Good Morning Miami"
"I don't drink coffee,
sir. I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature."
- Kenneth, on "30 Rock"
"We gotta get rid of
these shamrocks. Nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap."
- Terrell, in Paddy's Irish Bar, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"
"Well I've read the
constitution and it does not protect against ugly people."
- Gabrielle, "Desperate Housewives"
"Why are you dating
someone old enough to have lost her virginity during World War 2? And knowing
her, not to one of our guys!"
- Charlie to Alan, "Two and a Half Men"
"I left you alone for
a couple of hours and you turned my business into a brothel?"
- Alan to Charlie, "Two and a Half Men"
"I don't think of you
as a kid. More as a gassy dwarf."
- Charlie to Jake, "Two and a Half Men"
"You know what I think?"
"If I say 'yes' do you still have to tell me?"
"Robert is afraid of intimacy. That's why he gets into relationships that are doomed from the start."
"Yeah, but what a way to go."
- Debra and Ray, after Robert dates a 22 year old on "Everybody Loves Raymond"
"If I wanted you to
know what I'm thinking I'd be talking."
- Al Bundy, "Married With Children"
Claire: [sighs] "I've got all night."
Trevor: "Tremendous it appears I'm free too, maybe we should hang the do-not-disturb sign."
Claire: "I'll ask you to refrain from that sort of innuendo."
Trevor: "You will? When?"
Claire: [pointing to self] "Doctor. [pointing to Trevor] Patient. Are we clear?"
Trevor: "Yes indeed, it's one of my favorite games ever.... I've got a hernia!"
"I believe in truth
"No, you don't."
"You're right, I don't, let me tell you whyÖ"
"I'm am not interested."
"But you're well proportioned, that counts for something."
"InterestED, not interestING."
"And you smell good."
- Trevor and Claire, "Cupid"
"Yeah, Richard, it's Caroline."
"Actually it's a machine, but aren't we all?"
- Caroline gets through to Richard's answering machine, "Caroline in the City"
"She wakes up in the
morning singing 'Good morning! Good morning! A happy winter morning'."
"And you haven't clubbed her like a baby seal yet?"
- Richard and Annie, about Richard's bubbly girlfriend, "Caroline in the City"
"I don't dump people.
I graciously disengage."
"Oh, so you lied to her?"
- Richard and Del, about Shelly, "Caroline in the City"
"You know, life's a
lot like a river ó Fast, furious, unpredictable. You just have to take
it as it comes. Every now and then though, I wish I was one of those people
who had a boat."
- Caroline, opening "Caroline in the City"
"Here it is, the moment
where you try to decide... do I kiss her, do I not? Let me help you out...
- Annie, about to make a pass at her cute date, "Caroline in the City"
"Look, it's only a
birthday present! It just means I'm glad you didn't die partway through
- Dave, "News Radio"
"Would it be impolite
at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?"
- Dave, "News Radio"
"There is a perception
in the press, no clearer than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now,
where do you think this perception comes from."
"I think it comes from reality."
"You think it's the clothes?"
"I think it's the haircut."
- Casey and Dana, "Sports Night"
"No rich young white
guy has ever gotten anywhere with me comparing himself to Rosa Parks."
- Isaac to Dan, "Sports Night"
"Just because I have
breasts doesn't mean I have magic powers over infants."
- Bones to Booth on "Bones"
"I don't want to be
"That's like me saying I don't want to be the sexy FBI agent. We can't change who we are."
- Brennan to Booth on "Bones"
# FAMILY TIES
Alex: "So Ellen tells
me you're rich... richly deserving of many compliments, that is."
Mr. Reed: "So you're Ellen's boyfriend."
Alex: "That is correct."
Mr. Reed: "What are you ó a dancer, poet, communist?"
Alex: "No sir, I'm against all those things."
Mr. Reed: "Well, that's refreshing."
"I haven't seen him
this excited since Reagan was elected."
- Steven, as Alex prepares for a date
"Hey, Alex, where you
"Oh, we had a meeting at the debate club that ran a little long. Kept arguing over what time to stop."
"Skippy, do you remember
when we were little kids and I accidently ran over you with my bicycle?"
"I drive a car now."
- Alex and Skippy
"Well, Erwin, I've
been explaining to Alex that a monk must take sacred vows of obedience,
poverty, and chastity."
"So you mean do what you're told, always be broke, and never have a date?"
"I may already be a monk and not know it."
- Timothy and Skippy
"I try to be a responsible
person, but sometimes the human side of me takes over, you know?"
- Alex, after throwing a party
"So you believe in
the old double standard then don't you?"
"No, I believe in a triple standard: One for girls, one for boys, and one for sisters."
- Mallory and Alex, after Mallory dates one of Alex's friends
# FRASIER & CHEERS
"Don't tell me that
you've never used sex to get what you want"
"Men can't use sex to get what we want. Sex *IS* what we want."
- Daphne & Frasier, "Frasier"
"I'm deep enough to
realise that I'm shallow."
- Frasier Crane
"If only it were that
- Frasier, discussing the baffling case of an uncomplicated patient with Niles
"This is boring yet
- Niles, learning to dance
"My Tae Kwando instructor
tells me I'm just two moves away from becoming 'quite threatening'... Fortunately,
I haven't shaved in several hours."
- Niles, about to enter a pub
"We gotta get her a
girlfriend to talk to."
- Martin, after Daphne tells him about a date
"Why is it so easy
to love our families but so hard to like them?"
"I've got to get Daphne
out of there! God it's a recipe for disaster. We've got a vulnerable woman
and unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night. All we're missing
is someone shouting 'Heathcliff' across the moors!"
- Frasier, after Niles and Daphne are rained in
"It's like correcting
people's grammar, I don't do it to be popular."
- Frasier Crane, taking a stubborn stand for drivers' rights
"I can't read my paper
Dad. Eddie keeps staring at me."
"Oh, just ignore him."
"I'm talking to the dog."
- Frasier and Martin
"Frasier is screwing
- Roy Romano, after former co-star Patrcia Heaton stars with Kelsey Grammer
"Maybe I've settled
for Lilith, because she's the only woman who liked me for, well, not my
- Frasier, in his "Cheers" days
"You know in the space
of the last 30 seconds we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil, and sudden
senseless violence. It puts me in mind of a passage from The Pickwick Papers."
- Frasier, trying to get the gang interested in Charles Dickens
Carla: "Who isn't here?"
All the guys: "Me!"
- Carla, screening the calls in "Cheers"
"All great friendships
start with one small act of vengeance."
- Carla, to Diane
"Frasier insists on
making mountains out of molehills."
"He wants you to wear a padded bra?"
- Carla, kicking Diane when she's down
"For one terrible moment
there... I saw nothing but a cheap harlot."
"Oh come on, we all know you'd starve to death before making a living with your body."
- Diane and Sam
"You know, you are
the last person in the world who should take shots at somebody else's choice
of dates. Not with the coterie of Betty Boops you squander your time, money
and hormones on."
- Diane to Sam
"You know what bothers
me? There are women on whom this works. And they're allowed to vote and
- Diane, dismissing Sam's attempts at flirting
"Maybe she's playing
hard to get; but hard to get for me used to mean having to sit through
- Sam, about Diane
"Just 'cos I'm a neat
looking guy and you're kind of hungry..."
"I'm the best thing that could happen to you and you're too stupid to realise it."
"Before you came here I was a happy man! ...You can't shut up long enough to kiss me. To save your life, you couldn't shut up for 30 seconds!"
- Sam to Diane
"You made my life a
"Well, I didn't want you to think I was easy."
- Sam and Diane, on the threshold at last
"Ah Sammy, watching
you get ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a
- Norm to Sam
"Now there'll be no
more 'women'. Just woman."
- Sam, at his bachelor party
"What am I going to
do? My mind doesn't work like this. It's trained to get women *into* bed...
What would Diane do?"
- Sam, juggling too many women
"Why are you wearing
"For the same reason Superman wears a cape ó to rescue people... Sweetheart, can you help me with my cufflinks?"
- A dateless Rebecca and Sam, before the company party
"Are there more of
- Sam, giving Rebecca's sister his trademark welcome
"Hard to believe those
and Vera belong to the same sex."
- Norm, watching some Playboy playmates at a photoshoot in the bar, "Cheers"
"Ah, none of those
girls have what I'm looking for."
- Cliff and Norm
"I didn't even know
she was there."
"Yeah, I think we need to put a little bell on her."
- Cliff and Norm, caught off guard by Carla in "Cheers"
"Wait, who are you
ashamed of ó me or her?"
"A little of both."
- Cliff, wondering why he's never met Norm's wife
Under Old Management.
- Sign in Cheers after Sam gets the bar back
Coach: "How's life
treating you, Norm?"
Norm: "Like it caught me in bed with its wife."
Coach: "How's life
Norm: "Not for the squeamish, Coach"
Coach: "What's the
Norm: "Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it."
Woody: "Hey Mr Peterson,
room for a beer?"
Norm: "No, but I'm willing to add on."
Woody: "How would a
beer feel, Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "Pretty nervous if I was in the room."
Woody: "What can I
do for you, Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "Elope with my wife."
Woody: "What's happening,
Norm: "The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?"
Paul: "Hey Norm, how's
the world been treating you?"
Norm: " Like a baby treats a diaper."
Sam: "Hey Norm what
do you know?"
Norm: "Not enough."
Sam: "How's life treating
Norm: "It's not. But that don't mean that you can't."
# MEDICAL SHOWS
"I timed that, it took
22 seconds for him to hate you ó it must be a new record."
- Phillip Watters to Jeffrey Geiger, "Chicago Hope"
"I saw this on a PBS
special. That's not friendly body language. See those little specks of
spit coming out of her mouth? That's hostility."
- Jeffrey Geiger, "Chicago Hope"
"I left you way too
soon, there's so much more to hate about you. I get the feeling I could
have left you for a hundred reasons I haven't even discovered yet."
- Camille to Aaron, "Chicago Hope"
"The bottom line is
he loves you. That's not enough to make it work but it should be enough
to stop you walking out the door."
- Jeffrey to Camille, "Chicago Hope"
"He likes to grind
my stones for sport. God help me if I should antagonise him."
- Danny Nyland, about Jeffrey, "Chicago Hope"
"Why do I feel being
quarantined with a fatal disease should somehow be more fun?"
- Maggie Atkinson, "Chicago Hope"
"I'm the hospital psychiatrist...
How do you feel?"
"My arm hurts."
"No, no, I mean *emotionally*!"
"My arm hurts."
- The Very Deep Danny Nyland, "Chicago Hope"
"I'm not feeling appeased
- Jeffrey, "Chicago Hope"
"In other words, you
want to buy my silence?"
"No. In exactly those words."
- Alan Birch, dealing with a malpractice suit, "Chicago Hope"
"Are you married?"
"No, I'm a doctor."
- Patient and Susan Lewis, "ER"
"I'll sue his ass."
"That's very American of you."
- Patient and Mark Greene, "ER"
"I don't believe in
"I always suspected you were an old-fashioned girl."
"Don't believe in marriage either."
- Randi and Mark Greene, "ER"
"Fine couple of doctors
we are, huh?"
"Remember when we were going to change the world?"
"No. I was always in it for the money."
- Doug Ross and Mark Greene, "ER"
"Boy, I go away for
a couple of weeks. You guys got engaged, Chen's pregnant, Malucci's blonde,
admin looks totally different and I seem to forget my locker combination."
- John Carter, "ER"
"Can you imagine me
- Lucy Knight, dizzy new intern, "ER"
"How did I make a fool
"Well, you participated in a duel for one."
- John Carter and Susan Lewis, "ER"
"That is some poisonous
one-armed midget you've got running this place."
- Sam is not impressed with the Romano regime, "ER"
"I'm a probationer.
I'm not supposed to be here. My standing orders..."
"Standing orders don't save lives. You will."
- Nurse Bennet and Dr. Culpin, en route to a accident, "Casualty 1907"
"Truth begins in lies.
Think about it."
"That doesn't mean anything, does it?"
- Dr Gregory House and Eric Foreman, "House"
"Have you ever considered
using your power to, I donít know, bring peace to the Middle East."
- Wilson to House, "House"
"How is it that you
always assume youíre right?"
"I donít, I just find it hard to operate on the opposite assumption. And why are you so afraid of making a mistake?"
"Because Iím a doctor. Because when we make mistakes people die."
- Cuddy and House, "House"
"The sonofabitch is
the best doctor we have."
- Cuddy, on why she can't fire "House"
"Donít you have to
care about people?"
"Caringís a good motivator. Heís found something else."
- Rebecca and Wilson, discussing "House"
"I hired you because
you look good."
"I was in the top of my class."
"But not the top... would that upset you, really, to think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty not some genetic gift of intelligence?"
"I worked very hard to get where I am."
"But you didnít have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. Thatís the law of nature, and you defied it. Thatís why I hired you."
- House and Cameron, "House"
"You have feelings
for her. This is bad."
- Wilson to House about Amber, "House"
In "House," Hugh Laurie
is the entire series. He's brilliant, but the credibility and gravitas
of everything around him suffers in comparison despite several high-quality
actors in the cast. "House" is able to partly redefine hospital dramas
because Dr. House is a bastard, plain and simple, and Laurie's tour de
force resonates through the hour, covering the conventionality of the rest
of the plot.
- Tim Goodman, "SF Chronicle"
"I don't trust you far as I can throw you,
but goddamit I enjoy the way you lie."
- Elsworth to Al Swearengen, "Deadwood"
"How stupid do you think I am?"
"I don't know, I just met you."
- Jack McCall and 'Wild Bill' Hickok, "Deadwood"
"Was that you or me Montana?"
"My money'd be on you."
- Wild Bill Hickock and Seth Bullock, after the shooting stops, "Deadwood"
"Are you poorly doc?"
"Don't worry about me, I know what I am, and what I'm not."
- Trixie and Doc Cochran, "Deadwood"
"I suppose a community such as this draws
a certain type of man."
- Alma Garret, "Deadwood"
"I've been called worse by better."
- Sol Star, shrugging off Al's anti-Semitic jibes, "Deadwood"
"You play poker?"
"I'm not good at it."
"You let that slow you down?"
- Wild Bill Hickock and Seth 'Montana' Bulloock, "Deadwood"
"You never gave me a chance to match his
"You couldn't have. You'd have killed me first. Don't think I haven't taken precautions. Don't think I don't know your mind."
- Al Swearengen and Arty Simpsons, "Deadwood"
"Pardon my French."
"Oh, I speak French."
- Al Swearengen, "Deadwood"
"Do not repeat back to me what I just said
in different fucking words!"
- Al Swearengen hosts a 'board' meeting, "Deadwood"
"He may get you anyway EB but if your nerve
goes he'll get you for sure."
- Eddie Sawyer to E.B. Farnum, "Deadwood"
"That's my whole philosophy and outlook,
make use of it as you will."
- Ellsberg puts himself in Dan's hands, "Deadwood"
"I'll try touching the moon before working
on a whore's thinking."
- Al, about Trixie, "Deadwood"
"Hey Reverend, you could have just said amen."
- Al, after the Reverend has a seizure, "Deadwood"
"First story for your next issue Mr. Merrick
- 'Town Drunk Walks Upright.'"
- EB Farnum, as Jane returns to camp, "Deadwood"
"I ain't p*ssed off. I'm in f*cking wonderment.
I'm waiting to be kept happy by another f*cking fairytale."
- Al Swearengen, listening to underlings, "Deadwood"
"Our stock's depleted, but we are offering
a 100% discount on any item that catches your eye. Our special 'Get-Acquainted-With-Those-We'd-Like-to-Get-Acquainted-With
- Sol to Trixie, "Deadwood"
"I wouldn't trust a man who wouldn't try
to steal a little."
- Al Swearengen, about EB's dealings, "Deadwood"
"You might, Dan, learn to indicate interest
in a girl without murdering someone."
- Al to Dan, "Deadwood"
"You can help your delicate sensibilities
by turning the f*ck away."
- Cy Tolliver, dealing with Flora and Miles, "Deadwood"
"Be in my joint in 2 hours. We're forming
a f*cking government!"
- Al to EB, "Deadwood"
"I'm declaring myself conductor of this meeting
as I have the bribe sheet."
- Al, founding father of "Deadwood"
"I begrudge that pervert his capacity for
- EB, watching the titlicker, "Deadwood"
"Get a f*cking haircut! You look like your
mother f*cked a monkey!"
- Al, to Adams, "Deadwood"
"Don't count on him to be loyal. And no f*cking
"I don't even know if he can write."
- Al Swearengen and Tom Nuttall, discussing the new sherriff
"I told her not to worry about your moods,
that you generate those yourself and then think of the excuses for having
"Saucy words doc, good thing you're handy with the snatch."
- Doc Cochran and Al, discussing Jewel
"Forgo your bath a moment, magistrate, unless
you want a girl to sponge you, while we converse?"
- Al, to Magistrate Clagett, "Sold Under Sin"
"Get the fuck out of here, doc. I'm working
on my deployments and flanking maneuvers."
- Al to Doc Cochran
"There's a bloodstain on your floor."
"Yeah, I haven't had a chance to get to that yet."
- Seth and Al
"You know I haven't spoken a word to that
woman since she came to camp."
- Al, to Seth, about Alma
"Whatever lurks ahead, whatever grievous
abominations and discord, you and me walk into it together, like always."
- Al to Dan
"...Resume being the upright pain in the
balls that graced us all last summer."
- Al, pushing Seth over the edge, "A Lie Agreed Upon"
"Heavens. Itís all like some great Greek
- EB Farnum, surveying the wounds after the showdown
"That Bullockís a f*****g strategist, ainít
he? Sets terms to publicly humiliate me, and my penalty if I donít
comply is he walks into the bar downstairs and takes 15 bullets in the
chest... sets himself to a higher fucking standard than our natures, and
he wants execution 'cause heís failed."
- Al, being called out by Seth
"What the f**k happened to two?"
- Seth and Charlie, waiting for Al
"Hardware Jew at less than full force? Now
theyíll be f*****g quaking."
- Jane, as a wounded Sol joins the gang
"Thereís a rodent-looking creature lamping
one of your barrels."
"Pay him no heed. Thatís the mayor."
- Maddie and Joanie
"Is there any f*cking chance you and me donít
end up in blood?"
"Any of you realizing that the sun donít rise and set on me and you?"
"What the f*ck does that f*cking mean?"
"Means there may be other f*cking factors factored into my decision-making. Besides the fact that I find you to be a pain in the balls, personally."
"Please report ó Commissioner Jarry from Yankton has arrived to the camp and intends to f*ck Al up the ass."
"Said he to you while doing the same?"
- Dan Dority and Silas Adams, "Requiem For A Gleet"
Who can blame the tutor for picking Adams?
Heís perfect. If I was hatching an evil plot that called for seducing someone
heís certainly who I would pick. And thereís the added benefit of him being
so handy with the killing and so forth.
- Adventure Girl, from her review of "Requiem for a Gleet"
"Why, even Richardson my chef, my eyes see
a beloved household pet somehow walking upright..."
- EB, on what he loves about his hotel, "Complications"
"Let me finish up my Jewish lessons here,
then come find you."
- Trixie, learning how to do accounts from Sol
"Bedridden, I know more than you."
- Al, to Seth, as he returns to his old self
"Who is that, the f*cking Sheriff? Flanked
by some assh*les?"
- Jane, as Seth holds off an angry mob
"You know Hostetler? I'd be glad if he heard
I'da done just what he did, only quicker."
- Fields, to Jane, after Hostetler gives him up
"The rabble was under your control?"
"No, Sir. Wouldn't have 'em. I am attuned, though, to the workings of what passes for their minds."
- Commissioner Jarry and Cy Tolliver, "Something Very Expensive"
"Seth. Weíre done talking about this. If
you keep it up, weíre going to fight, and youíll have to work by yourself
while I convalesce."
"Mr. Wolcott, I hear accounts that youíre
a dangerous lay, and that adds to my feeling of disturbed. Are you
inclined, Sir, every so often toÖ ride one off the cliff? Girls,
"I am disturbed at my private conduct being spoken of."
"Well, I should think you f*cking would be. And to think of Mr. Hearstís disturbance if he was to know. Because thatís a dangerous habit to indulge when youíre not among friends."
- Cy and Wollcott
"Including last night, thatís three f*cking
damage incidents that didnít kill you. Pain or damage donít end the
world, or despair or f*cking beatinís. The world ends when youíre
dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like
a man ó and give some back."
- Al, to Merrick, "EB Was Left Out"
"God, heís always dragginí that f*ckiní leg."
- Jewel, observing Al's post-gleet gait
"Hey, you ever hear, Tom, the Chinese whore
has a ancient way of milking ya of yer sorrow, your loneliness amd that
awful feeling of beiní forsaken?"
"Seems to me thatíd leave you with nothing."
- Con and Tom
"I feelÖ better lately in the afternoons
than in the morning."
- Alma and Seth
"You frighten her."
"I have that effect."
"I think specifically it was your plotting against her life."
- Alma and Al, discussing Sophia
"How does standing in my own puke prompt
you to volunteer me to give a condolence call?"
- Jane to Charlie, "Childish Things"
"Would you like a drink?"
"Yes! But my opening position is no."
- Joanie and Jane
"Are you the f*cking c*cksucker?"
"I may well be."
"Did you just kill that girl in the Chez Amie?"
"I did not. That girl in the Chez Amie is well."
"So whose bloodís on your fucking mug?"
"My own. My name is Francis Wolcott. If you find me untrue in any particular, I stay at the Grand Central Hotel."
"Who runs that joint?"
"A grotesque named Farnum."
"You ainít lied so far."
- Jane confronts Wolcott
"Heíll be judge on hisself and jury too.
Just like the f*ckiní most of us."
- Charlie, on Mose's guilty conscience, "Amalgamation And Capital"
"Why ainít you among the circumcised? The
day saw advances, Trixie. None miraculous."
- Al, to Trixie, "Advances, None Miraculous"
"Do you know prospecting, Mr. Swearengen?
All I really care about."
"I f*cking hope so. Iíd hate to think youíre this good at somethiní thatís only a f*cking hobby."
- Hearst and Al, "Boy The Earth Talks To"
"Summon... his holiness the Sheriff."
- Al, to Adams
"Fraught with contingencies, Chief, is our
electoral process. Will his holiness climb into a bottle or pursue the
widow, stiff-pr*cked, the miles to her Hot Springs honeymoon? Whoíll bear
the localís banner then?"
- Al, with a soliloquoy
"Leave the demons to God and the pain to
- Doc Cochrane to Alma, "Tell Your God To Ready For Blood"
"Tell your God to ready for blood."
- Al, to a bemused Richardson
"Do you only feign simplicity while plotting
ways to torment me?"
- EB to Richardson
"The last shot ain't fired yet."
- Trixie, urging defiance
"Always superflous is bloodsheed, the deeper
damage is best."
"I lack the qualities that minority participation
"Should I accompany you as your second? My
obvious unsuitability might confuse him?"
- Langrishe, as Al prepares to meet Hearst
"What is Steve-the-drunk's surname?"
- Alma, preparing a special loan
"What have the gods decreed?"
- EB, after the meeting of Hearst, Al and Cy
"If I wanted an echo Adams I'd stand in front
of a mountain."
- Al, not impressed with Silas's answers
"Being loyal he can forego loyalty's display."
- Al, about Silas
"We're leaving. Talk stupid to out f**king
- The Nigger General, to Steve
"You may view my behaviour as a random display
- EB to Al
"We are swept up by the larger events and
forces of our time."
"I have been engaged in complicated negotiations
- Jane, returning with the Nigger General
"The color brought commerce here and such
order as has been attained."
"Take the place down like Gomorroh."
"Can I fix you something to take away?"
"Something with meat and heat."
- Aunt Lou and the Nigger General
"You are less majestically neutral than cloaking
your cowardice in principle."
"Perhaps events have not yet disclosed to me all that I am."
- Hearst and Merrick
"The question is: until reinforced, can we
learn the ways of church mice."
- Al, outgunned by Hearst
"For the career to which you aspire you have
the necessary presumption."
- Langrishe to Mary
"I'm gonna f**k you up, and I'm the kind
of c**t he lets close."
- EB, with an idle threat for Hearst
"We are waiting for him: one of our chief
- The Troupe await Langrishe
"Goddamn it Richardson! You're too damn ugly
to be sneaking up on people."
"I rode into town to tell you, but I fell
one saloon short... lots of Chinamen in those hills. They building a railroad
- Hawkeye, "Tell Him Something Pretty"
"I'm taking him to vote for Bullock."
- The Nigger General, taking care of Steve
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