TELEVISION QUOTES - COMEDY

# SECTIONS

~ Arrested Development Quotes
~ How I Met Your Mother Quotes
~ Scrubs Quotes
~ Wonderfalls Quotes

# ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

"Michael, look at what the homosexuals have done to me?"
"Can't you just comb that out and reset it?"
        - Lucille and Michael, as the family celebration is disrupted by a gay pride demo, "Pilot"

"We just had an amazing fund-raiser for HOOP."
"HOOP?"
"My anti-circumcision movement... (flashback) I think it looks frightening when itís cut off. Itís a Doberman - let it have its ears."
"Believe it or not, we brought in over $40,000."
"Unbelievable. Sounds like you saved enough skin to make ten new boys."
        - Lindsay and Michael, "Pilot"

"Iíve always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?"
"Iíll never forget your wedding."
        - Lindsay and Michael, "Key Decisions"

"I care deeply for nature."
"Youíre wearing ostrich-skin boots."
"Well, I donít care about ostriches."
        - Lindsay and Michael, "Key Decisions"

"Look, I screwed up, okay? Iím lost and I hate them. I hate the Wetlands. Theyíre stupid and wet and there are bugs everywhere and I think I maced a crane, Michael."
        - Lindsay, in need of rescue, "Charity Drive"

"I donít know if that smell is you, the car, something you ate, or something youíre about to eat, but my God, youíre in a service business."
        - Lindsay advises a taxi driver, "Charity Drive"

"Maybe if you get him drunk. Itís the only way heíll give money to someone he calls a 'stay-in-bed mom'."
"He said that about me?"
"I know it was harsh, but, you know, he thinks youíre completely irresponsible. A stay-in-bed mom. Probably because you donít work, and youíre lazy."
        - Lucille and Lindsay, discussing Michael, "In God We Trust"

"Since when are you against leather?"
"Yeah, youíre not even a vegetarian."
"Iím not against the insides. People need meat to survive."
"You are aware that they donít remove it from the cow surgically, right?"
        - Maeby and Michael team up against Lindsay, "Storming The Castle"

"I'm a living saint and I get nothing out of it."
"You do get a false sense of superiority."
        - Michael and Lindsay, "Storming The Castle"

"Call me what you want..."
"An impotent man-boy."
        - Michael and Lindsay, "Storming The Castle"

"Who am I to judge? On the other hand, I'm doing it anyway."
        - Michael, judging Lindsay's marraige

"You selfish cunt-ry music loving woman."
        - Tobias, to Lyndsay, caught mid-argument by Maeby,  "Marta Complex"

"You do the noble thing and tell him you've met somebody else. I'll do the noble thing and tell him it's me."
        - Michael, to Marta, coming up with a plan, "Beef Consomme"

"You may not be good with women, but you're great with other people's women."
        - GOB, as Michael 'takes care' of Marta,  "Beef Consomme"

"We live by our code, you and I, to honor family."
"Yes, thatís one of the things that attracted me to you - your sense of right and wrong. I also like your hair and your face and your breasts."
        - Marta and Michael, "Beef Consomme"

"Will someone please have the decency to punch me in the face?"
        - Buster, looking for volunteers from Michael and GOB, "Beef Consomme"

"Hey, look, itís not coming from me. Itís George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother."
"Well, thatís ridiculous. Heís got you. Heís got our mother. Youíd think that would turn him off the entire concept."
        - Lindsay and Michael, "Shock and Aww"

"I donít think us sleeping together is working out. Youíre a grown man. You should be living with your mother."
        - Michael, after Buster moves into Michael's room, "Shock and Aww"

"But G.O.B. mistook Michaelís basic human decency for a romantic interest, and felt a competitive urge to step in."
        - Narrator, as GOB makes a play for Michael's 'date' Nagarmat, "Shock and Aww"

"He knows weíre going out. He saw me this morning."
"No, no. I covered that. I told him that you slept with my brother."
"That may be the most unethical thing I have ever heard."
"Well, youíve only been doing this half a semester. Look, it was a preemptive strike. My brother would have tried to sleep with you."
        - Miss Baerly, the Ethics teacher, and Michael,"Shock and Aww"

"I canít believe that would have worked."
        - George Michael is stunned when his lame line works on Miss Baerly, "Shock and Aww"

"Iím not a one-night stand kind of guy. I donít like lying to women."
"These are lawyers. Thatís Latin for 'liar'."
        - Michael and GOB, "Altar Egos"

"Boy, you really had to work hard to bag this blind girl, huh?"
        - GOB, to Michael, about Maggie, "Altar Egos"

"Okay, I tell you what. Iíll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60-40."
"55-55."
"Deal."
"Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think."
        - Lindsay, Maeby and Michael, not quite adding up, "Missing Kitty"

"So, GOB is late, but I guess thatís who you married. Heís probably out trying to do something very important."
"Are you hitting on me? GOB said that would happen."
        - Michael makes small talk with GOB's wife, "Best Man for the GOB"

"Hey, GOB, itís a good thing youíre not staying married to this girl. Youíve got her hating me: at least your version of me, which is actually you."
        - Michael, "Best Man for the GOB"

"Look at us. Weíre dressed like weíre in the í60s. Itís the 21st century. We should be dressing like itís the í80s."
        - Lindsay, part of "Dr. Fünke's 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution"

"Come on. Have a drink. Thereís some stuff coming up you might not be able to handle sober."
        - George Snr. to Ira the accountant, "Best Man for the GOB"

"OK, so you can run faster than me."
        - Maeby tries and fails to escape from Michael on 'Take Your Daughter To Work Day'

"You canít know. We got to keep you nice and clean. Especially if youíre going to take that lie detector test. Find out what Kitty wants and just give it to her. But donít find out what she knows."
        - George Snr. to Michael, "Let 'Em Eat Cake"

"Michael, she has the evidence of what we did over there."
"All she thinks it is is unpaid taxes."
"Yeah, but what if she gives it to somebody whoís even moderately intelligent?"
        - George Snr. & Michael, "Let 'Em Eat Cake"

"I like the family. I mean, if we leave, whoís gonna take care of these people?"
"I donít know. The state or the police. Maybe the Magicianís Alliance will pick up some slack."
        - George Michael & Michael, "Let 'Em Eat Cake"

"Mom volunteered me for the Army. Just because the fat man dared her to."
        - Buster falls foul of the 'Michael Moore' effect, "The One Where Michael Leaves"

"I still canít believe heís going into the Army. You know heís doing it just to spite me."
"Then why are you throwing him a party?"
"Just to spite him."
        - Lucille and Michael, "Amigos"

"We have a private eye, huh?"
"Oh, I hired him a hundred years ago to find out if your father was cheating on me. He never did find anything."
"Well, he canít be very good then."
       - Michael finds out about Gene Parmesan from Lucille, "Amigos"

"I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic."
"From who, the Nazis?"
"No, his girlfriend. From me."
        - Michael and Lindsay, with no clue as to who's in the attic, "Good Grief"

"Get me a vodka rocks."
"Mom, itís breakfast."
"And a piece of toast."
        - Lucille and Michael, at a family breakfast, "Switch Hitter"

"And Iím going to see if I can get a wrench to strip my nuts. I, uh, tried to be sexy. It just... got away from me."
        - Lindsay, "Burning Love"

And so lunch continued with both Bluth boys trying to prove they werenít interested in the women they were interested in.
        - Narration, as Michael and GOB lunch with Sally and Lucille 2, "Burning Love"

"My girlfriend Ann wants to have a Christian music bonfire here."
        - George Michael, hoping to impress Ann by destroying Satanic music, "Burning Love"

"I hope I didnít confuse people by saying it was a CD burning party?"
        - Maeby, "Burning Love"

"Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, arenít you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time."
"There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence... Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think youíre going to be surprised at some of your phrasing."
        - Tobias and Michael, "Ready, Aim, Marry Me"

"You donít see me nervous about being on my third Virgin Mary."
"Why would you be nervous? Thereís no alcohol in a Virgin Mary."
"There isnít? This is unbelievable. Can I get a Virgin Pina Colada when you get a chance? Now weíll get things started."
        - Maeby and George Michael, "Out on a Limb"

"I canít break up with her. I always assumed she would break up with me."
"Well, we may have to find a way to speed that process up."
        - George Michael and Maeby, discussing Anne, "Out on a Limb"

"I never thought Iíd meet someone like you. But come on. I mean, do you still really want me? Are you really that great of a guy?"
Michael had always thought of himself as that great a guy. The kind of guy who could raise someone elseís baby.
"Of course I am."
But he wasnít, and he regretted it the moment he said it.
        - Maggie, The Narrator and Michael, "My Hand to God"

"What on Earth is taking so long? Am I the only one who wants to get home and see their kids?"
       - Maeby, on the set of "The Young Man and the Beach", "My Hand to God"

"I think Iím responsible for Busterís hand."
"Yeah, and Iím responsible for an $80 million movie without an ending."
"Yeah, I know those problems seem big when youíre a kid, Maeby."
        - GOB and Maeby, "My Hand to God"

"I outsourced it, okay?"
        - Maggie, on the surrogacy, "My Hand to God"

"You donít remember her at all, do you?"
"Hey, it was one night of wild passion."
"And yet you didnít notice her body."
"I like to look in the mirror."
"Okay, that would be disgusting if youíd actually slept with her."
        - Michael and GOB, "Motherboy XXX"

"We did have sex... and Iím not a great liar."
Both things he just said were lies.
        - GOB and the Narrator, "Motherboy XXX"

"We should definitely sacrifice the whole virgin thing."
        - GOB takes over George Michael's campaign, "The Immaculate Election"

"Michael, what are you doing tomorrow?"
"Having my day ruined by whatever you're about to ask me to do."
        - Lucille and Michael, "Meet The Veals"

"Iím listening in on my son. Iím a little worried about his girlfriend, Ann."
"My advice? Get one of those teddy bears with the cameras in them. I had one in Busterís room to make sure he wasnít getting too serious with anyone. As it turned out, he got too serious with the teddy bear."
        - Michael and Lucille, "Meet The Veals"

"In the secular world, one finds oneself with a fair share of temptationsó"
"Take me... take me to your secular world!"
        - Michael, discussing 'secular' matters with Mrs. Veal, "Meet The Veals"

"I want to please you... secularly."
        - Mrs Veal to Michael, "Meat the Veals"

Due to poor acting, the burden of the story was placed on the narrator.
        - The Narrator, commenting on the "Scandal Makers" production, "Spring Breakout"

"I didnít think the woman Iíd be checking out at spring break would be Mom."
"Donít call my escorts 'whores'."
"...Stop it, stop it! This objectification of women has to stop!"
        - GOB, Buster and Lyndsay, "Spring Breakout"

"Iíve been drinking since before you were born. So if alcoholís the reason Iím here, I got news for you, bub, itís the only reason youíre here, too."
        - Lucille, in rehab, to Michael, "Spring Breakout"

"I donít want to ruin your fun, you know? But I hate to see guys treat you like this. Youíre better than that. To me, anyway. You'reó"
"Awesome?"
"No, I was going to say youíre like this flower. And I know itís springtime, but I hate to see you get plucked by someone who doesnít even care that youíre blossoming."
"Thatís what Iíve been waiting to hear."
        - George Michael and Maeby, "Spring Breakout"

"I like the way they think."
        - George Michael, converted to Francophilia by "Les Cousins Dangereux", "Righteous Brothers"

"Anyway, Iím going to go to the prison. Iím going to tell Dad about this news."
"I thought you said we shouldnít visit him."
"Uh, visit, no. Gloat, yes."
        - Michael and Lucille, "The Cabin Show"

"You seem more villainous than usual, Mom. Are you sober?"
        - Michael to Lucille

"Michael, Iíve got nothing! My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty. That bleached blonde whore!"
"Well, heís definitely got a type."
        - Lindsay and Michael

"I was set up. By the Brits. A group of British builders operating outside the O.C.ó"
"Donít call it that."
"ócontacted me for a partnership to build homes overseas. I did not know they meant Iraq."
"Weíve got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein."
"I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi"
        - George Sr & Michael, "For British Eyes Only"

"The Volvo didnít have satellite radio, which is crazy. I mean, what are we, Amish?"
        - Lindsay

"Boy, thatís an awful lot of money for the stupidest idea Iíve ever heard."
        - Michael

The end... but Michael Bluth will return in "Forget-Me-Now".
        - closing caption from "For British Eyes Only"

"Whatís a cultural problem, is what it is. You know, your average American male is in perpetual state of adoscence, you know, arrested development."
Hey, thatís the name of the show.
        - Michael (on a date with Rita), and the Narrator, "Forget Me Now"

"What about your family? Iíd love to meet your family."
Michael knew from experience that this would not turn out well.
"I donít have a family. I canít believe Iíve never told anybody that before."
        - Rita and Michael

"Thatís a great idea. Honor Buster tomorrow night. Weíll get the whole family over to the penthouse, show him our support."
"Well, I suppose itís better than drinking alone. What time?"
        - Michael and Lucille, planning a party

"Now youíve drugged him and had your way with him. How is that even possible?"
"No, George Michael, we didnít do anything. I just wanted him to think we did. Donít you see? I drugged him not to go all the way with him."
"Well, I think even the anti-drug people are going to be okay with that."
        - George Michael and Maeby, beside an unconcious Steve Holt

"Oh, Michael. Youíre such a <bleep>."
Michael was stunned. He assumed Rita was using the word bleep in the American sense, meaning weak or cowardly. In fact, Rita meant it in the British sense, meaning sweet or gentle.
        - Rita and the Narrator, "Notapusy"

"Who wouldnít want to snog the nanny?"
"Snog? Is that another one of your new Britishisms?"
        - Michael and Lindsay

"Thinking you and I should maybe go play a little catch, you know? Maybe go for a run. Do some guy stuff."
"But weíre not good at that stuff."
"Yes, I am."
        - Michael and George Michael

"I know who Annabelle is. Whoís the Ann thatís in the beauty pageant?"
"Thatís her. Her name isnít Annabelle, thatís Ann."
"No, I know her nameís not Annabelle. Thatís how I remember her name, ícause her bodyís kind of shaped like a... Sheís the belle of the ball."
        - Michael and George Michael

"Itís sort of like an inner beauty pageant."
"Ah! There it is. Is it like a Christian thing?"
"Well, itís half. Itís at the State Fair, which this year is gonna be a Church and State Fair."
        - George Michael and Michael

"Iím not gonna lie to your son."
"Come on. I lie to yours all the time."
        - Michael and GOB

"You really are quite a man, Michael."
"Do you really think so?"
"Oh, yes. Youíre a complete and utter <bleep>."
I canít believe we had to bleep that. It would have been such a nice moment.
        - Rita, Michael and the Narrator

Love Indubitably.
        - The British film Michael and Rita watch, "Mr. F"

"I hate it when they get Yanks to play Brits."
        - Rita (the non-British Charlize Theron)

Michael couldn't tear himself away. Could you?
        - The Narrator, on Michael's date with Rita

She was special... but she wasn't smart. Michael might have noticed her disability earlier were it not for her British accent.
        - The Narrator, "The Ocean Walker"

"What's Spanish for 'I know you speak English'?"
        - Lucille, not impressed with her staff, "Making a Stand"

"Dad are they strippers?"
"Knowing your uncle they're at least strippers."
        - George Michael and Michael, watching GOB's plan in action

"Are you responsible for this, Mom? Did you put one of your sons into a coma so that he canít
testify?"
"Michael, how dare you? Of course it crossed my mind. But this was all Buster. He got into your
brotherís pills."
"Not the Forget-Me-Nows?"
"He asked me for them. I didnít know. I thought he was dating again."
        - Lucille, Michael and GOB, discussing Buster's situation, "Faking It"

"I think itís very important that we remember heís fully insured."
        - Dr. Farmer, taking care of Buster

"I thought that you were going to..."
"Steal it?"
"Yes!"
"I might be your sister, remember?"
"Well, the fact that you didnít steal it might actually be proof that youíre not."
        - Michael and Nellie (Justine Bateman), "Family Ties"

"Itís perfectly innocent. Sheís my prostitute. Iím a red-blooded man. I have certain needs that
your mom canít satisfy."
        - George Snr.

"You just finished off the bottle?"
"Well, I had to. Itís vodka. It goes bad once itís opened."
"I think thatís another one of Momís little fibs."
        - Michael and Lindsay, "Exit Strategy"

"Youíre not going to Iraq."
"Youíre just jealous that I am the son that the father has asked to do his work in the Holy Land."
        - Michael and GOB

"Wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit."
"How do you come up with these?"
        - Lindsay and Michael

"So Pop-Pop is definitely innocent, huh?"
"No, not by a long shot but they have dropped all the charges, and not just the Iraq ones."
        - George Michael and Michael, "Development Arrested"

"Lindsay, you have nothing to worry about. Youíre a beautiful woman. Any man would be lucky to have you."
        - Michael

Michael had given this speech many times to Lindsay.
"Iím a giant, fat pig."
"I donít know why you say stuff like that. Girls just grow faster than boys."
        - The Narrator, Young Lindsay and Young Michael

"I guess we should go back. Family sticks together, huh?"
"Yeah. On the other hand, we do have a full tank of gas, a house in Cabo, and 500 grand in cashierís checks. What say we give them no choice but to keep themselves all together for a while?"
        - George Michael and Michael, sailing into the sunset

It was Arrested Development.
        - The Narrator

It's like Steve is America, and you're 'Arrested Development.' It's not that you're bad. It's just that he's not interested in you."
        - Francine to Stan on "American Dad"

# HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

"My friend just got dumped, so tonight all men are 'the Enemy'."
"If it would make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face."
"She would love that! I've seen that in movies. It looks like fun."
        - Robin and Ted, flirting in a bar

"I love a Scotch old enough to order to order its own Scotch."
        - Robin, babe and whisky drinker

"She didn't give me the signal!"
"What's she gonna do? Bat her eyes in Morse code?"
        - Ted and Barney

"So when you tell this story to your kids, can you avoid the 'psycho' word? I prefer eccentric."
        - Ted to Robin

"Don't say 'legendary'. You're too liberal with the word 'legendary'."
        - Ted to Barney

"We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snowsuit up!"
        - Barney, in a flashback

"Look, our forefathers died for the 'pursuit of happiness', okay? Not for the 'sit around and wait of happiness'."
        - Barney, living life to the full

"One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects. Don't you ever read my blog?"
        - Barney

"Your ego's writing cheques your body can't cash. Flight suit up!"
        - Barney, on a "Top Gun" buzz at Halloween

"Everyone else is off falling in love, acting goofy and sweet and insane but not me. Why don't I want that more?"
        - Robin

"Don't give up hope, Ted. There are new women turning 18 every day."
        - Ted goes to a matchmaker

"Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college."
        - Ted

"Ted, what does your mom always say?"
"Nothing good ever..."
"Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m."
        - Marshall and Ted

"The companionship business is the growth industry of the 21st century. You do realize that 1 out of every 8 adult women in America is a prostitute."
"Dude you just made that up."
"Withdrawn."
"Lawyered!"
        - Barney and Marshall

"Here's the thing about mistakes. Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway."
        - Ted

"You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And thatís not a good look for me!"
        - Barney

"Sorry buddy, wish I could help you but my hands are tied. Oh no wait. That was last night."
        - Barney, lead-in to a whipping sound

"I have sometimes hooked up with lasses who were beneath my level of attractiveness. But I was drunk! There's no way Claudia's been drunk for three years."
        - Barney, on a mismatched couple

"Table six has three bridesmaids, an eight, an eight and a seven. I'm willing to give you a shot at one of the eights..."
        - Barney, trying to rope Ted in as his wingman

"What was her name? Was it my fat cousin Lindsay? Don't be embarrassed, she has pretty eyes."
        - Claudia, asking Ted about who he hooked up with

"Wedding Goggles."
        - Victoria, on why people seem more attractive at weddings

"Tonight we will make a memory that will never be tarnished."
        - Victoria

"I've only had 2 boyfriends before Ted."
"Prude alert!"
"Well, two serious. Iíve had others."
"Slut alert!"
        - Victoria and Robin

"The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old."
        - Barney to Ted

"Nerds who arenít good at math? Life is going to be rough boys."
        - Robin

"Swear! Swear on the lives of your unborn son and daughter."
"I swear on Luke and Leia."
        - Lily and Ted

"The universe clearly doesn't want you and Robin together."
        - Barney to Ted

"For the first time *ever*, the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be legendary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there!"
        - Barney, jumping the gun with Ted and Marshall

"We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college."
"Stripclub?"
        - Barney and Ted, on the phone

"While baseball, guns and strippers can help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time."
        - Ted

"Listen, whenever you feel like calling her you come find me first, and I will punch you in the face."
        - Ted to Marshall

"I know what I did a couple of nights ago was in a moral grey area..."
        - Barney, kinda apologising to Marshall

"It's a lawless, post-apocalyptic wasteland..."
        - Barney, after he steals a girl on newly-single Marshall

"Look around. You are in the heart of bachelor country, and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex Visa, but that only lasts 12 hours. Fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry."
        - Barney to Lily

"That is awesome times awesome. That is awesome squared!"
        - Barney, after seeing revealing photos of Marshall

"Lily always made the pancakes. God I loved her pancakes. So soft. So warm. So perfectly shaped."
"Are we stil talking about her pancakes?"
        - Marshall and Ted

"Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy pink drinks with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like but can't order because they'll be made fun of."
"Dude."
"They're delicious!"
        - Marshall and Ted

"Well at least you apologized ... You apologized, didn't you?"
"Oh yeah, I'm sorry were the first words out of my mouth."
[Flashback]
"I'm sorry but I'm not apologizing."
        - Robin and Ted

"This is like the twelfth most scared I've ever been that someone was pregnant."
        - Barney, to Robin and Ted

"I think for the most part, if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life, life gives it to you... Of course, at that moment, all I really wanted was a scotch and soda, and a cigar."
        - Ted (voiceover), after the wedding

[Season 3]
"I know what she's doing. She's trying to win the breakup."
        - Ted, after Robin brings along a new foreign boyfriend

"We're Ted's best friends. Our job is to hate that guy."
        - Marshall, to Lily, about Gael

"He's the cadillac of rebound guys."
        - Ted, about Gael

"Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dirth of compatability with your paramore and conclude your association."
"My journey was transformative and I reassert my committment to both the afformentioned paramore & the philosophies he aspouses."
"What are we talking about? Baseball?"
        - Barney and Robin, having a conversation over Gael's head

"Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year."
        - Barney

"I wouldnít let you take care of the magical kids I make up to score with single moms."
        - Barney to Amy

"Is the aggregate age of both contestants under 83?"
"Yes."
"Is the aggregate weight of both contestants under 400 pounds?"
"Yes."
"Theodore Mosby... are you paying these women?"
"What? No!"
"Ted."
        - Barney and Ted, laying down the rules for winning the 'threesome belt'

"Guys just want to get on the green. They don't mind going through the rough."
        - Barney, on women with unshaved legs

"Why are you even a country?"
        - Barney, to Canadian Robin

"I think it's nail the receptionist time."
"Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor, or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist."
        - Robin and Barney, urging Ted to date Abby (Britney Spears)

"Ohmigod, this is worse than the laser..."
        - Ted, being unexpectedly turned down by Stella

"Evil twin! I'm sorry but I did sleep with that girl twice. As Barney *and* Larney."
        - Barney, on the lies he's used to bed women

"If she kills me I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River."
        - Barney, about to confront an ex

"Robin, guess who nailed the Metro 1 News chick last night? High five!"
        - Barney

"Ted, no! Youíre violating the Date-Time Continuum. You never make plans with a girl further in the future than the amount of time youíve been going out. Youíve been dating this girl for what, two weeks? No, youíre not taking her to a Springsteen concert in January."
        - Barney

[Season 4]
"You know who is confused? Bimbos. Theyíre easily confused. Itís one of the thousand little things I love about them. I love their vacant, trusting stares; their sluggish, unencumbered minds; their unresolved daddy issues. I love them Lily, and they love me. Bimbos have always been there for me, through thick and thin - mostly thin... I choose bimbos. Bimbos make me happy. Bimbos make me feel alive. Bimbos make me want to pretend to be a better man. At the end of the day, my heart belongs to bimbos."
        - Barney's ode to Bimbos, after a setback with Robin

"Everyone's got an underpants radius. For most of us it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom. But as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger..."
        - Ted, after a depressed Marshall takes to the streets without pants

"It gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning..."
        - Marshall, settling for a bank job

"Oh my god... I just want you inside of me."
"This feels so good, I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant."
"If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies."
        - Robin, Barney and Marshall, eating the best burger in New York

"In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane, but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him tonight."
"What? I..."
"Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race."
        - Barney (in makeup as an 83-year-old) and Cindy

"Bachelor party, tonight, I have got three of the most physically and morally flexible exotic dancers you have ever seen!"
"No time."
"Okay, I'll tell you how it went."

        - Barney and Ted

"I'm kinda here with someone."
"Bring her."

        - Barney, trying to turn down Stella's desperate sister

"Seriously kids, never invite an ex to your wedding."
        - Ted, picking up some wisdom

>> More quotes from the series at Wikiquote

# SCRUBS

"I don't really have one ready, but I suppose I could riff a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let's see: low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, high definition TV, the Bush daughters, wireless
hot spots, 'The O. C.,' the U.N., recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans; the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff the Wiggle that sleeps a lot, the Yankees payroll, the red states, the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, and everything that exists, past, present and future in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh, and Hugh Jackman."
        - Dr Cox, to JD, "Scrubs"

"I dole out compliments at the most once a year, and like a squirrel you must gather up these acorns to sustain yourself for the upcoming cold, sarcastic winter."
        - Dr. Cox to J.D., Eliot and Carla

"I started an 'I Hate Cox' chatroom. It hasn't worked out the way I planned. It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians."
        - Elliott to Dr. Cox on "Scrubs"

"Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives and just put it on TV."
        - JD, watching medical drama "Grey's Anatomy" on "Scrubs"

"How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own dream?"
        - JD, "Scrubs"

"Don't you know that you're nothing but a pair of scrubs to me?"
        - Dr Kelso to JD

"Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies."
"Debbie's actually my name!"
"Then out of fairness to the others, you will be Slagathor. Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office, if you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian."
        - Dr Kelso welcomes a new batch of interns, "Scrubs"

"Will I speak more slowly or fetch a nurse who knows fluent moron?"
        - Dr Cox to JD

"I gotta get out of here... anger like this has a way of getting passed on."
        - JD, fleeing the scene

"What are you saying? You want to be like me? I barely want to be like me."
       - Dr Cox to JD

"What are you thinking about?"
"This."
        - Elliot and JD get it together

"Let's have the talk."
"Yeah, let's do that."
"You my boyfriend?"
"Yep."
"You my girlfriend?"
"Yep."
        - Elliot and JD have the talk

"Baby, I am so sorry. I made an incredibly insensitive statement about an ugly person."
"I'm taking one of those quiet moments where I weigh your good qualities against your bad ones and decide if you're actually worth the trouble... You made it. That was close."
        - Turk and Carla

"You've erased all the mistakes I've made in my life; every one of them lead me to you."
        - Carla, professing her love for Turk

"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever -- gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, 'cause I do...believe in it. Bottom line...is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don't let it take 'em down."
        - Dr Cox

"Morning, class. As residency director, it is my pleasure to have both Surgical and Medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room we have enough brain power to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws."
        - Dr Cox, in teaching mode

"Omigod! My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!"
        - Turk is outsmarted by Marco

"What movie are we watching?"
"It's Basic Instinct, Granma."
        - JD's most uncomfortable momenet

"Parents have a way of making their children regress."
        - JD

"Dude, be whiter."
        - Turk to JD

"It's beautiful, but my parents will kill me if I marry a black guy."
        - JD to Turk, when he see's Turk's engagement ring for Carla

"I missed the annual sleepover, didn't I?"
        - Dr. Cox to Elliot and JD

"Does this shade of red make me look like a clown?"
"No, it makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns."
       - Elliot makes the mistake of asking Dr. Cox for advice about lipstick

"I know you and I have never really connected - maybe that's because you're relentlessly annoying, or maybe it's my fault because I can't tolerate relentlessly annoying people - I don't know."
        - Dr. Cox and Elliot

"You see that nurse over there? I love her. Every night at 10:30 for the last year I've watched her come in here and get a cup of coffee and not once have I had the courage to ask her her name."
        - JD

"That was a compliment, why won't any women talk to me?"
"Because you're slimy and you turn everything in to a double entendre."
"Not true! ...I'd like to double her entendre."
        - Todd & Nurse

"I already have a plan, I'm waiting for my real life to begin."
        - Just About Everyone sings a 'Men at Work' song

"If my heart could write songs, they'd sound like these."
        - JD, returning a Dido(?) album to Elliot

"How did I miss that episode? Oh yeah, I was making love to a woman."
        - Turk doesn't have JD's knowledge of the "Power Rangers"

"Call me if you ever want to get drunk and have sex."
        - Sean, to Elliot, as things come to an end

"As I fondled Kataya, my pillow girlfriend, I thought about how things had changed for all of us lately."
        - JD, in thoughtful mode

"You actually rank the women of this hospital by their appearance?"
"Calm down, Twelve."
        - Elliot and JD

"I'm sorry, but I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people, and you're just too normal."
"I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets, and no matter how much I try, I can't stop constantly narrating my own life... Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure. And I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair."
        - Molly and JD, getting it together

"I think the easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly... Of course, it doesn't help if your friend is a diabolical genius."
        - JD, as Elliot foils his attempt to be with Molly

"Outside this hospital Eliot's a hottie, but in here she's an asexual mess."
        - Turk

"I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it."
        - Dr. Cox, getting one-up on JD

"This moment's so great I'd cheat in that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments."
        - Dr. Cox, going two-up on JD

"He's not my dad, he's my fake dad! Which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in 10th grade would have been beautiful."
        - Murray Marks (Matthew Perry)

"I have to act like that, it's my job. Like the way you act all nerdy in front of your patients to seem more accessible."
        - Neena, hard nosed lawyer, to JD

As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple?
       - JD

I think I'll try to ask Turk something telepathically. "Hey, man, you wanna do something tonight?"
"Dude, yeah. Let's hang out and watch some TV. We got any beer?"
        - JD's Thoughts and Turk

"He was brought in by some brother from Ireland."
"Do you mean an Irish brother or an Irish...bruthah?"
"I mean his sibling."
        - Carla and Turk

"You must be the Irish brother?"
"No, sir. Ron Pearson, Ohio born and bred. Yep, red-stater and proud of it... Only takin' the piss out of you, lads. Name's Billy Calahan. Had you goin' with the American accent, though, didn't I?"
       - JD and Billy (Colin Farrell)

"Lads! You have to get out in the streets, you have to talk to a stranger. Drink a beer with breakfast! Take the ugliest girl home at the party! You never know what life would put in your lap when you open your arms and embrace it!"
        - Billy, encouraging JD and Turk to live life to the full

"He said my eyes look like the Irish countryside after a soft rain. Ahem. I should go."
        - Elliot, after JD catches her with Billy

"For four years I've had to listen to Elliot complain about her problems. 'My parents are too rich'. 'I slept with JD again'. 'Why can't I gain any weight?' I have problems of my own! I'm from the block!"
        - Carla

Things were amazing with Kylie. But before I could get more emotionally invested, I needed answers to some questions that were very important to me... "Section Two ó Fat, tubby T.V. husbands and the crazy-hot women that would never actually be married to them."
        - JD

"Are you just gonna roll over like that? Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate? You've gone soft."
"Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Man Not Caring."
        - Carla and Dr. Cox

"You appear to be a man that is utterly without talent. Unless, of course, you wanna count the fact that you are the twentieth-best basketball player in a predominately white hospital?"
        - Dr. Cox, to Turk

"Why is there an intern in my bathroom? It's not my birthday."
        - Jordan

"I looked in her eyes and realised how rare it is to find someone willing to have sex with me."
        - JD can't bring himself to break up with Danni

"Do you even enjoy spending time with me?"
"Enjoy is such a strong word... I'm used to it. Like canteen food, or the constant threat of terrorism."
        - Danni and JD, back together again

Danni: "Sorry. Sometimes I have an inner monologue running through my head."
JD's inner monologue: "Inner monologue? Weirdo!"

# WONDERFALLS

"I surrender to destiny."
        - Jaye, "Wax Lion"

"You're spiteful in a way the definition of spiteful doesn't quite prepare you for... disappointing your family is like an extreme sport for you."
        - Mahandra, to Jaye, "Wax Lion"

"They all work really hard everyday and they're dissatisfied. I mean, I can be dissatisfied without hardly working at all."
        - Jaye, describing her family, "Wax Lion"

"That sound you hear is stunned silence."
       - Sharon, "Wax Lion"

"What happened to you?"
"I was accosted by a middle-aged, Texan hausfrau during an act of kindness."
"Why were you performing an act of kindness?"
"Just wanted to see what it was like."
        - Jaye explains her black eye to Mahandra, "Wax Lion"

"You know, I've been thinking. I'm almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. What do ya say?"
"That's sweet of you to offer, but I may be clinically insane. You might want to hold out for someone a little more stable."
"I don't think that would be as interesting."
        - Eric and Jaye, at the bar, "Wax Lion"

"So why struggle with fate? Life can be sort of peaceful when you stop struggling."
"It's a lot like drowning that way."
        - Eric and Jaye, "Wax Lion"

"What are your feelings on beer?"
        - Jaye bonds with Bianca, "Karma Chameleon"

"You should come out with us. I thought we could take her clubbing."
"Baby seals?"
        - Jaye and Mahandra, about Bianca, "Karma Chameleon"

"She's like a Jaye Tyler cover band... she's a better you than you are."
        - Mahandra, watching Bianca flirt with Eric, "Karma Chameleon"

"Your home is a *trailer*. Don't you see the beautiful poetry in that? It's a thing that's been designed to *go* someplace, and yet the hitch isn't hooked *up* to anything. So it just *sits* here, never living up to it's potential. But never in any danger of breaking down either."
        - Bianca analyses Jaye, "Karma Chameleon"

"Daughter Jaye lives in Niagara Falls, her blurb, and life are a work in progress."
        - Jaye settles on a blurb, "Karma Chameleon"

"Maybe she's just a lazy whore. That happens, right? They can't all have hearts of gold and good work ethics."
        - Jaye, getting the wrong end of the stick, "Wound Up Penguin"

"This isn't a criticism but how did you run someone down from the passenger seat?"
       - Mrs Tyler, to Jaye, "Pink Flamingos"

"Your sister's not capable of cold-blooded murder. She's never been a planner."
        - Mrs Tyler, to Sharon, "Pink Flamingos"

"I think she's a closet environmentalist."
        - Jaye, covering for Sharon, "Pink Flamingos"

"Say, did you know our basic cable comes with lesbian porn?"
        - Mr Tyler, almost stumbling on the truth "Pink Flamingos"

"I'm sort of a Christmas and Easter Jew."
        - Gretchen, "Pink Flamingos"

"It'll be like a beer commercial."
        - Jaye, persuading Mahandra to go their 'early reunion', "Pink Flamingos"

"I guess you knew everybody in high school since you love it so much."
"Actually I didn't know anyone. But I knew their names and how many letters were in their names. It's a borderline autistic thing."
"How many letters in... Super cali fragilistic expiali docious?"
"Thirty-four. But people ask me that all the time."
        - Jaye and Eric,  "Pink Flamingos"

"You wear your hillbilly trailer park lifestyle around your neck like a ring of garlic. Are you trying to ward us off?"
        - Aaron to Jaye, "Crime Dog"

"I thought Canadians were supposed to be clean?"
"Just don't make eye contact."
        - Aaron and Jaye, across the border, "Crime Dog"

"You were all back-lit and evil-smoking like that guy on the X-Files."
       - Jaye, to Sharon, "Crime Dog"

"You owe me forty-five hundred dollars."
"American or Canadian?"
        - Mr Tyler and Jaye, "Crime Dog"

"I'm sorry I made you compromise your principles."
"The first principle is always take care of your family."
        - Jaye and Mr Tyler, "Crime Dog"

"Where is your hometown pride? You really are like a Hobbit that hates The Shire."
        - Mahandra to Jaye, "Barrel Bear"

"How long have you been using the Republican party as a lesbian dating service?"
        - Jaye to Sharon, "Barrel Bear"

"Wow. That's impressive. You made ruining that poor woman's life actually sound kinda noble."
        - Eric, to Millie, "Barrel Bear"

"Millie Marcus taught me that what's most important in life is to be yourself. Even if you have to be somebody else to do it."
        - Eric, to Jaye, "Barrel Bear"

"I don't save babies."
"...the baby looks like a human shield in your hands."
        - Jaye and Mahandra, as Jaye unwittingly saves the day, "Muffin Buffalo"

"You have the wrong idea about you."
        - Eric, to Jaye, "Muffin Buffalo"

"I'll get it... you stay here and continue the mating ritual."
        - Mahandra leaves Jaye to watch over Eric, "Lovesick Ass"

"Girl needs a boy."
        - The episode's message to Jaye, "Lovesick Ass"

"I don't have defenses."
"No, you have offenses."
        - Jaye and Eric, "Lovesick Ass"

"You know, even if you got rid of me, you'd still be left with the biggest obstacle to Jaye's heart."
"What's that?"
"Jaye."
        - Eric and Peter, "Lovesick Ass"

"I'm quite possibly certifiable. Why would you want to get involved with anything so potentially messy and complicated as, well, me?"
"Because you make me happy."
        - Jaye and Eric, "Lovesick Ass"

"You don't just kill love. You stalk it, you toy with it -- then you kill it. You are the huntress, and love is your prey."
        - Mahandra to Jaye, "Safety Canary"

"I'm lucky he's smart, sensitive and confrontational."
        - Jaye is impressed with Eric, "Safety Canary"

"I challange you to a kiss."
        - Aaron to Mahandra, "Safety Canary"

"I've never seen anyone work so hard to get someone else to mate in my entire life."
        - Jaye, to Penelope the 'birdwoman', "Safety Canary"

"Faking amnesia? How 'Days Of Our Lives' can you get?"
        - Jaye, to Heidi, "Lying Pig"

"I cheated once, but you've been involved with a married man for months!"
"The bellman, lady, on your honeymoon! Between us, you win the skanky ho contest."
        - Heidi and Jaye, "Lying Pig"

"Sometimes the person you're not supposed to be with is the person you're supposed to be with."
        - Mahandra, to Jaye, "Lying Pig"

"If I was Heidi, I wouldn't try to poison Eric, I'd try to poison you."
        - Mahandra, to Jaye, "Cocktail Bunny"

"Now you better tell me. Tell me why you talk to me."
"Because you listen."
        - Jaye and the Brass Monkey, "Cocktail Bunny"

"I have an apology and an explanation. Which do you want first?"
        - Jaye to Eric, "Cocktail Bunny"

"I couldn't stand the thought of spending another day looking at those faces with their stupid little mouths constantly running and making all sorts of unreasonable demands on me."
"Are you sure you should be in a customer service industry?"
        - Jaye and Mahandra, "Totem Mole"

"Thank you for supporting this imperialist establishment. Enjoy your purchase and have a racist day."
        - Bill, in 'Wonderfalls', "Totem Mole"

"Try harder! Behind this door is one very angry, very dehydrated and very litigious woman."
        - Sharon, coming to the Deanna's rescue, "Totem Mole"

"Sure, it can be nice on occasion. In a triumph of the human spirit sort of way but most of the time itís like the universe doing this: 'Why are you hitting yourself, Jaye? Why are you hitting yourself?'"
        - Jaye, describing her 'burden' to Billl, "Totem Mole"

"We need an accountant to ride through the land of imperialist plenty and bring back a casino..."
        - Bill finds out his special purpose from Deanna Littlefoot, "Totem Mole"

"You know, I'm not sure if my burden's a burden or not. I mean, other people seem to want it. And that should always make you pause before giving something up."
        - Jaye, "Totem Mole"

"I just want you to be my date, in whatever capacity you're comfortable with."
"No one's gonna be comfortable with me being your date in any capacity."
        - Aaron and Mahandra, "Caged Bird"

"If you kill your pet bird it can't sign for you anymore."
        - Jaye, to 'Destiny', "Caged Bird"

"Word of adviceó"
"Shut up."
        - The Wax Lion and Jaye, last scene of "Caged Bird"

>> More Wonderfalls quotes at "Shades Of Grey"

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