TELEVISION QUOTES: TEEN SHOWS

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TEEN SHOWS

"It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else."
        - Daria, finding herself in a class for students with low self esteem, "Daria"

"While we continue our discussion about cults. Can anyone give me a modern day example of a cult using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to control over its members? Brittany!"
"Cheerleading?"
        - Mr. DeMartino & Brittany, "Daria"

"If people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?"
"Then how do they stay so thin?"
        - Stacy and Tiffany, "Daria"

"Daria, you can't leave me here with those ó those yuppies!"
"Yuppies are from the eighties."
"So what do you call people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?"
"Trekkies."
        - Quinn and Daria, "Daria"

"What does 'woe' mean?"
"It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow."
        - Jeffy and Daria, "Daria"

"You don't want me, you need a guy who's happy and perky all of the time, someone who's had part of their brain taken out and thinks he's a rabbit all the time and you two can go off and play bunnies together."
        - "Shallow Boy" Eric rejects a perky, happy girl in "Boy Meets World"

"I don't know what Uncle David could've possibly meant by life experience. I'm 18 years old. I've been to sleep-away camps... I even got on the wrong bus once. I had a goldfish who died."
"Suicide, was it?"
        - Coreena and Eric, "Boy Meets World"

"I once dated a guy all summer because he had air-conditioning."
        - Lauren, "What I Like About You"

"I feel so nervous. You guys have any tips?"
"Try to look thinner."
        - Courtney & Hunter, "Grosse Pointe"

"You deserve someone better than him. If he doesn't even see what a cool person you are. I mean, no one else would give me money for my car, right? But you're like, totally, like generous, you know? And nice."
"You know, I tell myself that all the time. But it just sounds so much better when someone else is saying it."
       - Dave & Marcy, "Grosse Pointe"

"Michael, the beautiful cannot be held responsible for the havoc our looks create."
        - Jackie comforts Kelso, "That '70s Show."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister."
        - Eric to Hyde, "That '70s Show."

"You better watch your back."
"Really? Well you better stop spending so much time on yours."
        - Laurie and Jackie, "That 70s Show"

"Dating is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you pay for."
        - Hyde, "That 70s Show"

"Disco is from hell, okay? And not the cool part of hell with all the murderers, but the lame ass part where the really bad accountants live."
        - Hyde, "That 70s Show"

"Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other."
        - Red Forman, "That 70s Show"

"Will this day ever end?"
"Yesterday did, but today is Friday, so no."
        - Donna and Eric, stuck in class, "That 70s Show"

"This lovely tile walkway lead directly to the pool which is filled with some of the local kids. Heavily Caucasian. It's a nice neighborhood!"
        - Jackie's Mom, showing off her house just when the kids throw a party, "That 70s Show"

"Dude, you are the shock and awe of cute."
        - Judith to Adam, "Joan of Arcadia."

"Why are guys so mind-numbingly numb-minded about girls?"
        - Joan, "Joan of Arcadia"

"Sometimes you have to see what you're not to see what you are."
        - Some advice for Joan in "Joan of Arcadia"

"Lots of people believe in God who are not crazy. Isaac Newton, Bono, pretty much anyone who wins an award."
        - Joan to her therapist, "Joan of Arcadia."

"Evil is charming and beautiful. It makes you doubt yourself. It asks for one small compromise after another until it whittles you down, and, it functions best when no one believes in it."
        - from "Joan of Arcadia"

"Annoy, tiny blonde one, annoy like the wind."
        - Logan to Veronica, "Veronica Mars"

"I was reading 'The 3rd Wheel: A Beginner's Guide.' We should come up with, like some kind of code word for when you guys are feeling frisky."
        - Logan to Veronica and Duncan on "Veronica Mars"

"I don't want to see you... You're not my girlfriend. You're my girl-enemy."
        - Eric, breaking up with Lizzie, "Undeclared"

"I have successfully avoided fighting my entire life... I don't intend to start now."
        - Stephen, choosing flight over fight, "Undeclared"

"It kinda hurts but it's like but it's not as bad as I thought."
        - Stephen, after Lloyd trains him in taking a punch to the face, "Undeclared"

"Nobody was perfect in high school. So you were a geek. Everybody was something."
        - Lizzie, to Stephen, hoping for a fresh start in college, "Undeclared"

"She's just so sweet it's practically pity..."
        - Greg, to Eric, after he thinks he's got a birthday hookup with Lizzie, "Undeclared"

"A fat girl turned into a hot chick for me. It's like a Reese Witherspoon movie."
        - Cappie to Rusty, "Greek"

"The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader, you've seen Star Wars forty-seven times. You do the math."
        - Neal, "Freaks and Geeks"

"So, is this what having a girlfriend is gonna be like? She's your best friend, she's beautiful, and you can say and do anything in front of her?"
        - Sam, "Freaks and Geeks"

"Dad, give me one good reason why there can't be a woman president."
"It's called three irrational days per month. Now, I would have no issue with the other twenty-seven, but we're talking about the atomic bomb here."
        - Lindsay and Harold, "Freaks and Geeks"

"The thing about dads is that they think they have to have all the right answers. Like if they've any flaws at all we won't love them."
        - Shye, one of the "Beach Girls"

"I have internet access and a pregnant sister. I know where babies come from."
        - Ashley to her dad on "The Secret Life of the American Teenager"

"It would just take some of the pressure off if it was him. I already know heís not The One, so losing it to him would just be like getting it out of the way."
"Every girlís dream."
"Are you a girl?"
"Compared to you? Possibly. Iím not saying it has to be all candles and Coldplay or whatever, but I definitely want my first time to be special."
        - Amy and Ephram, discussing a landmark event, "Everwood"

"You know, I think this is our first real date?"
"It's exactly how you imagined it, right?"
        - Greta and Johnny, at a drag queen show, "Hidden Palms"

"I really don't want to think that my girlfriend's dad killed her last boyfriend..."
        - Johnny to Liza, "Hidden Palms"

"'Deep as first love and wild with all regret. O Death in Life, the days that are no more'."
"Tennyson."
"You know it?"
"I was in a pretty dark place for a while. I know all the death quotes."
        - Greta and Johnny, reading a suicide note, "Hidden Palms"

On the other side of adolescence, the lure of teen dramas is strong. Now watching programs like Gossip Girl, the experience is escapist coloured with a good tinge of sentimental regret, mainly due to the fact that I know I'll never be that thin, that self-absorbed or have that much free time to wallow in again... As adults we enjoy teen dramas as a harking back to those teenage years, which at the time I thought would never be over, but looking back, flew by all too seen. Memories of adolescence remain clear for most adults, because being a teenager can be a traumatic time. Everything is felt so keenly, it's no wonder we look back on that time for years later. These dramas are a nostalgic reverie, a comforting cushion to the realities of adult life.
        - Edel Coffey, a twentysomething looking back, "The Evening Herald"

TWEEN SHOWS

"Don't you think Drake's adorable?"
"I think of him more as a target."
        - the "Camp Fire" girls discuss their crushes, "Drake and Josh"

"Looks like the two most hideous shirts in the world got married and you're wearing their baby."
        - Drake is not impressed by Josh's new shirt, "Drake and Josh"

"Are you saying you like me or not!"
"I'm saying I like you."
"Well then I'm saying I like you!"
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Then I guess we're boyfriend and girlfriend."
"One condition."
"What?"
"I get to be the boyfriend."
        - Josh and Mindy, realising their true feelings\complexes, "Drake and Josh"

"Don't flatter yourself. She's the lead suspect even without your big mouth."
"The only thing that woman is guilty of is loving him ó and that's definitly a crime."
        - Jack and Lexie, investigating the disappearance of their teacher, "Get A Clue"

"He was not a detective. A New York detective could never afford a platinum watch and a Ponami suit... I can spot a knockoff from a mile away and trust me, that was the real thing."
"Wow. Who knew your obsession with material objects would actually come in handy?"
        - Lexie and Jack, with an eye for detail, "Get A Clue"

"Are you crying because what I said was sweet or because you're afraid we're going to die?"
        - Sam, thrown together with Angela in a moment of danger, "Complete Savages"

"I'm here if you need me... but please don't need me."
        - Ned, as Moze risks social embarrassment, "Ned's Declassified Survival Guide"

"Suzie Crabgrass scored 100% on my best friend quiz!"
        - Moze's subtle quest to find a friend backfires, "Ned's Declassified Survival Guide"

"That's great, I find the one thing I'm good at and it's the stupidest thing in the world. What next, Riverdancing?"
        - Lizzie discovers she's a world class ribbon twirler, "The Lizzie McGuire Show"

"Dad, you and Mam did a whole host of things before we were born that we don't have to know about."
        - Ren, cutting short an embarrassing story, "Even Stevens"

"A single guy like you? Won't you be missing something important on friday night?"
"Oh yeah, but I can tape it."
        - Kevin and Paul, "Two of a Kind"

"So is this like a date for Ashley?"
"No, probably more like a reality slap."
        - Kevin and Mary Kate, "Two of a Kind"

"Shallow's such an ugly word, I prefer to think of myself as selectively deep."
        - Paul, "Two of a Kind"

"Why's he called a rebel? Gonna through some kind of phase. 'Cos he's just down in leather and I'm dressed up in lace. Mama said he's the guy to break your heart and make you cry."
        - Sam sings from "Mama Said" on "California Dreams"

"My head can tell me anything and I would believe it. Oh, heart don't lie; I need to know what's true tonight."
        - Tiffani sings from "Heart Don't Lie" on "California Dreams"

"Everyone needs someone to hold onto. Everyone needs someone in this world. When you need strength I'll be a rock for you. When you need sweet and soft I'll be your little girl."
        - Tiffani sings from "Someone to Hold Onto" on "California Dreams"

"You can't paper over the cracks of a broken heart and pretend it´s not there.
You gotta let the storm break baby, you gotta let the rain fall all around.
And then the tears run dry, maybe when you can try to start all over again."
        - Jenny sings from "Castles on Quicksand" on "California Dreams"

"How do I let you know I just wanna give my love to you?"
        - Phoebe Cates, "How Do I Let You Know" from "Private School"

SMALLVILLE

"At least you were brave enough to take the risk."
"Oh yeah, that's me ó Cupid's cannon fodder."
        - Lana & Chloe

"Clark would have to be on drugs to be on drugs."
        - Chloe to Lana

"In case you require translation that was her hitting on you."
"She is kinda hot."
"But aren't you married to Lana in your imagination?"
        - Pete & Clark

"Ian was out with me last night."
"Making me 0 for 2 in the Chloe versus Lana sweepstakes."
        - Lana & Chloe

"You donít have any real feelings for me, do you, Clark? Every time we hang out, itís just to get answers. 'Chloe, why donít you research this?' or 'Chloe, why donít you look up that?' Iím nothing more to you than your own personal search engine and Iím sick of it. I want you, Clark."
        - Chloe, on a rush

"I want to let you in on a secret, Clark. Iím not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin Iím surprised you havenít seen right through me. Iím the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend."
        - Chloe

"It's crazy."
"You passed crazy about four random clues ago."
        - Clark and Chloe

"How tasteless is this? I think they even used real meteor rock."
"The American version of closure. You can only get over your grief when you figure out how to merchandise your tragedy."
        - Lana and Chloe

"Personally, I think society places too much emphasis on looks. Should be the character of a man that counts. Don't you agree, Mr. Edge?"
        - Lex gets reacquainted with Morgan Edge

"I don't appreciate some farm boy coming in here and accusing me of a felony."
"Don't underestimate farm boys. Bailing all that hay can make you pretty strong."
        - Clark deals with a security guard

"So, how'd you do it, Clark? I mean, I know you can take care of yourself, but there were three of them?"
"They were drunk. And I was highly motivated. I mean, the thought of someone hurting you..."
        - Lana and Clark

"I always thought you were being paranoid... being around you is too dangerous. But it's true. It's OK, Clark. I know. You're really looking out for me. But you're right... I think I have to stay away from you."
        - Lana, to Clark

"Jeez, kid. You seem to know a lot of people in here."
        - An Orderly guides Clark through the Belle Reve asylum

"You're not the same person you used to be."
"Kind of like if I moved to Metropolis and became a motorcycle-riding party animal and told you to get out of my life. Kind of like that, right?"
        - Clark loses the conversation to Chloe

"I'm starting to get a complex. It seems all the women I find even remotely appealing turn out to be psychopaths."
       - Lex, after lightning strikes once too often

"What is it about you, Lana?  What is it that Clark Kent is so in love with? I mean, what have you got that I haven't got? What's your secret? You're not prettier than I am. And you're definitely not smarter. And you certainly don't have my abilities."
        - Alicia (freak) facing off against Lana (freak magnet) for Clark's affections

"Clearly I have underestimated your dark side."
        - Lionel Luthor to Clark

"You could be the world's greatest hero or its most mild-mannered citizen."
        - Jonathan to Clark

"I guess you're the last man standing in the nuclear family zone."
        - Pete to Clark

"Give me a nerd in glasses any day."
        - Lois, explaining her taste in men to Martha

"Take a look at the stars, Clark. Some of them have been extinguished for thousands of years, but their light is only reaching us now. The past is always influencing the present. I canít change that. All I can do is try to understand it."
        - Lex, "Smallville"

"You shouldn't wound what you can't kill Dad."
        - Lex, back from the dead, to Lionel

"Never underestimate the value of eccentrics and lunatics, Lex. Every Arthur needs his Merlin."
        - Lionel, "Smallville"

"What was that? Chloe always told me this town was weird. I don't know how you ever survived without me."
        - Lois to Clark, after she meets her first Smallville 'freak-of-the-week'

"She's bossy, she's stuck-up, she's rude... I can't stand her."
"The best ones always start that way."
        - Clark and Lana, discussing Lois

"You know, it's becoming clear to me why you're so secretive. You understand that true power is better left concealed."
        - Lionel as Clark to Clark as Lionel

"Another convenient case of amnesia, huh? It's a really valiant effort, but you've used up your lifetime allotment of apologies."
        - Chloe to Clark

"You can thank Uncle Sam for that. My Uncle Sam. It's amazing the access a three-star general has to cool toys. And you never know when a jamming device for stealth fighters will come in handy at a football game."
        - Chloe to Clark

"I've been kind of preoccupied. Science project."
"From what century?"
"It's a whole retro thing. I'm trying to recreate some of the stuff they did back in the 1600s."
        - Lana and Chloe, as Lana cooks up a spell

"Lex. I was going to come see you."
"Preemptive strike. Just in case there was any 'Evil Dead' action still brewing."
        - Lana and Lex, after the dust settles

"Corporate maneuvering doesnít interest me anymore."
"So, what, now trying to kill me is gonna be a full time job?"
        - Lionel and Lex

"Youíre the only person whoís ever really known me. And when Iím with you, I feel normal. Iíll always love you for that."
        - Alicia, to Clark

"Alicia, whyíd you do that? You know I couldíve caught that bullet."
"Because I promised you that Iíd always protect your secret."
        - Clark and Alicia

"Thereís a part of me that never feels freer than when Iím with Alicia. She makes me feel normal and special at the same time."
        - Clark

"First he married the girl, *now* heís dating her?"
        - Lois, as Clark takes Alicia on a date

'Can Any Cell Hold Her?' "Probably not."
        - Alicia, checking herself out on Chloe's "Wall of Weird"

"Itís kind of hard to take college application essays seriously after the last couple of days, isnít it?"
"I was just trying to figure out if hidden temples and body-snatching witches fits under 'community service' or 'extra-curriculars'."
        - Lana and Clark

"Luthor Corp experiments never end well."
        - Chloe, knowing where things are headed

"Lex can be devious enough as it is, there's no telling what his evil twin is capable of..."
        - Chloe

"I'm starting to hate the sound of my own voice."
        - Alexander, to Lex

"I gotta hand it to you guys. I mean, keeping something like this a secret mustíve required an impressive ability to obscure the truth. Maybe the Kents and the Luthors have something in common after all."
        - Alexander, to Martha and Jonathan Kent

"You know, Clark, in a couple of weeks, weíre gonna graduate from this adolescent fantasy."
        - Chloe to Clark

"Your parents filled me in. Apparently some girl named Dawn was possessing me... thatís the last time I'll let her do my hair."
        - Lois to Clark, figuring out how she got to prom

"You had a clean slate to start all over with, and you made all the same choicesÖ except for one."
"Whatíd I do?"
"You trusted me."
        - Chloe and Clark

"There were other treasure seekers in China, Genevieve."
"A farm boy, an ex-cheerleader, and Lex Luthor. Who do you think ended up with the prize?"
        - Lionel and Genevieve

"I wonder who's more freaked out right now: me, knowing I'm in a hospital where they get their medicine via dogsled, or you, finally finding out I know your secret? I've always had my suspicions. The quick exits, the miraculous recoveries, the lame excuses..."
        - Chloe to Clark

"I want you to know, I'll never be the iceberg to your Titanic, and your secret will never ever leave my lips. No matter what."
        - Chloe

"Their home is their only poison."
        - Lionel, about the Kryptonians

"You guys put a roof over my head. Least I could do was help out when it came crashing down."
        - Lois, to the Kents

"Destiny's just another word for not having a choice."
        - Clark

"You're a legend back in Belle Reve. Hell, half of the freaks are in there 'cause of you."
        - Lee to Clark

"I've been busy, Lex."
"Right, I heard being a third wheel is very time consuming."
"...Stop asking me questions or I will start asking my own."
        - Chloe and Lex

"Is that a flash grenade?"
"Careful! That was a graduation present from Lois. I'm saving it for a special ocassion."
        - Clark, seeing a different side to Chloe

"Satisfied?"
        - Clark, saying goodbye to Lex after he draws blood

"Come on Clark, there are no such things as vampires."
        - Professor Milton Fine (James Marsters aka Spike)

"I'll be at the library, researching ways to kill my roommate."
        - Chloe, "Smallville"

"You'll spend a fortune checking and rechecking, convinced what you believe must be true."
"And what is it I believe, Professor?"
"That everyone is hiding secrets as dark as your's."
        - Professor Fine and Lex

"Lex Luthor's story is that he's a white knight who's just put a small Kansas town on the map. Beware of white knights, people. They don't slay dragons. They train them for their own dark purpose. Think of Hitler, Stalin, Napoleon."
        - Milton Professor Fine

"I'm not supposed to have any faults. Who can live up to that? You know why there's no heroes today... It's because at the end of the day, people don't respect them ó they envy them. And they're just waiting for them to screw up."
        - Senator Jack Jennings

"Look, I'm not great at this, so just keep your mouth shut and listen up. Even though I was kicking butt on the helicopter, it was really nice to have backup. And you didn't have to come after me, but you always do. So I wanted to say thank you."
        - Lois to Clark

"Lex told me his secret and it doesn't change how I feel about him."
        - Lana, with an ironic kick in the teeth for Clark

"You feel no pain greater than to see others in agony."
        - Zod, with another kick in the teeth for Clark

"Lex, please, let me help you."
"I've been on the receiving end of your help before, Dad. I think Iíll pass."
        - Lionel and Lex

"Lois and Clark?"
"You got to admit, they got chemistry."
"Yeah, so do nitroglycerin and peroxide, and I don't suggest putting them together."
        - Chloe and Jimmy

"Why am I in a morgue?!?"
        - Chloe, after a miraculous recovery

"What is it about 'Smallville' that brings out the teenage girl and the lecherous old man in me?"
        - Will, watching 'Smallville' on "Will & Grace"

The lambent, extraordinary beauty of Kristin Kreuk is actually starting to hurt my eyes.
        - Lucy Mangan, watching Smallville for "The Guardian"

The difference between "Buffy" and "Smallville" all season has been, in the former, you say, "Where did *that* come from?" and in the latter you say, "Wow, I didn't see that coming."
"Smallville" is mining the same sense of "teen alienation" that BtVS once did, but from a different angle. Buffy was saddled with the knowledge that she had to save the world, and cope with that, not always well. Clark's the exact opposite: He believes he's saddled with the knowledge that he will conquer the world, and he's not coping with it particularly well at all.
        - Peter David, from his TV Round-up

I am somewhat torqued over the demise of Clark's teleporting girlfriend. She threw herself into harm's way to save Clark, and I thought, Man, how cliched that they're killing her off just when she's getting interesting. And lo and behold, they DIDN'T kill her off and I thought, Marvelous! Brilliant! They avoided the cliche! Better yet, they stood it on its ear. Well done. And then she's dead the following week. Cliche wins.
        - Peter David

Is anyone else sick of people being conveniently knocked out on Smallville? I swear these people would all have serious brain injuries and broken necks at this point, especially Lana.... It's way too convenient of a plot device to just have people fall unconscious so super-stuff can happen.
        - Kevin Kelly, reviewing Smallville for TV Squad

It is strange, you see. Clark forgave Chloe for her investigations and resulting fallout, but he won't forgive Lex. Maybe it's because she has breasts. I know I'm more willing to forgive someone with breasts. Maybe Clark's truly human after all.
       - Steven Dougherty, reviewing "Covenant" for the "Tuesday Night Movie Club"

Lex, unfortunately, is too busy to see his once and future love (Clark). He's out finding Egyptian statuettes that have some sort of Kryptonian connection. I'm not too sure how I feel about this, since it's been done a million times before. Is it too much to ask that they maybe find *another* ancient culture to harvest for stuff like this? Aliens must love hot, dry, sandy countries, if genre television is any indication.
        - Steven Dougherty, reviewing "Crusade" for the "Tuesday Night Movie Club"

Steven Dougherty has an ultimate nightmare. He fears that he will die before he sees the end of Smallville. If anything, thatís the only thing keeping him alive right now. He must see it die.

MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

"Alison dumped me as soon as I used 'paradox' in a sentence."
        - Malcolm, dumped by a bimbo

"I was saving this for a life or death emergency... or a really great party."
       - a grounded Malcolm plots an escape

"Now kids, Malcolm may not look different from the rest of us, but he is. In his brain."
        - Lionel Herkabe, Krelboyne teacher, introducing Malcolm to the class

"Maybe you should consider trying to reach a compromise?"
"What, do I look French?"
        - Francis, trying to be diplomatic with Otto

"Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?"
"Got any more pictures of your sister?"
        - Francis, in military school

"Did she just say milk comes out of those? My god! Women are the cows of people!"
        - Rhys gets a lesson in basic biology

"You're cute, smart and funny yet somehow you manage to mess that up!"
        - Malcom, trapped in the woods with a girl from hell

"My imaginary friends are right. I am a genius!"
       - Dewey, seeing the light

"It's got to the point where I can't tell if they're kissing or cleaning each other."
        - Malcolm, on Rhys and new girlfriend Beth

Malcom: "How is being rich throwing my life away??"
Lois: "Because, it's not the life you're supposed to have. The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard. And you earn every fellowship and internship they have. You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service, either district attorney or running some foundation, and then you become governor of a mid-sized state and then you become president."
Malcolm: "What??!!"
Lois: "...of the United States."
Malcolm: "Dad?!"
Hal: "I'm sorry, son. It's true."
Francis: "I thought you knew."
        - From the series finale of "Malcolm"

FELICITY

"About that thing... where you said you had feelings for me?"
"Oh... don't worry about me, I'm a sensitive guy. I have feelings for lots of girls."
        - Felicity & Noel

"Just for the record... you've never been weirder."
        - Noel, to Felicity

"I kissed you the other night... you know that - you were there."
        - Noel

<Hello, this is Noel, I'm sitting right next to the phone screening this call>
"I really have to change that."
        - Noel comments on his ansaphone message

"I promise the next time we get attacked by monkeys on an escalator, I will save you."
        - Ben

"Is it harder to count upon, or know that you are the one being counted upon?"
        - Sally

Dear Felicity, Here it goes. I watched you for four years, always wondered what you were like, and what was going on in your mind all that time when you were so quiet, just thinking. Drawing in your notebook. I should've just asked you, but I never asked you. So now, four years later, I don't even know you. But I admire you. Well, that makes me sound crazy, but I'm okay with that. So take care of yourself. Love,
Ben. PS I would've said, "Keep in touch," but unfortunately, we were never in touch.
        - Ben's yearbook message to Felicity

"It just seemed like everyone had an opinion."
        - Felicity, after she dramatically changes her hairstyle

"Maybe we shouldn't have hired someone he didn't like."
"Hope, relax. This is the genius who told Felicity to cut her hair."
        - Hope & Rob, being postmodern on "Grosse Pointe"

OPPOSITE SEX

"I thought for once I could be *the guy*. But my entire life Rob has been the guy that everybody's talking about, that everybody wants to hang out with, that all the girls want to... try heterosexuality with. But I am never going to be that person. Like... why not?"
"Because then you wouldn't be you."
        - Jed and Joely, "The Homosexual Episode"

"You're what me friends and I call a jelly donut... with Rob, what you see is what you get and there's always someone who only wants that. But you, you're going to be with someone who wants more because there's more inside you. You'll find someone who doesn't want things simple and easy."
        - Joely to Jed

"These girls are like car wrecks, you feel like you gotta pull over but I'm telling you just drive on by."
        - Rob, warning Jed to steer clear of girls on the rebound

"Here's the question: we go to school with only girls, and we go to the bathroom in packs... and now we're waiting to be asked to a dance... have we gone way too far over the edge?"
        - Jed, "The Dance Episode"

"I want you and I need you to be my virgin."
        - Miranda to Jed, looking for two virgins to 'sacrifice' at her party, "The Virgin Episode"

"Could you give me a moment? I need a sidebar with my client..."
        - Jed, trying to defend Cary's 'moral virtue' in front of the principal

"Is it weird for me to assume that when we kissed it was the beginning of something else?"
        - Jed to Kate, "The Fantasy Episode"

"Kate's nice and all, if you want that..."
"Not today she's not..."
        - Miranda, giving Jed some other options

"How wrong can we go in one night?"
        - Kate to Jed, not realising how long a night it was

"If you have to be me everyday, you'll try anything to make it easier..."
"So because of me today, was it easier to be you?"
        - Stella and Cary

"Am I ruining this fantasy thing? 'Cos I'd imagine there's less talking in the fantasy version?"
        - Jed, trying to fulfil Miranda's fantasy

"You act like sex is a tool, like that's all guys want from you... Find a guy you really care about and see if sex is what he wants from you, because I'll bet he wants a whole lot more, cause you've got a whole lot more to offer."
        - Beau to Miranda

"It's a dream. My boobs aren't this big, and your thing is... whatever."
        - Jed's babe disillusions him in his dream, "The Pilot Episode"

"I'm the brain... I'm the one who's played Risk every night of my life..."
        - Phil, looking for a Model UN slot, "The Field Trip Episode"

"No wonder you want to go to the Model UN. You probably want to take over the world!"
        - Cary to Stella

"Wait, wait, wait people! This is the UN, this is not supposed to be about peace!"
        - Phil, as peace fever breaks out at the Model UN

"I guess three-of-a-kind beats a pair."
        - Cary (with Stella), surrendering the hotel room to Jed (with Kate and Lisa)

"In the morning you're a pig and I hate you."
"Morning... All bets off... Got it."

        - Stella to a distracted (by her) Cary

BEVERLY HILLS 90210

"I miss Minneapolis."
        - Brenda, from the pilot

"Everyone here looks like they stepped out of a music video. I don't even have the right hair."
        - Brenda, getting used to life in Beverly Hills

"These are the people in your neighborhood, when your neighborhood is Beverly Hills."
        - Brandon Walsh

"Nobody knows me here. I could be anybody. I could be somebody."
        - Brenda

"I'm finding it very overrated... all of this growing up, taking responsibility... becoming an adult."
        - Brandon

"It's an age-old story: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy gets girl if girl gives boy half a chance."
        - Brandon, angling for a date

"No one knows you well enough to hate you."
        - Andrea reassures Brandon

"Who would want to date a girl that takes Latin?"
        - Kelly, on Brandon's choice in girls

"Don't you think we make a great couple?"
"I guess I don't... it's like I know you too well or something."
"What if we were complete strangers?"
"I'd probably be in love with you."
"Can't you fake amnesia or something?"
        - Kelly & Brandon, at the spring dance

"When I got to school they should have given me a score card instead of a class schedule, so I can keep track of everyone's boyfriends... I broke the 11th commandment ó Thou shall not go out with Brenda Walsh's boyfriend."
        - Emily Valentine

"What a senior year. Scorned by our lovers, abandoned by our best friends. It's a regular Elizabethan tragedy around this place."
        - Brandon

"What kind of an insecure wuss chooses a college based on where some guy is going?"
        - Brenda

"I am not taking my sister to the prom... relax, I'm gonna ask Andrea which I guess is somewhat like going with my sister anyway."
        - Brandon to the Walshes, before prom

"He's a jock. He's a guy. He asked."
        - Brenda, explaining to her parents why she's going to the prom with Tony

"One plus one equals three unless you use one of these."
       - Warning message attached to the gift from the Maths Club at prom

"Brandon, wants a little cutie. Brandon, wants a little beauty. Brandon, wants a gal to call his own.
Any size, any style. Any eyes, any smile. Any Jean, any Jane, any Joan.
Oh Brandon, wants a girl who's dreamy,
Brandon, wants a girl who's creamy,
Brnadon, wants a girl to call his own.
Is she blond, is she tall? Is she dark, is she small? Is she any kinda dreamboat at all?
No, Brandon, he's hers and hers alone 'cause Brandon wants to find a girl to call his own."
        - Brenda, Kelly and Donna sing "The Brandon Song" as the gang prepare to graduate

"I'm the student body president, I am not Batman."
        - Brandon

"Well, don't look for a rational explanation, the world just loves Brandon."
        - Donna

"You have two of the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I'd like to see them again."
        - Jesse to Andrea

"Whaddya say? The kid is cute? The kids looks like Yoda?"
        - Steve, terrified by newborn babies

"Somehow magically overnight the words 'Jail Bait' just kind of vanished from my forehead."
        - Clare Arnold

"Brandon, what happened to you?"
"I went on a date with Clare."
        - Kelly and Brandon, as he sports a shiner

"Well I think I invented a new tax loop hole, declare yourself a hostage and deduct the ransom."
        - Jim Walsh

"It's not about the Brenda and Dylan and Kelly Bermuda triangle."
        - Dylan McKay

"I'm either going to be number one in your life or I'm not going to be in your life."
        - Kelly to Dylan

"You want to borrow my girlfriend?"
        - Dylan McKay to Brandon

"I don't waltz, I don't rumba, I don't foxtrot, I don't boogie, I don't dance. I don't even like to be in the same room with people who are dancing."
        - Brandon

"This is not dancing, this is following instructions... you know the last time I really danced was with you, two years ago at the spring dance ó was I that bad?"
"No, you know what I was thinking about? When I made a move on you."
"I thought I made a move on you?"
"No... but did you do one thing good that night. You told me that if we were perfect strangers you would be in love with me."
"I did say that didn't I? Tell me something, do you remember everything everyone's ever said to you?"
"Not everyone."
        - Brandon and Kelly

"For the last few hours I've been thinking how much nicer it is square dancing with you than hiding out with Lucinda."
"If that's a line you know how to pick 'em."
"It's not a line." [they kiss]
        - Brandon and Kelly

"Could you just tell me I'm like a sister again 'cos that would make things a lot easier?"
        - Kelly to Brandon

"I can't play this dating game any longer."
"...Maybe if you just made yourself a little less irresistible next time?"
        - Kelly and Brandon

"What's up with you and Kelly man? People are talking."
"Yeah, well people have empty, squalid lives."
        - Steve and Brandon

"Your double date get a little confusing?"
        - Brenda to Brandon, after the Brandon-Lucinda-Dylan-Kelly dinner

"Dylan, you're like a brother to me, I'm not gonna hit you but if you wanna hit me, hit me."
        - Brandon to Dylan, after Dylan finds out

"You know Brandon, he's totally sold on the myth of romantic love."
"Yeah, he's still waiting for the girl of his dreams to walk through the door and sweep him off his feet."
        - Lucinda and Clare, harrassing Brandon even in his dreams in Washington

"I don't know if I should let myself feel the feelings that I'm starting to feel, think the things I'm starting to think."
        - Kelly, filling Brandon in

"Don't look. Walk with me."
"Bro, I may turn into a pillar of salt ó and if I do, just use me for margaritas ó but I gotta look."
        - Steve and Brandon, glancing at a vision of beauty

"Guys, I'm not even drunk."
        - Brandon, as he 'halluinates' Jim and Cindy

"You look like I feel."
"Well, I'm sorry you feel this bad."
        - Dylan and Brandon

"You were hallucinating Jim and Cindy? Man, the subconscious is a b*itch."
"Yeah? So's Valerie."
        - Dylan and Brandon

"I never kissed more boys in my life than I have on this show."
        - Jennie Garth, on playing Kelly Taylor

"Was being a teen heart-throb all it's cracked up to be?"
"No, absolutely not. For most actors it's a death sentence. The hallways of the Screen Actors Guild are littered with teen idols. If you get tarred with that brush you have to make a conscious effort to try to avoid it. Being stuck with the label 'teen idol' is career suicide."
        - Jason Priestley, interviewed in "The Metro" (2007)

As a teenager, I watched Beverly Hills 90210 with great avidity, hopefully identifying with Jason Priestley's Brandon and scanning for stray clues on how to conduct my life.
        - Troy Patterson, in a tribute to Aaron Spelling in "Slate Magazine"

"He cared about everything from scripts to skirts because he understood that both really mattered."
        - Joan Collins, with a tribute to Dynasty & 90210 creator Aaron Spelling

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