CHESMAYNE

midi: when I fall……. melody: “mcarthur park”

Quotes - Quotations

Quotes: The Chess Examiner - Chess Poster

64 Chess Commandments

A Summary of Hints, Pointers and Precepts from the ABCs of Chess by Bruce Pandolfini

Be aggressive, but play soundly. Don’t take unnecessary chances.

Make sure every move has a purpose.

If you know your opponent’s style, take advantage of it. But, in the final analysis, play the board, not the player.

Don’t ignore your opponent’s moves.

Don’t give needless checks. Check only when it makes sense.

Answer all threats. Try to do so by improving your position and/or posing a counter-threat.

Play for the initiative. If you already have it, maintain it. If you don't have it, seize it.

When exchanging, try to get at least as much as you give up.

Take with the man of least value, unless there is a definite reason for doing otherwise.

Cut your losses. If you must lose material, lose as little as possible.

If you blunder, don’t give up fighting. After getting the advantage, your opponent may relax and let you escape.

Never play a risky move, hoping your opponent will overlook your threat, unless you have a losing position. In that case, you have nothing to lose.

Rely on your own powers. If you can’t see the point of your opponent’s move, assume there isn’t any.

Don’t sacrifice without good reason.

When you can’t determine whether to accept or decline a sacrifice, accept it.

Attack in number. Don’t rely on just one or two pieces.

Look for double attacks.

Play for the center: guard it, occupy it, influence it.

Fight for the center with pawns.

Don’t make careless pawn moves. In the opening, move as few pawns as necessary to complete your development.

If feasible, move both center pawns two squares each.

In the opening, move only center pawns. Unless the opening system or situation requires otherwise.

Try to develop your Bishops before blocking them in by moving a center pawn just one square.

Develop your pieces quickly, preferably toward the center (especially Knights, which often are “grim on the rim”).

Develop purposefully, and not just for development’s sake.

Don’t waste time or moves. Try to develop a new piece on each turn. Don’t move a piece twice in the opening without good reason.

Try to develop with threats, but don’t threaten pointlessly.

Develop minor pieces early. King-side pieces should usually be developed sooner than Queen-side ones, and Knights before Bishops.

Develop during exchanges.

To exploit an advantage in development, attack.

In the opening, don’t remove your Queen from play to “win” a pawn.

Don’t bring out the Queen too early, unless the natural course of play requires it.

Try to give as much scope to your pieces as possible.

Seize open lines.

Develop Rooks to open files, or to files likely to open.

Castle early.

Try to prevent your opponent’s King from castling. Keep it trapped in the center, especially in open games.

Try to pin your opponent’s pieces. Avoid pins against your own pieces.

Don’t capture pinned pieces until you can benefit from doing so. If possible, try to attack them again, especially with pawns.

After castling, don’t move the pawns in front of your King without specific reason.

To attack the King, pick a target square around it.

When applicable, pick target squares on the color of your unopposed Bishop. (Bishops control squares of only one color. If you have a Bishop that controls dark squares and your opponent has exchanged his corresponding Bishop, your dark-squared Bishop is “unopposed” on those squares.)

Look for tactics especially on squares of the color controlled by your unopposed bishop.

Try to avoid early exchanges of Bishops for Knights.

Double your attacking pieces by building batteries (two or more pieces of like power attacking along the same line). Put queen and Rook(s) on the same file or rank, and Queen and Bishop on the same diagonal.

Build batteries with the less valuable men up front, unless tactics require otherwise.

Maximize the efficiency of your moves. Play flexibly.

To strengthen control of a file, double your major pieces (Rooks and/or Queen) on it.

Determine whether you have an open or closed game, and play accordingly.

Usually play to retain you Bishops in open games, and sometimes Knights in closed games.

To improve the scope of your Bishop, place your pawns on squares opposite in color to it.

Keep your weaknesses on the color opposite to that of your opponent’s strongest Bishop.

Trade when ahead in material or when under attack, unless you have a sound reason for doing otherwise. Avoid trades when behind in material or when attacking.

Choose a plan and stay with it. Change it only if you should or must.

To gain space, you usually have to sacrifice time.

If cramped, free your game by exchanging material.

Trade bad minor pieces for good ones.

If the position is unsettled, disguise your plans: make noncommittal moves.

To gain space or open lines, advance pawns.

If the center is blocked, don’t automatically castle.

If behind in development, keep the game closed.

Try to accumulate small advantages.

Try to dominate the seventh rank, especially with Rooks.

Use the analytic method. When you don’t know what to do, first evaluated the position (as best you can), then ask pertinent questions about your analysis.

CHESS QUOTES

“I love all positions. Give me a difficult positional game, I will play it. Give me a bad position, I will defend it. Openings, endgames, complicated positions, dull draws, I love them and I will do my very best. But totally won positions, I cannot stand them.” Hein Donner, ‘Clubblad DD’, 1950.

“In blitz, the knight is stronger than the bishop.” Vlastimil Hort.

“Chess is so inspiring that I do not believe a good player is capable of having an evil thought during the game.” Wilhelm Steinitz, interview with J. Moquette, 1896.

“Dazzling combinations are for the many, shifting wood is for the few.” Georg Kieninger, ‘Deutsche Schachhefte’, 1950

“I already came upon the world as a extraordinary human being; to my parents’ great horror, I was equipped with a clubfoot which, however, did not hamper my rapid progress.” Siegbert Tarrasch, ‘Dreihundert Schachpartien’, 1894.

“Oh! this opponent, this collaborator against his will, whose notion of Beauty always differs from yours and whose means (strength, imagination, technique) are often too limited to help you effectively! What torment, to have your thinking and your phantasy tied down by another person!”
Alexander Alekhine, foreword to ‘Mes Problèmes et études d'échecs’, Fred. Lazard, 1929

“The profuse phallic symbolism of chess provides some fantasy gratification of the homosexual wish, particularly the desire for mutual masturbation.”
Reuben Fine, ‘The Psychology of the Chess Player’, 1956.

“We like to think.” Gary Kasparov, asked by Hans Ree why he and Karpov get into time trouble so often.

“My life has been determined by the move e2-e1=N.” Johan Barendregt, interview with Max Pam, 1972.

“When you absolutely don’t know what to do anymore, it is time to panic.”
John van der Wiel.

“I have not given any drawn or lost games, because I thought them inadequate to the purpose of the book.” Jose Capablanca, ‘My Chess Career’, 1920.

“And the rigidity of the material with which we have to compose, is a more formidable opponent than Lasker or Capablanca. Because these lifeless opponents do not have any moments of human weakness!” Henri Weenink, ‘Het Schaakprobleem’, 1921.

“Checkers is for tramps.” Paul Morphy.

“Yes, I have played a blitz game once. It was on a train, in 1929.” Mikhail Botvinnik, interviewed by Genna Sosonko in 1989.

“Previously, Oberhansli was practically unknown even in his own country.”
Moritz Henneberger, ‘Alpine Chess’, 1921.

“They asked me what year it was, what month it was, etc. I easily answered these stupid questions.” Bobby Fischer, ‘I was Tortured in the Pasadena Jailhouse!’, 1982.

“Poor Capablanca! Thou wert a brilliant technician, but no philosopher. Thou wert not capable of believing that in chess, another style could be victorious than the absolutely correct one.” Max Euwe, Tijdschrift van den Nederlandschen Schaakbond, 1942.

“Chess problems demand from the composer the same virtues that characterize all worthwile art: originality, invention, conciseness, harmony, complexity, and splendid insincerity.” Vladimir Nabokov, ‘Poems and Problems’, 1969.

“Chess and theatre often lead to madness.” Arrabal, ‘Sur Fischer’, 1974.

“You know, comrade Pachman, I don’t enjoy being a Minister, I would rather play chess like you, or make a revolution in Venezuela.” Che Guevara, quoted in Ludek Pachman, ‘Checkmate in Prague’, 1975.

“I won’t play with you anymore. You have insulted my friend.” Miguel Najdorf, at blitz, when an opponent cursed himself for a blunder.

“Now I have the pawn and the compensation.” Roman Dzindzichashvili, playing blitz.

“The middle game, where the struggle is really fought, will take a variable number of moves, and will be named so until the certainty of mate for one of the two players is ninety percent.” Madame Flash, ‘Je gagne aux éches’, Marabout-Flash 1963.

“In chess, as it is played by masters, chance is practically eliminated.”
Emanuel Lasker, ‘Brettspiele der Völker’, 1930.

“And his six pawns were scattered like the ships of the Armada that should have conquered England; the Lord blew, and they were all isolated.”
Hans Kmoch, Groningen 1946 tournament book.

“It is always better to sacrifice your opponent’s men.”
Savielly Tartakower

“Nowadays, when you’re not a grandmaster at 14, you can forget about it.” Anand Vishwanathan.

“For me, this personality, notwithstanding his fundamentally optimistic attitude, had a tragic note. The enormous mental resilience, without which no chess player can exist, was so much taken up by chess that he could never free his mind of this game, even when he was occupied by philosophical and humanitarian questions.” Albert Einstein, in his foreword to Hannak’s biography of Emmanuel Lasker.

“If FIDE returns to Karpov and Kasparov, it would mean regress and return to the past.” Kirsan Ilyumzhinov, interview, 1998.

“In a very strongly played match between Mrs. Brookman and C. Deen, White was able to place a fork, whereby Black lost his one rook, and shed a piece of exchange. This loss put Black under heavy pressure and tried to achieve a better position in the defense, but White continued strongly with her attacking play and was able to finish the game surprisingly by mate, to her advantage, 1-0.” Hoogeveense Courant, 5 april 1991.

“O’Sullivan's play was rather worse than his score.”
Harry Golombek, 1947, about a tournament where O’Sullivan scored ½ out of 13.

“Chess is so interesting in itself, as not to need the view of gain to induce engaging in it; and thence it is never played for money.”
Benjamin Franklin, ‘Chess made easy’, 1802.

“It is one of the insights of modern players, and especially of the best ones, that one has to play the position itself, not some abstract idea of the position.” John Watson, ‘Secrets of Modern Chess Strategy’, 1998.

“It has been said that man is distinguished from animal in that he buys more books than he can read. I should like to suggest that the inclusion of a few chess books would help to make the distinction unmistakable.”
Edward Lasker, ‘The Adventure of Chess’, 1949.

“The only thing chess players have in common is chess.” Lodewijk Prins, interview with Max Pam, 1972.

“The passion for playing chess is one of the most unaccountable in the world. It slaps the theory of natural selection in the face. It is the most absorbing of occupations. The least satisfying of desires. A nameless excrescence upon life. It annihilates a man. You have, let us say, a promosing politician, a rising artist that you wish to destroy. Dagger or bomb are archaic and unreliable - but teach him, inoculate him with chess.”
H.G. Wells, ‘Certain Personal Matters’, 1898.

“A sensation, hidden in the depths of my emotional memory, was suddenly revived: what if... What if for me The Variation is not dead? If The Variation is alive?!” Lev Polugayevsky, ‘Grandmaster Preparation’, 1981.

“We must make sure that chess will not be like a dead language, very interesting, but for a very small group.’ Sytze Faber, Top Chess Commissioner in the Dutch Chess Federation, 2000.

“Chess is thriving. There are ever less round robin tournaments and ever more World Champions.” Robert Hübner, Schach, december 2000.

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01 Irving Chernev, “Of chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it, but that is the fault of life, not chess.”

02 Garry Kasparov, “Chess is mental torture.”

03 Capablanca, “A good player is always lucky.”

04 Viktor Korchnoi, “No chess GM is normal, they only differ in the extent of their madness.”

05 Nigel Short, “If your opponent offers you a draw, try to work out why s/he is worse off.”

06 Mikhail Tal, “Later, I began to succeed in decisive games. Perhaps because I realised a very simple truth: not only was I worried, but also my opponent.”

07 Nimzowitsch, “Why must I lose to this idiot”.

08 Chess is war over the board. The object is to crush the opponents mind.

09 “I think it is almost definite that the game is a draw theoretically” (Fischer).

10 Only sissies %K or %Q (Silliars).

11 Castle early and often (Sillars).

12 It is always better to sacrifice your opponent’s men.

13 Some part of a mistake is always correct.

14 To avoid losing a piece, many a person has lost the game.

15 The blunders are all there on the board, waiting to be made.

16 The winner of the game is the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

17 A chess game is divided into three stages, when you hope you have the advantage, the second when you believe you have an advantage, and the third….. when you know you are going to lose.

18 The hardest game to won is a won one.

19 It is not enough to be a good player, you must also play well.

20 What is the object of playing a gambit? To acquire a reputation of being a dashing player at the cost of losing a gambit.

21 Account briefly for the popularity of the QU-PA opening in matches of a serious nature? Losing.

22 What exceptional circumstances will justify the stopping of clocks during a tournament game. Strangling a photographer.

23 Before the endgame, the Gods have placed the middle game.

24 Asked how many moves ahead he looked, Tarrasch replied “I look one move ahead… the best!”

25 The battle for the ultimate truth will never be won. And that is why chess is so fascinating.

26 There are two classes of wo/men; those who are content to yield to circumstances and who play whist; those who aim to control circumstances, and who play chess.

27 To win you have to risk loss.

28 A good sacrifice is one that is not necessarily sound but leaves your opponent dazed and confused.

29 Fame, I already have. Now I need money.

30 Only the player with the initiative has the right to attack.

31 PAs are born free, yet are everywhere in chains.

32 The loser is always at fault.

33 You cannot play at chess if you are kind hearted.

34 One does not have to play well, it is enough to play better than your opponent.

35 The winner of the game is the one who has made the next to last blunder.

36 “She hung up and I set out the chess board. I filled a pipe, paraded the chessmen and inspected them for French shaves and loose buttons, and played a championship tournament game between Gortchukoff and Meninkin, 72 moves to a draw, a prize specimen of the irrestible force meeting the immovable object, a battle without armour, a war game without book, and as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency” (Raymond Chandler, The Long Goodbye, Chapter 24, last few final sentences).

37 Sense danger when: Your opponents initials are ‘GM’.

38 Sense danger when: After completing your development you sense your opponent playing the endgame.

39 Chess addict: looks at newspaper chess columns before anything else.

What is Chess?

Chess is a cure for headaches - John Maynard Keynes

Chess is life - Bobby Fischer

Chess is a fighting game which is purely intellectual and excludes chance - Richard Reti

Chess is a test of wills - Paul Keres

Chess is the art of battle for the victorious battle of art - Savielly Tartakower

Chess is the art of analysis - Mikhail Botvinnik

Chess is the art which expresses the science of logic - Mikhail Botvinnik

Chess is everything: Art, science and sport - Anatoly Karpov

Chess is the most beautiful and reasonable of all games - Mme de Sevigne

Chess is an exercise full of delights - Arthur Saul

Chess is an earnest exercise of the mind - Thomas Cogan

Chess is a hothouse where the fruits of character can ripen more fully than in life - Edward Morgan Forster

Chess is imagination - David Bronstein

Chess is a cold bath for the mind - Andrew Bonar Law

Chess is a form of intellectual productiveness - Siegbert Tarrasch

Chess is not for timid souls - Wilhelm Steinitz

Chess is a struggle against error - Johannes Zukertort

Chess is a game of bad moves - Andy Soltis

Chess is an international language - Edward Lasker

Chess is a sea in which a gnat may drink and an elephant may bathe - Indian proverb

There is no other game so esteemed, so profound and so venerable as chess; in the realm of play it stands alone in dignity. - Ely Culbertson

For surely, of all the drugs in the world, Chess must be the most permanently pleasurable. - Assiac

There are two classes of people; those who are content to yield to circumstance, and who play whist; those who aim to control circumstances and who play chess. - Mortimer Collins

In answering the question, "Which is the greater game, Chess or Checkers," I must, in all frankness, favor Chess. - Newell W. Banks Blindfold Checker Champion of the World

The poorest chess player is more to be envied than the most favored servant of the Golden Calf; for the latter grovels all his life long in the mire of materialism; while the former dwells high aloft, in the bright realms of imagination and poetry. - Weiss

Nature supplies the game of chess with its implements; science with its system; art with its aesthetic arrangement of its problems; and God endows it with its blessed power of making people happy. - Weiss

Could we look into the head of a chess player, we should see there a whole world of feelings, images, ideas, emotion and passion. - Alfred Binet

The game of chess possesses a literature which in contents probably exceeds that of all other games combined. - H. J. R. Murray

The real lives of dazzlingly brilliant chess geniuses are sometimes hopelessly dull. - Reuben Fine

A person that will take back a move at chess will pick a pocket. - Fenton

First restrain, next blockade, lastly destroy! - Aron Nimzowitsch

It is not a move, even the best move, that you must seek, but a realizable plan. - Eugene Znosko-Borovsky

The tactician knows what to do when there is something to do; whereas the strategian knows what to do when there is nothing to do. - Gerald Abrahams

The blunders are all there on the board, waiting to be made. - Savielly Tartakower

A Chess Addict by Bill Wall

Ok, I admit it. I am a chess addict. I have played thousands of games over 30 years. Why, I played over 4,000 games on the Internet last year alone. I have over 2,000 chess books. I can't possibly read them all. I have millions of games of CD, Zip drives, 3.5 inch diskettes, and 5 1/4 inch diskettes. I can’t possibly play them all. I have all the chess programs and all the databases, but am playing so much on the Internet or at clubs, I don’t have the time to look at them. And I have written dozens of chess books and hundreds of chess articles. And I haven’t run out of ideas yet. I have organized dozens of events, been involved in chess politics at all levels, and have won my fair share of tournaments. I have my own chess web site with hundreds of links and dozens of chess trivia articles. I guess I am a hopeless chess addict. My wife tries to break me of it with cards or sports or TV or seeing relatives, but nothing works to cure me. I have withdrawal pains if I don’t play a game after a few days. I am on the computer playing chess or at the local chess club or looking at some postal game all the time. Don’t let this happen to you. Identify the signs early.

You know you are a chess addict if:

You bump into someone and say J’adoube.

You set up a chess set with salt and pepper shakers and food items when you sit at a checkered tablecloth.

You calculate 8 x 8 faster than 7 x 7.

You have more chess clocks than watches.

You buy the biggest, fastest, most expensive computer just to play chess on it or use it as a database.

Mate, mating positions, exposed bishops, and forking the queen have nothing to do with sex.

You take a chess set and book to the bathroom, and forget to go to the bathroom.

You meet someone, your first question is, “What's your rating?”

You downloaded every game of the University of Pittsburgh ftp site and The Week in Chess, in ChessBase, PGN, and Chess Assistant format.

You buy a newspaper only if it has a chess column in it.

You still think Bobby Fischer is a hero who will come back to the U.S. and take on the rest of the world again.

You have more chess books than any other book or magazine combined.

You know the next Olympics is not in Australia or Salt Lake City.

You spot the chessboard set up wrong in every movie with a chess scene.

You who know exactly what James Bond movie the above scene was taken from.

You name any of your pets Fischer, Tal, Karpov, Kasparov, or Alekhine.

Your favorite movie is “Searching for Bobby Fischer”.

You have checkered underwear with “It’s your move” on the front.

You have fantasies of mating one of the Polgar sisters (that’s checkmating).

Your favorite snack is Pepperidge Farm’s Chessmen cookies.

You have the 1999 International Chess Calendar hanging up in front of you.

You have the “Chessplayers make better mates” bumper sticker.

You know what BCO, ECO, MCO, NCO all mean and have all these books.

You ask girl if she plays chess before you ask her out for a date.

You end your letters and email with “P.S. 1.P-K4” hoping to start a game.

You drop everything and quickly spin around if you hear someone say, “Hi, Bobby” at a chess tournament you have read all of this.

CHESS LIMERICKS by Bill Wall

There once was a player from Maine,

Who played chess on a train.

He took a move back

And was thrown off the track,

And he never played chess again.

There once was a chess player named Flo,

Who liked to mate, you know;

When you castled long,

She helped along,

and would say, “O - O - O.”

There once was a player named Maloney,

Who always played the Benoni.

But his counterattack,

failed to a sac;

And his Benoni was just baloney.

There once was a girl in the nude,

Who played chess with some dude;

She announced to her date,

She was ready to mate,

But her meaning was quite misconstrued.

There’s something chess computers lack;

It's not that they know how to attack;

They can fork and pin;

They may lose, more often win.

But they just will never talk back.

Postal chess is here to stay,

And no reason why I shouldn’t play.

It is nice and slow,

And I can use my ECO,

It’s the postage I can't afford to pay.

This has happened to you, I bet.

You bring your chess set and didn't forget.

Then you notice with shock

You have a broken chess clock,

And a piece is missing from your best set.

The USCF rating system is inflated,

But the lower rated players are elated.

They can lose every game,

But their rating stays the same,

Or even become higher elevated.

A chessboard of a new design

that prevents an early resign.

With a different king

On either wing

The board must be 9 by 9.

In chess, my wife has one ambition

To win under any condition.

But to this date

She has yet to mate

She just can’t find the right position.

A chessplayer known to be great,

Was anything but sedate;

When moving to win,

He broadly would grin,

And bellow: “That’s check - and mate!”

There once was a Grandmaster named Browne,

Who always wore a perpetual frown;

As he played blitz against Dzindzi,

The crowd got all cringy,

He said just one word, that was, “DOWN!”

DAFYNITIONS by Bill Wall

ALEKHINE: type of battery for digital chess clock

ALGEBRAIC NOTATION: A way of recording games for those who can't describe them.

ATTACK: a short, sharp-pointed nail.

BAD BISHOP: another Catholic caught in a sex scandal

BAROQUE CHESS SET:  Unrepaired chess set.

BIRD’S OPENING:  a small hole in the side of a coop.

BISHOP PAIR: strange bed fellows.

BISHOPS OF OPPOSITE COLORS: a very strange couple.

BOARD: What chess widows are at chess tournaments with their husbands

BUST: bad opening when playing a well-endowed female

CENTER COUNTER: small table in the middle of a room.

CHECK: what chess players hate to hear at a tournament or restaurant

COLLE: opening for dog lovers

CORRESPONDENCE CHESS: the check really is in the mail

DANISH GAMBIT: opening for pastry lovers.

DISCOVERED CHECK:  one that fell behind a desk long time ago.

FOOL’S MATE:  A chessplayer’s spouse.

FRENCH DEFENSE: a Maginot line.

FRIED LIVER ATTACK:  a form of indigestion.

GRECO GAMBIT: opening for wrestlers,

ILLEGAL:  a sick bird.

KNIGHT ENDING:  dawn.

MAROCZY:  A chess master who always got in a bind.

MAROCZY BIND:  an unusual form of constipation.

MATE: spouse.

MINORITY ATTACK:  a civil rights revolt.

SAM LOYD:  An endgame composer always causing problems.

SELF-HELP MATE: a bigamist.

SIESTA VARIATION: taking a nap before noon.

STALEMATE:  a spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.

WOODPUSHER:  lobbyist for the timber industry.

FIANCHETTO:  Pinnochio’s last name.

RICE GAMBIT:  Gary Hart’s favorite opening.

ZUGZWANG:  German for “constipated.”  The term is used when it hurts to move.

MORPHY’S LAW by Bill Wall

MORPHY’S LAW: Once you are the best in chess, then quit.

FISCHER’S POSTULATE: Once you are the best in chess, resign your title, make impossible demands, then quit.

KARPOV’S COROLLARY: Once you are the best in chess, if you start to lose, call for a timeout.

KASPAROV’S AXIOM: Once you are the best in chess, start a new organization and avoid the second best.

WALL’S COROLLARIES OF CHESS:

Every chess clock ticks faster than you think.

Your opponent’s clock will always tick slower than your clock.

When you have forced mate in three, you have overlooked being mated in two.

Don't hope for your opponent’s mistakes, rely on them!

A chess piece most likely to be broken or lost is the most difficult to replace.

Bad moves come in waves.

You always see a better move just after making a bad move.

A tournament director is always asked the rule he is least familiar with.

A person who resigns gracefully never intended to win anyway.

If you can’t make a good move, make a confusing move.

Chess is only a hobby to those who can’t play very well.

There are no inferior moves with inferior opponents.

Chess rating times good sportmanship is a constant.

The only missing move on a scoresheet is the one you can’t reconstruct.

Chessplayers never die, they just lose their mating habits.

Needle your opponent with pins.

Prod your opponent with forks.

The hardest position to win is stalemate.

Chess is an art to those who can draw their games.

Rules to postal chess must be obeyed to the letter.

Chessboards are made by squares.

A king’s castle is his home.

Chess ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Chess computers work better and are stronger if you plug it in.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

When all else fails, knock over the board and chess set.

If you push a pawn far enough, it will fall of the table.

If at first you don’t succeed, resign. No use being a damn foolish patzer.

Don’t eat beans before a match.

THE CHESS PLAYER’S WIDOW

by Bill Wall

The wife of an addicted chessplayer is a lonely creature who must put up with her husband’s obsession with chess. The chessplayer’s widow sees her husband as a vague person who is more interested in a checkmate than his own mate. He is studying his board; she is bored of his studying. He is thinking of knight moves; she is thinking of the nightlife; he is looking for mate in one; she is looking for one to mate.

The wife occasionally entertains at home by cooking an elaborate meal for a few of her husband’s chess buddies. Chessplayers have only other chessplayers as friends, of course. The biggest mistake she can make is to use a checkered tablecloth. When everyone sits down to enjoy a sumptuous meal that took the wife hours to prepare over a hot stove, she will find all her salt and pepper shakers, toothpick holders, sugar bowl (and cubes), cups and glasses, and miscellaneous foods from various plates make an excellent substitute for chess pieces on a chess board patterned from the tablecloth.

Now the strong chessplayer is gifted with an incredible memory. A game is analyzed in detail and played over and over; past chess games and brilliant moves and variations are never forgotten. The latest theory of the Scheveningen variation of the Sicilian Defense has been memorized to the smallest detail. Yet, when there are a few chores to do around the house or a few things to pick up at the store, the chessplayer has forgotten all of this and passes it off as “poor memory.” However, he can remember that brilliant chess game he won five years ago to a fellow chessplayer in the third round of some minor Swiss tournament.

The wife can tell when her husband has lost a tournament game or done poorly at the local chess club. He comes home a loser with no trophy or $2.72 that ten other players received for tying for third place. His chin is so low he practically trips over the doorstep. The door slams as he mumbles to himself, “I lost to the weakest guy in the tournament. And he was only 10 years old. I should have won that game. I won a piece by move eight. I had the better position all through the game. How did I leave my Queen hanging? He was lucky that time. I was distracted by his burping. Wait until I get him in the next game.” The mumbles continue all night. His only interest is how he lost a won game. The magnetic chess set is his constant companion - in the bathroom, at dinner, in bed.

The chessplayer’s widow probably suffers more if her husband has won. He brings home a small trophy and already spent his prize money by taking all his chess friends to a pizza house. The wife must listen with interest as he gives her a move-by-move description in detail with added explanations of how brilliant each move was, including all variations. The wife must follow her chess-playing husband from room to room, so as not to escape a single move of a particular game, or else suffer the consequences of him setting up the pieces all over again and starting over from move one.

The average husband disappears into the bathroom with newspaper or magazine. Not the chess-playing husband. He disappears with a portable magnetic chess set and latest chess magazine and spends up to an hour analyzing chess games and variations. He later emerges but later discovers one thing missing. The last pawn in the second row for White is gone. Before he realizes it, the wife has flushed the toilet. To his horror, he suddenly remembers where his pawn was.

The chessplayer tries to teach his wife how to play chess. But he already knows it is hopeless. She forgets how the Knight moves; she can’t understand the en passant rule; she wants to castle in check; she trades her Rooks off for Bishops because she doesn’t like the design of the Bishop; and she takes all her moves back when he wants to exchange a piece.

The worst thing a wife can do is learn how to play the game herself. First, she will want to accompany her husband to chess tournaments. Then she will play the chess computer. Soon she will prove to be too much competition and may beat her husband in an off-hand game. That does it. It is time to give up chess, sell or give away his chess books, and take up golf.

A Chess Glossary

Adjournment: an interruption in play to enable both players to obtain analytical help from their chessmaster-friends, chess libraries, or chess computers.

Adjudication: a binding decision about the outcome of an unfinished game, made by someone who is rated 200 points below you and who renders his judgment after spending a total time to only 5% of the time that you devoted to the game.

Algebraic Chess Notation: a system of recording chess moves which is so logical and mathematically neat that it’s amazing that it actually became popular here in the U.S.A.

Amateur: in chess, someone who plays only for money (cf. Professional).

Analysis: irrefutable proof that you could have won a game you lost.

Annotator: 1. a “friendly guide” to the complexities of master play, who first cites the MCO column for the game under review, then remains silent until White is a Rook ahead, and finally, points out how Black could have held out longer; alternately, someone whose grasp of chess books doesn’t extend beyond his library on the opening. 2. a GrandMaster of clichés.

Attacking Moves: moves that my opponent seems to make much more frequently than I do.

Bad Bishop: the one that you still have left on the board.

Bird’s Opening: 1. f4. Opening named after a strong but nearsighted English master who frequently reached for the wrong pawn.

Black-square Weakness: a term usually given to describe the state of the dark colored squares surrounding ones own king (cf. White-square Weakness).

Blindfold Chess: a skill, through which minor masters can gain a world-wide reputation; outlawed in Russia because Morphy and Pillsbury died crazy.

Blitz: a an extreme form of rapid transit chess, where the players move faster than they can think - thus ensuing the game a rare profundity.

Bobby Fischer: A player who makes an appearance every twenty years to defeat Spassky in a match.

Book-Player: a chess slave, who fills a relatively empty head with information that makes it even emptier.

Botvinnik: a Russian king, revered by communist society.

Brilliancy: a combinative sequence which is understandable to anyone once the solution is revealed.

Bughouse Chess: a game gaining in popularity since you can always blame all of your losses on your partner’s play.

Bye: in Swiss System tourneys, a full point given to an odd player.

Castling: a defensive move played by a cowardly opponent; a special move solely done for king’s safety only to be dismantled by your opponent later.

Center: according to the hypermoderns, the squares a1, a8, h1, h8.

Challenger’s Tourney: a tournament to decide which Russian will play another Russian for the world championship.

Champion: someone who has attained success in chess only because he has had more time to devote to the game than you have.

Cheapo: a phrase coined by U.S. Master Dr. Karl Burger, who has won a large percentage of his games by such a maneuver; a move which threatens something so obvious that only an idiot would fall for it, and he does.

Checkmate: a self-inflicted torture by novices who don’t know the word “resigns”.

Chess: a most intriguing intellectual challenge, played in a cultured manner according to strict rules and regulations. The object of the game is to crush your opponent.

Chess Fever: a disease common among adolescent members of the Manhattan Chess Club; characterized by jagged fingernails, bulging eyes, and an unsteady hand.

Chess Life: a magazine that comes out late once a month.

Clock, Chess: a mechanical device used to time tournament games which no one ever pays attention to until that little red marker is about to fall.

Club, Chess: a group of devotees of the Royal Game, whose meetings are characterized by brotherhood and good sportsmanship and where never is heard an encouraging word.

Combination: any long series of moves that the average player cannot understand.

Compensation: something that I tell myself that I have for being down that pawn.

Connoisseur, Openings: an understanding authority, who thinks one opening is better than another.

Correspondence Chess: a system of play which in gaining in popularity because you cannot lose USCF rating points in this sort of competition; a method of play to determine who owns the strongest chess computer.

Cramped Position: that which you must obtain as a necessary preliminary to freeing your game.

Duffer: anybody who can beat you three times in a row.

Egotist, Chess: someone who is more interested in describing his own victories than in listening to yours.

Endgame: your last opportunity to miss a win or a draw.

Ethics, Chess: undefined (we could find no examples of this).

En Prise, To Leave: a method of relieving oneself of extraneous material.

Euwe, Max: that Dutch master whose name I can't pronounce.

Fianchetto: an Italian method of developing bishops; popularized by Russians.

Fischer, Robert: an American chess veteran who had been U.S. Champion eight times. His victims accused him of bad manners; his conquerors thought of him a fine sport.

Fish: a player who falls for all your traps and still wins.

Fool’s Mate: the logical conclusion to any game of chess; a chessplayer’s spouse.

Foresight: the ability to play in only those tournaments you are sure of winning.

Fork: “an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals in one’s mouth”. (A. Bierce).

Gambit: any unsound sacrifice in the opening.

Good Bishop: your opponent’s bishop.

Grandmaster: anyone who has reached the point in chess where he is acclaimed for drawing all his games.

Grandmaster Draw: a friendly conclusion due to mutual fear.

Giuoco Piano: playable, but not quite so good as a Steinway.

Hypermodern Play: any opening system where an early checkmate is impossible.

If-move: a method of shortening a typical correspondence game from nine months to just eight months and three weeks.

Internet Chess: a method of playing chess in which you can pay a monthly fee, tie up your phone line, all to play your neighbor across the street.

Isolated Pawn: a pawn that will queen in the endgame (cf. Passed Pawn).

J’adoube: 1. A phrase customarily emitted when you are caught starting your opponent’s clock on your move. 2. French for “What am I doing?”. If I move that piece I’m lost!”

Kibitzer: someone who gives good advice to your opponent and bad advice to you.

King’s Indian Reversed: naidni sgnik.

Lost Game: something your opponent had before he won.

Marshall Counterattack: an aggressive defense to the Ruy Lopez, devised by Frank. J. Counterattack.

M.C.O.: Modern Chess Oblivion.

Median System: a way of breaking Swiss System ties which requires a knowledge of mathematical statistics and algebra, but which is much simpler than any other system.

Middlegame: In postal chess, the first move after published analysis is exhausted.

Modesty: 1. A virtue that grandmasters rarely cultivate. 2. “When I am White I win because I am White; when I am Black, I win because I am Bogoljubov.”

Moral Victory: Any victory less than a total victory. The term is usually used to make a loser feel better.

Odds: chessplayers.

Opening: that phase of the game in which intelligence plays no part.

Open File: a file cleared of pawns - a worthy objective since it is then easy to exchange a pair of rooks and obtain an easy draw.

Opponent: a slimy individual with an ugly face.

Open Tournament: a tournament open to all; a weak tournament.

Overprotection: first emphasized by the well-known theorist Nimzovich, this positional theme symbolizes Nimzo’s relationship with his mother.

Passed Pawn: a pawn that never queens. (cf. Isolated Pawn).

Patzer: a good-natured term with which you describe anyone you can beat; but an insulting epithet when used by certain wise guys to describe you.

Pawn-Snatcher: a defensive genius.

Perfect Game: a way of describing all of one’s victories.

Petrosian: See Grandmaster draw.

Pin: a sharp move.

Planning: The period of time where in the beginning you are hoping for a mate, by the middlegame you are hoping to have an advantage, by the endgame you are hoping not to get killed, and by the next morning you are hoping that they will not laugh at you.

Positional Sacrifice: a move so profound that if the annotator isn’t your friend he calls it a blunder.

Principles of Chess: an archaic term; shown to be useless by Mikhail Tal.

Problem, Chess: any chess position that could never occur in an actual game.

Professional Chessplayer: anybody who cannot make a living at chess (cf. amateur).

Rating System: an objective method of ranking chess players which does not take into consideration the inherent beauty of a rose.

Reshevsky, Sammy: an eighty-year-old chess prodigy.

Resigns: a way of terminating a game, unknown to weak players.

Round-Robin Tournament: a competition in which you cannot talk the tournament director out of pairing you with someone you are afraid of.

Ruy Lopez: a Spanish bishop, usually placed on b5.

Sacrifice: any piece left en prise.

Seventh Rank: discovered by Nimzovich.

Sicilian Defense: a defense originated by members of the Mafia, embodying their highest principles.

Simultaneous Exhibition: a demonstration of ego, where one individual seeks to display his chess prowess by beating 40 beginners simultaneously.

Sportsmanship, Good: concealed hatred for a victorious opponent.

Strategy: any idea longer than one move deep (cf. Tactics).

Swindle: the only way anyone can be defeated.

Swiss-System: a pairing system full of holes, like some other Swiss products.

Tactics: a one-move threat (cf. Strategy).

“The board is set up wrong”: quote invariably heard mentioned by any chess player when watching any movie or television show which shows a chess set.

Theoretical Novelty (TN): A new or long forgotten move which always causes a master to get excited.

Trap: Something you saw but forgot about until you fell into it.

Unclear Position: a position where both players have absolutely no clue as to what is going on. This usually results in a draw.

Weekend Tourney: a tournament for which a player travels 300-500 miles in order to be paired with players from his home town.

White-square Weakness: a term usually given to describe the state of the lighter colored squares surrounding my king (cf. Black-square Weakness)

White: since recent Supreme Court decisions, not so big an advantage as it once was.

World Champion: a title that is lately being given to a number of players, some of which haven’t played a single game in years.

Win: to make an enemy.

Won Game: any game you lost.

Woodpusher: a way of describing one’s play so as to make opponents overconfident.

Zugzwang: there is no definition of this word.

THE MORALS OF CHESS
By DR. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

The Game of Chess is not merely an idle amusement; several very valuable qualities of the mind, useful in the course of human life, are to be acquired and strengthened by it, so as to become habits ready on all occasions; for life is a kind of Chess, in which we have often points to gain, and competitors or adversaries to contend with, and in which there is a vast variety of good and ill events, that are, in some degree, the effect of prudence, or the want of it. By playing at Chess then, we may learn:

1^st, Foresight, which looks a little into futurity, and considers the consequences that may attend an action; for it is continually occurring to the player, “If I move this Piece, what will be the advantage or disadvantage of my new situation? What use can my adversary make of it to annoy me? What other moves can I make to support it, and to defend myself from his attacks?”

2^nd, Circumspection, which surveys the whole Chess-board, or scene of action: - the relation of the several Pieces, and their situations; the dangers they are repeatedly exposed to; the several possibilities of their aiding each other; the probabilities that the adversary may make this or that move, and the attack this or that Piece; and what differences means can be used to avoid his stroke, or turn its consequences against him.

3^rd, Caution, not to make our moves too hastily. This habit is best acquired by observing strictly the laws of the game; such as, if you touch a piece you must move it somewhere; if you set it down, you must let it stand.

Therefore, it would be the better way to observe these rules, as the game becomes thereby more the image of human life, and particularly of war; in which if you have incautiously put yourself into a bad and dangerous position, you cannot obtain your enemy’s leave to withdraw your troops, and place them more securely, but you must abide by all the consequences of your rashness.

And, lastly, we learn chess by the habit of not being discouraged by present bad appearances in the state of our affairs; the habit of hoping for a favourable chance, and that of preserving in the search of resources. The game is so full of events, there is such a variety of turns in it, the fortune of it is so subject to vicissitudes, and one so frequently, after contemplation, discovers the means of extricating one’s self from a supposed insurmountable difficulty, that one is encouraged to continue the contest to the last, in hopes of victory from our skill; or, at least, from the negligence of our adversary: and whoever considers, what in Chess he often sees instances of, that success is apt to produce presumption and its consequent inattention, by which more is afterwards lost than was gained by the preceding advantage, while misfortunes produce more care and attention, by which the loss may be recovered, will learn not to be too much discouraged by any present successes of his adversary, nor to despair of final good fortune upon every little check he receives in the pursuit of it.

That we may therefore, be induced more frequently to choose this beneficial amusement in preference of others, which are not attended with the same advantages, every circumstance that may increase the pleasure of it should be regarded; and every action or word that is unfair, disrespectful, or that in any way may give uneasiness, should be avoided, as contrary to the immediate intention of both the parties, which is, to pass the time agreeably.

1^st, Therefore, if it is agreed to play according to the strict rules, then those rules are to be strictly observed by both parties; and should not be insisted upon for one side, while deviated from by the other: for this is not equitable.

2^nd, If it is agreed not to observe the rules exactly, but one party demands indulgences, he should then be as willing to allow them to the other.

3^rd, No false move should ever be made to extricate yourself out of a difficulty, or to gain an advantage; for there can be no pleasure in playing with a man once detected in such unfair practice.

4^th, If your adversary is long in playing, you ought not to hurry him, or express any uneasiness at his delay; not even by looking at your watch, or taking up a book to read: you should not sing, nor whistle, nor make a tapping with your feet on the floor, or with your fingers on the table, nor do anything that may distract his attention: for all these things displease, and they do not prove your skill in playing, but your craftiness and your rudeness.

5^th, You ought not to endeavour to amuse and deceive your adversary by pretending to have made bad moves; and saying you have now lost the game, in order to make him secure and careless, and inattentive to your schemes; for this is fraud and deceit, not skill in the game of Chess.

6^th, You must not, when you have gained a victory, use any triumphing or insulting expressions, nor show too much of the pleasure you feel; but endeavour to console your adversary, and make him less dissatisfied with himself by every kind and civil expression that may be used with truth; such as, you understand the game better than I, but you are a little inattentive, or, you play too fast; or, you had the best of the game, but something happened to divert your thoughts, and that turned it in my favour.

7^th, If you are a spectator, while others play, observe the most perfect silence: for if you give advice, you offend both the parties: him against whom you give it, because it may cause him to lose the game: him in whose favour you give it, because, though it be good, and he follow it, he loses the pleasure he might have had, if you had permitted him to think till it occurred to himself. Even after a move or moves, you must not, by replacing the Pieces, show how they might have been placed better; for that displeases, and might occasion disputes or doubts about their true situation.

All talking to the players lessens or diverts their attention; and is, therefore, unpleasing; nor should you give the least hint to either party, by any kind of noise or motion; if you do, you are unworthy to be a spectator.

If you desire to exercise or show your judgment, do it in playing your own game, when you have an opportunity, not in criticizing or meddling with, or counseling the play of others.

Lastly, If the game is not to be played rigorously, according to the rules before mentioned, then moderate your desire of victory over your adversary, and be pleased with one over yourself.

Snatch not eagerly at every advantage offered by his unskillfulness or inattention; but point out to him kindly, that by such a move he places or leaves a Piece en prise unsupported; that by another, he will put his King into a dangerous situation, &c.

By this general civility (so opposite to the unfairness before forbidden) you may happen indeed to lose the game; but you will win what is better, his esteem, his respect, and his affection; together with the silent approbation and the good will of the spectators.

When a vanquished player is guilty of an untruth to cover his disgrace, as “I have not played so long, - his method of opening the game confused me, - the men were of an unusual size,” &c. all such apologies, (to call them no worse) must lower him in a wise person’s eyes, both as a man and a Chess-player; and who will not suspect that he who shelters himself under such untruths in trifling matters, is no very sturdy moralist in things of greater consequence, where his fame and honour are at stake? A man of proper pride would scorn to account for his being beaten by one of these excuses, even were it true; because they have all so much the appearance, at the moment, of being untrue.