Bujinkan Wexford Dojo
the mc dojo files:
some funny and not so funny
stuff to come out of different martial art's clubs and organisations
from around the world
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This "now famous" section was taken from a amazing thread in rec.martial-arts.moderated.
Author unkown ?
Question Lad (aka. What-If?):
This guy will bring up every possible
permutation for every drill that is being worked.
Solution:
Make him uki.
Captain Slacker:
Dogs the drills and sucks away
the stunning dynamic experience that occurs during every class.
Solution:
Make him uki
The Interpreter:
Seems to believe that explanations must be altered to so that
the masses can understand them. Even when the masses are already doing the drill.
Solution:
Make him uki.
The Whacker:
Selflessly and altruistically strives to make each partner drill
ultra-"realistic", for his partner's learning benefit. Leaves a wake of bruises,
black eyes, and sprains behind him until he tries
it on the wrong person.
Solution:
trade partners frequently,
the right one will come along soon.
The Silver Spoon:
Has a unique blind spot that prevents him from seeing anything that needs doing
around the dojo. This blind spot is so wide that he can't see an entire dojo floor
full of other students with rags cleaning up.
Solution:
hand him a rag. Or make him uke. Gis make
great cleaning rags, with or without a person in them.
The Assistant Insructor:
Possessed of a truly amazing learning curve, this specimen
has absorbed enough knowledge in six months' study to be able to offer
a flawless critique of others' practice. Undeterred by the presence
of actual knowledge and experience.
Solution:
have him do heian shodan.
As my sensei told me, "Nobody knows more about karate than a green belt.
If you don't believe it, just ask him"
The Vince Lombardi Wannabe:
Believes only that a good offense is the best
defense. Constantly attacks training partners at full speed to demonstrate
this philosophy, leaving confused and disgruntled students in his wake.
Solution:
He/she feeds the instructor next time.
The Whiner:
Common source of "but
that huuuuurts!" "I think I need to sit out
for a moment," and "that's too hard!" during simple basic partner drills,
including all light sparring.
Solution:
Take two Tylenol and put them back in.
They'll either gain a little intestinal fortitude or they'll quit.
(Note: the Tylenol is for YOU, not them.) (Note 2: I'm not talking real
injury here----I mean the whimpering little whining that happens when someone
gets an arm bar put on, so that the pressure on the arm "hurts my arm muscle."
hings like that. People who simply canNOT get through an entire class without
at least 2 brief class pauses while the instructor checks if the person is
really hurt, or just whining yet _again_.) (And yes, I've got one of these. Arg.)
The Toughman:
Can take ANY technique, and "tough it
out" according to him (it is
almost always a him) Pressure points don't work (according to him), locks are
something he can handle (according to him), and getting thrown/landed
on/smashed/crushed/mangled is something where he can "take the pain, suck it
up, and shrug it off." No matter what.
Solution:
make him uki MORE.
The Cross-trainer:
"White belt, you need to adjust
your stance this way."
"But sir, this is the way we did it in the last tkd/karate/aikido/judo/whatever
class I was in. And I've noted you don't do [such and such] technique
'correctly' ---in my last class, the teacher said it was stupid to do it the
way you do." Teacher: "Arg. Can I simply kill you now?"
Solution:
Manage to
not show Little Grasshopper why you "do it that way," and simple explain that
different classes do it different ways----and in THIS class, we do it MY way.
The Primal Male:
Women simply canNOT do techniques that would be effective
against this man because, after all, they are women. Smaller, weaker,
etc...
Solution:
Have the smallest high ranking female in class use
The Primal Male as demonstration person for joint locks and throws.
In front of the new students.
(This person is common in many college programs, BTW.)
The Mouth:
Has the amazing ability to continue talking while you are standing
in front of him stating that he should shut up. (If you're lucky, this only
occurs in children's classes.)
Solution:
His partner gets 10 pushups everytime
he opens his mouth.
The Clueless:
He's constantly doing stuff wrong. Even the simplest explanations
bring a glazed look to his eye as he continues to be unable to improve.
Solution:
Can't think of a single one.
The macho newbie:
He's big, he's strong, and he knows it. Furthermore,
there's no woman in the whole dojo that he couldn't knock out with his
fabulous punch, and he's going to make sure that everyone knows it.
Solution:
Kick him in the groin. ;) (OK, so you can't really do that if you're
the instructor, but you can tell the other students to do it!)
The macho old-timer:
He's big, he's strong, and he's been doing this a
long time. Ain't no one in the place that better *ever* beat him at a drill,
or they will pay the concequences.
Solution:
Kick him in the groin
(Hey, Don got to use solutions over! ;), and then quickly move on to the next partner.
The "in my previous dojo"'er: ( Need I say more? :)
Solution:
send him on to his next dojo.
Ninja Bob:
is pretty sure that he is training to become a covert agent,
and wants constant reassurance of the deadlyness of his/her endeavors.
Every sifu's best friend:
wants to be your 'best' student, but unfortunately
can't deal with training in the group. It's not his fault really, but he's
a kick ass private student at the no contact level. (you guys can call this "The Maurice" if you want)
Mr. Agreeable:
Yes, he understands. Yes, the drill makes sense,
sure. Sure, keep it slow, watch the contact. (smile, nod) Oh, like that,
right. ...Proceeds (as soon as your back is turned) to, in dazed confusion,
invent his own damn drill, thank you very much, fast, out of control,
and not at all similar to the original.
Ms. I'm-tough-'cuz-I-do-karate:
She likes to think she's tough, but anytime
someone makes even a little bit of contact, she's going to complain
to anyone that will listen. This is to be contrasted with the women
who *are* there to train, and say nothing about the multiple bruises they
take home every night from the macho-newbie and the macho-old-timer.
Solution:
Hit her really hard and tell her to stop being such a wuss
when she complains. The phrase "It's karate/judo/etc., it's supposed
to hurt a little bit" should be used often.
Solution:
every single time,
without exception, pair Ms. Selfdefense with #4, The Whacker,
This will necessitate her learning to "whack" back.
Ms. Self-Defense:
She's read too many RMA threads, and truely believes
that her intelligence will get her out of any struggle she may encounter.
And if her intelligence doesn't work, then her legs will, because after all,
women's legs are stronger than men's.
Solution:
Put her one on one with
one of the smaller guys, and tell her to defend herself. 19 times out of
20, she'll find that her legs and her intelligence don't matter too
awefully much. Every single time, without exception, pair Ms.
I'm-tough-'cuz-I- do-karate with #9, the macho newbie. She will probably
eventually get pissed off enough to WANT to let him have it.
The glass menagerie:
think that they should be able to learn how to
fight without ever falling down, getting bruised or otherwise experiencing
physical discomfort. Never fully commits to a technique,
holds back and typically ends up being one of the first people to
experience an injury. (Usually from not committing to the movement properly)
Solution:
time...they either learn or leave.
The natural:
has natural athletic ability which really does help him or her
in the learning of MA. Is frequently lazy, however, since it doesn't seem that
hard to learn. This person frequently gets bored and ends up leaving without
fulfilling their potential.
Solution:
find something that challenges them
(and make them uke?)
Eclectic Man:
Has done thirty other arts for one class apiece. Is just killing
time until he can create his own martial art and associated web site
(whose address he will repeatedly post to RMA). Hopes to be inducted to
the "World Martial Arts Hall of Fame" as "Supreme Grandmaster of the Year"
before his 23rd birthday. Immediate response to any drill is "In Armenian
Tae Kung Kara Aikikenpojujutsu, they do X instead". Thinks you are jealous
because his uniform has more patches on it than yours does.
Solution:
Make him uke. (Preferably for "the Whacker")
Satori Man:
Has read every single book or article ever written on Zen and
martial arts. Owns stock in Shambala. Has never actually done zazen. Quotes
koans at every opportunity. Believes Morihei Ueshiba was God. Believes Morihei
Ueshiba was a Buddhist. Is fond of expounding about how "X" is not a "real
martial art" because it lacks a "spiritual component"
Solution:
Invite
your friend Charlie, who has been teaching "X" for a couple of decades,
to the dojo to teach a surprise special seminar...and thereby acquaint
Satori Man with his own spiritual component by making him uke.
Variant 1 on Satori Man:
all this and has never done any MA training.
Solution:
make him stop talking and practice. He'll go away. I recall one kid
who rebelled at being forced to hold the shinai with a right-handed grip.
He'd read Go Rin No Sho and according to him, Musashi didn't do it that way.
He lasted 2 classes.
Jutsu Man. Flip side of "Satori Man":
Believes he is the reincarnation
of Miyamoto Musashi, John L. Sullivan, and Attila the Hun. Is dismissive
of many "-do" forms because they "aren't practical" have "all that spirituality
bullshit", or are "just sports". Believes women "can't fight for shit".
Solution:
Invite a small, female, godan in Judo to teach him the meaning
of the term "kata guruma"...and make him uke.
The Ogler:
The woman who is so busy oogling at the guys, she's not paying
attention to what you're trying to teach her. In my experience,
these are always beginners.
One possible solution:
is to pair her up with a guy,
ideally one of the guys she's oogling. That way, at least, I can go off and
teach someone else or practice with someone who wants to train.
Another
solution :
is to throw her quickly and rather than help support the fall,
let her weight drop completely. Doesn't leave quite the same bruises as
punching, but can be pretty punishing all the same. Of course, *I* would never do this.
The Drifter:
Comes to class once every couple of months. Is completely
clueless about the material currently being studied, but wants to be promoted
to the next belt.
Solution:
Relocate the dojo every once in a while. (Thats what my Sensei does)
The Hasbeen:
used to practice five or ten years ago, and has now returned.
Thinks he knows just as much as the advanced students that studied with him
then and haven't stopped. Tries very hard to prove he is just as good as them
by using lots of force while doing the techniques.
Solution:
pair him up with
one of said students.