These are actual answers from the british equivalent of the Irish Leaving Cert. Every effort has been made to reproduce these gems.

Q Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning...
A Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face.

Q How important are elections to a democratic society?
A Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q What is a turbine?
A Something an arab wears on his head.

Q What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
A Nelson's Column.

Q Who was it that didn't like the return of the prodigal son?
A The fatted calf.

Q What's a Hindu?
A It lays eggs.

Q Name the four seasons.
A Salt, mustard, pepper & vinegar.

Q What changes happen to your body as you age?
A When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.
Q What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house.

Q What is a co-operative?
A It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer.

Q What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been involved in a car accident and is immobile?
A Rape them in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.

Q What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
A The Kiss of Death.

Q What are steroids?
A Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs.


"Red, pink, orange and flamingo are the colours of the rectum."

"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."

"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."

"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast."

"Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."

"A sexually transmitted disease is gonorrhoea, the penis becomes inflammable."

"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."

"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved byfitting them with catalytic convertors."

"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."

" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in our throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."


Some definitions given:

BENIGN - What you will be after you be eight.
CAESAREAN SECTION - A district in Rome.
COMA - A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop.
SEMI-COLON - Partial removal of the intestines.
VACUUM - Large empty space where the pope lives.
ENEMA - Someone who is not your friend.
MAGNET - Something you find crawling on a dead cat.
FIBULA - A small lie.
MORBID - When there is a bigger offer.
GERMINATION - The process of becoming a German.
NODE - When you have known somebody for a long time.
SEIZURE - A Roman Emperor.
FERTILISATION - The fusing of the male with the female garments.
TERMINAL ILLNESS - When you are ill at the airport.
TIBIA - A country in North Africa.
VARICOSE - Nearby.
VEIN - Conceited.

If you have anymore and you want to have them viewed by all, do e-mail them to dkit@oceanfree.net!