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The Joys of Pessimism

The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.

A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat shit.

Be creative, invent a perversion.

Blow your mind -- smoke gunpowder.

Dead people are cool.

Keep Sweden tidy, shoot a tourist.

Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.

We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower.

HEALTH: The slowest possible rate of dying.

PHILOSOPHY: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.

POVERTY: Having too much month left at the end of the money.

SLEEP: A poor substitute for caffeine.

SUSHI: Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'.

"The only reason so many people attended his funeral was they wanted to make sure he was dead."

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

"We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there."

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Life's a bitch, then you die.

Life is a bitch, then you marry one.

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

"Nobody's perfect. Well, there was this guy -- but we killed him."

When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke:
"Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse".
And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

"I'm a mistake - legalize abortion!"

"Lower the age of puberty!"

"Support wild life - vote for an orgy!"

"We are the people our parents warned us about."

"For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!"

"Does God believe in people?"

"The meek shall inherit the Earth - they're too weak to refuse."

"Cancer cures smoking."

"If it moves, fondle it."

"Copulate for coexistence!"

What did the instructor at the school for KamiKaze pilots say?
Okay, watch closely. I'm only gonna do this once.

In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

If you want your name spelt wrong, die.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes ? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."

Warning: Do not drink the battery acid. It doesn't taste good and will hurt you. Also do not bite the tyres, especially while the bike is moving.
-- An Australian motorcycle manual

"You are a fluke of the universe... You have no right to be here. Whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back."

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Why keep sane in a sick world?

Smokers are like ordinary people, just not as long.

"Don't close your eyes for the crash; you'll miss the best part"

If you can't lower heaven, raise hell

Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

The worst part of winning a rat race is not that you win, but the fact that you're still a rat.

I'm not in denial I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept

If you have anymore and you want to have them viewed by all, do e-mail them to!

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