The 1998 Darwin Awards
What are the Darwin Awards?
The Darwin Award is presented each year to the person who killed
themself in the stupidest way that year hence removing themself from the
evolutionary chain and proving that only the fittest (mentally and
physically) survive to extend the species.
The 1998 DARWIN AWARDS - CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an
18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said
Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had
been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach,
on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their
way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him
while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA,
as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his
skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman,
23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flakvest
Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus
earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their
snowmobiles.
8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff
near Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked
the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
The 1998 DARWIN AWARDS - HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in
the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean
out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a
propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in
September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM,
the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to
see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the
window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an
annual festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting.
This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured,
including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant,
"It's just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."
SOME MORE THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT
1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre
accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions
on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue,
and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten
off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.
"I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close
to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't
have been for more than two seconds". However, cab driver Vegas did see
and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of
the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician,
was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building
made her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In
shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's
wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
2. TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating
three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had
to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors'
suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,
being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center,
only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her
mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
3. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a
trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My
dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against
the dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there."
4. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle.
He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was
rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is
that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other
explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.
5. BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were
engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut
butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick
them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's
penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked
Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke,
covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped
back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious
husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice,
injuring her wrist and ankle.
Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just
plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the
penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very
fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from
it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per
se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter
stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because
of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
AND THE 1998 DARWIN AWARD WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more
than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up
pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds
of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast
unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he
struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn
police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay
under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came
along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those
freak accidents that happen."
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