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The Idiots Guide To Sex

This is 41 points, which should help men in that department. Otherwise known as, 'The Male Guide To Sex' ;)


01. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other.

02. A condom is not needed for when you are doing it alone.

03. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.

04. On the same note, oral contraception goes beyond just saying 'NO'.

05. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary.

06. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at first sight. If this happens be sure you pay her, otherwise you will suffer major physical pain.

07. Abstinence is not a kinky position.

08. Don't tell potential girlfriends that you have a severe Oedipus complex.

09. A bad line to use is, "They took 80% off during my circumcision".

10. Speed is not a virtue.

11. IN -> OUT * Repeat as often as possible.

12. A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.

13. If she says "doggy style", then DO NOT whip down to the local S.P.C.A.

14. Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

15. If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.

16. A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.

17. If your wife tells you sex is a "pain in the ass" turn her over.

18. A threesome does not mean letting the dog watch you use both hands.

19. Karma Sutra is not a martial art, therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.

20. Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

21. If she says she is a virgin that doesn't mean she is from a state in the South of America.

22. Silence doesn't mean your performance leaves her speechless.

23. If you're going to call out a name make sure it's the right one.

24. Choking the chicken is not something done at farms. Spanking of the monkey is not something done at zoos.

25. No one in junior high is 18, even if they're wearing a lot of make-up.

26. You don't need a passport to French kiss.

27. If your partner asks you to wear a leather mask it does not mean that it is Halloween.

28. Safe sex does not mean she has an airbag attached to her.

29. Spermicide is not made by Raid...

30. The clap doesn't mean she is applauding your performance.

31. If you ask a girl to have sex with her and she says "definitely not", she really means "NO"

32. When she comes down wearing her most expensive body-stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

33. If she says "MAYBE", she means "YES", but you have to really encourage her along the way. But don't do anything stupid such as rushing things or being clumsy. This may convert the MAYBE to a DEFINITE NO, which neither of you really want

34. If she says "YES", she's probably not worth it.

35. If she want's to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

36. "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

37. A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

38. Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

39. A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

40. Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease

41. If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!


If you have anymore and you want to have them viewed by all, do e-mail them to dkit@oceanfree.net!

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