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The Intellectual Homer Simpson

Homer on Jobs
"If you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in everyday and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way."

Homer on Sports
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose, its how drunk you get."

Homer on Excuses
"Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!"

Homer on Public Outings
."This ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself."

Homer on Writing
"Dear somebody you never heard of, how is so-and-so. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yours truly, some Bozo."

Homer on Slang
"You jive turkey. See you've got to sas it. Quit jivin' me turkey. You've got to sas it. A turkey is a bad person."

Homer on the Movies
"Give me my dignity. I just came here to see 'Honk if you're horny' in peace."

Homer on Marriage
"Now, what is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Homer on Fairy Tales
"Vampires are make believe. Just like Elves, Gremlins, and Eskimoes."

Homer on Missing Pets
Crying isn't going to bring the dog back ... unless your tears smell like dog food. Maybe if you ate a lot of dog food, your tears would start to smell like dog food. So you can sit here and eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food so it brings the dog back, or you can go out and find him

Homer on Gambling
Lisa:"Boy, Mom sure will be happy you won 50 dollars."
Homer:"You'd think that, wouldn't you? But you see, Lisa, your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's OK in the bible."
Lisa:"Really? Where?"
Homer:"Uhh...somewhere in the back."

Homer on Jury Duty
"Remember, son, the trick to advoiding jury duty is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

Homer on the Bible
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Homer on Beer
Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Homer on Women in the Workforce
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Homer Talking to his Brain
Be quiet, Brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip

Homer on Women's Sports
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling foxy boxy and such and such

Homer on Rules
In this house, young lady, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer on Pigs
Homer : "So Lisa your not going to eat any meat anymore, not even bacon?"
LIsa : "No"
Homer : "Ham?"
Lisa : "No"
Homer : "Pork chops"
LIsa : "Dad those all come from the same animal"
Homer : "Yes Lisa, A special magical animal from fairy land!"

If you have anymore and you want to have them viewed by all, do e-mail them to dkit@oceanfree.net!

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