Evil Overlord Tips
Being an Evil Overlord seems
to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks
and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord. I've
read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed
in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords,
deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to
make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen
to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will
have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will
be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose
throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten
cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good
for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the
source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the
River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit
box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my
enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges
me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies
to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary
and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what
this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful
princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not
a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of
my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct
mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not
be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button
marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly
be labelled as such.
11. I will not order my trusted
lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do
it myself.
12. I will not interrogate
my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders
will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my
superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues
in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they
pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making
my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone
and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that
I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them
any.
16. One of my advisors will
be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able
to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will
be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into
them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of
their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred
until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will
not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will
they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled
to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any
device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely
unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and
the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday
machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make
sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and
seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the
sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as
advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son.
Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily
fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter.
She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged
countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving
effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's
too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented
fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror,
as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers,
Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated
and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I
am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy
field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache
of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even
if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the
standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun
by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic
assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some
of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this
cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would
perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely
indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable
spot.
32. No matter how attractive
certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as
attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice
before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
33. I will never build only
one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least
two fully loaded weapons at all times.
34. If my supreme command center
comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape
pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops
break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
35. My pet monster will be
kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could
not accidentally stumble.
36. Even though I don't really
care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able
to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble
to the ground for no good structural reason.
37. I will dress in bright
and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
38. All bumbling conjurers,
clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will
be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon
their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
39. All naive, busty tavern
wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses
who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for
the hero or his sidekick.
40. Any and all magic and/or
technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has
given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
41. I will not fly into a rage
and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil
I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
42. I will see to it that plucky
young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander
shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and
denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to
rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing
ever comes along.
43. I won't require high-ranking
female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale
is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
44. I will not employ devious
schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before
the trap is sprung.
45. I will not turn into a
snake. It never helps.
46. I will not grow a goatee.
In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look
like a disaffected member of Generation X.
47. I will not imprison members
of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they
are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my
person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the
prison.
48. If my trusted lieutenant
tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him.
After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
49. If an enemy I have just
killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and
have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
50. If I absolutely must ride
into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of
Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
51. I will be neither chivalrous
nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early
and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
52. Once my power is secure,
I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
53. I will offer oracles the
choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
54. When I capture the hero,
I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly
cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to
follow him around.
55. I will maintain a healthy
amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims
she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her
companions if I just let her in on my plans.
56. I will only employ bounty
hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt
tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting
chance.
57. I will not rely entirely
upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively
inconspicuous talismen.
58. I will make sure I have
a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization.
For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it
at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and
kill some random underling.
59. If an advisor says to me
"My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will
reply "This." and kill the advisor.
60. If I learn that a callow
youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still
a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
61. I will treat any beast
which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness.
Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after
me for revenge.
62. If I learn the whereabouts
of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops
out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and
quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
63. My main computers will
have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible
with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
64. I will make the main entrance
to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors
definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
65. If one of my dungeon guards
begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess'
cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
66. I will hire a team of board-certified
architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret
passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
67. If the beautiful princess
that I captures says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!",
I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
68. I will not strike a bargain
with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel
like being contrary.
69. The deformed mutants and
odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However
before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and
subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who
would attract less attention.
70. My legions of terror will
be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized
target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
71. Before employing any captured
artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
72. If it becomes necessary
to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
73. I will never build a sentient
computer smarter than I am.
74. My five-year-old child
advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using.
If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
75. If my advisors ask "Why
are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed
until I have a response that satisfies them.
76. I will never accept a challenge
from the hero.
77. I will design fortress
hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders
could use for cover in a firefight.
78. I will not engage an enemy
single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
79. Bulk trash will be disposed
of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none
of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
intervals.
80. I will see a competent
psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre
compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
81. If I must have computer
systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my
complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That
room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be
marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
82. My security keypad will
actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence
of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to
enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
83. If I capture the hero's
starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a
few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon
as it clears the blast-range.
84. No matter how many shorts
we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance
camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
85. I will spare someone who
saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages
others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want
me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
86. All midwives will be banned
from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be
raised by creatures of the wild.
87. When my guards split up
to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least
two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously
while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call
for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
88. If I decide to test a lieutenant's
loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have
a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer
is no.
89. If all the heroes are standing
together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out
a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon
on them.
90. I will not agree to let
the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors
assure me it is impossible for them to win.
91. When I create a multimedia
presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily
understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord"
and leave it lying on top of my desk.
92. I will instruct my Legions
of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting
while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
93. If the hero runs up to
my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt
to push him over the edge.
94. Finally, to keep my subjects
permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with
free unlimited Internet access. (like the people in the Computer Labs after 6pm)
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