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THE SHITE-LIST!

THE GHOST SHITE
The kind where you feel shite come out, see shite on the toilet paper, but there's no shite in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHITE
The kind where you feel shite come out, see shite in the bowl, but there's no shite on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHITE
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHITE
This shite happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shite some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHITE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead shite". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHITE
No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHITE
The kind of shite that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIUS DRINKER SHITE
The kind of shite you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHITE" SHITE
The kind where you want to shite, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHITE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHITE
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute. Sometimes known as a pebble-dash shite.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHITE
A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This shite is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shite occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL
This shite occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHITE
A shite so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHITE
This shite has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHITE
This is any shite created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER
A shite so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this shite has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE RANGER
A shite which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHITE
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHITE
Now you see it, now you don't. This shite is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL
A shite that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shite (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shiteting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shite which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHITE
This shite occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's shite.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHITE
This shite may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHITE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shite.

PREMEDITATED SHITE
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITE-ZOPHERENIA
Fear of shiteting - can be fatal!

ENERGIZER\DURACELL SHITE
Also known as a "Still Going" shite.

THE POWER DUMP SHITE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHITE
This kind of shite is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shite.)

THE SPINAL TAP SHITE
The kind of shite that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHITE
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap shites. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHITE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHITE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHITE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHITE
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHITE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.


Remember, its funny because its true!

If you have anymore and you want to have them viewed by all, do e-mail them to dkit@oceanfree.net!

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