Planning Humour

Index:

The Complete Planner Humour Collection

Planning Jokes

How to identify a Planner
Guidelines for successful Planners Planners Staff Structure
Planning Explained to the Uninitiated Planners Jargon Explained

Planning Complaint form

The Planning Administrator
Planner Harassment What Planners mean when they say . . .
Planning implications of Earth's creation and Hell The PLAN
What is a Planner - there are two views! The Rules of Planning

How to identify a Planner

Social Skills

Planners have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. 

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

*  Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
*  Making important social contacts
*  A feeling of connectedness with other humans

In contrast to "normal" people, Planners have rational objectives for social interactions:

*  Get it over with as soon as possible.
*  Avoiding getting invited to something unpleasant.
*  Demonstration of mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

Other problems stem from only having a non-technical vocabulary of less than 800 words

Facination with Order

To the Planner, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

(1) Things that need to be sorted or decided upon, and

(2) Things that will need to be sorted after they've had a few minutes to think about them.

Planners like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept ; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Planners believe that if it ain't reviewed, assessed, and planned, it doesn't work yet.  To the Planner, the world is full of dis-order and unsustainable chaos. A planner is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

Fashion and Appearance

Clothes are the lowest priority for an Planner, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the specific objectives of clothing have been met. Anything else requires too much unnecessary effort in decision making, and is unsustainable and a waste.  Many male Planners consider themselves well dressed if their socks match, and wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency", not because they're lazy.

Dating and Social life

Dating is never easy for Planners. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Planners are incapable of placing form above substance. Fortunately, Planners have an ace in the hole.

They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, frequently employed, honest, and mostly handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an Planner, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing planned children who will have high-paying jobs to sort out the chaos caused by their parents.

Despite it being long after losing their virginity, male Planners reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than 'normal' men; becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid to late forties.

Female Planners become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death; longer if it's a warm day.

Honesty

Planners are always honest in matters of the environment and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep Planners away from politicians, developers, the public, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Planners sometimes bend the truth to sustain work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not so because nobody could be expected to believe them.

The complete list of Planners lies is listed below.

"You will be fully consulted before anything happens."

"That decision will be made shortly"

"I see no problem with that"

Frugality

Planners are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation has to be approached as a  decision making exercise based on the specific objective of, "How can I decide this while retaining the greatest amount of the little cash I have?"

Planners will never make as much money as business executives.   Here is a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every Planner knows,

       Work
       ------ = Power
       Time

Since Knowledge = Power,

and Time = Money, we have

       Work
       ------ = Knowledge
       Money

Solving for Money, we get:

         Work
       ---------- = Money
       Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make.   Since Planners are so clever, they will never have the chance of being really rich.  

Powers of Concentration

If there is one trait that best defines an Planner it is the ability to concentrate on only one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the universe. This can sometimes be mistaken for a paralysis of thought and indecisiveness that causes Planners to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes near planning offices have started checking career details before processing the bodies.

Risk

Planners hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an Planner makes one little mistake, the public, politicians, and the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.   Have you ever noticed that when a planning objective is implemented it's usually called a "architectural achievement", but when it doesn't, it's called an "planning disaster?"

The risk/reward calculation for Planners looks something like this:

RISK: public humiliation and the unhappiness of thousands of innocent people
REWARD: a certificate of appreciation in a cheap plastic frame

Being practical people, Planners evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any development is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then the Planner will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it be unsustainable and will cost too much."

Examples of bad Planning

Suggestions?
. . . . .

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to Planners:

Nothing is more threatening to the Planner than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill in decision making.  'Normal' people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the Planner. When an Planner says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not interesting to do", some clever normal people have learned to glance at the Planner with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines? "I'll ask the engineers or architects to sort it out as they know how to solve difficult technical problems."  At that point it is a good idea for a normal person to not stand between the Planner and the problem.  The Planner will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

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and finally, did you know
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete  than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

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Copyright 2000 N. O'Byrne