|How to identify a Planner|
|Guidelines for successful Planners||Planners Staff Structure|
|Planning Explained to the Uninitiated||Planners Jargon Explained|
|The Planning Administrator|
|Planner Harassment||What Planners mean when they say . . .|
|Planning implications of Earth's creation and Hell||The PLAN|
|What is a Planner - there are two views!||The Rules of Planning|
In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a enforcement action for failure to obtain planning permission or submit an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly project, but was stymied with the Warning Notice for the earthly part.
Appearing at the subsequent court hearing for failing to accept the Warning Notice, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be noise? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.
God then sought outline permission to make light, assuring officials that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain all necessary licences, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God suggested a number of conditions for permission and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The Parks Department agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Planning officials pointed out this would require approval from the Wildlife Service coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. The Planners informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a Council meeting, a series of public consultation hearings. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell!
Introduction and Purpose
In accordance with Section 666.d.ii. of the Hades Planning and Development Act 2000BC, the Strategic Planning Committee of Hades (SPC-H) is required to prepare a Master Plan of HELL (MPOH) prior to Armageddon. This entails a comprehensive and inclusive process resulting in a detailed, shared, and meaningful vision for Post Apocalyptic HELL. Such a plan will have absolutely nothing to do with the actual future development of HELL, of course. Such is HELL.
Planning in HELL: Goals and Objectives
We seek to make Post Apocalyptic HELL a desirable destination for the rest of the planet to live, work, shop, and burn, by preserving and building upon Hell's amenities, key strengths: historically designated, well populated, and highly flammable.
Process and Time Frame
The MPOH must be completed within one year, including obtaining all necessary public and environmental reviews and approvals. The Overall Hellish Planning Process (O HELLPP) for the MPOH involves: a 1000-year review period per Circle of Hell, public participation by all past, present and future denizens of HELL, formal certification of insignificant environmental degradation, and approval by the Hades Register of Historic HELL Properties.
The MPOH will be implemented when Hell freezes over.
Format and Approach
Obfuscation is central to the appropriate presentation of the MPOH. Efforts should be made to maximize the utilisation of technical gibberish and jargon, eschew graphical presentations, and mispaginate.
All submissions must be produced utilising WORD666 (245th upgrade, downloadable from our website <www.HELL.gov/usersbdamned>), with formal presentations utilising POWERPOINT_666 based on the MPOH template downloadable from the (<www.HELL.gov/infernaltorture>) website
Infernal Environmental Quality Review
In conformance with the Hades Eternal Degradation of the Environment Act 2000BC (HEDEA), pursuant to the NOPE (Not on Planet Earth) statutory authority vested in Satan, the MPOH is subject to IEQRP, which requires 666 Draft Environmental Impact Statements, culminating in the Draft And Mostly Neutral- Environmental Impact Statement (DAMN-EIS).
The following aspects of HELL must be addressed in the DAMN-EIS:
All Post Apocalyptic development must be consistent with the overall ambiance and defining context of HELL, which is pretty nasty. We like to keep it that way.
Impressive population gains are projected. There’s no place like hell.
Community Planning Philosophy
Fortunately, since all resources are completely degraded, it is anticipated that the Apocalypse will result in no adverse environmental impacts.
Transportation analyses undertaken during the past two millennia for the critical River Styx inter-modal transfer point indicate that large numbers of people have no problem going to HELL. Leaving, of course, is not an option.
There is none. This is HELL.
Too Late Now.
Please submit 97 zillion copies of your proposal to the Planning Board no later than tomorrow at 1am. All copies must be personally delivered by the applicant. We will respond whenever we feel like it. HELL is an equal opportunity employer.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Therese Reilly during my first post graduate year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Job Opening at the end of the universeImmediate Employment
Position Available Immediately:
Apprentice Sith Planner, Dark Side Consulting Group.
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Planner. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Director of Planning's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons.
Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Planning from the University of Coruscant.
Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate.
A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)
Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Planner reports to and works closely with the Sith Director of Planning, and experience in such small, team-based organisations is vital to the success of the Director's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of August. Transmit them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge, management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies.
Dark Side CG(tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.
Noah And Today's Ark
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the plans and specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the plans, "I'm your man."
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his garden, weeping, and there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get planning permission for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their specifications. So, I had to hire a planning consultancy firm to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with them about whether to include the fire officer's requirements."
"My neighbours objected, claiming that I was ignoring the zoning of a residential area by planning to build the ark in my front garden, so I had to get a material contravention from the planning appeals board."
"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the barn owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got injuncted by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."
"Just when the case got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then, the Institute of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."
"The Revenue Commissioners have seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country without my tax affairs being in order, and I just got a notice from the local authority that I owe some kind of water use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord, "your government already has."
But if the world really WERE to end tomorrow, we were thinking of how our esteemed media would handle this momentous event...
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighbourhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female so they may multiply. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created the Irish Department of Health.
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